I’m only a few months into caretaking for my mother (79) & father (82). They have been caring for a woman from their church (93) for the last 15 years. I have the DPOA for my parents and they recently had me moved to co-trustee for their financial affairs. They retain DPOA for the woman they have been caring for and are co-trustees for her. All of them were living thousands of miles away from any friends or family until a couple of months ago when I moved my parents to a home on my property. The woman they care for (“Kay”) is still in a SNF and, due to a recent fall, cannot be moved anytime soon.
My parents seemed to be doing fine in their home until about a year ago when bills piled up and the mortgage went unpaid. They didn’t ask for help and were “not ready” to make a move. However, my brothers and I have been suggesting a move closer to one of us for the last few years. Unfortunately, they arrived at a “must move” situation and were not able to have as much say in the outcome because they put off making any decision for themselves. So, they are currently in a much safer situation and no longer have to worry about bills going unpaid or being alone if one of them is hurt or ill. Dad was diagnosed with dementia. He is in an early stage. I am scrambling to get him the services he needs and a routine that will work for his continued care in his new home.
On top of getting my parents settled, I’m concerned for Kay. She is in great shape financially so that is not a worry. I’m concerned that as my parents age, they won’t be able to make sound decisions for her. (Mostly medical because they have set up her finances to be taken care of by her bank & Financial Adviser). I have no clue what to do about that. For now, what is the best way to keep updated on her? I can’t imagine that the staff at the SNF has time to keep families updated on a regular basis but I also don’t want to drive them crazy with too many phone calls. Right now, they would only speak to my mother or father concerning her care. But, at some point, I will assume that role.
I guess I’m asking if anyone has tips or suggestions of how best to communicate with the SNF. Should I expect some sort of update from them? I just don’t have any experience with dealing with these places yet.
Thanks for the clarification.
Kay is competent, lives full time in a SNF/NH, has an in-town contact, your mom is still competent to act as her POA and can contact the SNF/NH for a plan for care meetings.
If there were important papers to sign, then those could always be done by e-document, or some other electronic system. The bank/advisor who handles her finances should be able to help you with that if it ever becomes necessary.
Perhaps it would be helpful if you, mom and the brothers had some sort of cut off where you each, in turn, would pass along the POA responsibility to the next person listed?
Might be age? Might be health? Might be because of life events?
In moms case (as an example) she now has her husband to take care of, not that she isn’t competent to act as POA just that she has had a life changing event or two recently, as have you.
If I were you, I would read both the SNF/NH contract and the DPOA and ask questions of Kay’s elder care or trust attorney to make sure you and mom are up to date on all the terms and conditions.
I would not move Kay if that were in the works. You would lose more than you would gain IMHO and just as important, so would Kay. I am assuming here that she is older than your parents?
Good luck with it all.
I agree. Moving Kay is just not a good idea. She is in the SNF she helped to choose and it is located very close to her local contact so visits are more frequent. She calls my parents daily. It is working for now.
I’ll make sure to be as up to date on the SNF contract info and the DPOA terms and conditions. I didn’t realize that a POA could become “stale” (outdated) according to some financial institutions so they’ve all been updated just in case. I hadn’t a clue how much paperwork there was going to be when I started helping my parents last year.
Thanks, again, for your help.
If your mom is no longer able to be the POA, then she should resign and let you take over since that was Kay’s request. You could hire someone to visit Kay and keep an eye on things and ask the facility to do care meetings over the phone. If your mom doesn’t want to give up the POA then your issue is with mom, not the facility. I suppose you could call the administrator or the DON and ask how they communicate health status with others who are long distance POAs. Would mom give her consent for you to sit in on the meetings?
If your mom unable to make decisions? The access to Kay is through your mom from what you have explained.
While I’m not at the point where I think my mom needs to relinquish her POA right now, you have all given me a lot to think about going forward. It will be much better for all of us to have everything set before something does happen. Currently, I’m next in line for Kay’s POA. She had these documents initially written up years ago. I agreed at the time but I have not fully considered the difficulty with being long distance. I assumed I’d make the trip periodically and whenever she needed someone there but it could be much more complicated than that and she may need much more than that. Lots to consider.
Again, you cannot communicate with the SNF. They cannot update you. You have nothing to do with this woman and will not have whether your parents are competent or incompetent. If the latter this woman needs someone assigned to their care.
Best now actually for you and your parents to come to the conclusion now to see an elder law attorney and to do the resignation letter informing the woman, her family, and her facility.
I see my mom struggling with worry over Kay. Just thought I may be able to help her with guidance on how to go about getting her questions answered. I have unnecessarily complicated my initial question with too many details. I do appreciate you being willing to help.
My biggest concern right now is just how to keep communication going with her caregivers at the SNF. We can check in with her but, often, she doesn’t answer her cellphone and, even more often, doesn’t always tell the truth about her condition. I will say that when we have called, the staff at the SNF has been really helpful. They were also great when we have visited her.
If Kay's PoA can no longer function, and she can't assign a new one then she may have to become someone's ward -- usually it's the county/state. If I were in your shoes I'd talk to Kay's facility admin to see if they are able to assume guardianship (rather than the county). If she's in a good facility this should solve everyone's problem and I would start doing this right away. You'll have your hands full with your own parents.