I can't not go over there indefinitely but recently I've been in such a depressed, unmotivated frame of mind that, I'm just putting it off.
Then I got 'threatened' with the old 'I'm going to have to make other arrangements and hire somebody to take me to the grocery store'
She has food but wants take out so we can eat together.
I hate the house she lives in.
No, I hate the memories it invokes when I visit. ugh.
That is a THREAT?
Really, my first response to THAT would be "Thank GOD you said something, because I was just going to say, I really cannot do this any more".
I don't understand your lack of ability to stand up for yourself at all, and I think that if it is this severe and is causing you mental health issues of depression, you honestly need to see someone to help you out of habitual ways of responding. Honestly, I often suggest to grown children that they move at LEAST 1,000 miles from parents. It truly is the best answer there is. That eliminates both the old family home and the old family.
I live in California. My DD is in Washington State. I will soon go there for a month, and for that month we will be gloriously happy. Then I will go home and she back to her real life. She and hubby come HERE for two weeks a year. It works perfectly. And I at 81 am otherwise ON MY OWN, and not enabled to become dependent on them. And they have their own lives and are not worried about my beck and call at a moment's notice.
So I am truly serious. If you don't have family, home, great job and other obligations, consider a move. If you do, I suggest limits and boundaries and keep them TIGHT.
I have learned so much from you. Thank you
How about agree with her - and say, "yes, that sounds like a good idea!" And if your old house is causing you any angst, then try to spend as little time there - rather than "take out" food, couldn't you go to a restaurant with her instead? And until she finds someone to take her grocery shopping, just take care of it online instead...do whatever you can do to take care of yourself to avoid triggers that lead to depression. I really mean that.
Wishing you all the very best ~
If she wants take out, why can't she order it herself? Being available to your mother at her whim is a choice you do not have to make, since it's causing you depression. When do YOU become as important as you consider MOTHER to be?
When my mother was alive, everything she did and said triggered me. Brought back memories I didn't want to remember. At least she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and AL prior, though, so I only had to deal with her once a week until she got to end of life when I went daily. It was hard to pay those visits, so I did so on MY terms. I suggest you do the same.
I was stressed, and my mental health was hanging by a thread. Meanwhile, he was just moving along with life acting like everything is OK. So, earlier this year, I put my foot down and stopped making the over hour drive weekly. It was hard because I love my mom and she did her best to protect us from him and took the brunt of his abuse (and still is). However, he has the means to pay for solutions. And I'm happy to help and offer support as long as he helps and puts his ego aside. Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen, but I'm meeting with an attorney this week to see what my options are if he continues to refuse solutions and care for my mom.
I hope that my long-winded response makes you feel that you're not alone. Personally, therapy helped me to get out of darkness and see clearly again after my mom's diagnosis and dad's behavior put me in a dark place that was not allowing me to think clearly and continued to enable my dad. I recently had to take a two week break from communicating with them after suffering from a panic attack while on the phone with my dad trying to resolve an issue that he didn't want to deal with. I felt bad about it, like I was abandoning my mom, and avoiding the situation. However, my therapist made me realize that that was what I needed to do for my own well-being. As others have shown, there are solutions, and as difficult as it can be, you still need to put yourself first.
My mother’s lifelong behaviors and verbal , mental and emotional abuse left multiple vulnerable triggers
I learned late to limit visits , and to visit ( with or without takeout) on my terms instead of on her demand .
Let Mom hire someone to take her shopping . When she complains she had to hire someone either go “ grey rock “ don’t answer , or tell her “ Yeah , it’s too bad but these are the things that you have to do when you are old “. If she continues to blame you or give you grief over having to hire someone …..you tell her “ Sorry mother , but I did not make you old “.
Don’t worry about pleasing her . You are not required to entertain her . She’s miserable no matter what you do or don’t do . Go to therapy . Put yourself first. You don’t owe Mom anything .
I went through a two year funk with my feelings in general. I managed to get through a brief training program and the constant job hunting on the internet. I hated it. On top of everything else, I had to sign up for Medicare and adjust to a new way of living. I look in the mirror now and I see an old person looking back at me. LOL. I have a wig I put on and feel better along with my make-up. You can't fix old.
Something or someone would say something, and I would automatically go into a depressed slump. The key for me is to learn how to not take junk personally. I know in life things will happen. Jobs are lost or you retire. People get sick. You get sick and so on.
I'm a home health aide and CNA. I was forced out of an office job when the pandemic first started. I had been on that job for twenty-nine years and some months. These bozos decided to give me my termination over a fricken Zoom meeting. I opted for retirement and the package they offered.
The first couple of years I sat in front of computer and watched a stupid news commentary everyday. I was afraid to step outside other than to go get groceries and medications because of Covid 19. Four years later, I'm still barely working at the capacity that I was before. Yes, it can be depressing at times.
My last client I had was a drunk and kept a small cooler of beer beside her beside. TVs were kept on volume seventy five. Some days when I got to work, no one was there to open the door. It was a four day case, but I was lucky if I got one or two days. The recruiter ended the case abruptly with no replacement client.
This time, instead of panicking I went shopping and picked up some items for my apartment. I went home and cleaned my apartment and it is back to the way it was before any of this mayhem happened. I hung pictures and made a floral shag for a mirror in my living room. Finally put up a bed canopy I had on the floor for over a year. I hated the bed net, so I've decided to design my own canopy cover in the same color of lace of the curtains. I ordered lace, and I may use that instead. We'll see. The bathroom and kitchen need to be maintained a little better, but the cats and I are constantly in and out of it.
I took some me time. This week I plan to look for a better agency. The one I'm with deal with a population that used drugs and alcohol, but these folks are older with other health commobidities on top of their habits.
I don't know why my father did what he did. It is a terrible story and how he treated my mother, took all the money and ran off to live with his girlfriend at the time in his early sixties.
When he died, the first words out of my mouth was good riddance. My sibs and I were just too over him at that point. He lived to ninety-three and continued to harrass and pit the kids against each other and other family members until he got too sick to continue his antics. We are all divided today due to his doing. A house divided will not stand. When my brother passed, he and my other brother weren't even on speaking terms. I never knew what that was about. It is sad.
Stay strong and faithful to your own life.
So you say "That sounds good Mom because I can't do it". Thats not arguing, thats a fact. It takes two to argue. When she starts just don't engage. Say "I am not arguing Mom, if u need to go grocery shopping its OK to find someone else to take you". If you don't want to do take out just say "not tonight Mom". She can have it dlvd. You set boundaries for you. You tell her what your willing and not willing to do. Remember, she needs you more than you need her. And because of that she needsvto except whatvyour willing to give.
Honestly, I don’t feel as if you need our help. I am not overly concerned about you.
You may be down in the dumps, which is natural for any caregiver to go through during their journey.
I can clearly see that you have answered your own question in your very first sentence.
You say that you are putting off going to your mom’s house.
Listen to that inner voice. You know what you want to do. You know what you need to do to find peace in your life.
The only thing that is left is for you to do is to follow through with what your heart, gut and soul is telling you.
You know that the world will not come to an end if you aren’t at your mother’s beck and call every time that she lays a guilt trip on you.
Sending you a big hug today. Plus, a kick in the pants to allow your mother to not depend upon you for her survival. She will be fine and so will you.
As for Mom, I went over this evening, actually tonight and took her groceries. Fixed her meds. You are right she will be fine.
I just look back to 2001, when I lost my beloved Brett to Stage 4 cancer. He was only 33 and had so much to love about life. I'll never get over it.
Then in 2010, my best GF of 32 years suffered through 2 brutal rounds of breast cancer, and ended up with glioblastoma ending her life at 56.
Those two fought HARD to survive. I cannot feel sorry for myself, it's so disrespectful to their courageous fight to live. I miss them both every day.
All of us here are damn lucky to be alive. Think about it.
I am mourning my brother's death last year. I miss his voice and knowing he was there, he was mentally ill but he was there.