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My Mom is a self-destructive narcissist. She is 84 and in independent living. Her personal savings will run out in about a year and a half. My brother and I have tried every service to get her support. We have even callled adult protective sevices to intervene. My mom was charming enough, and they closed the case. We both live in another state from her,and I would say she is at stage 5 dementia on a scale of 7. I am hoping that at some point she will be admitted to the hospital for a fall or UTI, and the hospital will take over. We are both drained from her life-time of chaos and histrionics.What happens if she enters the hospital ,and we make it clear that we are no longer helping her? I have asked social workers and care-givers the same question, and I just get a nervous chuckle and on to a different topic. Plus, they always remind me that nothing can be done without her consent. However, then I receive calls about her behavior/condtition from anyone that deals with her or from her, herself. It is maddening. I have seen very similar posts from other people on this thread. Thank you so much in advance for reading this. I have asked, "What happens if a person has no children or the children are a hot mess and in no condition to take care of their aging parent?" Fairly soon, I will be a hot mess from her behavior, and I am pulling waaayyy back.

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I have a book recommendation for you. Never Simple by Liz Scheier is a good fast read of this kind of situation.

If you step away and don't respond to the F.O.G from mom and the hospital, the state will take guardianship. FOG=Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
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If you refuse to take her, the state will step in and she will made a guardian of the state and be placed in a home. The social workers will press you to take her, just continue to say no.
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Grandma1954 Apr 2022
She would be a Ward of the State, the State becomes the Guardian.
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Are either of you listed as POA? (If so you might want to change that, send a letter to the lawyer that drew up the papers, a letter to the facility where she is currently living informing them that you are no longer able to be POA)
If neither of you wish to be responsible then the Hospital would have to obtain a court order to treat if she is unable to give consent. And if no one will be responsible for making decisions on her behalf then the State would become her Guardian.
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PeaceandZen Apr 2022
Thank you!
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First up: Promotions!

PeaceandZen + Brother promoted from Maid/Man-Servants to Concerned Relatives & Advocates as required.

Mother can also promote herself to having actual staff do things for her.

If she is *independent* that is what independent people do.
They arrange their own help.
Tell her this.
However, if she is not.. ?

What IS the next plan?
Assisted Living? Or add on services where she is?
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Thank you very much for the answers and book recommendation!
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Thank you ,and I will check out the book!
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