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Sis was constantly misplacing her phone and last few months before she moved, it was a struggle to contact her. I'd end up driving to her house, dialing her number and walking around her house until I heard it ringing. In looking back now, I realize that she had been unable to use any phone for at least six months before she was moved. After she moved, staff discovered she was dialing 911 and had to take the phone away. I made note of all her friends' contact info, copied over the few pictures she had taken of her cat, then cleared everything off the phone. After a few weeks she never asked about the phone again. I cancelled the contract and returned the phone for recycling.
That would depend upon how demented she is. If she remembers you took it, I suspect she will be real peeved off. There comes a time, however, when you just have to live with that. At what time in life, in fact, can you recall NOT having things that make you mad? It's called LIFE. She will branch out a bit, or take to stealing the cell phones of others. My bro's ALF could not keep a remote in the TV room for the life of them.
Another really great option is ViewClix. The frame is an e-frame for pictures and videos as well as the screen is video for anyone who is on the approved list to call. She doesn't have to swipe or "answer" the screen to receive the call. (Think FaceTime or Zoom without the frustration) It also has features for sticky notes, time/date, screen sleep mode and group calls. For more capable users, they can send a message to someone on the list asking them for a callback. Great customer service too. We love it!
Consider that with her " dementia" she won't remember short term things you tell her anymore. Also, if the phone is simply 'gone', tell her it's for the best and her safety . Again, due to dementia she may or may understand nor remember. She may be angry but then anger goes along often with dementia patients as they are grieving internally the many changes within themselves that they cannot understand nor explain.
The safety issue is real. So this can be a grounding honesty in your taking, removing, displacing or whatever you want to call getting rid of the phone. You could also explore some of the " senior " communication devices available now.
Here's a clever solution I read about years ago. Eliminate most or all of the phone contacts you don't want her calling. Then get an additional phone number for yourself (you can get a free one with Google voice). Put that in her contact list under your name. Record a comforting, friendly message on the line just for her. She can call it 20 times a day if she wants to. You can tell her things she regularly forgets, i.e. "I really enjoyed our visit yesterday, and I'll be there later today. Betty was asking about you this week. You know, mom, how much I love you? I hope your shoulder is not bothering you much today. etc etc"--whatever you think would comfort her to hear, especially anything she's anxious about.
I diverted/ lyes and let it get lost after the charge died. We were done, to many odd posts with photos of her in the 60/70’s , I actually asked , “ what will you do when you meet this person?” They will know you aren’t 30 ish. She replied that no one thinks she is 80…. We are done! Hope you have the car and the bills, pills are extremely scary, least they were for us. Repeat can be with several actions, 🙏
Redriding: Simply discontinue the service for the cellular phone. 'Mom, the company who makes the phone has ceased operations.' Ergo, the phone is kaput.
A person with dementia may be "mad every day, over and over again" - or not. Every day is different.
Behavior may be associated with a cell phone, anything else, or even nothing (due to possible hallucinations, forgetting, confusion).
* Know what the medical issue(s) are - what kind of dementia. * Has the MIL been tested medically? * Google / read / call Teepa Snow and learn how the brain is affected when a person has dementia. You can also learn how to communicate with them - at their level and need (vs yours). - You may not be able to control - and cannot control - their behavior (without medication) although how you speak to them could help them stay calm, i.e., * Tone of voice * You keeping calm will support them to stay calm * Never ever argue * Acknowledge what they say * Be patient with yourself as this is learning a new language (conversing / interacting with a person with dementia) and it is not easy. It takes patience and compassion.
* When you understand or learn more about dementia, you will develop compassion for their changing brain and you will need to take care of yourself accordingly, i.e., - thank them for their suggestion, - tell them you'll check into it, - take a five minute break - - tell them you need to go to the bathroom or something. - If you find yourself 'activated' (emotionally spent / frustrated, anger, exhausted) do take a break - leave for the day or ask another to visit / manage need.
All the education and training doesn't mean this will become easy although it will be easier for you - to take care of yourself to keep going.
And, as an/other/s have suggested here, you can say the phone is being repaired and change the subject. However, also be ready to fill up that time with something else your MIL can focus on. Do not leave an empty space.
These changes will likely continue to occur and be different, as the brain continues to change. Give yourself breaks. Keep your MIL as calm as possible. (Smile, show compassion, give her a hug (touch as appropriate).
Agree with many others here…disconnect the service and tell her phone needs to be repaired. Take phone and soon she will have forgotten all about it. If she does ask about it, just tell her it’s being repaired. If she happens to ask about the phone bill, tell her they don’t bill you while phone is in repair. Just get creative about your fibbing. Again, she’ll forget about the phone soon enough.
I cancelled my mom's phone carrier service but allowed her to keep her phone. She just thought the battery was always dead. After awhile she forgot about having a phone.
I needed to take away my mom's cell phone because she was buying things online and I was worried about scammers. I found a device called GrandPad which is basically a phone and entertainment device. It allows me to set up who can call her so no fear of scammers and it also allows me to structure who she can call... so I have all her family members and friends listed for her to easily call or even email them. It also allowed me to remove the keypad so she could not make random calls.
My dad kept destroying cell phones, we found one in the tank of his toilet at MC. I then got him a land line. He averaged 1000 phone calls per month. I took the phone, told him the battery needed to be replaced and never brought it back. Best thing I ever did. He now has to spend time with other residents and does not sit in his room alone all day dialing my phone number. He still asks for a phone but does not remember the name for it, I know what he means, and I tell him every time that my sister is sending him one and then we move on to a different topic.
OMGOODNESS I giggled at this! : ) That is such a great idea! I never had the phone call problem because my daddy couldn't remember what the phone was. But he did know he had money (not a lot but he knew he had a bank account) he wanted me to give it to him I told him I had it hidden under the house and no one could get to it! Thank you for the great idea and I'm gonna put that in a file for future reference! Thumbs up!
My dad was calling people at all hours (butt dial/playing). I told him his flip phone was no longer supported and he had to upgrade him. I gave him an old iPhone I had. He couldn’t adapt to technology so it is now for emergency only.
when we would go to medical appts at hospital (lots of time spent there at height of Covid) I would give it to him and tell him to give to the nurse if he needs to get me. Everyone knows how to use an iPhone. I put codes and number to me (sole caregiver) on the back with my label maker.
Others have said this here but the best way to save yourself from being the bad guy is to take the SIM card out and then turn off the phone. When she turns it back on it will be “broken”. Then you tell her that her cell provider went out of business and you are looking for another one for her. Delay, delay, delay is often the only way.
The phone issue is much like the car issue. Eventually you have to take extreme measures to put an end to it.
Does she still use it? If she does then I wouldn't do anything with it. My BIL has dementia and still uses his cell phone. He will get mad if he can't use it. I don't know now what he uses because he is in a NH memory care and I am not his rep payee anymore which is very nice I don't have to come up with buying him anything its all on the NH now.
They will be mad day after day if the remember it.
I doubt there is a way you can do this without her being mad. There are many things we have to do that make our parents mad. Is she calling all the time? Falling for scams?
I just switched my mom to a landline from a cell phone. She couldn't remember to keep it charged. Or she couldn't answer it. This was a jitterbug (lively now) but it's not easy for someone with dementia.
I stumbled upon a service called Telecalm that you plug your landline into and it using cell service to connect (something like that anyways). Then you can download an app and set which phone numbers can call in to eliminate scams. And you can set quiet hours. And if she calls the same number X number of times within X minutes, no more calls allowed for a period of time. Loving it!
a few other suggestions to add to the great ones given. Swap the charger for one that does not fit her phone. OOPS...it must be broken, we will have to get another. Simply cancel her cell service. Pick a date and after that date her phone will all of a sudden not work. "I will look into it..." "I don't know what happened, I will find out" No mattter what you do she will be mad. But she will eventually stop asking about it. If the subject does come up you can say again you will look into the matter.
Lose it. Tell her she must have lost it. Make sure staff is aware you have taken it. My daughter, RN in a NH, says when a phone is missing, a report has to be written up and it has to be looked for. Only to find out that family took it.
Secretely take the battery out and then tell her it's broken and it needs to be replaced or fixed. Then just don't mention it. If she asks for it, tell her you're working on it. She may still get mad, but that's part of the cost of dementia.
I've had to stop driving privileges for 4 LOs in my family. I get the whole endlessly angry thing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
At what time in life, in fact, can you recall NOT having things that make you mad? It's called LIFE. She will branch out a bit, or take to stealing the cell phones of others. My bro's ALF could not keep a remote in the TV room for the life of them.
The safety issue is real. So this can be a grounding honesty in your taking, removing, displacing or whatever you want to call getting rid of the phone. You could also explore some of the " senior " communication devices available now.
Behavior may be associated with a cell phone, anything else, or even nothing (due to possible hallucinations, forgetting, confusion).
* Know what the medical issue(s) are - what kind of dementia.
* Has the MIL been tested medically?
* Google / read / call Teepa Snow and learn how the brain is affected when a person has dementia. You can also learn how to communicate with them - at their level and need (vs yours).
- You may not be able to control - and cannot control - their behavior (without medication) although how you speak to them could help them stay calm, i.e.,
* Tone of voice
* You keeping calm will support them to stay calm
* Never ever argue
* Acknowledge what they say
* Be patient with yourself as this is learning a new language (conversing / interacting with a person with dementia) and it is not easy. It takes patience and compassion.
* When you understand or learn more about dementia, you will develop compassion for their changing brain and you will need to take care of yourself accordingly, i.e.,
- thank them for their suggestion,
- tell them you'll check into it,
- take a five minute break -
- tell them you need to go to the bathroom or something.
- If you find yourself 'activated' (emotionally spent / frustrated, anger, exhausted) do take a break - leave for the day or ask another to visit / manage need.
All the education and training doesn't mean this will become easy although it will be easier for you - to take care of yourself to keep going.
And, as an/other/s have suggested here, you can say the phone is being repaired and change the subject. However, also be ready to fill up that time with something else your MIL can focus on. Do not leave an empty space.
These changes will likely continue to occur and be different, as the brain continues to change. Give yourself breaks. Keep your MIL as calm as possible. (Smile, show compassion, give her a hug (touch as appropriate).
Gena / Touch Matters
Can she keep it but you have the cell service disconnected?
That is such a great idea! I never had the phone call problem because my daddy couldn't remember what the phone was. But he did know he had money (not a lot but he knew he had a bank account) he wanted me to give it to him I told him I had it hidden under the house and no one could get to it! Thank you for the great idea and I'm gonna put that in a file for future reference! Thumbs up!
when we would go to medical appts at hospital (lots of time spent there at height of Covid) I would give it to him and tell him to give to the nurse if he needs to get me. Everyone knows how to use an iPhone. I put codes and number to me (sole caregiver) on the back with my label maker.
The phone issue is much like the car issue. Eventually you have to take extreme measures to put an end to it.
They will be mad day after day if the remember it.
I just switched my mom to a landline from a cell phone. She couldn't remember to keep it charged. Or she couldn't answer it. This was a jitterbug (lively now) but it's not easy for someone with dementia.
I stumbled upon a service called Telecalm that you plug your landline into and it using cell service to connect (something like that anyways). Then you can download an app and set which phone numbers can call in to eliminate scams. And you can set quiet hours. And if she calls the same number X number of times within X minutes, no more calls allowed for a period of time. Loving it!
Swap the charger for one that does not fit her phone. OOPS...it must be broken, we will have to get another.
Simply cancel her cell service. Pick a date and after that date her phone will all of a sudden not work. "I will look into it..." "I don't know what happened, I will find out"
No mattter what you do she will be mad.
But she will eventually stop asking about it. If the subject does come up you can say again you will look into the matter.
I've had to stop driving privileges for 4 LOs in my family. I get the whole endlessly angry thing.