My MIL stopped taking her medication. Her blood pressure shot up to very very high. She had to go to emergency room, they admitted her. She says her head was spinning and she is seeing double and other things. They had to put her on a drip to regulate her blood pressure. Of course they checked her for strokes, etc. She had to remain in intermediate care because of the drip. The next morning the Drs came in and informed us that they found no sign of strokes in the cat scan or MRI. They also said the stumbled across a blockage in a neck artery but it has nothing to do with what’s going on now and they will evaluate it later and she needs to stop smoking. However, she informed her family that she had 2 strokes and blocked arteries and can’t see well and that I’m lying ?!!! Her children already knew because I informed them at the moment but the rest of the family believe her. She has now blocked it so no one can hear her health information. My question is when is time for her to be released in the next day or two, do I have to be responsible for her? Is there a way I can make them tell inform about what’s wrong with her? How can I make the truth be known? This is crazy to me. I don’t have parents so I’ve never experienced anything like this. I don’t understand the motive and since she lives with us and I would have to be the one there 24/7 (my husband works full time) I want to be ready for whatever it is she’s trying to do. Thanks in advance
Has she been evaluated for dementia?
What's the background to all of this?
Your MIL lives with you and your husband, who works full-time.
How long ago did MIL come to live with you, and - since you say there aren't any health issues to speak of - why did she? How old is your MIL?
Why did she stop taking her medication?
Who is communicating with whom about what? Who is the "they" in "they said her only real issue etc."? Who is the rest of the family besides her children busy putting in their two cents?
In terms of the immediate situation, I personally would be d**ned if I'd take responsibility for somebody's welfare if I did not have complete medical information. Are you kidding? "You're going to have lead responsibility for this lady's care but we're not going to tell you anything about her condition."
I. Don't. Think. So.
I agree with Barb that you should block her discharge home in consultation with the hospital team until you have a lot more clarity, at least. And make sure that any conversations you have involve all of the decision-makers being in the same room at the same time. I'm trying to picture you, the attending physician and MIL in her hospital room, the physician saying there's no issue with strokes and her saying she's had two and everyone just leaving it there... This doesn't make any sense, and that leads me to think that this is essentially a communication problem.
But it could also be a battle of wills problem, going back to the medication. Was the stopping of it a cry for help, do you think? Was there, shall we say, some kind of difference of opinion prior to that?
And, of course, what is your husband's take on all this?
Who knows what else she'll say about you once you're both home?
The potential of making you the black sheep of the family and ruining your marriage is high. Don't underestimate her.
She won't be able to stop lying now. People are going to want to know what's going on with her treatment. Is she going to blame you for not getting treatment?
Blocking her medical records is a big moving in showing how far she intends to perpetrate this facade. She wants to bask in the glow of attention and concern. You know one lie leads to another, then another and so on.....
I was a little taken aback by this post because, my Mom has Arterial Stenosis in both corrotids. She's had two strokes. She'd be smoking if she could get out of bed. She can not get up because when she lifts her head, she doesn't get enough blood to the brain and passes out. She's on hospice.
So yeah, I'm a little disgusted by mil taking on this serious illness, for her selfish need for attention, when it's really killing my Mom. But that has nothing to do with you.
Mil is toxic and dangerous, I would not have her living right smack in the middle of my home and life.
Good luck, you're in for some ride if you take her home.
She’s 67 years old.
I’m usually home because I’m self employed.
She told her Dr she stopped taking her meds 4 months ago because they weren’t working.
The “theys” are her Drs that was communicating with her and I the first 2 days (she spent first day in Emergency room)
The rest of the family is her younger siblings (she’s the oldest) and their children.
The Drs checked for stokes but it came back clear. She just took that information and ran with it is my guess. I didn’t even know until Saturday when my husband cousin called and asked us about her two strokes because she told her mom(which is my mil sister) she had two stokes and couldn’t see. I was so confused because they(her regular Dr , the neurologist, the attending physician and a vascular surgeon (There to explain the neck blockage they stumbled across) plainly told us they found nothing and she was good with the exception of her blood pressure still spiking. At the time I got the calls I was asleep in the waiting room , I immediately ran to the nurses station and asked were there any changes, did she have a stroke just in case I didn’t know something happened while I was asleep. The nurse verified that there was no change and still no stroke. I told my husbands cousin that, I’m not sure why she said that but the Drs said she definitely didn’t have a stroke. That’s when I was like wow (In my thoughts) she’s spreading a lie through her family about having a stroke. So yesterday I wake up from the waiting room (I was staying at the hospital) go to the nurses station and asked how is she doing and they said we can no longer discuss her health information with anyone, she decided it’s confidential. Therefore now no one can verify anything and she can keep pretending.
My husband wants her gone. He’s so angry. He says this type of stuff is why her other children won’t bother with her. He says she try’s to manipulate them playing the victim. I can care less about all of that. I just don’t want to be drug into being in a situation where I’m essentially responsible for her. I also don’t want people believing I would lie about such a serious situation. I’ve never done anything to anyone. I’ve just got our 6 children grown and gone, I am just looking forward to a peaceful and drama free lifestyle.
I'm relieved to hear hubby's got her number. More relieved he wants her gone.
No you don't need to be responsible for her at all. Suggest she go stay with her sister until she finds her own place.
See if it's possible for her to have a psychiatric evaluation while in the hospital.
If she signs herself out and transports herself home, start eviction proceedings.
It is possible, you know, to get things wrong. Just wrong. Not lying, not manipulating, just wrong, in the ordinary way, like we all do sometimes. To misunderstand what is said to you, to get hold of the wrong end of the stick.
Best not to overreact to that, if you can help it; otherwise it all gets very emotional and counterproductive.
Did you or your husband know that your MIL had stopped taking her blood pressure medication? Has anybody asked her what changed those four months back to make her believe that it was no longer working? Did you yourselves notice any changes?
And is there by any chance a language barrier and/or cultural issue at play here?
Nicety, have you and your husband sat down with her and explained that the docs said there was no stroke?
So when you say "she has never been ill"... Could you explain what definitions of the words 'never' and 'ill' you're using, please?
Your MIL is ill. At the very least, she has serious chronic hypertension. She may or may not have other things wrong with her. If she prefers to keep her medical history private, that is her prerogative. But don't think of her as a person in robust good health who's just putting it on to get attention.
Since to a certain extent you *are* on the hook - you were the person who ended up sitting for hours on uncomfortable hospital chairs and fielding hysterical phone calls, no? - you might as well do what you can to get things under control.
I'd start by talking to the lady herself, if I were you, ideally with her doctor present; and the discharge plan is a good opportunity for it. Be there. It doesn't matter that you're not HIPAA approved for this - if MIL wants to kick you out of the room she can do so, but she probably won't, especially not if you're supportive and sympathetic.
This will also be a good time to point out that if she will not allow you to be involved, she is also preventing you from being responsible - and make sure that goes down on record.
The ultimate aim may be to get her out of your house and onto somebody else's To Do list, and none of us here would blame you for that for one second; but for now it would be helpful if somebody in the family took a rational, objective interest in finding out the facts of her situation.
* I don't blame him. I used to get apoplectic with my mother when she pulled this kind of stunt.
I think I would say that someone who had a chronic disease like high blood pressure or diabetes who had it under control with medication was not "ill". Maybe it's something people with medical training would find inexact. But, as a layman, I would not say someone was ill until they had a disease that was impacting their daily living. That is, until they acted as if they were or felt ill.
MIL stopped taking hypertension meds (for reasons we don't know).
MIL tells family that DIL is lying about her not having had a stroke.
Those two facts tell me that something may be very "off" about this lady's ability to think clearly.
Which is why I'm suggesting that she have an evaluation of her ability to manage her own health care.
We haven’t said anything to her, my husband is on the road (A trucker) she doesn’t know he’s angry, I’m thinking she doesn’t even know that her family contacted me or that the nurse informed me that she no longer wants things discussed in front of us or to us. I just go sit with her and leave when they ask..... I’ve said over and over I’m asking this question for my protection so I won’t have to be responsible for her without everyone knowing the truth. Her blood pressure is only not under control because she stopped taking her medication by choice.
She's living in your home. If she's coming BACK to your home, you and DH need to have a serious discussion with discharge planning about what her needs are. SOMETHING has changed; what that is, is unknown at this point.
Ask her doctors to call in a psych consult.
If she's coming back to your home, you need to have a clear understanding of what she needs (medication reminders, meds set up, etc) and you need to start using HER resources to fund that care. You need to set up a caregiving contract with a lawyer if YOU are going to be providing the care; alternatively, you need to use her funds to hire a home health care agency.
Or she needs to move to a facility.
My point is that if she is not trusting of you, you are going to have a heck of a time getting her to comply with what you ask her to do.
Well hopefully mil will still go home next month. I'd talk to her like that's still the plan. e.g.
" Mother, when you get home, please be diligent in taking your meds regularly. I hate to see you go through this."
At least she'll know you're expecting her to leave. Also it will open the door for her to say what her intent is. It's worth a try.
I agree mil is in good health. I don't see why you'd be expected to be responsible for her. Even the Dr said she fine.
Granted, having a baby at 15, recently loosing her husband, alienating her own children, stopped taking meds,
does shows she's got issues. But seriously, we ALL do.
I just feel you've worked hard to get to this time in your life. Enjoy it. Don't allow anyone to rob you of it.🌹
I'm so sorry you never had the opportunity to know your Mom. I read that and was speechless. I couldn't even imagine your struggles.💘
Mally you have the energy of 3 women. 4 if you are being compared to me....lol, I'm lazy!🛌💤😞
Is this behavior unusual for MIL? The lying? Have you known her to lie before? To say that you lied?!
I like the idea of asking the drs to explain to MIL that she has not had a stroke since she “misunderstood” what they said earlier.
Ask if they tested her for a UTI. Tell the doctors that her behavior is very altered if that’s the case. That she appears confused and you are concerned. They don’t have to discuss her care with you but they can hear your concerns.
You only repeated what you were told. How can you be held responsible?
I assume you thought you were passing along good news ...right?
Hypertension is known as the silent killer because people don’t always feel bad when their bp goes up. I would get her out of my house before she does have a stroke if she is going to pull stunts like this.
I would also tell her that before you take her back to your house you will need her to sign a HIPPA release and you will need to understand her health condition.
It’s ok if she’s ready to go on to her sisters. You can take her on to the airport from the hospital. It’s up to her. If she objects bring her an eviction notice to vacate your home. You can probably find the forms and instructions online for the eviction process.
She can’t have it both ways. If she lied because she’s sick then you need to know the details of her condition if she is coming back to your home.
If she is well then she needs to apologize for calling you a liar.
Once the doctor tells her no stroke then she can give a sigh of relief and let her family know that she was confused.
But really, now that you see how she can turn on you for no reason, she needs to go.