My 85 year old mother has some dementia and she leaves nasty messages on your answer machine she does not get her way. I am a caregiver to my husband who has Parkinson's disease, severe to moderate dementia, suffered several strokes, diabetes and other health issues. I have to assist him in bathing, going to the bathroom and other daily tasks. He has fallen several times and broken bones, so he is a fall risk. My mother who lives in an independent senior apartment who me and my siblings pay for an inhome care aid to come 7 days week to help her. My mother is so jealous of me taking care of my husband and when I have inlaws coming to visit. She says I was stupid to take care of my husband and not doing anything else in my life. I was fortunate to retire from the Federal Government after 39+ years. I enjoy being at home because before I retired I did not have a break (always worked more than 40 hours a week).
I was married before to a physical and verbally abusive man whom I divorce after 12 years of marriage. I did not realize what a relief it was to be out of that situation. Now, I am content with just taking care of my second husband with the help of my son. When my mother is verbal abusive to me it brings back memories of the fights I had with my first abusive husband. My question is what is the difference tolerating a verbally abusive mother and a verbally abusive husband? I left my first husband and never looked back. Should I do the same with my abusive mother?
I'm also proud of your wonderful, loving care of a spouse with Parkinson's disease! My mom had Parkinson's and I know what her needs were as her illness worsened. Please remember that your priority really is your husband. I'm glad you have a son who is supportive. It sounds like you did a good job in raising him.
I don't have a lot of insight into your problem with your mom; however, I do agree with a number of statements that others made regarding setting boundaries and letting the facility where she stays know your difficulties with her responses toward you. Letting them know how it affects you is important. They've seen it all, I'm sure! Your support of her may become only a financial one, and I think that's fine. You have more than enough to do for your beloved husband. Let your siblings know this too. I'm sure they have felt your mom's wrath and abuse as much as (and maybe even more than) you have. It's funny how abusive people can pick whom they want to hurt and how much they want to hurt them.
Talking to your mom's care team, her doctors, etc., will at least give you some deeper understanding of her needs and how and if you can help her.
(These are my "unprofessional" thoughts, because you are worthy of being loved and helped.) The only more wonderful blessing I can give you is my prayers for you, your husband, your family, your mom's care, and for the support people around you and your mom.
Think. If you had a camera in her place for one day, it might illuminate the situation. With my Mom, she was falling and picking through the food in her house..throwing underwear away..other..and she let strange (scary) people into her house..in fact, other residents at the complex just walked in her apartment! One of them looked like a mafia hitman. We moved her two years ago this month. Thank God she is safe and cared for every day. We can go back to having a relationship as her children as best we can. Sadly, she never remembers us visiting, but still knows us.
Does she treat your siblings the same? What are their thoughts?
Could you talk to her psychiatrist?
How is this affecting your relationship with your husband & son?
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Your mom is 85 y/o - positive change is limited; if anything she’s going to get worse. Compile any other questions and any necessary information and come up with a plan. Get as many family, friends, aging care (!), your health care team in your corner.
Some thoughts: you probably have PTSD from your childhood & 1st marriage. What’s going on now is surely triggering you. Not fair. You should be enjoying your retirement while taking care of a very ill spouse. I’m very proud of you recognizing the abuse and deciding you’re not doing it anymore. You have a lot of strength and resilience.
In coming up with a plan I would suggest the following:
I like the suggestions from our other friends in giving your mom an explanation about her being consistently unkind to you and a warning and following through. The follow through is the most important & will likely be the hardest thing you do for YOU. Begin to gradually withdraw now.. Limit visits to once a week while implementing your plan. Let the siblings know. Discuss with them the current financial arrangement. You’ll probably have to make some adjustments implementing your plan. That’s ok. As long as you’re moving forward that’s a good thing. Stay firm, positive, and loving towards yourself.
You're obviously a very kind and loving woman however there comes a time (now) where your wellbeing comes first. You deserve some peace and quiet. The constant emotional triggering is not good for you physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Use the time you would have been interacting with your Mom and you do you. Bath, movie, a concert, craft, & your husband. I took up knitting 3 years ago and it’s my passion. Research shows that knitting or any repetitive craft boosts the neuroplasticty in your brain as well as increasing the quality of the neurons you’re constantly producing. Research also shows that any craft helps with healing trauma and most mental health issues.
I knew from the first 1-3 words my parents said on the phone if I could have a conversation (alcoholics). You can probably tell from the first 1-3 words in a voicemail what kind of message it is. Delete immediately- you don’t have to listen. You can block her number. Let the facility know what you’re doing. They deserve to know. We don’t know what their level of involvement will be however they’ve got plenty of experience with this!
Good luck! I’m in your corner.
In my experience, my ex was verbally abusive me to make me feel small, less than him as a means of controlling the marriage and me.
Speaking as the daughter of a very difficult woman, Mom was very abusive when I was a child and as I got older we have had our issues. At this point due to her state of mind I believe it's beyond her control. I've come to think of her as a child ( at this point perhaps the mentality of a 4 year old at times) and when children say hurtful things we give them a pass. Granted it cuts to the quick (and my sympathies go out to you) but most of us can't even fathom walking away the way we might with an abusive spouse.
For me, when Mom becomes aggressive I manage it the way I would with a toddler. She gets a time out although she doesn't know it. The time out is me stepping away from the situation, regrouping, then getting back to business. For years my mom only got nasty when there was no one around to bear witness so there were years when I made a point of limiting my time alone with her. Now I find that reminding her that her behavior is unkind is a way for me to cope. Granted it sounds condescending, and frankly it is but it seems to get the job done. Good luck to you, you've got a lot on your plate!
Thanks again for the support.
Depression, extreme negativity and loss of inhibition were marked features of my mother's vascular dementia, is the reason I ask. This is a parallel issue to the question of how tolerant you should make yourself be of verbal abuse; but if it's actually a symptom of disease I don't think you'll want to solve it by walking away.
There are of course key differences between your relationship with your husband and that with your mother; the main one being that you are totally in control of the off switch when it comes to your mother. I congratulate you on your escape, though; which also gives me confidence that you know where to draw lines.
If she doesn't stop, give her 1 warning, mom we discussed this, if you abuse me one more time, I am done. This is your 1st and last warning. Then change your number, block her calls and stop your financial assistance. She is being rewarded for unacceptable behavior and she needs to be able to feel the consequences of her actions.
Stay strong and follow through!