My mother had dementia and possibly a UTI. She won't go to the doctor or hospital and is very angry and abusive. She wants to leave and hates us all.
I'm at my wit's end this has been going on for weeks and I can't do it anymore. It happens a lot on Friday night or all through the weekend when there is no help out there. Where do I turn after hours?
What are her weeks like? Is she with other people? And she's alone (other than you) on the weekend? If this is the situation, she may be benefiting from the presence of others, even if she's not aware of it.
Do you keep a journal on when this happens and what, if any, are the preceding events? And what effect do others, i.e., socialization, have on her?
The issue IS that it happens on week-ends. These are scheduled performances and the curtain doesn't go up until Friday nights. Tumbleweed4242 says that her mother has dementia. Does she? Has she been tested and diagnosed by a doctor? That needs to happen if she hasn't been.
How far gone with dementia can she be if she's able to be so punctual? The week-end health crises, refusal of medical attention, the fight-picking, the abusive behavior... are carefully planned and scripted performances.
I'm sure socialization has a very positive effect on her. The fact that she's able to plan and time her performances for the week-ends tells me that she knows what she's doing and has awareness of it.
That's when she wants the type of attention a fight brings and a reason to behave abusively. Tumbleweed is her safe target. I've been in elderly homecare for a long time. I know a performance when I hear one, and Tumbleweed's mother sure sounds like she's regularly giving them and with encores.
For her own sake, she has to stop being her safe target by removing herself from the situation on week-ends. If the mother tries with it during the week she needs to learn to ignore her.
If you need her to be tested for a UTI, maybe you can go to a walkin clinic?
I'm not a big med fan but it sounds to me like she might benefit from something to reduce her anger, etc. She can't be happy being so negative like that. And it's no good for anyone around her either. Caregiving is hard enough without that toxicity.
I would also not take her saying she wants to leave and hates you all too too seriously. With dementia, they are obviously at some level of being confused and the brain is just not working right, so.....kind of have to give her a pass on that and try to find a way for her to be more comfortable and calmer.
So, I would hit the walkin for a pee test. Then call her doc on Monday to followup on how she is behaving, etc. and see what they suggest. Maybe a telemed visit since she is refusing to go?
Good luck!
Hugs & prayers:) kelly
Thanks for all that helpful information!!
Long term, if she has some of the "behavioral disturbances" that often accompany dementia, you will be well served by getting a geriatric psychiatrist as part of her team.
Once Mom is in the hospital maybe time to make a decision. Do you want to bring her home or is this time to place her either in an AL or LTC. Hopefully she will be transferred to rehab. If so, you can have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found its needed, then you can make you decision. Dementia gets worse, the caring too. I could not handle the unpredictability. For me it was like caring for a 2 yr old. Watching them all the time. Only this 2 yr old never grows up. The 20days that Medicare pays 100% will give to time to weigh the options. If she has no money, Medicaid can be applied for. You can allow the NH to help you but please keep involved in the process.
"I have been a caregiver for my mother and her husband for 6 years now. I am single and have no children. Now I have no friends either. I am not able to even go to the doctor or get tests done that I desperately need. I need help."
I like JoAnn29's reply right below this one. Sounds like it's time for a facility for your mother.
What's the story with your stepfather? Are both of them living with you? What kind of care do you have to provide for him? Does he have children?
I've dealt with similar with my own mother. She will be totally fine all day on a Saturday or Sunday when there's company like my sister and BIL visiting. The minute they leave there's a health crisis emergency. Some of them are actually planned. It sounds harsh to say so, but this is a real thing. Many of our elderly 'loved ones' will have a fall or some other incident that coincidently always seems to happen when the caregiver has something planned that they're looking forward to. My mother worked herself up into a health crisis on the day of my friend's wedding. She was jealous that I had looked forward to this and wanted to sabotage it so I couldn't go. The only way to prevent me going would have to be a health crisis so I'd miss it and spend the day sitting up in the ER with her. That's not what happened. I told her I'd call her an ambulance and my sister (who doesn't help with any of it). Then she said she's wait a few hours until I came back from the wedding. So I reserved a room at the hotel where the wedding was. When I came home the next day, she was fine. She didn't call my sister because she didn't want to "bother" her. She didn't call an ambulance either.
If you're convinced that something is really wrong and not just a performance, call 911. Your mother has dementia and cannot make a rational decision concerning her own health. Let her refuse. Let her throw a tantrum. It's not her decision to make.
In fact, it might be a blessing if you send her to the hospital by ambulance. Then you can ask to speak to a social worker who can help you out with some caregiving services.
You've got a tough situation and I know what it's like to be at the end of your rope with caregiving.
Please remember that you're the one in charge, not her. What you say and decide is what happens. If the abuse and anger gets to be too much to handle, put her in a nursing home.
If she gets too wild on a weekend, call an ambulance and let them know her behavior and brain indicate something is not right. Don't even mention history of uti - or they will say not an emergency, go to dr next week. If they can get her to a hospital, she may be able to get better antibiotics to fix the problem.
When she is more herself, get her to a urologist. My mom's issue was chronic because bladder not emptying all the way creating the bacteria issues. They gave her tamsulosin (same as flo-something commonly given to men) and she has only had one uti in the past 2-3 years. If your mom is wearing diapers - that can contribute as well to the problem.
If problem going on a long time - sounds like the med is not really getting rid of the infection so it comes right back. that was issue my mom had.
Having the mother get a urine test regularly to check for UTI's is a great idea. That's about the only help a weekly visiting nurse can offer because guaranteed the mother will be right as rain every time the nurse comes.
The reason why I think the mother is putting on a performance and there's nothing actually wrong with her, is because she's able to time her health crises and abuse. The curtain doesn't go up until Friday night and the rest of the week-end.
The mother is playing a game with Tumbleweed4242. She's clearly not so far gone from dementia that she doesn't know that the fight picking, abuse, or health crises has to wait until the week-end when there's no one available to help Tumbleweed out and she doesn't know what to do for her.
So this timing gets her the attention she wants. She wants Tumbleweed to fight with her, so she picks a fight. Then if she gets one it gives her a pass to behave abusively and none of it's her fault of course because she's a poor, elderly senior.
This girl needs to start ignoring the hell out her mother. If the health crises seems real, call an ambulance.
If it's just fight-picking for attention, walk away. If she gets too wild and abusive call the cops.
Just as she no longer has a say if she can live alone, drive or many other facets of life.
If you think she needs medical attention and you can not get her into the car to take her to the doctor or Urgent Care you call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you need transport to the hospital, the person has dementia and they are in need of immediate medical attention.
If you have POA for health you are the one that decides care not her.
Just as you can hire caregivers that will come in and help you care for her. It is not her decision it is yours. Yes she can make it difficult but it is not her decision.
Competency is determined through assessment and direct observation by a clinician and then needs approval from a judge in the court system.
Just wanted to clarify from this article-
"Capacity to make one's own decisions is fundamental to the autonomy of the individual. Capacity is a functional assessment made by a clinician to determine if a patient is capable of making a specific decision. Competency is a global assessment and legal determination made by a judge in court. Capacity evaluation for a patient with dementia is used to determine whether the patient is capable of giving informed consent, participate in research, manage their finances, live independently, make a will, and have ability to drive. Patients with dementia cannot be assumed to have impaired capacity."
SORRY WOLFLOOVER I would NOT recommend calling police. From my experience as a mental health therapist they are not trained in calming down situation that require empathy.
SUGGESTION #1: Have you looked into SENIOR CENTERS in your area? They have structured activities and if you could get her in the door the staff are great at getting folks engaged.
SUGGESTION #2: utilized an INTERN for my mother once before. I posted a job in the classified section seeking college students in health or psychology field needing an internship and offered to write a letter of recommendation and sign off on hours toward their requirement, in place of cash.
SUGGESTION #3: Another option is to respond to ads with people who need babysitting gigs. From my experience, this actually work]]]
SUGGESTION #4: If it is possible at all to leave her for an hour or 2, you could purchase a child MONITOR with video screen and check in on her. Hopefully you have a medical alert button system- if not PLEASE get one as they are free through Medicare.
SUGGESTION #5 If she refuses to leave her home making it difficult for you to use resources then do your best to keep her active $ busy. Michael's craft store is a great place to find many, many creative hobbies that are easy: like puzzles, DIY potholder kits, regular crochet, latch hook kits....
SUGGESTION #6 Maybe bring a stack of old photos she could put in a photo album...
Last have you tried calling your Area on Aging? Or if she does get hospitalized this allows for caregiver services up to 4 weeks I believe as a way to transition back home.
In the meantime Tumbleweed try not to take it personal, difficult in the moment I realize. Try not to isolate at home, get out and do something social with friends or family to remember you have a life too. Or sign up for a class to take like yoga etc. just to have something to look forward to that gives you time to yourself once a week..
Hang in there!
Georgia
If you are concerned that going into hospice is giving up, ask them to explain what they will and will not do for your mom. If you and your mom are not comfortable with the answer, you don't have to do it. If she gets on hospice and you change your minds, she can leave hospice care. For my mom, the key was no more emergency room visits. If she had a stroke or heart attack or cancer, she just wanted us to let her die. With that restriction, I couldn't foresee any reason to go to the hospital that the hospice service couldn't take care of in her own home. Having my mom on hospice took a lot of strain off me, the care was great, and my mom was much happier knowing that she would not have any more visits to the hospital.