My brother and I are health care POAs for mom, we have 2 aides with her. One works 5 days, the other 2 days. The 5-day aide is rude, screams and curses at me, hangs up on me. When I'm there she screams and curses to my face and goes into her room.
My mother is 97 with advanced dementia and cannot express very well but is virtually unresponsive when that aide is there, but is happy and communicates when any other aide is there. She takes marginally good care of mom but is so rude to me that I don't go to visit. Right now when I can't go at all (COVID) I can't get news about mom.
My brother loves the aide and is fighting my efforts to replace her. I don't know where to turn.
How did it come about that you and brother developed such radically opposed opinions about the same person? What are the bones of contention?
People are rarely rude and curse-y all by themselves (unless they are actually psychotic). For example, it doesn't usually go:
[ring, ring, ring, -
Aide: Smith residence, can I help you?
You: Hi Katie, how are you? Just calling to see how mom is this morning.
Aide: You go and [beep] yourself you [beep beep beeeeeeeeep] etc.
So. Do you know where all this began, or are you genuinely in the dark?
How mom feels about the aide - she cannot verbalize. She cannot really have a conversation. But when this aide is there, mom is always saying that she wants to go home. (That is her home) When I'm there and I say "Do you want to go to the living room?" or someplace, she says "I don't think I'm allowed to."
As for being rude and cursing at me, it's because I object when she gives me a PeaPod list with meat and fish, but the freezer is chock full of meat and fish. And if I don't order exactly what's on her list, she says she won't make a list anymore.
The most recent cursing on the phone: She doesn't pick up the phone when I call, she doesn't answer my texts until about 24 hours later.
Friday night I called her cell phone while watching her leave my mother's bedroom, so I knew I wasn't interrupting her doing something or in the shower. No answer. I called the house phone, no answer. Saturday night I called again, same time and she answered. I said thank you for answering the phone. She said she was in the shower, I said no you were not. And then the yelling and cursing...
That's not someone you get rid of lightly.
You told her to list items that are needed for your mother's house. She made a list. You told her the list was wrong, why hadn't she checked in the freezer? I'm not saying she's right, I'm not saying you're not quite right to want food used up in a sensible good-housekeeping way; but it may be that she feels she can't do right for doing wrong as far as you're concerned.
I make no excuse for her rudeness. I have met family members I long to slap (not because they criticise my shopping list, I hasten to add! - because they are being moronic about their loved ones' welfare) but I hope the day will never dawn when I am driven to swear at or verbally abuse them or behave in any inappropriate, unprofessional way.
But the way you're testing this woman... She is doing a very difficult and demanding job five days a week, and how are you supporting her in her role?
How about a good air-clearing session? Sit her down, tell her you want to be able to work with her, and lay down some fresh, practical, agreed ground rules.
Then mom fell, cut herself, and the aide did not report it to the agency. I let it go the first time, mom was okay. The second time I waited a couple of days to see if she was reporting it. She did not and I told her she had to . She got very angry, yelled at me and left the room. That was about a year ago.
It is also possible your aide has something else going on in her own life which is causing her to act out badly toward you. A pinch of kindness, a spoon of understanding, a gallon of patience is needed. First, in writing, notify her of your concerns and ask what can you do to rectify the situation. When we are upset and concerned sometimes the tone of our voice comes out harshly. Try a peaceful resolution on a one-to-one basis and perhaps there is a communication problem with the aide. If the aide was not like this in the beginning and has just developed this attitude - find out?
Let us know how it works out. You are responsible for your mother and you have a legal right that the agency and your brother need to respect.
She said that it will be difficult logistically. Generally if they are removing an aide, they show up when the aide's shift is over, help them pack up everything and escort them out. In this case, the aide has SO MUCH crap at the apartment that they might have to give her a day's notice. Not great because there is still some valuable stuff there, but I have photos of everything. I'm not going to think about that. I'm just going to celebrate... then wait to see what my brother's reaction will be. I hope he doesn't contact me.
THANK YOU all for your support!
A home health aide should NEVER treat the family members like this, it is unprofessional! As for marginal- level care, if your mother is unresponsive during the time with this aide, that is NOT good care. Especially compared to her behavior with the other aide.
Sounds like you need to get a new aide, asap! Speak to your brother, tell him everything, take notes on how the aide treats you.
Last week I told the agency director that we need a different aide. She is aware from the past that my brother doesn't want her fired. She said she would talk to him, then called me back to say that she can't remove her because my brother said no. We are equally in charge of mom's health care - any decision must be mutual. She said removing the aide should be mutual. I said that we don't have a contract with the aide - every Tuesday when she shows up, it has to be mutual.
I wish I could speak to my brother - it's just impossible
It's not about you and the aide, it's about your mom's quality of life and from what you describe it is not improved by this thing.
Does he have a personal interest in her and that's why the blind eye?
I don't think he has a personal interest in her - I can't figure out why he is so frantic about her not be let go.
"I put a camera in mom's bedroom and one in the living room about a year ago. My brother removed the one in the living room right away, the one in the bedroom is still there but I expect he will tell the aide to remove it any day now.
He said 2 days ago, ENOUGH WITH THE F... CAMERAS…. I DIDN’T TALK TO YOU FOR A YEAR BECAUSE YOU PUT UP THOSE CAMERAS!!! MOM AND (aide) AND (his wife) AND I ARE ENTITTLED TO OUR PRIVACY!!! NONE OF US LIKE TO BE WATCHED LIKE DOGS IN A KENNEL! "
Your mother isn't living in your brother's house, is she? Tell me she isn't living in his home.
If this is not where he lives, but he still objects, can he or any other users switch off the camera if he or they choose not to be under surveillance?
Your response when brother calls is Mom is unhappy. She was scared of this woman. That was abuse and she should be fired. Don't take his s _ _ t. Your responsibility is to your Mom.
I would suggest u taking over ordering groceries. Right now stores are delivering. Take an inventory of Moms kitchen. Order what she needs. If an aide makes her meals, then she would be eating with her so consider that. I think the aide was stealing food and that is why the grocery costs were high.
I have been ordering groceries from the start, every week. I go to the apartment and find the refrigerator and freezer are both so packed that you can't fit anything in there easily. The aide says that it is because she brings food in. I say 1) mom is not to eat the food you bring in and 2) if you are bringing food in, then why am I ordering food for both of you?
I never get a clear answer, she babbles something or other. And it continues. She makes the list, I place the order. It is always $150-$200 per week, even though mom has cereal for breakfast, yogurt/toast for lunch and then dinner. Twice a week, I have the aide order dinner from the facility's kitchen - so only the food I order is only for 5 nights a week.
Stores are not delivering - at least when I put the order together and try to find a delivery date, there are none available. Yesterday I brought groceries there and had to leave them at the gate.
You might be right - me and my husband were thinking either she is stealing food, or cooking for other people and selling it. She keeps a supply of hundreds of fridge containers and grocery bags.
Just looked up and NY state is now 1 with over 50k reported cases. NJ second with over 13K reported and most of them near the NY border. I hope this woman is stopped at the border and if she is not an essential she is turned back.
She called 11:45am yesterday and said she will move the aide today (Sunday). Asked if we could delay it 2 weeks til the virus dies down. I said no it will be 2 months we should't wait. She said okay, it will be tomorrow.
AN HOUR LATER she calls to say she's driving to Florida for 3 weeks on Wednesday. Can we delay it 3 weeks.
I feel like an idiot. I said no to 2 weeks, and then I said yes to 3 weeks...