I picked up my mom from her memory care facility last night to take her to dinner. I was a little late arriving, so the aides herded her into the dining room and sat her at a table, telling her they didn't think she was going out after all - one actually told her I had called to let them know this. When I arrived, they seemed surprised to see me. Mom has told me that when no one is around, they are quite verbally abusive to the residents.
Another resident had mistakenly taken my mother's walker back to her own room and one of the aides went to retrieve it. When she came back with it, my mother went to thank her and touched her shoulder. The girl batted my mother's hand away saying she thought my mother was going to touch her face and she "never allows anyone to touch her face." My mother told her that was not her intention and the aide said with quite a nasty tone "I know what you were going to do, so don't tell me you weren't." My eyebrows hit my hairline. As we turned to go, I remarked to my mother "Wow, if I had spoken to an elderly person like that when I was her age, you'd have slapped me flat." The aide followed us asking in a combative tone "what did you say?" I repeated what I had said and she began arguing with me. I simply told her she had spoken disrespectfully to my mother and it wasn't warranted and I hoped she didn't treat any of the other residents in a similar manner. I know these aides aren't paid well - they could make more at the local fast food joints, and there is a huge turnover, but they are working with old people who are sad and confused and they show them very little kindness or respect.
Now I'm worried that she will be even more hateful to my mother. I'd like to mention it to the facility director but that woman is totally ineffective and I doubt she will do anything about it. Any suggestions?
Not allowing someone to touch you is - give or take - reasonable. Taking the person's hand, gently, would be preferable to batting it away. That's Item 1.
Refusing to allow somebody to explain herself is rude. That's Item 2.
Contradicting the person in a hostile way is hostile. That's Item 3.
Taking time out from your duties to engage in a personal confrontation with a resident and a family member is unprofessional. That's Item 4.
Between you and me, I think your mistake was to voice your disapproval to your mother instead of to the aide. It inflamed rather than defused the situation. Not that it was necessarily possible to defuse this: that aide has a problem. It's such a pity, because this all arose from her having done something helpful in the first place - leaving the room to run and fetch your mother's walker.
How to clear the air... I should tell the director that you want to clear the air. See what she suggests.
The aide was being confrontational in following me and my mother down the hall demanding to know what was said. I hadn't been quiet saying it and I knew she heard me the first time. She was purposely trying to provoke me into a verbal battle. I wasn't playing her game because I wouldn't do anything to upset the residents. I tried talking to her calmly but she retained the chip on her shoulder. If she was like that with me, I think she's probably a lot worse with the residents who can't defend themselves verbally or physically. I hate to think of causing anyone to lose their job but I hate more than that to have my mother and the other residents taking abuse from this person.
Aides are under the RN or DON. Who ever is the highest in the facility. Go to her and tell her about this aide. She should be reprimanded. When my daughter was an LPN she oversaw the aides. The RN oversaw the LPNs and the DON oversaw them all.
As for the problem about dinner arrangements - unfortunately the staff are almost certainly used to a combination of confused residents and no show family members, they were likely just trying to jolly her along in a effort to ensure your mother didn't end up with no dinner.
It cost me as I stayed in a hotel for a week (I was a distance caregiver). Frankly they should have offered me some compensation.
Find out what their policy is as regards incidents and follow through.
ETA. This nurse was a seasoned staff member and not a young untrained aide. I was appalled at her lack of skills.
After this my dd said to me - if there is trouble I want you on my side. Chances are I would be.
Brest of luck!
You did the right thing to confront her. Never argue with them. You told her she was rude, then firmly tell them what you expect and you will settle for nothing less and walk away. Usually, when this type boldness by staff is experienced it usually means their intimidating behavior has been unchallenged. In other words they have gotten away with it. This staffer's behavior warrants immediate termination.
Take what has just happened directly straight to the director again. Report that your mother was threatened and by how she appproached you, so were you.
Get you an elder attorney immediately. Since the director is ineffective, arbitration will probably take place. The director's ineffectiveness, high staff turnover, and how present staff's behavior is, etc., are indicators that the entire elder community is at risk.
Document everything! Date, time, situation, activity, persons, things said.
Be proactive and get your mother out!
File a written complaint with management. Be sure to note in the letter to management that you have filed a complaint with the Ombudsman. Tell management that you no longer trust that aide with your mother. Ask them to come up with a plan to protect your mother from retaliation.
If management refuses or comes up with an inadequate plan -- file a complaint with Adult Protection Services
I talked to my wife and got all the information from her and when the CNA came back into the room, I calmly asked her not to be rude to my wife, She threw her hands up into my face and said "don't talk to me, don't say any thing to me" She continued her tirade and I kept my mouth shut.
We had had 2 previous events with this aide, but directed at me, not my wife. Say anything you want to me, out of hearing range of my ife, but don't be rude to her or anyone else I care for.
I wrote a 3 page report, typed, single spaced, and professional including all details of the event. I was very thorough, with times and quotes.
At the end, I asked " If the CNA acts this way in front of me, what does she do with patients who cannot speak for themselves or have someone to speak up for them?
I made 5 copies and asked for a meeting with the DON and Loss Prevention. I gave them both copies and gave them a copy for the administrator and "lead CNA.
By FL law, they had to contact the local police or sheriff's dept, the Elder abuse hotline, and the Division of Children and Family Services.
After a week of investigating, during which time my wife was in the hospital so she was not in the facility, I got a call that the aide had been terminated.
A well written report, that covers all the necessary information, without any "fluff" or suggestions as to what you think should happen . Anything you put in your report that you did not witness, state "My ______ told me ________" . Avoid any other thoughts or opinions. Don't allow your anger to show through your writing.
Good luck. If we don't stand up for our loved ones, who will?
Later, I wrote
I asked a lawyer about a camera...they said if they find it, she will be thrown out. My mom was 95.