What is self-care?

To me, self-care is believing you are doing enough. I quit my job to care for an aging parent, I would not change that decision, however, I am now on a mission to not do do do but to relax when I choose and give time to whatever I decide is important. For me, this is a challenge as the best-laid plans seem to be usurped easily. I am a 3-time cancer survivor and my health cannot go down in flames with the price I have paid to get it together. And yet, I stay in the game of caregiving so my loved one may stay in their home and have their choices. Self-care is anything that keeps you on the trail with a focus and a renewed joy in living each moment like it the last.

SueC1957 -- Hardly!! Self preservation is a strong motivator. Lol!!!

moecam -- Ooh! Warm lotion. I'll have to give that a try! In-laws are currently paying their own way. All their helpers get paid from their account. But you are SO RIGHT about saving NOW for our care when WE get older. Lord willing, we still have a good 20 years to keep building our nest egg. It's a hard balance between taking care of today's needs and guessing what we'll need in times to come, but we follow many of Dave Ramsey's suggestions and are currently working on building passive income streams. We used to think we were doing pretty good to prepare by paying ourselves first, avoiding debt, taking on a reasonable mortgage, etc. But, BOY!!! Were our eyes opened when we took on managing his parents!!! We're being more aggressive now that we see how incredibly expensive it is to hire helpers. The in-laws saved for this rainy day, but we are still having to be so very careful with their expenditures so their money will last as long as they do.

Farm jelly - before you take your tubby time fill the sink with hot water then squeeze out all the air in body lotion container then place in water while you soak - warm lotion is the V E R Y B E S T [& cheap] luxury after tubby time

I have a cleaning lady 2 x a month so that DH [in 70's] isn't having to pick up all my extra work - I have joined a local seniors group [I'm 68 with mom nearly 92 & dad just passed away] where I indulge myself playing bridge because MY brain needs the exercise -

With elders living so long they have seniors as caregivers with their own needs & disabilities - some have to watch every penny so can't indulge their parents' whims & wishes - even with enough money to buy treats these should be budgeted [I use $40.00 from mom's money for her 'extras']

DO NOT PAY FOR THEIR NECESSITIES they can do so or go without - you need to save some money for your own old age - why don't they have the extra money for things now ..... because for some is that they didn't save but indulged themselves while others never worked at good paying jobs but whatever the reason they shouldn't suck your resources from you when you can't afford it

Gtmerkley--when my children are in hospital is there a wonderful thing called Child Life, which provides support for the family as well as the children. I so wish they had Elder Life to help you.

FarmJelly has it ALL together! 👍🏽 👏🏽 😉

In health care, self-care is any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated.

Caring for my in-laws, six kids (ages 9 - 19). Here's my version of self-care.

How do I love ME? Let me count the ways ...

* I always get a Sunday paper. I take the puzzle page and toss the rest. It gets folded just-so and stays with a pencil on a clipboard by my bathtub where ...
* I take a long hot bath every night. Usually with bubbles. My husband brings me ice water. I text him for refills. No little people allowed near the door. The dog sleeps on my towel beside the tub. I work on the Sunday puzzles.
* Pedicures. Regularly. I stop at the store for another crossword and a fountain Coke, and I don't leave the massage chair while I dry (unless they are busy).
* Massages. Regularly. I have a standing appt. She gives me hugs and tells me to breathe deeply and relax. I try not to snore.
* On the way home from the massage, I stop at the taco truck. Because TACOS!!
* I buy myself flowers at the grocery store. Regularly.
* I hired TWO drivers for my MIL. Because MILs aren't always nice, and I don't need the extra crazy.
* I keep a bag of 'the good ice' from the ice house in the freezer. It's mine. I will share, but you may not take.
* ^^^ Same with my chocolate/cookie stash.
* I hired a housekeeper. She comes every week. It is heavenly.
* I take walks with my loyal pup around a local lake.
* I play happy music while I'm working around the house.
* I listen to interesting podcasts.
* I tutor. Regularly. I love the interaction with big people (high schoolers). It gives me a chance to use my BRAIN. And it pays for all the ME LOVE listed above. 😜

No I find no time for self care two dementia patchents no one Will relive me except Sunday and the two caregivers that takes my place on Sunday so I can sleep, each take an 8 hour shift one is quitting he says he can't take it for 8 hours a week I do 84 , so I will be losing my day off hospice only gives you two hours for doctors appointments, live to far away to get there aand back. so no self care. Wish hospice nurses and doctors had something for the caregivers. Where they would give medical help check ups, even if we paid for it with our private insurance.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to just not get overly involved to the point you neglect yourself. I dealt with two elderly people but I knew enough to not let myself get overly involved to the point I neglected myself. You must draw that line in the sand very early on, set some boundaries and actually enforce them. If you ever wonder how to do that, just watch some paramedics who deal with frequent fliers, meaning those who frequent the squad and ER by abusing the system. Watch how they set firm boundaries and listen carefully as well as Watch every detail. Pay close attention, they're examples for the rest of us who need to learn to set boundaries and enforce them. You need to be strong just like a public servant, just watch them for examples and watch how strong they are sometime. In fact, if you know one, get to know them well and learn from them, they can teach us a lot without us knowing it

 One thing I recall from one elderly friend is he thought I was supposed to live with him when really I had my own home, a lease and was paying rent under section 8. I'm not about the screw that up only to have something happen and maybe render homeless and lose everything I have. I have some very good stuff and I'm not about to wreck my own home life just to move in with someone else, it's just not worth it

Someone here spoke on arthritis. I strongly agree sometimes you have days or even just short spans of time where there's not much pain if at all and you can do more only to pay for it later. I have low back arthritis and I know exactly what you're talking about, and so does a good friend of mine who also experiences a very similar issue. It's always good to stay within your limits but I in particular discovered one little known secret I don't know how many people actually know. Cut back on the caffeine and alcohol and drink more whole milk. Your blender is also your friend, make dairy-based smoothies, veggie based juice as well as fruit juice. In fact, you know that cranberry sauce people normally don't eat much of around the holidays? Well, there's a recipe for that! You can put it into the blender and put cranberry juice in the flavor of your choice in with it and any other juice of your choice and just blend it into a delicious frothy drink. I've got one in the blender right now and I drink a glass of it coming back from the bathroom. The blender is right in my path to the bathroom, so I just go ahead and grab a glass on my way back. A proper diet is actually key to helping your body and managing arthritis. Some of those days when the pain is the worst, your body is actually attacking those weak areas that are already very painful if your body is lacking what it needs to repair itself. Yes, your body will eventually attack itself and some of those painful areas will be coming even more painful and you'll start having other problems if you're deficient in any necessary nutrients

Another thing me and my one good friend do is keep a seat in the kitchen when you must work in there. Some of your work can be done sitting down. When I had to clean the turkey skeleton off, I had a seat at the table and it was so much easier to do longer tasks by just simply sitting down. When I'm cooking in my own kitchen and I'm not over at my friends house, I bring my favorite portable seat with me and just flop down on it, because I can't be on my feet long either without low back pain. I figure if I'm going to have to sit down and do some of my work, it may as well be a comfortable seat and I may as well be comfortable doing it. I can use this same portable see folding and putting away my clean laundry. When I visited the laundromat though, I had to go at a time when it wasn't busy and work at a table where there was a seat right there so I can fold my laundry as I pulled it out of the dryer while sitting down at that particular table. I know what it is to have to sit down, me, too!

So sorry, I though the question was for me--not MM.

No where near. Due to arthitis in her spine (and a bit elsewhere) my mother needs some help dressing and bathing, and with some of the housework. Also she can't stand long her her feet to cook, etc, but does a lot of prep work at the table. She still drives familiar routes in daylight. Most of the time she can walk without too much pain. However, on top of helping her, I have 2 special needs children, one of who is at college, but requires a lot of monitoring and support, inc. being driven home once a month for a med checks, and my driving out to take her to doctors near her college. And of course, it's nearly impossible to coordinate those visits. As she is continuing to make process and need less help, and it is vitally important she be able to earn her own living one day, it is more than worth this effort.

MM, if you're that low on energy, is it time to stop the in home caregiving? Just asking; my own energy level isn't that great, but I care for 6 indoor cats, a dog, 2 horses (in the snow/cold), and a messy younger husband. I'm pretty worn out, but I love them all, so I get it, but there comes a time....

Thank you all, this has given me a lot of food for thought. Money is very tight, and it is very rare that I have a coffee break (we get 2 15 mins) or a lunch hour where I am not on the phone making doctors' apts and dealing with insurance. I am going to start small with 2 things. When I am driving my 18 year old to PT, etc. I am going to give her the choice of listen to her music with ear phones or suck it up and listen to my book on tape. We have hundreds here at the library I have cataloged and thought, I'd love to listen to this. And after I put my drops in for glaucoma I am supposed to lie on my back for five minutes with my eyes closed--meditation time. Let's see where I go from there.

Oh, oddly enough I find organizing and purging other peoples' things very relaxing. I go once a week to a friends apartment as she is pretty much knocked out by fibra maligia (no idea how to spell it) and clean for her. She has been trying to de-clutter and organize since she moved in 8 months ago. I'll try to stay 1/2 longer each time and work on that. I don't really like the MarKondo method as such things as my toilet brush do not bring me joy; however, her system of doing all of one sort of a thing at a time is brilliant.

While I'm lucky I have siblings and a niece to give me breaks, their visits cause their own stresses. One keeps yelling, "Just go!" Well, there's no where to "go" in this city and even if there were I have no energy. I have two young dogs so I try to take them to the dog park-- when I have the energy but usually when I don't. Luckily, my bedroom is my sanctuary. More often than not I just crash on the bed and rest and read and watch what I want on the small TV.

I've also read that caregivers can get very ill from all the stress and yes - even die before the ones they are taking care of. I often joke (tongue-in-cheek) that my mom is going to outlive me! She's 91 and I'm 57. But she has nothing wrong with her except for a thyroid issue. Her blood work is perfect. Mine on the other hand was showing signs of high cholesterol, high triglycerides, & blood sugar! I was freaking out! I lost some weight - and tried to eat even healthier and this year everything was normal. Keep your doctor appointments and check ups and dentist appointments. Whatever feeds your soul do it as often as you can. Go outside, meditate, yoga, bowling, movies, card games, lunch with friends - even joining this site has brought me a lot of relief. I happen to LOVE pedicures and that is my special time - you have to sit there and relax! Also a walk at the dog park - being outside and a trip to one of the local wineries always puts a smile on my face! :)

To me self care is doing all the basics for yourself from eating properly, getting enough sleep, any grooming you’d do if you weren’t consumed with caregiving.
Then do things that benefit you psychologically. For each person that’s something different. I could not care less about ‘spa days’ or ‘fine dining’ but I have my own indulgences that do allow me to forget my parents for hours on end. The only way I relax is to forget them for a while. I enjoy time with others in my own family too. No talking about my parents is allowed.

I’m considering seeing a therapist too. My feelings have gotten very confusing to me.

Hmmmm..self care, would check into a motel for
8/10 hours of peace and quiet and sleep. I was so looking
forward to sleep apnea test but had to delay because of
difficulty finding side to come in and out dh to bed.

START WITH ONE MINUTE.
Sit. Relax your body.
Imagine something beautiful and calming to you.
30 seconds: read one paragraph from a book, a passage from a Bible or some Buddhist wisdom. Direct your mind for the day by reading something inspiring.


I make a very healthy bullet drink. Let me know if you want the list of ingredients.
I jog (at age 66), although slow going + stretch.
I learned 50 years ago people make or find time when people want to for whatever is important to us.
We are making choices each moment every day - 1,000s of them.
It 'helps' when we consider that we can give to others (energy, focus) when we give that to our self, first. We cannot run on empty; that does not serve anyone for the longer haul.
Re-newing our self IS caregiving to another.
"Mostly" women have been conditioned/taught to put others' needs before our own, to the point, we do not know what our needs are (self-care). Somehow, it is a gift to end up caregiving 'somehow' to learn how to care for our self, first.

I was lucky in several ways.
My husband was very compliant and the fact that he was non verbal I did not have to deal with the questions all the time. (I also had no conversation, no way to know what he wanted)
I was also lucky that I was able to hire caregivers through a program that the VA has.
The caregivers a few hours several days a week let me get out and do shopping. I also started to volunteer with the Hospice that helped care for my Husband. (It was unusual that they had a volunteer that had a loved one on service at the same time) But I got socialization that I needed. I was also able to go to Support Groups and that helped me develop a circle of friends that were also going through the same things I was.
I also got on my Treadmill every day. At least I got a bit of exercise in and since it was here in the house I could hear if my Husband made any noises.

Self care for you might be different.
Make a cup of tea but make it a calming experience for you.
Sit and devote 1 hour at some point to read a book.
Anything that you might find relaxing.
One other thing that you need to learn is DELEGATE.
When someone calls or visits and asks.."What can I do to help?"
Walk over to your refrigerator where you will now keep a list of things to do.
Tell your friend..
I need a few things from the store next time you go can you pick these things up for me.
I have a Dr. appointment next Tuesday do you think you could watch "Stan" for a little while, I know you two always played card he would love a visit.
When the "kids" come by have a list of projects and say next Saturday could you come over and do a few of these things, I will order a pizza and we can visit.
Find out if your Church or other place of worship (if you have one) has a group that will volunteer to sit with your Loved One one evening so you can get to a movie, or go out to dinner with a friend.
There are some areas that have a Volunteer organization that will have people that will sit for a while or drive you to an appointment or to the store. Check with the Senior Center in your area.
Bottom line is when you are relaxed, calm and caring for yourself you can be a better care giver, a better wife, mother, daughter or son than if you are a stressed caregiver.
We all want to keep our Loved One at home so they can get "the best care" but sometimes the cost of this is too great. Caregiver burnout, death of the care giver are all reality. There is a reason Facilities have staff round the clock. Because no one can care for someone 24/7 and do it day after day and not break. Often once your LO is placed you can become a better caregiver by focusing on the important things and being more relaxed and calm. It is not admitting "failure" it is admitting that you are human.

I chuckled grimly when I read Meallen's point about self-care going beyond eating and bathing, towards more exotic treats like washing your hair or reading a book perhaps...

The thing is, yes self-care *should* mean more than the very basics: more like, as Golden puts it so nicely, "doing something good for you" once a day or so.

I'm thinking of the inverse: that you know that if you're not bathing, dressing, eating and so on but are roaming round the house like Lady Macbeth, hollow-eyed and wringing your hands, things are definitely out of control.

Like they did the first week my mother was back home after post-stroke rehab. I'm almost looking back and - no, not laughing.

Golden 23, your comment has ruined my day. I can't stand the thought of my MIL living to 105! My husband is 73. His mother is 98. If she lives to be 105, he won't make it to 80. She is in a nursing home 10 minutes away. He thinks he should go see her every day because she is miserable and unhappy there. She has been there a year and a half and he has not missed many days. He has high blood pressure and I think the situation with her is to blame. He walks in and she starts telling him everything that's wrong. He has never had any health problems before this. Before she went to NH we were traveling and enjoying life even thought I shared responsibility of caring for my mother with my two sisters. His mom was living at home independently until she broke her hip, but now he seems to think he has to be around for her all the time. She's is in a nice facility and receives excellent care. I am trying to support his efforts, but I think he is taking it too far so I am backing off from going with him to see her so often. Hoping he will soon realize that he is not getting any younger. He has a brother who goes by every day also. Thinking of booking a cruise and telling him he can go or not!

When I was caring for my bedridden mom 24/7 in my home for nearly 2 years, I couldn't get away much. I even went blind in one eye from a spontaneous retinal detachment that was repaired during this time. I would get up very early in the morning before I began the daily routine in order to get some quiet "me time" with a cup of coffee and a good book once I could read again, or the computer. If I could get away for a little bit I would get interesting books from the library for my free time. I used up several of those adult coloring books. Being on Ageing Care kept me sane and knowing I was not alone. Little things, a good cup of coffee, short walks, watching the sun rise, stars at night, a shower with nice bath gel....all these little things do add up and kept me going. Little things you do for yourself really add up.

I was told "self-care" is remembering to take care of you - it doesn't necessarily mean a pedicure, a movie - - it starts with trying to eat right and remembering vitamins, etc.

For many it is a little quiet time. For a few, it's the freedom to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs. A cup of coffee at the right time is "self-care."

And yes, sometimes it's a cookie. Or a bowl of ice cream. It's just something you can do for yourself that will give you some mental relief.

WOw! 40% is super high number.

My goodness, yes, bother with it! Self care is essential and, as others have pointed out, need not cost much if anything, nor take much time. Practice doing little things that build you up that are just for you! Light a scented candle, listen to your favourite music, have a special cup of coffee, tea or cocoa. I walk early in the mornings (around the house because of the weather), and add in a few exercises. Don't put it off. I am 80 now and my mother is 105. She is in an NH, but there still is work dealing with business and stuff that happens. If I put off caring for myself till this is over, I may never do it. Remember that 40% of caregivers die before the one they care for. Caregiving is very stressful!

For me, it's was creating a little haven inside my own home. My hubby and I are having some marital problems, and I just couldn't bring myself to crawl into a bed with a man I am considering leaving---plus I have an elderly mother who requires a measure of my care (she doesn't live here) AND I have 14 grandkids with whom I spend as much time as possible.

This bedroom is my quiet little place of solitude. I read, sleep, meditate, pray...just decompress. It has saved my life.

It didn't cost me a dime.

My exercise and sitting out in the sun cost me nothing, either.

I also go to movies alone. Go to the Dollar showing of whatever DH doesn't want to see. Few friends, but that's OK.

The only real expense I have is my therapist. She's 100% worth it.

The current AgingCare newsletter has linked a couple of good articles about this, I'll link them in case you don't subscribe.

www.agingcare.com/articles/where-to-find-respite-resources-121364.htm

www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-new-years-resolutions-143643.htm

I think self-care is doing something that helps recharge your battery, replenish some of the energy we are drained of, and helps keep us going on this long journey of caregiving. For me, when I close my eyes to sleep I try to stop thinking about all the "to do's" that await me in the morning that stress me out and instead picture myself somewhere quiet and serene. Other times when running errands I get coffee and a magazine and sit in a coffee shop browsing it for a while. Caregiving really is a lot of giving our time, energy, thought and effort so whatever we can do restore ourselves will help give us strength to continue on this path.

I was lucky, when mom lived with me we got two days of homecare a week so I was able to get completely away. Mom also slept after breakfast so I used that time to get out of the house for some exercise, I actually went from couch potato to able to run a 5K, but it took me a few years. Self care is so important if we don't want to burn out, we are often reminded that we need to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help anyone else, sadly my days away and exercise were still not enough and I went down in flames earlier this year :(

I hear you meallen. I think it does feel foreign to caregivers to think about what to do for oneself. Our minds are always occupied and we just feel like self care is another thing on the to do list. It does take some practice. 5 minutes and it doesn't have to cost a thing. I am learning to just sit in my chair and doing some deep breathing in and out. And like you, being on this site is a bit of a break. It centers me to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings.