A little background- my mother has been living next to me in my condo building since 2018. Diagnosed with dementia in early 2019. She has always been difficult, manipulative and selfish and wasn't a good mother. This has been hell and her dementia has progressed. She can still do ADL's and puts up a charade of independence, but her executive functioning continues to get worse. She can not live "independently" in her condo without me being next door. I could go on and I have a pretty extensive post history here, but basically I have been stuck. I had to put up a huge fight for her to accept having a companion aid for 4 hours a week (which she reduced to every 2 weeks) so in her mind assisted living is out of the question.
Awhile back I went to an elder care attorney to find out if I could force my mother with dementia into assisted living with a DPoA.... the answer is NO. I'm in Florida- a "wait for a crisis" state.
My life changed again with the news that my brother has terminal cancer. He will be lucky to get a couple years and that will be with harsh treatment. That is when the thought started that I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted to move to my adult son's state which is driving distance to my brother's state. 3.5 hour drive.
Now I have gotten more news. For the first time I am going to be a grandmother. I am over the moon with this news, and needless to say it really ramped up my desire to move to his state.
I told my mother the news of the baby, but my siblings do not know as my son wanted to wait until after the first doctor appointment which is tomorrow. Her reaction was ..... meh.
My DH and I have decided we are going to move to my son's state, which is Maryland. I plan to talk to my mother this weekend and let her know she will have to move, because we are moving. She can decide where she wants to be but her only options will be assisted living no matter which adult child she decides to live close to- staying here will not be an option. If she tries to play that card I will take her to court and force the sale which I can do as a co-owner.
My mom will not care that I want/need to be closer to my brother and my son. She will be so angry it will be horrible.
But I'm getting out of something I never should have set up to begin with, and this time around I will be MUCH less prone to her manipulation.
Any tips, because the truth is I dread this talk so much, but it has to happen.
You still need to live your life, be there for your bro and enjoy your grandchild. Your mother sounds controlling and possibly OCD (Type A Personality) in addition to her dementia. Please know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to please her. When she seems her most lucid tell her your plans and if she balks the explain she will have to live the rest of her life alone and if elder care comes into play there will be nothing you can do for her. Explain you have done all you are will to do and wish her a good rest of her life and do what you need to do. Dire situations call for dire actions. Good luck and God Bless!
* You have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you know what you will do and be able to set clear limits with your mother.
* My suggestions are:
a) be clear (depending on her ability to absorb / understand what you are saying, keep it simple;
b) DO NOT argue which she will want to do.
c) Keep her options between 2 - give her photos or info on specific places and let her decide between two. The point is not to leave the 'choice' open ended.
- Know if there is a waiting list before you give / show her the options.
- If she is concerned about money, have this covered - to be able to discuss w her - if she brings it up.
d) If you start to feel beat up / chewed up and spit out when you tell her your plans, tell her you need to go back to your place for something (give yourself a 'timeout' to regroup) - then go back later or in a few minutes.
e) Agree with her that it is not easy to change, that it will be a change ("for the better" although that might open a can of unwanted worms). Empathize with her - let her know you hear her (if she isn't screaming at you), be emotionally supportive with a 'stern hand' - if she wants to fight and scream, let her and DON'T RESPOND.
- Consider her ranting as an emotional release she needs to get out and she is doing that the only way she knows how.
- Plan ahead for this 'reaction' - it sounds like you already have - and have a good foundation emotionally on what is to come and how you will handle it. You know how she is / has been / and will be-respond.
- You can visualize being in a protective bubble when she starts to scream at you - have a tantrum.
* I suppose if it were me, I would find the positives of her moving and leave her a bullet point list, if she might read it / understand it.
Lastly, I applaud you for doing what you want and need to do. Becoming a grandma must be very exciting. I send you healing thoughts regarding your brother's health. Personally, I feel you are doing exactly what is in your best interest, in your brother's best interest, your son and your mother. It sounds like a win-win-win-win. Even though she was go kicking and screaming. God help me, I might too. Change co-mingled with dementia / fear is certainly not easy on anyone, and someone who is used to being able to manipulate to get their way will be more vocal about it.
* I often suggest that if a person feels overwhelmed or stuck in the moment requiring a response to say:
"That is worth consideration, I'll give it some thought"
"I will get back to you on that"
"I don't have a response right now." And change the subject. (and be ready / prepared to what or how you will redirect her thoughts.
"Yes, it will be hard and (xxx) your family will help you adjust"
"Yes, it will be an adjustment." (Not go on and on. Short sentences than stop.)
Let us know how the conversation goes. Good luck.
Gena / Touch Matters
You want to move, so start with that. You are going, no argument. She can’t stop you. If she won’t move herself, she pays you rent while things get sorted out. If necessary, you also rent where you are going until the finances get sorted.
You are in Florida, you say a ‘wait for a crisis’ state. So the crisis is her being left on her own, which is a lot better than the fall and broken bones that many people have to wait for. Sure, there will be a lot of fuss, but the chances are that this will all take a while to arrange. By the time you have actually left, she may be more realistic. If not, when she really is on her own she is likely to change her mind soon. Or (and if the finances work), she may even make different arrangements to stay in Florida. That’s not bad either!
I'm planning on having this talk on Tuesday, or sooner if the time feels right. Wednesday my mom has a planned trip to Texas to visit my sister, so if she's feeling angry and enraged at me, then a break from me will be good, and my sister who is not burned out can hopefully also help my mom understand she needs assisted living at this point- and she has choices as to where she wants that to be.
On my end, I'm going to start the conversation with telling her about my desire to be closer to my brother- who is also her dying son. That is a cold, heartbreaking FACT. The baby news is actually secondary to this as much as I am grateful for that piece of joyful news. I will let her know right off that she is welcome to move with us, but that she will need to go to "senior living" (that's what I'm going to call it) and I will not budge on that, period. I'm going to explain that she will still have her "own" apartment, and she can come and go as she pleases, including going on visits with me to see my brother.
That's how I'm starting it, and leaving it. This is what we are doing, here is your option if you decide to move with me. I plan to completely leave out the part that she has made my life a living hell the entire time she's been here.
It's a true wildcard what she will decide.
Barb - if she indicates in any way that her choice is to stay here alone then I will go back to that same elder care attorney I already spoke to and find out what I need to do. One of the reasons I don't think it will come to that is my mother's pride and ego rules the day. The thought of me going to court with her and pulling out her dementia report in open court and outlining the recommendations that she have supervision, cameras, no driving, etc- Along with the revocation of her driver's license, the stunt she pulled in PA to keep driving, the DUI that came after, how she had to sell her cottage because she could no longer be there alone..... Nope- that would be her worst nightmare.
I will post an update when this goes down. Thanks again for all the help and support.
I think the important thing might be to role play this a bit with DH or a friend and practice not reacting to her range, attempts to guilt you or change your mind.
In your shoes, I would rehearse a mantra "we will be moving by Dec 1; you have some options to examine" or just silence in the face of her anger.
Respond, don't react.
Good luck, Piper!
Since I'm a little late getting to this discussion, this trip has already taken place. Why not just delay delay delay her return? If she can't get back to FL without help from sister, she'll be "captive" for a bit... Perhaps sister can "work" on her, show her places in TX she might like... one can hope...
As noted in reply to another comment, FL isn't the only state that doesn't allow anyone to be forced to move. We had the same situation here. Mom refused the aides, hired to try to keep her in her own place longer. Next step was to move (brothers half-hearted offered their places, not likely it would have ever panned out!) So, it would have to be AL/MC, which was, at this point, in her mind, the WORST possible place! AL had been in her own plans BM (before dementia.) Not now. The EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move and said we'd have to apply for guardianship. The big gate to that was the MC chosen wouldn't accept a "committal", but it's also time consuming, expensive and since she wasn't really that far down the dementia path, they might not have granted it!
Too many think POAs give us absolute power, but they don't. They are legal documents that allow us to sign documents, participate in medical care, manage finances, etc. Nothing more. We can't dictate where they will live or how they will live.
Sometimes what we did can work (fibs.) She had injured her leg (cellulitis), so that was used by YB to draft a fake letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital. In it, she was given the choice to move to a place we chose or they would place her. She was SO mad, but she went with my brothers. There was no time to move her furniture, so I bought new stuff for her room (brought a few items later, like her rocking chair.)
If there's some scenario that would work for you, if "reasoning" with her doesn't work, fibs R us might be useful. You know your mother best, so is there something that might work, esp since she's in TX at the moment? Hurricane damage? Tornado damage? Flooding damage? These happen all the time in FL. Sinkhole? Snake infestation? If you can prevent or delay her return, and maybe get her set up in a nice facility until the "issue" is resolved, then keep delaying her return... maybe???
Happy grandma-ing! There's only one for me, and that will likely be it. I do wish we could get together more often, damn this virus!!!
(I'm sure you will, but just in case - ignore those who are accusing you of "dumping" your mother. We who have been on here long enough know better and you do too. You've done so much for her and put up with her shenanigans (what a crafty old biddy!) for a long time. You can still care about her and oversee her care if no one else does without being the 24/7 whipping post. She had her time, it's YOUR time now, time to be there for your brother, your son, your DIL, and the soon-to-be grandbaby!!
Worst case, get the attorney working on getting her committed. That *could* be how to make it her choice - choose a place, mom, or the STATE will do it for you. That's pretty much what YB's fake letter implied for mom. You did say she wouldn't want the optics of all that laid bare in the courts....
Fingers crossed for you!!!