Mom really hasn't eaten in 3 weeks now; just a teaspoon of jello or part of a popsicle. She's still drinking fluids. She's been home for 9 weeks now and is definitely weakening and sleeping a lot more. She had broken her hip and fractured pelvis in 2 spots and refused physical therapy due to pain. If she has any dementia, it is very mild. She keeps insisting on us helping her try to walk. A few weeks ago, my husband and I sat her on edge of bed and put a walker in front of her and got her on her feet. She couldn't support herself at all. Today she asked to try again! I told her she can't and she keeps wanting to try. I said no. She said that she can't be a cripple the rest of her life and she needs to eat to get better. The nurse told me she's not going to improve, which I pretty much knew. So it seems that she's forgotten she's going to die and that's she's just sick and will get better. Any advice on what to say to her? Thank you all so much.
I know how hard it is to watch her slip away!
Try to take comfort in the fact that you're able to be with her in these last days. She's blessed to have family with her.
God bless!
She's gone from 100 to probably 80 (I'm just guessing, but she is literally skin and bones and looks like the pictures you see of a Holocaust victim. She is beyond exercising as she can barely lift her drinking cup to her lips. The nurse that comes weekly has confirmed she will not be improving. She can only eat jell-o without throwing up food. She's still drinking about 1 cup of liquid a day.
Sometimes she's lucid, other times she wants to know what time the tea party is. She frequently asks for help getting up. We've sat her upright on the edge of the bed and she immediately wants to lay back down. However, she still thinks she'll get better. Thanks to your advice, I just tell her she needs to rest and get better and then we'll try. She's only awake maybe 1-2 hours a day.
My sister and I just can't believe she's still hanging on as she doesn't really talk to us and moans constantly. It's not so much from pain because I do offer pain pills, but just a habit she's always had when she's sick. She is truly miserable so we just don't know why she's still here. We both feel so sorry for what she's going through. I've talked to her about dying and how she'll get to see her mother and all her loved ones again and have a new body with no pain. So I'll just keep her comfortable and wait as that's all we can do.
I do appreciate all the love and caring from everyone.
MsBelmont3
3 min ago
She lives with us and was pretty much independent. My husband and I left for a weekend trip and the first night we were gone, she fell getting up to use the bathroom. She laid there for about 12 hours until my sister's husband checked on her. She was barely 100 lbs when she fell and I'd be surprised if she even weighs 80 lbs now. She chose hospice and said she was ready to die. That was the end of Jan. She's always been a picky eater and would only eat about 1/4 cup of food a day when healthy so she didn't have any fat reserves to start with. She now is literally skin and bones and the nurse said there's no coming back from her current condition. She also has kidney and liver problems, so I believe that's contributing to her downfall as well. She always refused those protein drinks like Boost and Ensure. She's basically just hanging on, moaning in misery, and thinking she can get up and will get better. I try to keep her comfortable, but it's impossible when all you do is lie on your back. She can barely even turn on her side and hold onto the side handrail. I prop her on her side with pillows and she somehow manages to be on her back again within 10 minutes. It's amazing how the body fights so hard to stay alive. No food now for 4 weeks!
My 92 year old Mother can hardly walk, has mild dementia, keeps falling and cant get up and is getting weaker, but she refuses to talk about death, she thinks she is going to live forever, that the doctor will give her a pill and it will cure anything. Her neighbor is 97 and she refers to her as getting old now!!
She is the most miserable, self centered person I have ever known and nothing I do for her is ever enough and quite frankly the thought that doctors may find a pill to make her live forever terrifies me.
If we try to talk about anything she doesn't like she has this knack of just switching off and staring into space if she doesn't want to answer.
People approach death in their own way. It's up to us to be a comfort to them as best we can.
Maybe you could let your Mom try walking again, then when it's too much for her tell her that her body is telling her it needs rest right now, that's what I told my Dad. I made my Dad jello with mandarin oranges in it, he liked that and could eat it.
This is heartbreaking I know. I'm so sorry.
Your MIL also made an interesting point. When I was younger, I heard older people say "like is short" and then condescendingly tell me "of course you can't understand (or believe) that". Well, I DID believe it, and I've always kept it in mind and tried to act accordingly.
Thanks for sharing these!
Footnote: The first sentence of my reply was from a song by Genesis, performed in 1978, called Undertow, off their Album, "And Then There Were Three". You may want to listen to it, get a different perspective on the way people feel when faced with finality. Just a suggestion, with hope behind it for understanding.
Good wishes,
stoshsdaughter
I just lost my mom almost 4 weeks ago. She was in the hospital for two weeks fighting infection and the doctors told us, my mom, 3 siblings in the room and 2 in a conference call to listen, that they could not get control of the infection. She made the decision to not be in pain anymore. If you have hospice coming in they can explain to your mom that she should not try to walk and risk a trip to the hospital and they can also explain to her that her condition will not improve. Hospice are trained to do this.
I asked my mom one night if she was afraid of dying and she told me that she thought she would be but she was not. We had a short talk about it and my sister also talked to her about it. I think it comforted.
The things she’s doing and saying sound to me like she may be transitioning. My mom quit eating about a week before she passed and was very aware up until a few hours before. She seemed to want wait for something. It was 2 am so I called my sister to come up. Good luck
With love and light
Sabrina
She also fractured her pelvis and sacral, no broken hip.
I think you are lucky to have her telling you she wants to try. And I would give her the chance. She sounds like she is weak and needs to build up her strength and stamina. Try just letting her stand several times a day with assistance. That’s is what we started with. Get her off hospice so she can have therapy. If she is saying she wants to try, she doesn’t have to stay in hospice. Switch her to palliative care and they can order therapy for her.
is there an underlying terminal reason?
I also give my Mom these shakes from Hormel that have 520 calories in them. I have her eating all day because she has such a small appetite and getting food in her is a challenge. My Mom will gobble down a cookie though.
My Mom should not be here right now, but she is because I’m a strong advocate for her. If I listened to what “they” wanted she would have been dead over a year ago. I’m just sayin if she is motivated to try, I think she should have the chance IMO.
His depression affects his willingness to take the meds prescribed to alleviate the mood swings and agitation. I find it hard to be encouraging when he won't do anything to help himself--he's given up and has moments when he wants to die. I've tried to remain positive, knowing the outcome is not in my control, but it doesn't make the journey any easier. I agree with the others who have posted to keep your Mom's spirits up and let her feel like she's in control as much as possible. At least she's willing to try, which is half the battle.
Now what I found is that because of beds like these-- it is harder to give sponge-baths and easier for the patient to develop a UTI which eventually is what kills the patient as it did with my mother. First she was taken off food, then water because she would aspirate-- breathe it down into her lungs and develop pneumonia. It took 3 days and she was gone after a brief last morning of agitation due to a very confused brain that could not understand one bit what was going on. This is a painful time for all involved. My prayers go with you and your mother.
Since she is declining, you and your family and friends must decide on end of life matters, the after she is gone time. She is focused on living.
If this were my Mom, and all situations are different, I’d let her attempt whatever she wanted, of course protecting her from injury. At some point she’ll recognize her own frailty. These situations are never easy, we can only try make them “easier”.
These are days to live in the moment, one day at a time.
Then converse about whatever she’d like.