I'm sure this would cause a resounding "NO!" by care facilities, but I really think that a family member should be allowed to stay with residents to help ease them into a new living environment.
“Hey mom/dad. You’ll be living here now. Bye.” Seems like dumping even though the relatives are forced into it.
Why can't a family member help the residents put things away? Eat a few (paid for by themselves) meals? Spend the day(s) or even stay over night for several nights!
Of course, if a resident is not able to recognize their relative or do not relate to what's happening this is a whole different thing.
But if the resident is aware, having the family member just wave goodbye seems unnecessarily cruel.
Do caregivers agree or am I living in a fantasy world?
I think it is entirely appropriate to help a senior pack and/or set up their new digs if they want or need that help. After that, let the staff do their job and get to know the new resident. If you hover too much, the staff may move on to the next person since you are there and others may not have that advantage. Frequent visits and/or calls may help the initial adjustment. Thankfully, we are not having to visit through windows any more.
Whenever my mother is in the hospital, I typically stay with her the whole time. This has been effective in three ways: monitoring care, calming her anxiety, and having access to the attending physician.
That is a different scenario. It does help the hospital nursing staff and more than once I have prevented an inappropriate medication or procedure from being done. I also feel the hospital can be a very scary, disorienting place for my mother. It helps if I am there when she wakes up.
If I was transitioning her to a nursing home to live, I would not try to stay with her. But, I would make sure she knows that I am always checking on her and would visit as much as possible.
Good luck with your decision.
I'd appreciate a little help unpacking...anybody would do. But some of my family would drive me nuts telling me where I should put things, what I didn't (or did) need to have, They don't make me feel more comfortable by being around.
On the other hand, if I am somewhat disoriented and have trouble finding my way around a new place, It would be nice to have help from someone I know. I'd rather they didn't stay overnight, though. I get along with them amicably enough, but don't want to have to play the "hostess" in an unfamiliar place.
Not everybody has family they get along with, let alone depend upon. Unless a person is quite confused, disabled, frightened and used to being dependent (which I am not) I think care facilities are wise in their policies. The new resident must get used to and come to trust new "caretakers" now.
When my parents went into Assisted Living, it was after my DH & I had broken our backs setting up their apartment exactly the way it had been in IL. Every dish was put away in the cupboard, the sheets were put on the bed with the blankets, pillowcases and bedspread, just the way my OCD mother wanted it, the paintings were hung on the wall just so, food was purchased & put into the refrigerator & the pantry, the coffee maker was plugged in and ready to go, all their clothing was hung up in the closets, and/or folded in the the drawers of the dressers, the magazines were even laid out on the coffee table.
After we had dinner with them in the dining room and walked them to their apartment, THEN we said goodnight to my parents and went home to crash in our own bed from sheer exhaustion.
I don't know what kind of 'fantasy world' you live in, but that's how normal people see their parents off in Assisted Living. With a lot of blood, sweat and tears. The only 'dumping' that goes on is the trash from the old place going into the dumpster so it doesn't go with them to the new place, by the children who have done every single thing FOR the elders so they didn't have to lift a finger in the move. Segued from one comfy apartment right into another as if by magic.
Sometimes we have to let go of our own sadness and discomfort with change to help someone else. It’s very difficult to send a child to kindergarten, but it would defeat the purpose if we insisted on accompanying them each day. They’d be less inclined to begin to reach out to other kids and the teacher if someone familiar is right next to them. Again though, it’s important be connected and stay on top of how things are going with the child and their experiences.
”…..having the family member just wave goodbye….” isn’t so cruel if you’re satisfied that you’ve done your homework and located a place of comfort and peace and safety for your LO.
It actually sounds like “geriatric helicoptering”. The best adjustments aren’t necessarily easy separations. Most separations are tough for all involved. Ultimately though, the resident needs to adjust to the fact that they need to rely on new caregivers, adjust to new places and sights and routines, and work their way into the fabric of a different life.
With all of the placements I’ve ever participated in, the easiest and most comfortable FOR THE RESIDENT were when the family (or in some cases just me) backed away, said “I’ll see you soon”, AND LEFT.
To wish to stay on doesn’t really ease the process. It makes it less comfortable and sadder.
While there's no question it's traumatic to be moved from one's home, especially if they don't want to go, I think it's more effective to let the NH caregivers get the person acclimated without the emotion-triggering family around. Staying away for a week is plenty -- a month is absurd -- but helping the new resident acclimate to the routines is vital without having family members coming in to hover and throw it all off.
I've never heard of any nursing home that wouldn't let the family help the person get moved in and unpack. Make sure all their belongings are labeled with their name, and sew in printed name tags rather than use laundry markers that fade. Bring some family pictures to hang on the walls. Bring a nice bedspread they'd like. Help to make things feel familiar. Tell them you're nearby, hug them, and tell them you'll be back soon.
Then leave.
Check in with the NH daily to hear about their progress, but let the caregivers do their jobs without interference. That's why you placed your loved one, right?
I left my mom with the same admonition that her dad left her with when he took her to college in 1947: "Stick to the books and just forget about the boys."
It made her smile, and I think she was as content as could be expected. She did exactly as she did in college, too, and focused on the boys more than the books and invented an imaginary husband who stayed with her to her dying day, just as the boy she met in college did to his own dying day. 🥹
I think it would be much much better if family could stay several weeks or a month so the person gets used to the new surroundings. - Very reason I just couldn't move my mom to facility care. She was always alert - just had mobility issues and fall risk because of it. I know that she would not have thrived in a brand new environment. It wasn't easy, and everyone makes their own decision about what they can/can't do for a parent, but I do not regret one second that I gave to keep her in her own home. I was very lucky that she did not suffer any ailments that caused her to be bedridden or more work for me than I could handle. - Some folks have no choice because the physical work to care for the parent is beyond what they can do.
I think a lot really depends on the person.
I can't imagine dropping a kindergartener off at school and expecting to stay all day and walk them to the cafeteria and to the bathroom and sit with them in class. Or take my college kid to the dorms and stay overnight for weeks on end to make sure they are comfortable and content with their new surroundings before I come back home. And yes, I realize this is a different situation. But at the same time, I wonder if by staying there more than a normal amount of time, you would actually be preventing them from adjusting to their new home.
I'm 1000% not advocating for dropping them at the door with their stuff. I'm just saying, is there really a great deal of benefit to staying with someone for several weeks and would THAT actually cause them to stay in their room with you rather than engaging in their new community, or stick with YOU when leaving the room rather than meeting new people? Would you being there actually keep them from adjusting sooner?
I'm not saying any of this to sound heartless whatsoever. I'm genuinely curious as to whether there is any true benefit to the person who is moving to help them adjust better or if it just makes it even harder when their loved one leaves. Because now they have had you in this new setting with them for all of this time, doing all of these things with them, and they still have to watch you leave, and then go do those activities without you anyway (or not).
I don't know that there is actually a right answer. I think you have to figure out what works best for each person. And to your point, this is why a lot of people don't ever got this route in the first place.
But when the new resident is simply moving to a manageable new home with improved safety features and 24 hour on call staffing, it makes no sense at all suddenly to deprive them of their existing social network. They live here, they can have visitors, they can go out, they can please themselves - this is home, just that, and there's no need for radical measures.
In the cases where a new resident is moved into a care facility for the reasons you state, they do not need family to stay with them. If they're in possession of their faculties but an AL is more manageable than living alone, they understand why they moved because family couldn't be by their side 24-hours-a-day. These kinds of people are the ones who truly mean it when they say they don't want to be a burden to their families.
It's the ones who are placed because they don't possess all their faculties anymore whose families are advised to not visit for a while. Otherwise they won't acclimate.
The same with homecare. When I'd take on a new client I'd always tell their spouse of whoever was staying with them during the day, to stay for my first shift.
Then go. When I'm in the house with the client the family whose normally there with them needs to go. If they don't, the client will never get used to being alone with a caregiver and nothing will get done.
As for staying there, no; or not unless there is a separate guest suite in the facility and you live too far away to make it practical to go home. You haven't been living in your parent's home before, and you don't want to set a precedent now either.
Most facilities suggest that you not even visit for several weeks so that adjustment can be complete, or bettered, but I don't know what studies they get this idea from.
I think you are living in a fantasy world that this CAN be and WILL be done, just from logistics and will. But whether it might not be a good idea? I think you are correct that it would help some. And FOR CERTAIN a movein help, and settling in is almost necessary. When my Mom moved into care what was the last days of her life (not that we knew that) my brother and I were able to make her room so "like home" for her, with her last treasured things. I believe it helped, though it was such a chaotic time I am uncertain.
Most hospitals will accommodate a family member staying under certain conditons. Like if the patient is a child. Or if a person is in hospice. I remember in my city the hospital had a special policy about visiting. If a patient was on the floor the family had access to 'visit' 24/7. The rest of the hospital no. Visiting hours end at 8pm.
The entire point of moving someone to a facility is to transition them to the primary care of someone who is paid to take care of them 24/7. If you are staying there 24/7 why are they there? I understand the intent behind what you are suggesting, but the problem behind it is that there is literally no cutoff point and the longer you stay, the worse the situation gets.
If you go in and get them settled - with a known end point. Ok mom/dad - we are going to get everything where you want it. We are going to get you comfortable. We will eat dinner with you and then we have to get back on the road. Set the boundary when you get there. Not that they are a child - but sometimes you have to be clear even with adults what the lines in the sand are and stick to them. That's not a dump and run. That is no different than as others have suggested, dropping a college student off at college.
Then you need to give them the space they need to learn their new environment and get settled themselves without you.
If you stay too long - it's not good for them. It gives them false hope that you are open to taking them home. That its only temporary.
If family is staying the night or all day long the elder will not accept that they will be permanently living in the care facility. What would end up happening is a constant stream of complaints and demands to go home. This is because there is a history.
I was a caregiver for a long time. I have known elders who acclimated very well to being placed. They made friends and joined in activities too. The second a family member shows up they start crying about what a hellhole the facility is. That's followed by begging and demanding to be taken home. It can go on for several months or even years when family visits.
This is why family cannot stay with the elder when they get placed.
Many families who do stay away in the first weeks after placement, hire an aide that their LO doesn't know to check in on them and spend some time with them. I've been hired by families for this purpose many times. Then that aide reports back to the family. I reported back daily during the first weeks. Some people had a tougher time than others acclimating, but they did.
I remember one lady whose family placed her. The facility suggested the family stay away for at least a month so she could acclimate. I was hired by them to make two visits daily to her at the facility. The resident was told that I was hired to help her. I came late mornings and evenings for a five weeks. It took her about a week to get used to her room and the building. She made some friends early on and pretty much forgot about me by week three.
The second one of her family came to visit, she would get hysterical and beg and demand to be taken home. This resident lived in her AL facility for almost four years and died there. She behaved the same every time a relative visited her. If her family was showing up every day from day one, she would never have accepted being there.
This is why they tell families to stay away for a while.
Please. Hire non-agency caregivers and you can do checks on them yourselves. You get caregivers like me when it's private-pay. Caregivers who come with sterling references, clean drug tests, good credit checks, and squeaky clean police records.
It can be expensive but always less than a nursing home.
If we were to go there all it would be is a circle, she wants to leave, she hates the food, the people there are crazy, round n round we would go, she's upset, we're upset.
We did not dump her on the side of the road, she is safe, fed, bathed and watched over.
We have TT her on the phone and checked on her progress a couple of times a week.
Think of it as your LO is in summer camp, most camps do not want the family hovering over the child daily either, they want them to acclimate to their summer home.
Your mom is so lucky to have you, and it sounds like you’re so lucky to have your mom.
Some allow a spouse to move in with the actual "resident"
I can see it from both sides.
You should let your loved one get used to new people, new schedule, new routine.
If you have always done something one way and the staff has to do it another due to regulations you can not do things "your way"
When I placed my Husband in Memory Care for Respite I was advised to stay with him until he "settled down" Well with me there he did not settle down, he wanted to go home, he would not get into bed, if I got him into bed he wanted to get up. After about 2 hours of this I left and told the staff to let him settle in on his own. He did. he was fine for the rest of the time I was on vacation.
As I mentioned to someone else just recently often the transition is more difficult for the person that is placing their loved one in Memory Care and not the person with dementia that is now going to reside in Memory Care.
Everyone said wait a couple weeks so he can settle in. Nope, he will settle in just fine with me being present. If not, I can help him settle in.
I think it is totally dependant on cognition and attitude. If he was being mean and nasty, bye. Struggling to come to terms with a new reality, what can I do to redirect and comfort?
I absolutely agree with you.