“To pee or not to pee...” What would you do?

Personally, I think you’re even being generous in allowing what you’re currently doing.

I wouldn't be able to deal with a
potty chair in the middle of the family room. My OCD tendencies would have me freaking out between the germs and smells, near misses and dribbles. Plus - just the sight of it! I would need one of those standing, decorative screens if it really must be there.

I know its a bit of extra work on your part - but can you remove the potty chair altogether when you are home and only bring it back out when you’re not going to be there?

Leaving a fully loaded potty chair in the family room just gives me the heebeejeebees! What if someone accidentally knocked it over?

eeewwwwwww!!! Yuck.

Tell Mom the potty chair is going to a corner of her room and then do it. Buy a few bags of adult incontinence briefs and place them within her reach in the family room and her room. She can either boogie down the hallway to the WC or pee in the briefs. But either way, the potty chair is leaving the family room and taking up residence in her room. Before you leave on your short trips, assist her with a trip to the bathroom and don’t give her a pot of coffee that morning.

You are not being mean.

You are doing what is best not only for your mother's mobility but also for her dignity. I mean, come on. I know she's knackered. But seriously does she want to be the little old lady who pees in her living room? - before she absolutely has no choice, anyway.

I wonder if it might be a good idea to introduce planned, accompanied bathroom breaks, as many as you think practical, partly to avoid her having to be in a hurry and also to re-establish better habits.

You are not mean, you are taking charge.

I would not introduce the Depends unless absolutely needed.

And - here’s a little story why. I don’t think I’ve ever told this one...

My mom had her hip replaced. During her two week stay in rehab mom was introduced to adult diapers. Once home, mom switched to Depends. Seems she really liked not having to get up at night to go to the bathroom.

So, long past when moms mobility might have mandated Depends - she choose to wear them as she zipped around town doing her typical bazillion things in one day. Oh yes - so great to not have to figure out potty stops while out and about. No matter what I said or did - I could not get her out of the Depends and her using the bathroom as she was physically able to.

Soooo - one day mom is at her acupuncturist appointment. And, mom is laying on the table in her Depends and a sheet drape - and a back full of pins - her acupuncturist had left the room to let the needles do whatever it is they do... and mom realizes she has to pee.

Instead of sitting up and walking to the bathroom that is adjoined to the room - instead of calling out to the acupuncturist for assistance - mom says to herself “Ill just pee. No need to get up. I have the Depends on. I’ll just pee while I lay here”. And she did.

Now, as anyone familiar with Depends will tell you - when utilized in a horizontal position their effectiveness is pretty unreliable and especially when hit with a full on letting go of the bladder. Yeah. You got it. Pee went EVERYWHERE!
The floor. The table. The sheet. Soaked.

The poor acupuncturist comes into the room a couple of minutes later - sees this and asks what happened. My mom says “Well, what did you expect me to do - with my back full of pins?” Evidently, the gal was none to happy about it and said so.

How I found out about all this? I’m talking to my mom a few days later and she says - in a very put-upon voice - “Well, now I have to find a new acupuncturist” and tells me the story as if “we’ll, of course I peed...” as if it was the most reasonable and logical of options.

No. Unless it’s a case of an accident really happening - not an On Purpose cause I just don’t want to use my walker and walk down the hall... I would hold off on the Depends if possible.

Potty chair is better than cleaning up an accident. If the issue is wanting her to be more mobile, make her go to the kitchen for meals or sit on the porch (weather permitting) a little while each day. Home health can also do in house physical & occupational therapy to help with strength & mobility. You do have to keep them moving or they loose strength & ability.

You are lucky your mom actually wants to use it, my father swore hell and high water and demanded the LONG walk to "His" bathroom to where he would slowly and painfully walk, step by step only to get there and refuse to sit...or refuse to walk back to his bedroom from which he came.
Sounds like she likes the potty chair...if it's the one thing that makes your life easier than shuffling her to the bathroom every time...I would keep it.

"Tis better to Pottty, Not trying to be Snotty, Than to have Mom PEE in THEE Bed."
Let her Be, She has Earned this Right, So No Fight. Listen to the Master Level on this Reputable Analytical Site. Please. Help her Get around with her Walker, Even if it is for a few Minutes to Stretch her legs.

From the other side of the fence... having arthritis and a neurological problem that sometimes makes walking 25 ft kin to scaling Mt Everest , why are you so positive it’s her crying wolf? Does she easily walk everywhere else? Does she have control problems and fear she won’t make it 25 ft?

Is there a possibile compromise? Does she have her own room? If so, she can be in her room with her chair and tv and the potty chair.
Move the potty chair OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM. It is not an appropriate piece of furniture for a family room. Unless she is terminal, your living room does not have to revolve around your mother and urine.

I placed a commode next to my mother's bed. Every two hours we walk to the commode. This bathroom routine is necessary because she has chronic UTI's. She has better bladder control during the day. I think the commode is perfectly fine. Place the chair in another room until she needs it. I do not think it is an issue of laziness but rather she might feel safer. You can do range of motion exercises. Have a routine and every day take her for a walk if it is safe to do so. Let her have some control. My mother spends the day in the living room on days when we are home and if I find her legs are weak I take the commode and place it next to her chair. I do not care that it is in the living room. I care for her safety. We all have to make changes in our lives and do what is best for our loved one. Do not sweat the small stuff believe me big stuff comes along and you need the energy for that. Hope things work out for you and your mom.

I would take the potty chair to the shed because it makes you feel upset.

When it is in use, clean it quickly.

The short walk walk to the bathroom will give her strength.

Take me her to the shopping mall and have her build endurance, a little at a time.

Bring the potty chair back only when medically necessary.

Due to limited mobility, I can't make it upstairs in time to use the bathroom. So I have a potty chair, in the middle of the living room. But a friend gave me some really nice divider screens - wooden, with slats. No one knows it's even back there. Maybe you could try something like that. Also, I have an aide a couple times a week that helps with the emptying - what I do is use it only for pee and instead of throwing toilet paper in the commode, I put it in a trash can with a liner. That way it isn't too much to flush.

I feel your pain
As a 24/7 caregiver myself ,my wife of 58 years was diagnosed in 1997 with PK and she took to her bed 10 years ago , to the denial of her neurologist and numerous PTs and OTs , unlike your mom she decided not to even get out of her bed and sit up .
Against all good advice from professionals I let her play me from day one . At first she stayed in our bed in the master bedroom with an adjoining bath 10 steps from the bed, she decided she needed a potty . I ordered one with a prescription from her PPO ,placed it next to the door to the bathroom. Needless to say she didn't need use the toilet

At the onset of her PK we made a move to a home that better served her demise, as all her needs were on 1 level , I added a walkin shower a higher toilet with the addition of handrails and bidet with a warm water addition.

I replaced all door openings to assist walker or wheelchair with lever hardware for ease of use.

My wife over the past 10 years has had numerous trips to the emergency room and always follow ups with in home nursing care with a nurse and PT and OT usually 4 to 6 weeks , and she has always discharged them after the first couple weeks .
Her last 2 adventures they tried to get her to join in at the PK clinic and same results.
In the interim I added a Hospital bed about 5 years ago and moved it to the living room thinking I'd get her out of a dark depressing bedroom into a room with an abundance of sunshine and to be able to see life out of a large picture window . Now the potty is at the foot of the bed. Walker at the side . Potty maybe 4 steps .
On every visit to her PK Docter when we discuss home life and her hardships they just ask why she wont get out of bed . The PT suggested several years ago that I move the potty away from the bed to an agasent room , and to move the bed back to the bedroom .
My point in all this has been to stress the point that if you make it to easy you take away their will to do for themselves, my wife hasn't sat at the table to eat a meal or sat in a chair to just watch tv in over 10 years . She has no need to as has an enabler to see to her every need .
God bless you and good luck with your mom.

Tel her that it is rented and needs to be returned.
They will pick it up on June 30.
On the 28th remove it, take it apart and clean it.
What you do with it after that is up to you. I would place it someplace where you can get hold if it so you can get it when it becomes necessary.

I would move it back into her bedroom. Then put her PT in her hands. She can decide what portion of the day that she has the energy to spend time elsewhere in the house which will necessitate the use of the bathroom instead. When she feels she has done enough, she can elect to go to her bedroom.

PharSytid, I love your sense of humor, you gave me a much needed lift this morning, ((HUGS))).

Let her wear depends (adult diapers) during the day... put the potty chair in her bedroom next to her bed... lazy is what it is manipulation... my mom who is 83 used to pee in the waste basket until I found out after moving in with her... I could never figure why her room smelled of strong urine... now you all know what it takes to straddle a 12 in waste basket in the dark in the middle if the night... coordination which she has a lot of... only 9 steps to her bathroom toilet.. anyway I bought her a nice padded potty chair she uses now and wears depends during the day... remove it from your family room... good luck.

I don't think you're being mean and you are doing what's best for your mom's mobility. If you don't use it, you lose it! Who wants to be bedridden if they don't have to be? That's not living. My mom started to get the same way when she went into rehab- getting me to do each and every thing for her that she could do. I kept encouraging her telling her I want her to do it and she will never get to go home if she doesn't do for herself. She is now doing as much as she can on her own and there's light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it takes tough love, but we gotta give it! :)

We have potty in her bedroom. (Bought the fabric to make a slip cover/dignity cover, but never got around to making it.) Mom normally only uses it if she is in her room, otherwise uses the bathroom. Normally she doesn't have to pee during the night. I still want to be there when she gets up, so she uses a doorbell that I use as call bell, or talks to me on baby monitor. She just said she needed to get up, so I assisted her, and emptied pot immediately. Gave her diuretic, and she laid back down. She has adjustable bed, and can watch TV while diuretic kicks in. Just seems easier to have her close to pot after morning pill. If we have early appointment, or outing, I hold the diuretic until we get home.

After she gets up for the day, she will use the bathroom. I still have to prompt her to get up and pee. She never has the urge, unless she stands up, so if she was sitting watching TV, she might wait too long. Want to avoid UTI, so I remind her to go. She uses walker to go to bathroom, and doesn't need assist if she only pees. If she has BM, she rings for assistance.

At this time, she uses incontinence pads/liners. In the past she used adult diapers for a brief time. There was also a time when she wasn't so mobile. Had to be taken care of in bed. She had left knee replacement in December of 2017. After her recovery from that surgery, things have gone fairly smoothly. Only problem is, she was due for a revision on right knee replacement. Unfortunately her orthopedic surgeon died suddenly, unexpectedly.

Took he to new orthopedic doctor. He is hopeful, that the right knee will last for the duration. As long as she is not too active. Said he would be hesitant to do the revision surgery, as he is afraid she wouldn't survive the surgery. Last time, the cardiologist just wanted the surgery to be scheduled while he would be at the hospital, and all went well.

I don't think I could handle her care 24/7 if she lost her mobility. Thanks goodness for the bedside commode. Thinking of making the cover for the pot, so when I need one in my room, it will be discreet. Pimp my Pot. (also pool noodle sections under where her legs are, make if more comfy. and odor reducing spray, even though it is emptied after each use. )

you are a very funny writer...i enjoyed reading.
No, you are not being mean.
Remember the commercial
"Bodies at rest stay at rest. Bodies at movement tend to stay in movement"

You can bet your bottem dollar that ANY RESIDENT OR ELDERLY MOM OR WHO EVER WILL PEE IN THE POTY CHAIR BEFORE THE TOILET Anything for less steps to walk anything to make their life easier to not have to do ANYTHING !!it does not matter if the bathroom is ONLY A COUPLE MORE STEPS !!Anything at not to have to do anything !! And the men use the stupid urnials and leave it anywhere!!!

Mom needs to get up and move to be able to keep her mobility. Without being able to walk it will be hard for her to be cared for at home. And of course immobility causes all kinds of issues. I would move Potty Chair out of the living room. Maybe have it beside the bed for night time need to make it easier and only use it at night. If she says she can't make it to the bathroom before she starts to pee, have her wear a pad or depends to catch any dribbles.

Take the poty chair in the bedroom say per. Dr. Orders you have to use the regular toilet if shes on PT HAVE THEM BACK YOU UP ....
I love my mom so much but I wish I never bought that DAMN POTY CHAIR grrrrrrrrr!!! She only uses it at night but I beleive she should just be able to use our regular toilet at night And I agree about the pads and depends had to do this also !!Here is another 1 how bout when they poop in it YUCKY!! I HATE THE POTY CHAIR !! THEN SHE SAYS not to add any dutys to your chores but......"my poty chair needs to be dumped"! But I guess I am VERY GREATFUL THAT SHE MAKES AN EFFORT TO BE ABLE TO USE THE TOILET AND NEVER HAS ANY ACCIDENTS!!

First issue is the level of mobility that will not improve if if there is not a gradual increase to walk a little further each day. The same concept that gets started in a rehab, but very rarely back to original ability when they toss you out.
--How does she get from her bed to the living room? If she uses a walker, then she already has that span of walking conquered. Considering she has only been making that trek in the am and again in the pm under current level of activity, it's time to 'rehab' at home. More walking to get leg strength back.
--Does she use a walker to get to real bathroom if she needs to poop? If yes, this lady has trained you well!!! If no, tell her there's a new sheriff in town and there will no longer be a litter box in the living room.
--What is closer for her and easiest route using a walker? Is it the bathroom where the real toilet can be used or the bedroom where the portapot can be relocated? Figure that part out and make the goal to be getting portapot out of the living room and her using walker to get to chosen toilet area.
--Move the potty further from her every couple of days until you reach the preferred potty location. If she is hard headed with you, take her to the doctor and request some in-home physical therapy. PT will get her walking a few times a week and her legs will get stronger (whether she wants them to or not!)
--At night when she needs to get up, I would leave the portacan by her bed. Safer for her. If you need to leave for a while, put the pot back by her chair, but make sure you put it back as soon as you get home so she doesn't take advantage of your failure to act quickly.

Now for the inability to hold pee for long. There's too many products on the market to help with that. Do not let someone talk you in to going straight to the pull up diaper type products. Once you let someone start peeing/pooping in a diaper, the brain will eventually convince itself that it is ok and it is an extremely hard road to turn around on. (Very common to happen in facilities because staff don't have to hurry and help someone. Facilities often encourage it to make their jobs easier in that respect)

Get the incontinence pads. (Best price, and I've searched, is Sam's Members Mark Overnight Pads for Women. If those are too thick for her, start with a smaller style). With the pad on, she has no excuse not to walk a little further because she has something to catch it.

When you get this going, have some statistics ready for the arguments. She uses the portapot every 2 hours. Having trouble holding it means she really should have gotten up to pee at about the 1.5 hour mark. When you begin Boot Camp Toilet Training, set an alert on a phone (if she can hear it) or some other device for every 1.5 hrs and tell her it's time to get up and pee.

My mom is 95 and a rehab stint had me up all night long for potty breaks and holding her up for the bathroom trips after they failed to take her to the bathroom in their care. I never moved the pot to the living room. She did get stronger each day and can again manage these things without personal assistance - just her and her walker. I still leave the porta pot by the bed because I don't think it's safe to make the trek to the bathroom when sleepy.

Best of luck to you both!

You’re not mean-get her walking any way you can. Move the darned pee chair out of your family room!!! Sheesh.

Oh I am in such awe of your patience. So glad you are able to vent on this site. I just came about you guys by accident, and I can't tell you how much comfort
I've received. This has to be the best caregiver forum Evvvvver.

The "potty chair," aka typically called a bedside commode is just that. It isn't supposed to be used as a crutch. Good for you! Don't empty it again.

Well, the next step for her declining if you didn't play "bad guy" would be diapers 24/7.

Try to keep her mobile as long as possible..

Keep her mind going too. Is there adult day care or outside senior activities you can enroll her into? Perhaps library has something she can sign up for...? Keep her moving in all directions as long as possible. weekly senior bingo nights? Anything...