Caregiving can be such an overwhelming job. I did the 'tip of the iceberg' for my in-laws compared to others on this site. What do you wish your friends/family would ask you or say to you in support? What could they do that would be helpful for you?
I ask because a good friend is on this journey with her parents (Dad with ALZ) who live with her. How can I support her in a meaningful way?
Prepare casserole type food that can be used for multiple meals. Do nice fresh fruit salads.
Give your time on a consistent basis so she can go do something frivolous for herself.
Help her with her housework, get a group of ladies together, do a potluck lunch and deep clean her house for her a couple times a year.
Listen without judgment to her vent.
You are awesome for wanting to be a friend for someone facing a challenging time that usually leaves people standing alone. Hugs to you.
Visit. Take cake, or nice cheese, or anyway special real food rather than booze or chocolates.
If circumstances allow - her father's not too ill, her mother's not too overwhelmed, you're able to do it without never, ever wanting to go near them again - offer to hold the fort if she needs to go out.
Avoid making too many "helpful suggestions"! Ask "would you like me to find out about x y z?" rather than leaping in with "there's this wonderful new gizmo/medication/facility I've heard all about - "
Just be there.
That you've already thought to ask about this incredibly important point makes me sure you are going to be a Grade A friend to your friend. Bless you and your kind.
If you can in any way, help your friend. Be there for her at the end of the phone, bring her grocery shopping, help weed her garden, anything you can do for her if you can spare the time. Be there for her because as we know here, an awful lot of "friends" bail when we are forced to dedicate ourselves to elderly parents and aren't available to go out any more.
Ask your friend how she is, ask if she needs any help and if she does need help follow up on your request. If you can advise her on her parents please do. Be there for her on this long hard journey. We all know how hard it is to get support from friends and family on this journey and one good supportive friend means so much.
People mean well when they say "if you need anything, just let me know" but I'm not going to call you and tell you to please come over and just sit with me or pick up something for me. Your friend may be different but that's how I feel and my perspective on how to help.
As difficult as it is to ask for help, it is so important that we learn to do so... It is truly a sign of self-care when we, the caregivers, can state clearly what we need that would be helpful. It doesn't matter how seemingly small the request may be, it is imperative that we ask.
Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness or inability, it's actually a sign of strength and empowerment.
It's wonderful when friends or family ask what it is we need, but often times (as has been expressed in other answers) people don't always think to ask. As long as things seem taken care of, they can go blithely along in their own lives and perceptions.
Asking for help, support, guidance, encouragement, etc. takes courage... we're stepping out of our own "comfort"/"familiar" zone... Start with a small ask, just to get the feel of it and increase your chances of getting the help you need... it might be picking up a prescription, or stopping by for a visit, or bringing lunch... etc... then you can move on to more significant requests...
It is imperative that caregivers take as good care of themselves as we do of those we love... and we breathe...
I wish someone would say hey I will pick up some lunch and bring over when you are visiting your Dad.
Someone who would stop over when I am there just to help clean up a little.
An offer to make a meal for me that I could bring to Dads.
An offer to stop at the store an pick up a few things and I would pay them.
I have close friends who support me by having me over for dinner and that is a welcoming break.
Friends listen and support but doing is the value
Recently my brother passed and there was a lot of emotional fall out over that. She's definitely going down hill and needs some help but it's expensive. But yes just call, show up and bring something. A meal, a card - money for an outing if possible. A plant and conversation.
In the case of your friend who, by the way, is very lucky to have you, just a couple of hours respite from caregiving so that she could go get a haircut, go to the beach, window shop, take a nap, do errands, go for a walk or any little thing most people take for granted would probably be so appreciated.
If the family is at the point that AL or some sort of placement is near, I would much rather help encourage that, than tell my friend's dad "What a great job you are doing here on you own Bob!" -- that just undermines the family. Bob hears "You are fine, you can keep on living here, you got this!"
If mom keeps leaving her cane behind and walking, and she is supposed to be using it all the time -- I'd rather I know, then I can encourage "Sally, don't forget to grab your cane before you go to the kitchen" She can fuss, and I can maybe give a few words of "Why" that the family has shared with me . . . ."you wouldn't want to fall again, remember when you broke your hip and had to be in the hospital and rehab for so long?"
Grma always "Forgets" to wear her alert pendant ("I don't need that, I'm not going to fall"). . . "Gee Gertie, I see your necklace on the coffee table, let me help you put that on. I sure was glad to have mine on when I fell in the kitchen a few weeks ago. They helped me to call my son and he came and got me up and settled into my chair" Or some other story of it saving the day - to reinforce, "you don't know when you will fall - better to have it on."
As family/caregivers we fight so many small battles, and a well placed conversation with an "outsider" can either help us in our fight, or set us so, so far back :(
Just yesterday in the grocery, MIL was being stubborn and refused to push *just* the cart OR the walker . . . . .was trying to manhandle them both through WalMart. It was way too much, (and a fall/trip hazard *sigh*) and by the time we left (3 hours later) she was barely able to walk, crying out in pain every other step.
So many people just saw a sweet little old lady, hobbling along. Quite a few looked concerned, and I would catch their eye from behind her and say "I'm with her" They looked relieved, but still several said "Gee, you are doing good there!" NO she is doing STUPID there and going to pay for it for days. But everyone who said that, just confirmed for her, that she was perfectly fine. It couldn't be further from the truth *sigh*