What helps the mental health of the caregiver? I am spiraling downward and I need suggestions as to what to do?

Brutal honesty here: My stomach aches and my mental health have improved greatly since my father died. I did not want him to die but once he was gone my moment-to-moment anxiety began to recede. I know this is no help to you. What I would say is that you must take the steps to save your mental health. Look for supportive therapy from a therapist who understands the issues you face.

My heart goes out to you. This grief seems like it's coming to you every day. In daily doses. I believe we are given only one day at a time for this reason. It's all we can handle. What helped me deal with similar grief is knowing there is no fixing your loved one, or the situation. Only providing comfort where needed. That said, the feelings still came every day. Knowing that this feeling would not entirely ever go away, I was told by someone to give the grief 15 minutes at a time, no more. Then find something you enjoy no matter how simple. Break it into small doses. It helped me not let it take over my whole day...just bits of it.

Life can be rough, really rough. Change is hard. You are probably being asked (or given a demand or threats) that you feel trapped. You probably think you have no other option other than to be a caregiver. Watch out for the stomach ache. That is how I internalized the stress while I was growing up.

If you are a caregiver to a non-relative (in other words, a professional), I suggest that you look into other educational activities while you are a care giver. My best caregivers were women studying to be something else, most of the time, a nurse. My Mom liked them too because they would happily talk about what they were learning to my Mom and my Mom would ask them questions back. I also had a caregiver who was an aspiring author so she would inquired endlessly about my Mom's life and experiences.

If you are a caregiver to a friend or relative, how much free time do you have? Would/could you volunteer at a food bank or an agency? Could you find a part time job that could serve as stress relief? If you are a caregiver to a relative and the relative is reasonably healthy, he/she could also volunteer with you at a food bank or a zoo.

Do you know why or which part of the caregiving situation is giving you the most stress? If so, target that piece and look for alternatives to counteract the stress.

Another option would be to seek a professional therapist. A therapist can help you get to the root of the issue (which you may or may not be aware of) and guide you to some alternatives and paths.

Be careful on the journey to find the meaning of life. The meaning of life is not necessarily an end goal. The meaning of life could very well be learning from every experience given to you to challenge you to be the best of yourself.

We don’t know much about your situation, but if you possibly can, put your loved one in a care facility. It isn’t right to expect yourself to pull out of this when the burden only gets worse. You deserve to get your life back, and you can do that, but not if the load you carry keeps pulling you down. There is no shame in saying “I just can’t do this anymore.”

According to your profile, your husband has dementia and lives in Skilled Nursing where you visit him frequently. What kind of help are you looking for from your sons that they're not giving you? Are you suffering from guilt for placing your DH and because he wants his old life back, which you cannot give him? That's normal for you to feel that way, but you have to remember the 3 Cs:

You didn't Cause this
You can't Cure this, and
You can't Control this.

Those 3 Cs originally pertained to Al Anon, a loved one living with an alcoholic and learning coping skills. But these 3 Cs are good to apply to your situation as well. Dh is cared for and safe, which is all you can do for him at this stage of disease. And continue to love him and visit, which you're already doing.

For you to find a purpose in life, you have to go out and find one. Volunteering is a great place to start, perhaps in a children's hospital reading to kids with cancer. Giving back to others gets us out of our own heads and feeling useful again as human beings. Even working at an animal shelter may give you a good feeling back again. Petting animals gives you unconditional love with no expectations from you in return.

If need be, get some therapy to help you carve out a path to your own healthy future now.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

Meet with friends an hour (minimum) each week- informally, someplace like a coffee shop and chat and listen to anything but your own caregiver problems. I have a couple friends we meet once a week for about 2 hours at a little coffee shop in my neighborhood, get some coffee and chat about all sorts of silly or serious things and it really helps keep my spirit refreshed because it’s not the slightest about caregiving and I feel connected again with “normal” life while I’m there. Plus I really look forward to it each week and I start to feel upbeat as that day approaches. if you can’t meet to chat with friends try scheduling some exercise time at a gym.

From the OPs profile:

I am caring for my husband Bob, who is 77 years old, living in a nursing home with alzheimer's / dementia.

About Me
I am not used to living alone. I had a very close family before this has happened. I've tried weird programs to help me, I've talked til I'm blue in the face, trying to figure my next step. I visit my husband every other day in a closed facility and all he wants to know is when we can resume our past life!!
I'm not pushy or I'll lose my whole family. It seems I'm losing the battle to keeping me healthy! Any suggestions

Guessing you may have been happiest and felt that your life had meaning when you were caring for and raising your boys, and when you were involved with "normal" daily responsibilities of family life.

Regardless of your husband’s health the odds of this lasting would’ve been detrimental to your children’s growth and development. If you did a good job it was never meant to last.

Forgive me if I'm going down a wrong path here with my suggestions but maybe for starters you could feeling better by volunteering to be a Baby Cuddler at a hospital. Look it up, you may need to attend a brief orientation or get a quick certification. Or you can volunteer to tutor children to read at a library or through a church program. Volunteer as a meals on wheels delivery person. Be of service just for 3 hours a week. Take lessons to develop your gifts. Meet people. Set goals.

Take deep slow breaths now and again. I often forget to do that although I know it actually works. Maybe I'll get back to the breathing thing after several boxes of cookies over some weeks. Other times, for a few days I may remember to practice thinking peaceful gratitude for a few seconds first thing in the morning and last thing at night, again after a slow breath and I whisper "I am grateful". It's not a religious thing, maybe, but it works.  

Most healing is being a cog in the machinery of giving, working with, accomplishing, helping, not watching TV, (being the one having a life rather than watching others having a made up life), that brings meaning to life.

Get something done for/by yourself -
Because my husband takes a million years to eat a meal. After many years of making excuses why I had no time to exercise (because of him, dang it), I now have weights in the kitchen and do curls, other arm exercises and squats while I keep him company.  If feels terrible but one day it won't.

You can't expect anyone but yourself to push you toward the promised land of fulfillment and happiness which only comes, for most people, from living a meaningful life. You are not at a dead end. We're all alone. Sometimes I feel so alone that it seems as though my heart is being squeezed inside a callous and mean fist. Often my mind takes a turn inside that fist. 

Being alone, you have a great opportunity to finally find out your own honest-to-goodness direction that is not influenced by your circumstances or due to the dynamics of a family. By being alone what you become will be pure you. 
It’s truly painful right now but you know so much has been accomplished by loners, and pathfinders.

Your sons are not giving you help. Tell them you and their dad need help. Tell each son you need, say, every Saturday afternoon, and 3 hours every Wednesday night. Tell them you're sorry but it's critical to your health in order to be around to take care of their dad. Or hire help if you can.

Join a support group.  

It happens that I have caregiver friends, one has two autistic middle aged sons, sadly the pearl of her life, her hilarious and sharp minded daughter, died of lupus and scleroderma 6 years ago. I admire this mom so much. 
Another caregiver friend still works, takes care of a husband suffering with Parkinson's and she visits her 96 year old mom almost every weekend. This is one classy lady.

By joining a support group, a good one, you become what you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with eaters, you eat. If you surround yourself with valiant people, it buoys you, their courage is catching, you’re still whipped but you become heroic. And if you surround yourself with sorrow and defeat, you sink, and sink, and slowly, cripplingly, and in a self-abusing way you sink deeper.

Would you give anything to get this lump out of your throat? Make a stand for yourself. Nothing is easy but I guarantee you with each step you evolve into a new and improved creature that'll bring you closer to finding, (and not by someone else's hand), meaning.

Here’s to your success

More details please. Who are you caregiver to? How old are your sons? Who lives with you?

Football, you say in a previous post that your previously close family is ignoring you.

Have you asked them what's changed?

I understand that you are feeling needy. Neediness is not a quality that makes others want to spend time with you. Your own kids may not be the best folks to lean on right now, as they are mourning, in an anticipatory way, the loss of their dad.

You say you've tried "weird programs". Have you discussed your issue with a regular, highly qualified therapist? Discussed possible depression medication with an MD?

Take a break. Wherever, whenever.

if you don’t have the resources to pay for help take turns with someone in a similar situation.

I am imaging that you are needing emotional support? If that is the case, I would look elsewhere not to your sons.

My brother who I share the responsibility to care (in homes) for 2 LO's is useless when it comes to that giving me emotional support. Now if I need him to move a piece of furniture, ok, he's there for me.

I personally think it is a guy thing, I call it the emotional avoidance technique. They by nature want to be problem solvers, fix it like a car, get it running, jump in and off they go. Done, problem solved!

Certainly, understand there are exceptions to my theory, few and far in between.

Me, I would look for a local support group, social club, go to a church, meet with your friends have lunch, wander around shopping, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere, not in a senior home.

It seems that from you have posted, you have dedicated yourself to your family, might be time to branch out, reinvent you!

Might also help if you do not visit your husband every day, maybe 4 times a week and 3 left to you to rediscover who you are and plan for your tomorrows without your husband.

Start taking care of you! My best!

Your husband is being cared for by people that are available 24/7
Give yourself a break.
Make plans to take a vacation. It does not have to be a long one. Just enough for you to decompress a bit. Even a weekend at a hotel where you don't have to make breakfast, lunch or dinner. You don't have to make the bed and you don't have to mop the floor, clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry. You can do that when you get home.
While you are on your vacay think about what you want to do.
There are plenty of places that need Volunteers, lots of places hire part time. YOU get to chose who you are and what you want to do.
I Volunteer with/for the Hospice that cared for my Husband. I find great satisfaction in that. AND it gives me a reason to get up in the morning at least 2 days a week. Better yet they appreciate what I contribute so I feel needed/useful.
And it is a way for me to "pay back" the good.

As to the lump in your throat and the stomach ache. I am sure part of that is grief. As hard as it is accept it. It is difficult losing your partner bit by bit. In other peoples minds you are married, your husband is alive...in your heart you are dealing with his eventual death. One of the ladies in my Support Group called herself a "Married Widow" and that sort of sums up the feeling.
If your husband is on Hospice (if he isn't you might want to consider that) you can talk to the Social Worker and or the Chaplain that is part of the team. Hospice is there for you as much as it is there for your husband. If you have a religious affiliation you might want to find out if there is someone you can talk to. Or contact your doctor and ask for a referral (if you need one) to a therapist if you think you need to talk. If your doctor is not aware of what is going on with your husband let them know. This effects your health mentally, emotionally and physically.

I have a whole bunch of little quotes that I have and this one might help you.
Crying is a way your eyes speak
When your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.

and the other one I really like:

Grief never ends
But it changes.
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.

((hugs))

I don’t have much to offer as advise but can say as a burnt out carer that I’m searching for meaning/purpose every minute. Both my brothers have passed (one recently) and I’m caring for Mum 79yr on my own. The couple hours that I get for myself even then I end up just feeling confused. Had a couple hours at shopping centre before and just ended up walking around aimlessly. It’s funny because the few respite workers that visit Mum, had parents they were looking after and it’s almost as if they are stuck in that cycle, like they can’t break out. I think it’s about finding new routines. Have you got pets? Grandkids?
Mum is due to go to aged care shortly and I’m already dreading how I’ll go.

You must get out and do something for you. I started counseling session, I took scheduled walks outside to clear my head. I had an in-home caregiver and support from my husband. However, it’s still a hard and stressful time. You must make time for yourself.

I agree with many of the others: try to do something for yourself. When Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's, I was overwhelmed at first, but when I started to take just a little time for myself, I felt better. I walked to a friend's house in the neighborhood to have coffee, while Hubby watched my mom. Just that little time away to chat was a releif and a release of my stress. I tried to find the humor in the situation where I could, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for an accounting job in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean," I learned the value of finding a laugh when I could. My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I would write down these funny happenings, and even the act of writing things down helped. These musings actually became a book called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.

Volunteer in your community, choose a charity (or charities) that touches your heart and lifts your spirits. Animals, seniors, teens, childcare, education, the blind, rescue dog programs, etc.

Family isn't always the source of happiness and fulfillment. If you can meditate, you will start down a path of clarity in getting to know yourself and your boundaries. Anyone who hurts you intentionally doesn't deserve your love.

Mental health is covered by many health insurance programs. I think I will see one soon.

Sounds like she needs to be put temporarily in the nursing home. I think they call it a reprieve. It allows you to have a break from caregiving.do you have any siblings?

Being alone does not mean you cannot find meaning of life.
Actually, i think opposite is true. After my first divorce I spent some time completely alone and really discovered what I want from life. I proceeded with my plan and turned out OK, better than that. I don‘t like cliches but it is true when we are so down we can only go up.
Don‘t be afraid to be alone, understandable how your life changed, but , don‘t relay on children to fulfill your emptiness.
Change your house, decorate, maybe makeover for yourself, exercise, cooking nutritious meals for one, yes for one and make it special. Or invite kids or friends.
Take trips, make friends, read, take classes, paint, journaling, write a book as rlynn suggested, that is great idea!
Many of us will have to make changes and apart from making or taking care of financials, I think we have to have plan A,B., write down all the things you want to do in life and think what is realistic.

footballqb: Your husband is being well cared for in a skilled nursing facility. Perhaps you can seek out volunteer opportunities in and around your community. Whatever activity used to bring you joy, maybe it would benefit to get back to those things that you are fond of, e.g. an animal shelter perchance always has the need for volunteerism. Certainly you will still visit your husband. Best of luck.

This is about the 3rd time I have read your reply! I must relate to it! I confess that I think death is the best thing for my husband. It is NOT him anymore. I don't know if that will help my stomach ache, but it may give me time and relief to figure the rest of my life. This might sound very callous to some, but we had both agreed to this about 20 years ago when we obtained Alzheimers insurance! Neither one of us wanted to do this to the other and become a stake in the heart to each other. Best laid plans can surely get screwed up. Thank you all for your advice and suggestions.

I'd be the last person to say self-care is 'easy' and yet I talk about how important it is ALL THE TIME.

We are all in the same boat with different paddles.

* Take small steps.
* Be aware of 'self-talk' - when you are aware of negative thinking, turn it around into a positive of some sort - and/or:
- write a gratitude list and read it

* Exercise. Move. Get the energy out.

* Be aware of needing to set boundaries and then decide what boundaries you can and need to set. Over-extending oneself will get one in that downward spiral.

* Network - use your friends / support groups (find both as needed).
- Reach out for HELP (as you are doing here, but more locally).
- Find people to go for a walk with; get out in nature.

* Find spiritual or affirmations on line, i.e. Zen, Rick Hansen, Spirit Rock, there are thousands. Get a daily reminder or uplifting message from a group that appeals to you.
- Perhaps write about it in a journal 'thought or theme of the day"
- Do a Tarot reading daily ... or at least once to see if you relate to it.

* Remember to take small steps / and acknowledge each small shift you make in (1) your thinking (which will show up in (2) your behavior.
SELF-ACKNOWLEDGMENT is vitally important.

Gena. And, I must read my own suggestions / advice. I am in this boat along my paddles might be going in a upswing direction.

I read an article about searching for a job that resonates here. It suggested sitting down and making a list of past jobs and noting at which ones you were the most happy. Then figure out what about that job or time of your life was making you happy. The advice was to seek out a similar type of job no matter what the salary or position was, the intent was that being happy was more important than money or promotion.

Maybe you could do this for your own life, when were you the most happy and what about that time made you content. Then look for volunteer opportunities that could replicate it, or joining a club or group with similar interests, or participating in help groups where you can talk and share. It sounds like you are lacking companionship and someone to share your feelings with.

I just got out of situation asking my brother for one very simple task to take my dad for his marketing and that i would continue all other tasks with my elderly parents that don't drive. He refused. So i refused. The minute i walked away and let him and my sister handle things it was like my whole life came back to me. They keep telling me i'm unstable and acting worried like i have lost my mind. People will do anything and everything to avoid responsibility especially guilt you. If you need to get away then make Arrangements- hire someone if you have to but just do it. Even if i have to go back and deal with them i feel so much better getting a break. Within three days i dropped about three pounds got my own home in somewhat order, etc. I just feel so much better and stronger. Don't drown and take a break- it is the worst thing to see and care for someone that isn't getting better but worse no matter what you do. Take a break and walk away.

oh another thing. You don't have to visit someone EVERY day. Such is life maybe once or twice a week but everyday is crazy. Especially if you are having to drive really far or sit there with them for hours on end doing nothing. No one expects that. Life goes on for the living. You have to survive mentally and physically too.

This could have been written by me except I was a caregiver for my parents, now just for my Mom.

have been caretaking for over 3 years now. Mom has been bedridden for over two years after full respiratory arrest. Her mind is intact but she cant feed herself etc.

with two parents (Dad passed last September) I literally lost myself. Due to their failing health I was at the facility nearly every day. At one point both parents were on Hospice.

I neglected my health, stopped exercising and stopped taking care of me. Between my parents and 6 Grandkids in the area when did I have time?

A couple of months ago I realized I hadn't been to the Dr in over a year and I have two AI diseases! I decided I needed to take care if me and only I could make time to do that

I hired a college student to visit with Mom 2 days a week for two hours at a time. I pay her $15.00 an hour and my Mom loves it. When Zoe goes back to college a retired nurse and soon to be empty nester will her her companion.

those two days are for me. I exercise, I sit in my pajamas until noon sometimes. I gave myself permission to let go of the guilt of not always being there. I need to be there for my Mom but I owe it to her to stay healthy.

I have two sisters and the older will come every two or three months. The younger one rarely comes and when she does she spends very minimal tome visiting my Mom. The last time she came she had two rages in my Moms room. I decided that I need a very long break from her.

tomorrow I have an appt with my primary care physician so I can start taking part of my life back. It begins with my health and dealing with my anxiety.

That is a hard one if you are alone. I live with my 84 year old mom and I am her 24/7 in home care giver. For meaning in life, well we get through the day, the week, the month, the year, for the past 13 years. My om likes the Mets so she has that for 6 months. We do a lot with food shopping and cooking. My om makes the lists and I track the cost do the shopping. She cooks. So planning the meals and the shopping keeps her busy. And just all the normal things that come up living in a house and having to take care of it, she is very involved although she cannot actually get up and fix anything. She talks to her granddaughter and grandson a lot who are in college, my older brothers kids. And she reads the news paper. And talks to her friend on the phone. She follows the news and keeps up on local and current event and basic happenings. My job is to keep her as happy as possible doing all that. Maybe the meaning of life is just to live.

You need to have a group of friends that nurture you and make sure you care for yourself. Start "gathering members for your group" from family, friends, members of faith community, local support group(s) until you have enough friends that you can contact. If you still feel overwhelmed, please consider meeting weekly with a counsellor.