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Fortunately, there is no illegal activity going on. Thank you for your comments MarsRecruit56, because I hear you, especially when you say: " Life is too short to let other people drag us down and make us crazy!"
If you are taking care of a husband that is a total deadbeat loser, then it's time for the divorce kit and legal secretary to file your petition. If you are taking care of a husband with Dementia, then find a reputable care facility for him. Life is too short to let other people drag us down and make us crazy! My first husband was a deadbeat con artist. He is currently living large and sucking dry an elderly lady named Betty, who bought this POS his own business in Laguna Niguel. He deserves the death penalty. I let him drag me down and lie to me for 16 years. Husband number 2 was a psycho/charmer. He couldn't get sentenced to more than 3 weeks, which gave me a chance to run as far from him as possible. You only have 1 life, so don't throw it away on someone who doesn't care about anyone but themselves and what they can get from others. There are tons of trashy people out there with this agenda.In fact, they are everywhere.Covid brought the scum out of hiding!
That's a big fat TIME OUT/time off. I didn't heed the red flags and now I am disabled as a result. If the life is being sucked out of you and you feel more like a ditch digger/psychologist, it's time to move on. If it's family, then find another family member to pitch in until you find a permanent situation.
Send - could you set about making a giant poster at your kitchen table, do it elaborately with paint pots and poles to hold the ends and all the rest of it, and paint in red letters "I TOLD YOU SO." And then when DH asks what you're doing you can say "I'm just getting it ready."
Hugs. Has he actually gone ahead yet or is there still time?
Let me tell you about a Special Needs Trust. I set one up for nephew to protect his deceased Moms life insurance he was beneficiary of.
Its very limited in what it can be used for. No lodging or food because nephew can get help with these. No utilities like heat and electricity because help can be gotten. I can pay his cable and his phone bill but...cannot buy the phone. I can buy him stamps. I cannot pay for his funeral with it. That should have been set up when he was 20. We cashed his bonds and put in the trust plus some of his SSD checks when he was living with Mom which I stopped doing when I found out that the trust reverts back to Medicaid when he passes. So what is good about having it when he can't really use it.
Yes JoAnn, That is what I understood. Not willing to put us under someone else's rules. We just need housing, utilities, food, car, gas, a very simple life.
I think that I knew you had said this before.
I have learned so much over the years from everyone here.
I'm the last person to give relationship advice, but I can share this -
It seems to me that you are feeling life is out of control right now on many fronts and you are seeing danger around every corner. Because I'm a planner I find that spinning my worries out to their worst possible conclusions can be a way to help regain control and perspective (If this happens it could lead to this, then this, and then, and then)... and a mental plan is put in place for each eventuality. What can I do to make sure I'm OK (or as OK as possible) every step along the way, even if that worst thing happens?
Send, I'm not sure what's going on for you, but I you send my support.
I know my DH & I have very different thinking styles which effect money. I have a long term view & he's short term.
So I'm a planner/frugal/bore depending on point of view. He's spontaneous/spender/careless depending on view.
I worked out having a joint account for household & separate for own spending worked better long ago.
Are you needing to protect joint assets? Is there recklessness?
I found some bills were not being paid on time, as this would reflect on both of us, I stated what would happen if this continued. (He just didn't see as priority which was a weird red flag). It continued so I changed those to another account. It started me thinking about if I need to protect assets & how I will do that.
Would separate bank accounts for you work? I love the Barefoot Investment style of splitting 60/20/20 for bills/save/spend.
In my marriage (second for us each), our monies are separate. Realized when we met that we have different ideas about money, very different levels of income and savings, etc.
Can YOUR money be protected?
I think this a question for an eldercare attorney with Medicaid savvy. I think it may be time to do a division of assets so that you can't be impoverished.
Don't ask for his permission. Depending upon the state, you are most likely entitled to half the asssets.
It is not "division of loyalty" in a marriage to look out for your own best interests.
I think the saying is at the end of the rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. Sounds like what you are doing Send. I hope things settle down long enough to tie the knot.
I recently “knew” I was at the end of my rope. I decided on an extreme course of action (for me). I was on a road trip I knew I shouldn’t have gone on. Traffic and weather were horrible. I was trying to make the best of it. One thing after another was confirming my bad decision. I felt trapped and I knew the trip was snake bit from the get go so I was angry with myself for going along to get along.
So I decided to take action. I took my phone out and found a flight at the closest airport from where we would be stopping for the night. I found a shuttle to my flight, found a shuttle to my friends home where I would spend a few days and then a shuttle back to the airport near my home and then a shuttle to my car etc. This took awhile riding along in the dark. When I was finished I felt back in control. Nothing had changed of course except that I had a plan handy if I felt I just had to bail. I felt better just having taken action.
Writing this now reminds me of an Elizabeth Gilbert quote I just read.
“you are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control, but you never had control; all you had was anxiety.”
So true! Applies to me! And your road trip story saves me a whole lot of time and expense. I would be going alone-lol-not advisable for me right now. But I hear that you were on a road trip feeling trapped by obligation with someone else. Been there, done that! (But I was the driver).
Excellent quote.
We all had a good night's sleep last night. Nice omelet with avocado, and european bread, dense and over 9 mos. old, stored, not expired yet.
This is not very 'public' here, really, you're using a fake name which is anonymous, right? Feel free to let er rip :)
Lawyers are still working, at least around here where everything is pretty much open. We're heading into year TWO of this stupidity where grocery stores have been open the entire time, yet it takes me 2 hours on hold to get thru to my MEDICAL PROVIDER! Insanity. As far as I know, nobody has caught Covid19 from a telephone call, so the lawyers probably ARE taking calls and handing out advice, although it's likely not 'free' advice. Snicker.
I hope you can take 2 weeks off and step back, that would be great! Burnout is very real and so is compassion fatigue; Google it. Doctors love to throw out fake diagnoses when they haven't got a CLUE about what's REALLY going on, right? What would they know about your life and caring for someone 24/7 with cognitive impairment issues in the first place? Makes me want to scream!
Praying you can get things worked out, one way or another. Here's a big virtual hug for you.
Oh, thank you for the kind support Leolonnie! I could try screaming.
The lawyers had advised before he needs a special needs trust, but we could not fund it. And the funds would be handled by someone else, resulting needing to 'ask' for our own money-needed all of it every month.
Thanks everyone for commenting, reaching out. I do have some serious issues, but cannot comment much, publicly. Divided loyalties in marriage are just one issue. I learned early on, after cognitive challenges were diagnosed, that my dH would not think of, or remember anything else other than what he was doing at the time, and with who he was with-that would always take his priority. This challenge makes him more vulnerable to exploitation by others. And I don't think I can protect him anymore. Maybe let them work it out as I take two weeks off, step back. Without my support, dH may realize he has over-extended himself.
Tired of being the bad guy. If I were to make an assessment, as if it were someone else, I would think Covid Psychosis, temporary. Maybe we have a shared psychosis-I told my doc this years ago, and he laughed. One thing about burnout, I just hate it when the doctors say: "It's your fibromyalgia", or it's his [diagnosis]" As if that is supposed to be comforting, or can improve or explain all things. During the pandemic, I have lost all of my support people.
I just thought that it cannot be just me going through this, so this thread is for you all. I can learn from the brave people here. I will keep trying though.
Leolonnie, Plan B, I think the courts are backlogged, and closed.
Apologies for throwing around psych terms that may not apply.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Thank you for your comments MarsRecruit56,
because I hear you, especially when you say:
" Life is too short to let other people drag us down and make us crazy!"
Today went okay, much better.
When there is a full moon, one day, one hour at a time for me.
I have received some very good and supportive advice from some of my favorite posters here. Thank you, everyone! 💖😂👩🍳
I am happy to have this to reference now.
Hugs. Has he actually gone ahead yet or is there still time?
However, I am not a crafts-type person. No colored pens here.
The new N 95 masks arrived, the protective face shields too, just in time.
He has agreed to try and wear them Sunday. A concession.
Let me tell you about a Special Needs Trust. I set one up for nephew to protect his deceased Moms life insurance he was beneficiary of.
Its very limited in what it can be used for. No lodging or food because nephew can get help with these. No utilities like heat and electricity because help can be gotten. I can pay his cable and his phone bill but...cannot buy the phone. I can buy him stamps. I cannot pay for his funeral with it. That should have been set up when he was 20. We cashed his bonds and put in the trust plus some of his SSD checks when he was living with Mom which I stopped doing when I found out that the trust reverts back to Medicaid when he passes. So what is good about having it when he can't really use it.
That is what I understood.
Not willing to put us under someone else's rules. We just need housing, utilities, food, car, gas, a very simple life.
I think that I knew you had said this before.
I have learned so much over the years from everyone here.
Appreciate all of you!
I'm the last person to give relationship advice, but I can share this -
It seems to me that you are feeling life is out of control right now on many fronts and you are seeing danger around every corner. Because I'm a planner I find that spinning my worries out to their worst possible conclusions can be a way to help regain control and perspective (If this happens it could lead to this, then this, and then, and then)... and a mental plan is put in place for each eventuality. What can I do to make sure I'm OK (or as OK as possible) every step along the way, even if that worst thing happens?
What is the worst that can happen.
I know my DH & I have very different thinking styles which effect money. I have a long term view & he's short term.
So I'm a planner/frugal/bore depending on point of view. He's spontaneous/spender/careless depending on view.
I worked out having a joint account for household & separate for own spending worked better long ago.
Are you needing to protect joint assets? Is there recklessness?
I found some bills were not being paid on time, as this would reflect on both of us, I stated what would happen if this continued. (He just didn't see as priority which was a weird red flag). It continued so I changed those to another account. It started me thinking about if I need to protect assets & how I will do that.
Would separate bank accounts for you work? I love the Barefoot Investment style of splitting 60/20/20 for bills/save/spend.
Mine is bills 90/
save -0-
spend 10
Huh.
In my marriage (second for us each), our monies are separate. Realized when we met that we have different ideas about money, very different levels of income and savings, etc.
Can YOUR money be protected?
I think this a question for an eldercare attorney with Medicaid savvy. I think it may be time to do a division of assets so that you can't be impoverished.
Don't ask for his permission. Depending upon the state, you are most likely entitled to half the asssets.
It is not "division of loyalty" in a marriage to look out for your own best interests.
Because nobody else is going to do that.
Your advice is right on.
Sounds like what you are doing Send. I hope things settle down long enough to tie the knot.
I recently “knew” I was at the end of my rope. I decided on an extreme course of action (for me).
I was on a road trip I knew I shouldn’t have gone on. Traffic and weather were horrible. I was trying to make the best of it. One thing after another was confirming my bad decision. I felt trapped and I knew the trip was snake bit from the get go so I was angry with myself for going along to get along.
So I decided to take action. I took my phone out and found a flight at the closest airport from where we would be stopping for the night. I found a shuttle to my flight, found a shuttle to my friends home where I would spend a few days and then a shuttle back to the airport near my home and then a shuttle to my car etc. This took awhile riding along in the dark. When I was finished I felt back in control. Nothing had changed of course except that I had a plan handy if I felt I just had to bail.
I felt better just having taken action.
Writing this now reminds me of an Elizabeth Gilbert quote I just read.
“you are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control, but you never had control; all you had was anxiety.”
And your road trip story saves me a whole lot of time and expense.
I would be going alone-lol-not advisable for me right now.
But I hear that you were on a road trip feeling trapped by obligation with someone else. Been there, done that! (But I was the driver).
Excellent quote.
We all had a good night's sleep last night. Nice omelet with avocado, and european bread, dense and over 9 mos. old, stored, not expired yet.
Your response is so appreciated, thank you!
As is everyone's supportive statements. 💖💖💖💖💖
POA-he says no, does not require a guardian yet.
VA Aid & Attendance-did not serve during a war.
Doctors: "Some things cannot be fixed." "Just be kind to each other."
He now refuses to see any doctors since Covid. A bit paranoid now.
An AL or board & care could not hold him-he would leave.
He can live in the community with daily support/minimal supervision.
Lawyers are still working, at least around here where everything is pretty much open. We're heading into year TWO of this stupidity where grocery stores have been open the entire time, yet it takes me 2 hours on hold to get thru to my MEDICAL PROVIDER! Insanity. As far as I know, nobody has caught Covid19 from a telephone call, so the lawyers probably ARE taking calls and handing out advice, although it's likely not 'free' advice. Snicker.
I hope you can take 2 weeks off and step back, that would be great! Burnout is very real and so is compassion fatigue; Google it. Doctors love to throw out fake diagnoses when they haven't got a CLUE about what's REALLY going on, right? What would they know about your life and caring for someone 24/7 with cognitive impairment issues in the first place? Makes me want to scream!
Praying you can get things worked out, one way or another. Here's a big virtual hug for you.
I could try screaming.
The lawyers had advised before he needs a special needs trust, but we could not fund it. And the funds would be handled by someone else, resulting needing to 'ask' for our own money-needed all of it every month.
I do have some serious issues, but cannot comment much, publicly.
Divided loyalties in marriage are just one issue.
I learned early on, after cognitive challenges were diagnosed, that my dH would not think of, or remember anything else other than what he was doing at the time, and with who he was with-that would always take his priority.
This challenge makes him more vulnerable to exploitation by others. And I don't think I can protect him anymore. Maybe let them work it out as I take two weeks off, step back. Without my support, dH may realize he has over-extended himself.
Tired of being the bad guy. If I were to make an assessment, as if it were someone else, I would think Covid Psychosis, temporary. Maybe we have a shared psychosis-I told my doc this years ago, and he laughed. One thing about burnout, I just hate it when the doctors say: "It's your fibromyalgia", or it's his [diagnosis]" As if that is supposed to be comforting, or can improve or explain all things. During the pandemic, I have lost all of my support people.
I just thought that it cannot be just me going through this, so this thread is for you all. I can learn from the brave people here. I will keep trying though.
Leolonnie, Plan B, I think the courts are backlogged, and closed.
Apologies for throwing around psych terms that may not apply.
This thread is for you all!
Giving him space to make his own mistakes this week.
Blame it on the full moon coming soon?