I have been helping my mother on and off for 8 years. Even before her mind began to slip she was extremely abusive, so much so, she has no friends, and her last friend who committed suicide left a letter saying she would die alone. My mother has been taking Pain meds and Xanax for 20-30 years. Each month she runs out, goes through withdrawals, and repeats the cycle. Anyone who has tried to help has been accused of theft and all sorts of things. Over the last two years during Covid, I went to help her, and it was very hard on me as she is extremely well off and my girlfriend and I are just making it by. While there, my mother would hand me her card, and say go buy groceries and medical marijuana, (she would eat 1000mg) in one sitting. She is extremely judgemental, and I believe has always had an undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. She never asks anyone how they are. Has no interest in others, and always plays the victim. It's always someone else's fault. After months of abuse I had to leave, she literally would make me suicidal. She helped us pay for rent while taking care of her and used that as a way to belittle us. On top of that, she also is showing signs of dementia. But what is worse, is she has filed accusations against me with the police and claims I stole her money. This is common, she has done this for EVERYONE who has ever dealt with her. But I'm the first she's actually called the police on. Well, actually it was her older cousin who is doing all the writing. I'm afraid. Because I lack the funds to fight her, she's a millionaire and I live from gig to gig. She married into money - she did not earn it. But I still check to make sure she's paying her bills, and her house is being maintained, as I was helping while there, so most of the people who were fixing her house, know me as the point of contact. She has claimed I pointed a gun at her, stole 250k, and used her account without permission (she was so high most of the time) and now she is telling people "I kept her high". The problem is she is the actual person who took the 250k and lost it. The wells investigator told me she exhibited signs of dementia. She rarely takes showers. Never leaves the couch. And always complains about the money she didn't get when her husband died - because while she was suing her ex's husband's family, she pulled out in front of a guy driving a motorcycle who died from the accident while driving under the influence of pills. She managed to squeak by with involuntary manslaughter but it made me have to help her sign a settlement because we were dealing with two cases at the same time. Within the last 6 months, I left, changed my number, and cut contact with both her and my cousin, who enables her, but has never actually come to help her. Even after all of this, I was trying to protect her from herself, because I think she has mental problems. But now it's pretty bad because she and the cousin are twisting everything into something that is not true. She literally tells anybody and everybody I abused her. But the truth is she and her alcoholic husband abused me since I was 10. Verbally. Emotionally. I used to call her house Azkaban, to keep it light. There are times when she could be nice. But then she'd suddenly change and become vindictive. I think she may be one of the meanest people I have ever met. And obviously, I'm not the only one. Today, while checking on an email I received from waste management, I was told the manager someone was living downstairs, and then called three times asking if she paid the same bill within a 24 hour period by the manager. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and have no way to protect myself, and it seems no one believes me about her condition. Even the protective services investigator said the police told her "it's not illegal to be crazy". I am really close to getting my life back on track now. But knowing she's trying to have me arrested is stressing me out. What can I do?
First, we believe you about her condition.
This is a huge problem for you while you're trying to get back on your feet, but with any half-decent lawyer on your side, I don't see this going very far.
If she tries to get you in court, you need to prove she's abusive, alcoholic, pot-addicted, mentally ill, and demented. That sounds like a pretty good start for a defence to me. I don't know many judges or juries who would ignore all of that. It sounds like she's had legal problems before--that would be immediate, hard evidence of her substance abuse.
Can you produce any witnesses about the abuse angle? Friends or relatives who were visiting when you were young, and saw some of it? Teachers or mentors you talked to at the time?
Next, the burden of proof is on her. Innocent until proven guilty, remember? She can make accusations all day long, but to get you in court, she would have to produce evidence.
Finally, it may not be illegal to be crazy, but lying under oath is. If she tries to pursue this, there may be some ways you can get her to testify or be cross-examined under oath. I don't know the technical terms. You would have to talk to a lawyer.
Here's to hoping none of this becomes necessary, but if it does, I think you can get this wrapped up very quickly. Who knows, this may be just the thing to force her to start getting treatment, or at least get her examined so you can get some professional answers about her and your childhood.
There are no charges yet. Only her and my whack cousin who seems to have it together who has done most of the writing.
I got in some trouble 25 years ago, but other than that my record is clean.
And thank you all because for some reason people always take her side, maybe because she is wealthy and is extremely good at playing the victim.
I would like to add. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve still had a wonderful life. And happy memories. I love life. And hold no I’ll will towards even my mom, though….I’ll stay away. She’s a very sick person. And so was a lot of her family. Thankfully it slipped me except for a bit of adhd. But I still feel blessed.
Oh…I forgot, her own bank that said she took her own money but is accusing me and several others for…
Heres the thing, if she removed the money from the bank herself, she will have a hard time proving that you stole it. Especially if you have not all of a sudden had a wind fall and pre paid your rent, paid off any debts or other things that would appear that you have money you can't account for.
She is dangerous, always has been, time to move on and never look back.
Sorry, I did not understand the above.
But I suggest that you cut all ties with Mom. Change your phone number so no one can get hold of you or block them. But then I have known people to use another number so make sure your phone is set for "contacts only" the rest will go to VM where u can ignore the calls. I would even change your address and only tell the utility companies. Maybe get a PO box for a while so your address does not show up on the internet. I did a change of address with the PO thinking it would stop her junk mail. No, they were able to obtain her new address. PO could give me no reason why this happened.
Send an email to anyone who contacts you in reference to your mother. Tell them you are no longer involved with her care or her finances. If they have a problem getting paid they need to contact her. Send anything outstanding to collections and cut off utilities if thats what they have to do. Then block them.
Your Mom has money and a cousin. If there are any problems, they can handle it. Let her deal with her own life and the consequences of her actions. You actually enable her and people need to see she can not function on her own. She needs help and you can't give it. She may never get it because Narcissists think they do no wrong.
You owe her nothing. She just uses you for a punching bag.
I doubt if she can sue you. She has to prove that that 250k went from her account and into yours. Doubt if any bank would give her cash in hand. Like said, she would have to prove it. It was transferred somewhere. If you break complete contact, she can't accuse you of something you weren't around for.