My 85 year old mother has some dementia and she leaves nasty messages on your answer machine she does not get her way. I am a caregiver to my husband who has Parkinson's disease, severe to moderate dementia, suffered several strokes, diabetes and other health issues. I have to assist him in bathing, going to the bathroom and other daily tasks. He has fallen several times and broken bones, so he is a fall risk. My mother who lives in an independent senior apartment who me and my siblings pay for an inhome care aid to come 7 days week to help her. My mother is so jealous of me taking care of my husband and when I have inlaws coming to visit. She says I was stupid to take care of my husband and not doing anything else in my life. I was fortunate to retire from the Federal Government after 39+ years. I enjoy being at home because before I retired I did not have a break (always worked more than 40 hours a week).
I was married before to a physical and verbally abusive man whom I divorce after 12 years of marriage. I did not realize what a relief it was to be out of that situation. Now, I am content with just taking care of my second husband with the help of my son. When my mother is verbal abusive to me it brings back memories of the fights I had with my first abusive husband. My question is what is the difference tolerating a verbally abusive mother and a verbally abusive husband? I left my first husband and never looked back. Should I do the same with my abusive mother?
If she doesn't stop, give her 1 warning, mom we discussed this, if you abuse me one more time, I am done. This is your 1st and last warning. Then change your number, block her calls and stop your financial assistance. She is being rewarded for unacceptable behavior and she needs to be able to feel the consequences of her actions.
Stay strong and follow through!
Depression, extreme negativity and loss of inhibition were marked features of my mother's vascular dementia, is the reason I ask. This is a parallel issue to the question of how tolerant you should make yourself be of verbal abuse; but if it's actually a symptom of disease I don't think you'll want to solve it by walking away.
There are of course key differences between your relationship with your husband and that with your mother; the main one being that you are totally in control of the off switch when it comes to your mother. I congratulate you on your escape, though; which also gives me confidence that you know where to draw lines.
In my experience, my ex was verbally abusive me to make me feel small, less than him as a means of controlling the marriage and me.
Speaking as the daughter of a very difficult woman, Mom was very abusive when I was a child and as I got older we have had our issues. At this point due to her state of mind I believe it's beyond her control. I've come to think of her as a child ( at this point perhaps the mentality of a 4 year old at times) and when children say hurtful things we give them a pass. Granted it cuts to the quick (and my sympathies go out to you) but most of us can't even fathom walking away the way we might with an abusive spouse.
For me, when Mom becomes aggressive I manage it the way I would with a toddler. She gets a time out although she doesn't know it. The time out is me stepping away from the situation, regrouping, then getting back to business. For years my mom only got nasty when there was no one around to bear witness so there were years when I made a point of limiting my time alone with her. Now I find that reminding her that her behavior is unkind is a way for me to cope. Granted it sounds condescending, and frankly it is but it seems to get the job done. Good luck to you, you've got a lot on your plate!
Thanks again for the support.
Tell family you need a break. No one has to hear obsenities and or screaming on their phone. Doesnt matter who is doing it. You dont need ptsd on top of everything else. That is abuse and you dont accept abuse from anyone. FULL STOP.
I had to go no contact with my mom & sibling. They learned. Still have to do it from time to time. They try to go back to negative abuse patterns when I was young.
If your mom is smart enough to remember details about your life, she will soon learn what no contact means. Give her 1 warning. When she does it again there will be no satisfaction for her. No daughter to guilt trip. Phone blocked. No one to answer the phone or visit. She will learn. It might take a while but she will get it. You have to set boundries and mean it. Dont feel guilty bc you wont accept abuse. Family doesnt mean you have to accept it.
Is mom not able to pay for assistance on her own? Why do the children pay for it? As her dementia progresses, she'll have to move to AL or MC. Some assistance is built into the cost, additional assistance will cost more. Is she going to be able to pay for this? As someone else noted, NH is NOT what mom needs. That is for those who require specialized nursing care that AL and MC will not provide. She is nowhere near needing that and it would likely make her even more cantankerous!!!
As for her behavior, whether it is long-standing or new due to dementia, you have choices to make:
1. If her voice messages begin with nastiness, delete it without listening to the whole message.
2. Don't discuss care for your husband or in-laws visiting. She doesn't need to know and can't complain about what she doesn't know! If she brings them up, tell her you haven't seen in-laws in months or years, and hubby is doing fine. End of discussion!
3. If she calls and starts being nasty, stop her and tell her if she continues, conversation is over, then hang up if she continues. Do not answer if she calls again, and if need be take the phone off the hook (cell phone, turn off sound, or "dismiss" call and let it go to voice mail.)
4. If she is nasty when you visit, bring someone else along. Sometimes having another person inhibits this. If not, tell her to be nice or you will leave. If she continues, leave. Someone else mentioned this and I have seen my mom behave much differently when "others" are around (have to keep up pretenses so the others are not aware of the dirty laundry!!)
5. If this is new behavior, it isn't easy but let the nasty comments roll off your back. YOU know what you do for her and YOU know her comments are unwarranted. Yes, it can be hurtful, but if you just chalk it up to dementia and let it slide, don't take it to heart, it'll get better and easier over time.
6. If this is old behavior, you can still try to let it slide. Before our mother developed dementia I finally told her one time that it hurt that she called me a freak when growing up. I know she had told me how her sisters had called her that. Her response? I don't remember that. Sure you don't, because it didn't hurt YOU! Some people have no idea how much they hurt you by things they say and do!
7. Attempt to change the discussion (refocus, redirect.) This does sometimes work with those who have dementia. If not, then make your excuses and leave.
8. Bring some little "treat" along, whether food/beverage item, special book, etc, that you know she likes. Focus is then on her and takes it off whatever she thinks is wrong/bad.
Although those with dementia often don't learn, repetition can sometimes work. If you draw that line with her (stop or I will leave/hangup) and follow through, it might eventually leave an impression. Someone mentioned it took about 3 months for their attempts to work! Final option is to reduce the number and length of visits. Stay STRONG!
Key take aways: Don't believe or dwell on her nasty comments and learn to walk away if she won't stop!
Does she treat your siblings the same? What are their thoughts?
Could you talk to her psychiatrist?
How is this affecting your relationship with your husband & son?
.
Your mom is 85 y/o - positive change is limited; if anything she’s going to get worse. Compile any other questions and any necessary information and come up with a plan. Get as many family, friends, aging care (!), your health care team in your corner.
Some thoughts: you probably have PTSD from your childhood & 1st marriage. What’s going on now is surely triggering you. Not fair. You should be enjoying your retirement while taking care of a very ill spouse. I’m very proud of you recognizing the abuse and deciding you’re not doing it anymore. You have a lot of strength and resilience.
In coming up with a plan I would suggest the following:
I like the suggestions from our other friends in giving your mom an explanation about her being consistently unkind to you and a warning and following through. The follow through is the most important & will likely be the hardest thing you do for YOU. Begin to gradually withdraw now.. Limit visits to once a week while implementing your plan. Let the siblings know. Discuss with them the current financial arrangement. You’ll probably have to make some adjustments implementing your plan. That’s ok. As long as you’re moving forward that’s a good thing. Stay firm, positive, and loving towards yourself.
You're obviously a very kind and loving woman however there comes a time (now) where your wellbeing comes first. You deserve some peace and quiet. The constant emotional triggering is not good for you physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Use the time you would have been interacting with your Mom and you do you. Bath, movie, a concert, craft, & your husband. I took up knitting 3 years ago and it’s my passion. Research shows that knitting or any repetitive craft boosts the neuroplasticty in your brain as well as increasing the quality of the neurons you’re constantly producing. Research also shows that any craft helps with healing trauma and most mental health issues.
I knew from the first 1-3 words my parents said on the phone if I could have a conversation (alcoholics). You can probably tell from the first 1-3 words in a voicemail what kind of message it is. Delete immediately- you don’t have to listen. You can block her number. Let the facility know what you’re doing. They deserve to know. We don’t know what their level of involvement will be however they’ve got plenty of experience with this!
Good luck! I’m in your corner.
I have had to tell Mother on more than one occasion that I'm taking a time out because I don't think we are being nice.