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My mother has a friend who has continually caused issues between my mom and me. They live in Arizona and I live in a different state. This woman has been a problem since I was a child. Without giving too many details, my mom lived 8 hours away from me during the ages of 7-14. She established a friendship with this woman who is around 8 years older than me. She met this woman when I was around 10. She began telling people this woman was another daughter to her and treated her as such. When I would visit during school breaks, this woman was still my mother's first priority. Eventually I gave up believing I'd ever have the mother/daughter relationship and moved on with my life.



Fast forward 40 years and now my mom is in the hospital and hospice is in place. This woman is doing everything she can to prevent me from finding out information including giving me the code word in order to speak to anyone at the hospital. She has been named power of attorney by my mother who has been diagnosed with dementia, among other things. My mom doesn't have money or material possessions, other than two life insurance policies that I knew nothing about until recently. I don't care about any of that though. My issue is not being able to discuss my mother's condition with the medical professionals.



Do I have any recourse to this? Being out of state, I'd like to be able to discuss my mom's condition with the professionals treating her, not her friend who I don't trust to tell me the truth anyway.

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Talking to you is up to. Mom but with Dementia she may not be able to give permission to talk to you.

The POA is the only person who can get informtion from the doctors and nurses. She is not obligated to give any info to you. Your Mom has assigned this woman as her representative when she can't speak for herself. You may not be able to get any info from the doctors.

Just curious, how did u find out about Mom and that there are any insurance policies?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yes, you do have recourse in this. You are your mother's actual next-of-kin. Unless she legally adopted this "friend" person, you are still her actual family. You explain this to the hospital and hospice because they may not know about you. So tell them. Ask to speak to the hospice social worker. They will talk to you.

It may also be a good idea for you to speak to a lawyer about your situation. Just to see what they say.

I am sorry for everything you are going through. You have a right to see your mother or talk to her on the phone. Tell the hospice people her "friend/POA" is preventing it.
You don't deserve to have any regrets and if you overstep the "friend/POA" by going over her head and dealing directly with the hospice people in order to talk to your mother, you will know you did your best and tried. Good luck.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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AlvaDeer Jun 10, 2024
@Burnt
This woman is with this OP's mother for more than forty years now.
We have utterly no idea what their relationship is, but what IS clear is that OP and her mother have had no relationship for more than forty years.
In my opinion she has no right now to insert herself in this situation now the mother has dementia and cannot protect herself.
Mothers do not go away from and stay away from children for four decades without reasons, whatever those reasons may be.
And, again, we have ZERO idea what the relationship between the mother and the "friend" is/was.
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This is a hurtful situation, but your mom has consistently chosen this woman over you. It’s too late now to change that. Consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to change mom’s diapers, listen to her ranting in the middle of the night, take her to endless appointments and all the other things that go with taking care of a parent who has dementia. Give it about three more minutes of sadness about what never was, then refuse to think about it ever again.

Good luck with moving on from this woman who should have been a better mom. You deserved more than you got, and I’m sorry.
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Reply to Fawnby
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BurntCaregiver Jun 10, 2024
Fawnby,

I'm pretty sure this "friend/POA" isn't changing her diapers and listening to her rant and rave all night long.
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Keptout, if your looking for validation, even if you get this women away from your mom, you won't get it, trust me I know, don't make my mistakes, walk away

I know it hurts, I know it's hard but it's the best thing for YOU, your mental and physical health, walk away, find yourself people that support you.

I would also suggest counseling, and build your self esteem.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I’m sorry you’ve been long treated so poorly by your mother. Sadly, it won’t change now. The rules of confidentiality aren’t going to allow it. Hoping you can let it go and have built a positive life with good people and experiences you enjoy. Wishing you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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No, you don't have any recourse.
You never really had a mom for many years. Her limitations had her making very poor choices.
Nothing is really different now. You still won't have a mom after she passes.
It is time to come to peace with that.
There is nothing you can do to change a bio mom but replace her with good and caring friends.
Deathbed reunions are the stuff of magical thinking and bad films.

You can try to contact Social Workers at the hospital and talk to them, but they will be unable to share patient information with you.
You can try to contact this other woman friend to simply let her know you are there if your mother wishes to see you.
Other than that, I would move on with my own life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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BurntCaregiver Jun 10, 2024
Alva,

The mother has a right to talk to the OP and even see her if she wants to.
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