My mom has been getting very agitated that she's unable to leave through the memory care doors whenever she wants. She's upset with me that I won't give her the code and even with distractions as I leave, once in awhile she makes a beeline with her walker to catch the door before it closes. So very sad. I've tried to assure her that in an emergency they would get everyone out, because that seems to be a fear for her. I try to get her to stay in her room when I leave and give her hugs and kisses when I say goodbye. Any suggestions?
Does she try to leave with others or is it just with you?
Pre-arranging for the nurse/aid to come in with something or on some pretense that requires you to "give her some privacy" then you can slip out.
If you haven't already then talk to her doctor about meds that may take the edge off of her anxiety. This is merciful to her since she is less and less able to bring about her own peace through reason and logic.
You can still call the front desk to check on her the other days if you want.
1. I time my visit so that at the end of the visit, she going to dinner (4:30 pm). She keeps on asking me if I want to join her and I say "no".
2. Whenever I leave, I always hand her over personally to a caregiver and let my Mom know that I'm leaving. This helps them know that she is now in their care and it also allows a wee bit of time for her to get personalized 1:1 attention with a caregiver. Sometimes she doesn't want to be handed over, however, these times are usually when I am so done with her that it is all that I can do to hand her over in a civil manner (and they can see it in my face and posture).
Sometimes I take her to the Activity Room, sometimes just in the hallway by the nurses office. I almost never leave when she is sleeping or awake in her room. It is a "live handoff".
When I take my Mom out on a visit, when we return, I always hand over her to a caregiver/nurse. Again, the reason why I do this is to notify them that she is now under their care.
When I say that I "hand over her care", I actually wait for a caregiver/nurse to be available so that they come to her and she recognizes that someone is watching out for her. This is what I call a "live handoff". I don't want my Mom to feel like she has been abandoned. With her lack of short term memory, it doesn't take much to make her feel like she is being abandoned.
Then I escape....
So far, that is what is working for me. I see my Mom for about 1-1.5 hours every day of the week and that is just about the max that I can do per visit.
Here's the bottom line, the way I see it: Dementia is a lose lose situation. We ALL lose: the elder, the children, the whole family is crushed by the viciousness of the disease at play. We all cry. Nobody wins. We stand idly by and watch our mothers lost to a disease that robs them of who they are entirely, leaving an angry and miserable shell of a person in their wake. That about sums it up, don't you think? I went thru it for years with my mother, and wound up dreading each visit to the Memory Care to the point I'd get a stomachache beforehand and wind up crying afterward. But there's nobody and nothing to 'blame' but the dementia and old age itself. I often wished mom would have died before the dementia set in, so she and I didn't have to go thru the horrible years of it destroying her bit by bit. And destroying ME in the process too. Like I said, nobody wins with dementia.
So we do the best we can. We kiss them and hug them and tell them they have to stay put where they are b/c it's 'doctor's orders' and we'll see them again real soon. And we leave there with a heavy heart that doesn't let up for quite a while. And then we get up and do it again. And the nasty cycle repeats itself until we feel worn out to the point of a breakdown. Which is why I say to cut down your visits until mom relaxes a bit with the whole situation. Otherwise, you too will dread these visits and the whole scenario turns into a nightmare.
One last tidbit of advice: my mother had good results with .25 mgs of Ativan as her Sundowning and generalized agitation/anxiety increased as the dementia worsened. Ativan was like a life raft thrown to a drowning victim; for both of us, she AND I. It made our visits a bit more bearable with her a bit less upset and able to smile and interact a little more. I strongly suggest you ask her doctor about it. There's no need for your mom to be THIS upset about 'getting out' or 'escaping' the doors to the facility. She deserves calmness and peace in her life, just as you do.
Wishing you the best of luck with a stressful situation.