There isn't much on here about husbands that care for their wives. I expect my wife has Parkinson's, but there are no neurologists that will see her until 5 months from now (July). In the mean time her tremors continue to multiply. It started with her left arm/hand and now has spread to her mouth/jaw and right hand. Her memory is gone. I will put on an overnight diaper, but she gets up an hour later and replaces it, with much difficulty. Any type of sexual contact is gone. I do everything for her. I seldom get more than 30 minutes away from her when she gets lonely. We have no friends, and any family is at least 3 hours away. I'm isolated and burned out. I can't afford to have someone stay with her and insurance/medicare won't cover anything, I'm guessing until she is diagnosed? Our family doctor gave up on her, thus the referral to a neurologist in July, where I am hoping she can get some help with her symptoms.
We've only been married 6 years. She is 75 and I am 65. I never saw this coming. I am committed to the marriage vows, better or worse. I guess I need some advice as to how much is expected of me.
THAT needs following up TODAY with MD. It it remains the same
STEP #2 is the "ER DUMP": Follow these instructions;
A) Take your wife to an ER.,or call EMS to do so.
B) Don't discuss she saw MD. Just say she can't walk, is incontinent and tremulous. (They may suspect stroke and will get her right into Exam room #1).
C) Once you are in getting the exam you can say how long, and say she saw her MD who recommended neuro consult, BUT you can't get one until July, nor even testing, AND YOU CAN'T care for her at home. That is to say "play dumb".
This should get you an admission.
Admission should get you an MD, a Neuro, and testing.
D) NOW Ask at once to speak to the Social Worker.
Keep asking until you get one. Tell him/her the TRUTH, and that you cannot take your wife home in this condition as don't know how to care for her. Say you are getting chest pain. Make up anything you want. This will buy you days, tests, evaluations, consult with neuro. I HOPE!
YOU NEED A DIAGNOSIS. These are desperate moves for desperate times.
Later we come to your decisions about whether or not you can do 24/7 medical care at home. I couldn't, and I am an RN. I would opt for placement.
That is the time you visit your CPA, consider financial separation so your wife's assets can pay for care, and remain a loving and faithful visitor spouse/visitor to my wife for the duration.
That's my advice. It would be the same for a husband or a wife/male or female. We have plenty of BOTH on Forum. You certainly are correct that culturally we remain a society in which women are commonly given the role of caregiver. However, stick around on Forum a while you will meet the men.
I am very sorry. This is truly catastrophic to see a time when medical care has descended to not doing a workup on a woman in this condition.
I wish you the best. I hope you will update us.
Thank you
You may not find a lot of posting by husbands caring for their wives, but much of the information posted can be helpful regardless of who's caring for whom. In this case, however, you have found a husband who has cared for his wife, not with PD, but with Alzheimers. What is expected of you, Joe, is to love your wife, let her know it, and to care for her as best and as long as you can without sacrificing your own mental and physical health.
Every caring experience is different. What is especially difficult is caring for one’s spouse. You are connected emotionally, physically and legally thru marriage vows. Like you, I felt committed, obligated, responsible for the care of my wife. (Obligation, though, can lead to resentment of the situation and indifference to her care).
However, our marriage vows can be an obstacle to our spouse's best care. I realize, Joe, that you are committed to your vows, but that doesn’t mean that only YOU can care for her. I was married to my bride of 52 years. But after years of delusions, hallucinations, wandering episodes, anger and lack of sleep by me, I realized that I had to find her a new home. But I promised her that I would take care of her (“for better for worse”), not some stranger in an institution. Was I reneging on my vows, was I abandoning her? No! I decided that if I could find a caring facility that could ensure her safety and understand her disease better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her. If you have a church you go to, talk to the pastor. I’m sure he/she can offer some comfort.
So, consider the other posts you’re getting about what actions to take. I’m merely commenting on your commitment to your marriage and to your responsibility for her care.
I wish you the best.
If your wife's tremors are increasing, I would get her to the ER of the best teaching hospital you have access to that has a neurology department.
You need to find out right away if this is an acute condition, or something that can actually wait until July.
On a broader note, I think that as spouses, our job is to ADVOCATE for our loved ones; if hands on care alone is too much, you need to hire aides or get her into an appropriate facility. There is no disloyalty in getting help.
My dad cared for my mother for four years, and I remember him telling me "My world has gotten so small." Indeed it had, but he nonetheless continued to go to church and to his Rotary Club meetings on his own, or he'd have gone crazy. He also did all the shopping, cooking, laundry, and cleaning.
His health was fine overall, but guess who died first?
Dad.
He was a devoted husband to the very end, and I moved in with them when he was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Only when he got sick did he hand over Mom's care to me. Even then, though, he didn't want her to be told he was sick, but she figured it out even with her dementia.
Bottom line, he lived up to his vows because he believed wholeheartedly in those vows. I also think it killed him. My mother should have been in memory care long before she was, and his illness might have been diagnosed earlier.
Do for your wife what you think you should do, and being her advocate is the most important. However, you also don't want to kill yourself, so the best you can do is prepare for that possibility. Plan as though she might be alone someday, but don't rake it come true, if possible.
Know your limits, and don't martyr yourself.
My heart hurts for you. Advocate now for both of you and don't back down! That's what it takes these days to be HEARD. Sad but true.
Best of luck.
I'll be making that same decision for my wife in the future, hence the before, during and after questions. We've already been through the ER 3 times, inpatient skilled therapy, and 2 years of out patient therapy. And now, in the burnout stage at home.
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You are not the only husband caring for a wife on this forum. Hopefully they will chime in. Sorry to say, its woman who are considered Caregivers. There are a lot ofwomen on this forum caring for Mother-in-laws because the husbands feel its their responsibility.
Brothers thinking sisters should do the caring.
Caring for someone alone is a 24/7 job. Your wifes care will go beyond what you can do. Thats OK. So your contact an Elder Lawyer to split your assets. Wifes split going towards her care in a Long-term care facility. If you have no assets just SS and pensions then you go right into applying for Medicaid. Once ur wife is placed, you remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
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