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I recently heard my father speaking very cruelly to my mother. They are 78. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s about three years ago and had a shoulder replaced about two years ago. He has been her caregiver. Both my brother and I have offered help dozens of times. They never take it.



My father has always been self-centered and selfish, and will often give us the silent treatment if he’s unhappy. Recently, at the end of a phone conversation with my parents, I heard my father swear at my mother. I think they believe that they had hung up the phone. I had suspected that he had been verbally abusive toward her for a while because my mother is so anxious, but I had never personally heard the things that my father said to her.



Now that my suspicions have been confirmed, what do I do that won’t have any kickback landing on my mother? Any suggestions would be very helpful. We all live in New Hampshire.

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It sounds like your Dad may have always been a bit gruff. However, it also appears that he cannot handle caring for Mom. It’s a lot to take on. The question is, how does your Mom feel about it? She may be use to it and pays him no attention. I would sit down with your Dad and have a heart to heart conversation. Ask him what he finds most difficult about what he has to do day to day-his challenges and challenges in caring for Mom. Let him know about your concerns of his regularly losing his temper and how it makes you feel. He may need a lot more help then he lets on. He might need a physical and mental evaluation as well and to be put on medication for his mood/anxiety. Hugs, and all the best with the situation.
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raisin011 Aug 2023
My dad is exactly the same way with my mom. He's kind and loving with ther then out of nowhere he can ignore her like an enemy. And this would last for days. My mom learned early on to just ignore him. BTW, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 10 years ago. As the disease progressed he became frustrated with her inability to be the person she once was. My dad is very old school and an evaluation on him, is unheard of. Even though we all (the family) know that there is something definitely wrong up there. We always knew he had a mean streak, but it wasn't until I started taking care of her at their house, that I actually saw the ugly side of him. Long story short, after several falls and hospital trips, I made the decision to bring her to live with me, so I can take care of her. I couldn't let her stay in that environment. My dad can take care of himself . The decision I made is not the right fit for everyone.
I do suggest you monitor your mom as this horrible disease progresses. Don't ask to help. Get involved. Best of luck to you.
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PamelaJean: Getting a man to change the way he's always been is like a man walking on Jupiter; most likely not going to happen. I doubt that your mother has the wherewithal to say 'I don't appreciate being spoken to like that.'
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This sounds very much like my father. He has been told about it many times over the years but it's only getting worse. Mom used to just ignore it but recently she's getting very argumentative and sometimes quite nasty with him. I don't know if it is from years of pent up aggravation or a personality change due to possible early dementia. It is not pleasant to deal with.
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Have both of your parents assessed for placement and both evaluated by a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Consider asking Adult Protective Services to determine if spousal abuse is ongoing (or install baby cams)? That verbal abuse can switch to physical abuse in a heart beat.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2023
Connie,

Honestly, the geriatric psychiatrist is not the answer to every problem and concern everyone ever has.
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I'm sorry to hear this is being done to your mother. If it's continually happening it's harassments and that creates stress, worry all sorts of problems. I'm going through a similar situation, it's mental torture.

This is not the way your mother with Parkinson's should be treated. Sounds like they shouldn't be living separately, ask your mom to live with you if it continues or try to get to the bottom of the swearing, maybe a relationship counselling, however with the way your dad sounds he maybe reject this.

My thoughts are you mom needs to feel free, she's already going through enough.

What's the purpose of the swearing? anybody confronted him about it?
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He's probably building up more anger about the situation than your mom personally. Don't ask if you can help, just show up and give him relief. Most of the time when you ask someone if they want help, they decline. All of us do it at all ages in our life.

Ask someone who lost a loved one - what can I do for you? Their brain is so scattered they can't think of a thing or to avoid asking, they don't. Some folks show up with a simple meal. While this person would never have asked you to cook for them, the meal will be appreciated and eaten.

The same thing happens when you are tired or the situation is wearing you out. It becomes 'it's ok, i can do this' even when you really need some help.

You and brother can create a calendar between yourselves to just show up. Don't ask again. Just be there. When mom needs some help, be the first to jump up and tell dad "I'll get it".
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mek1951 Aug 2023
Brilliant strategic thinking. Well said.
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My dad has always been abusive towards my mom. As my sisters and I grew older we would protect my mom from my dad. We would often take her to live with us to get a break. We encouraged my mom to divorce my dad but for unknown reason she wasn’t able to until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Before Alzheimer’s my mom always told us she wants us to care for her not my dad. We now hold the POA on my mom not my dad. To this day, I blame my dad for my mom’s dementia because my mom was often anxious and agitated scared of my dad. I would move your mom and talk to an elder lawyer and see how you can be your mom’s POA so you can take care of your mom.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2023
I know several people who wanted their mom to leave their father when they were growing up. Or vice versa, if the mom was abusing the dad.

It’s sad when a person isn’t able to divorce an abusive partner.

They aren’t doing anyone a favor by staying with their spouse. Sadly, they feel stuck and aren’t comfortable with change in their lives.
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Sounds like your Dad Needs a break - Maybe you could offer to take her every other week or weekends to give him a Break or hire Overnight caregivers so he can get away .
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You offer to take your mother in to get away from his abuse. If that's not possible, then her situation will remain exactly as it is.

Your father is her caregiver. If no one is willing to take her in then her choices are pretty much limited to remaining in at home with her verbally abusive husband, or going into a nursing home.
No one ever chooses the nursing home.

So the best bet is to have a sit down with your father. Taking care of her is too much for him and he doesn't want to admit it.
Lay it out plainly that either they accept outside help willingly, or they wait for a tragedy to happen and the decision is no longer theirs to make.

Take your mother for a few days to give your father some respite time after you've had the talk with him. Let him think about it for a few days without your mother there.
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Pamela
I had a similar situation in a part of my family. It was really difficult. The daughter was basically held hostage by her father as she didn’t trust him to not harm her mom who had developed Lewy body dementia along with the Parkinson’s. She knew if she made too many waves he would make her leave. He had her moms POA. Daughter was secondary. During the years of illness the father became demented himself after an accident and a stroke. The daughter became estranged from her own family partially because she was so involved in caring for her mom. She went through some horrible times and became estranged from her siblings as well. I think she was also trying to protect her dad. The really difficult part is that her mom only wanted to be with her dad. They had always had a great marriage and when he was out of sight, she walked the floors worried about when he would return.
The parents are both gone now and the daughter is struggling with long COVID and depression.
See a therapist to help you gain some perspective. At some point, try to get cameras as mom may start wandering and you can help dad keep an eye on her (and yourself keep an eye on him). If you don’t live near, go and spend a few days so you can get a clearer picture of how things are going. Try to see her doctors and get your name on her records as someone who can speak with the doctors. If mom is still competent, and she may well be to make decisions on who she wants to manage her care, then try to get her POA if you think you should. I only mention it as you will be limited as to the decisions you can help mom with if your dad has all the power and doesn’t choose to include you. Mom may have a short window to set this up. Parkinson’s is so different for each person so my sad story may not be at all what your parents are going through or might go through but it is good to see them now before the disease progresses more. If there is dementia at play, realize that not everyone can grasp the reality of the broken brain. Your dad no doubt needs help. It’s a cruel blow to a family even without the possibility of abuse. I’m so sorry.
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Self-centered people...I doubt any of them make good Caregivers. I agree, that he needs to realize there is help out and he can take advantage of it.
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My mother has been verbally abusive to her family her entire life. It always was bad but my mothers frustration in not being able to take care of my father these last few years made it worse for him. Living here with them as much as I have I heard what she has said. It was very ugly,

He had to be placed in a nursing home and one of the upsides is that he has some peace now. It is very hard for her to visit him a lot and when she does she has to maintain her social facade.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
Cover909, I know you don’t think much about nursing homes. I get that.

Yiu are entitled to your opinion on but snide remarks are not appreciated.

Keep it to yourself when it involves responding to my posts.
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would be upset too. It’s disturbing to know that your mom is being mistreated by your father.

If your dad has always been this way, it’s unrealistic to expect him to be any different now.

In fact, his behavior is probably worse than before since the additional pressure of caregiving for your mom. Please know that I am not condoning his behavior.

Have you considered suggesting that your father hire a caregiver for your mom?

Best wishes to you and your family.
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If he's always been selfish and childish (silent treatment) I'd think the caregiving aspect has brought out the worst of what was already there.

Your mother may be so used to his bad temper that she doesn't realize how his behavior is wrong and damaging.
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I'm sorry your Father is verbally abusing your Mom that can't be easy to witness. It is often hard for people to accept or ask for help. Especially if your father is used to taking care of everything on his own. Sometimes change is just what the Dr. ordered and it's needed and necessary and people don't know what they were missing until it is received.

Is there anyway you could take your Mom out? Is she able to leave the house? You could take her places to help her be less anxious and give him a break. I know in Sarasota FL they have dance classes for people with Parkinson's where they sit and do movements. Maybe New Hampshire has something like that your Mom might enjoy? You could bring your moms favorite foods over or activities your Mom is able to do and sit and eat with her, do activities with her and take up her time for an entire day a couple times a week. That would help give your Father a break. Hired help services are all also great options if you can talk your Father into that. Maybe if you start small and work your way up to more once your Father realizes how nice it is to take a break and how much he needs it. I hope this helps <3
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A friend was in similar shoes. Her Father had found himself a Caregiver instead of Husband & was finding it hard to cope, losing patience quickly. He saw it as 'his duty' to provide & care & therefore refused help from the adult children (although they kept offering).

One day he could cope no more.
Told all children he was done. The adult children quickly became a work team, spoke up to Mom's Doctor. Were pointed towards extra care, councelling & support for BOTH parents.

I believe an agency was found for home help (cleaning, personal care, sitting & some driving).
councelling was found for both.
This was crutial. The Father had described feeling a 'failure' for not being able to do everything - he then changed his perspective to see he needed 'a team'.

From solo hero to leader of the pack. Still a manll thing to do.

He also saw he HAD options (where he had seen none).

He was able to have the freedom to decide if he was indeed 'done' without judgement (leading to arranging alternative fulltime care or if he could go on with help. He decided he wanted to go on, & saw ACCEPTING HELP & swollowing his prode was his task to learn.

Men come in many shapes & sizes. Pamela, your Father may be nothing like that man... But I do hope he can somehow learn the task of accepting help is OK.

Using Professionals can often get this message through better than us 'children'.

Mom's Doctor, his own Doctor (if different), an Aging Care Needs Assessor, Lifeline or Men's Line Councelling. Often a regigious leader is very good of someone has a faith.
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Beatty Aug 2023
"Still a *manly* thing to do"

Also, soz for all the typos! :(
I need that edit button back!
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Do you have moms POA? Would she give it to you, assuming she is competent in doing so?
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Your profile says that you're caring for her. If dad's always been like this to your mom it's unlikely not going to change. I hope things don't get worse.
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Welcome, PamelaJean!

What happens next is very much up to mom.

Does she want things to change? Is her depression being treated?

Has dad always been cruel to mom; is this a marriage -long dynamic?

Is he getting any help caring for her? Caring for someone elderly when you yourself are old is very hard.

Have you talked to their doctor about what you're observing,?
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