Hi all, I’m 19 yrs old and currently live with my mom dad grandma and dog in a relatively small apartment. Ever since I’ve been born, my grandma was truly the only one who I could connect to and the only one who I truly felt cared from. I’ve always had a negative relationship with my mom and dad which I won’t delve into here as it’s unrelated to my grandmothers dementia. Ever since 2016 when my grandpa died, my father became a gambling addict and decided to take my mom back after their 3 month long divorce. Since 2018, my grandma has developed signs of dementia gradually. It has exponentially gotten worse since 2020. My father insists on keeping her in the home although she sadly interferes with everyone’s quality of life in the home including his own. He works nights and she always wakes him up multiple times throughout the day. He expects me to baby sit her in the mornings, although I have other responsibilities such as flight school, my gf, my social life, school, a business I’m trying to start up. Every once in a while he completely lashes out at me telling me I don’t do anything although I am the only person home during weekdays to do so. For example, yesterday I was awaken at 9am with him throwing my computer monitor on the floor because “I don’t make time for his mom” and told to move out within 24 hrs if I do not like his “lifestyle”. He later did apologize to me and I did feel as if it was genuine, but I still just do not believe this is fair to me. My grandmother also interrupts my moms sleep at night when he is at work, but he never lashes out on her for being at work 5 days a week and not being able to care for his mom. All of this just makes me feel resentment towards my grandmother which is truly sad to me as she was the only one there for me throughout my childhood and none of this is her fault. I just want to hear some tips of how to deal with all of this until I’m in a financial place to move out. Thank you
Your Dad maybe gambling and drinking because of Grandma. He feels he needs to care for her but has no idea how to. Maybe he has regretted taking Mom back. Maybe when he is in a good mood you can tell him grandmom is going to need more and more help as her Dementia progresses. Its OK to place her. Medicaid will pay for her care. Then he can visit her knowing she is safe.
My thought is to carve out a private space in your parent's home - buy a keyed passage lock for your bedroom and shift all your possessions into it, then spend as little time in the common areas as possible - it's time to transition your position in the home from child to independent adult. Spend your time not in flight school out of the house - looking for part time work? (your father can't possibly object to that, can he?) and limit the use of your "mini apartment" to sleeping and studying.
From there, you may be put in touch with a youth agency or councelling to help assist you plan your next moves.
That may be staying until you finish you studies, or maybe finding some sort of student accomodation. I've seen where young people living in tricky situatuons were supported by phone & txts from youth workers. (Or meeting casually at a cafe). It can be very discreet if needed.
There may be support & services for your Grandmother that your parents don't know about too. But this is your parent's responsibility. I'd stay clear of that for now.
You've heard the flight safety talk about putting your own oxygen on first right?
Work towards a safer environment for yourself first.
Lots of excellent advice here. Wish someone would have told me the truth back when I was your age. Value yourself, especially when others do not.
I think it’s awesome you’re going to flight school! A college education doesn’t mean what it used to anyway. Avoid predatory student loans, keep a useful job, and stay independent of your family- and spread your wings & fly high…
Makes me think of song lyrics
“God help you, if You Are a Phoenix
And you Dare to Rise Up from the Ash
A Thousand Eyes will Smolder with Jealousy
While You Are Just Flying Past”
Are they paying for your flight school and feel like you owe them your services regarding caring for your grandmother?
I would move out of the family home and pay my own way to go to school if your parents are expecting too much from you.
Get a job if you don’t have one now. Look for roommates.
There was a time in my life that I had to have three roommates in order to pay for my expenses at school and my share of the rent.
Trust me, the sacrifice of not living at home rent free, home cooked meals, a washer and dryer over going to a laundromat, etc is well worth it!
I was fortunate to have good friends who needed another roommate and I jumped at the chance to move out of my house when I was young.
I was inexperienced at cooking but I was exceptionally talented at heating up a can of chicken soup! LOL 😆 Just like Joe Cocker sang, (you may be too young to know my musical era) ‘With A Little Help From My Friends.’ We were there for each other and still are.
You may have to work for awhile to save enough money to move out. Get started now!
Best wishes to you. You are too young to be involved with caregiving. I loved my grandmother too but I was not her caregiver. I was her granddaughter.
My neighbor’s son is a private pilot. He loves it. Follow your dreams and live your best life.
Leave but come and visit Grandma, visit Dad, visit Mom but get out and come back on your own terms. Love your family.
Finish school - this is important.
Love yourself.
At nineteen its very hard to say no, not now - but you need to do this!
Being here and expressing your need is the first step.
Blessings to you.
It will be a challenge you can do this.
You don't mention your mom in any of this. How is her behavior towards you?
I am sorry your grandmother whom you were so close to has dementia. Your fathers decision to keep her in this small apartment doesn't make sense. Unless he is using grandma's money to support him and mom. Or he feels like putting his mom in a nursing home would be wrong (it's not).
Basically it sounds like your dad and mom want you to be grandma's care giver. It's wrong because you have to do all the work but can't make decisions on grandmas care and if she should be placed in a nursing home. Plus you are 19 and this should not be put on your shoulders.
You have a lot on your plate with school, flight school and trying to start a business. Honestly it would be better for you to get a job at this point and put the business on the back burner if you can so you can move out of this awful situation. If you don't you could wake up 10 or 20 years from now wondering where you life went too. Good luck.
Change is never easy and human beings often stay in bad situations because it is comfortable and familiar, even if it is painful and destructive.
You are 19. It is time to go on to college (I recommend one out of state) or to get a job and get your own place.
Do so and let your father and grandmother know when you will be moving.
It is fine to help them.
It is not fine to throw your own life on your grandmother's funeral pyre.
Your twenties are when you learn to operate your own life for yourself and that decade is full of lessons you need to learn for a quality life.
I wish you a lot of luck.