I’m not sure how insulting a question this is and I’m not sure how to ask it.
My best friend is 38 and he has injured both legs in the last couple of weeks by falling through his deck (two separate incidents). We were talking and he is pissed off because he has to ask people for help, he hates doing it and both of us were talking about how when a temporary (hopefully) mobility issue occurs, you really dial it back and reduce your life to clean clothes, food, clean you and tolerable living conditions.
I injured a leg a couple of years ago and am still only at 80%. I asked my friends for minimal help and had a list ready when they showed up. “I may be pointing and grunting, but consider everything thing I say to start with please and thank you.” I didn’t hate to do it, but I like to think I more than reciprocate. I also knew if I couldn’t do something, I’d have to pay for it to be done.
My question is my 82 year old mother. What is the potential thought process that makes her no longer have the desire to be self sufficient and/or independent? What happens as we get older where we stop “hating” having to inconvenience people?
Mom worked from age 19-63. There was time off to raise a couple of kids (that’s what women did back then).
BUT, from the time I was 4 ish and she was back to working full time, she hired out as much as she could. We had a house cleaner once a week. She paid someone to do the ironing. She did cook supper, clean up from supper and wash clothes, so I’m not saying she was a pampered princess.
I’m in my 50s. I’ve reached the point where if I don’t want to do something or don’t have time to do something, I know I have to pay to have it done. I love having my groceries delivered, but that is a special treat.
My mom has always been very independent but in her weakened state of dementia, she has become increasingly more dependent and less motivated to keep herself up. My MIL, on the other hand, was pretty healthy even past 90, but would have let someone do absolutely everything for her if they were willing. She was depressed and no amount of attention from friends or family (or medication) seemed to help. She had no problem putting people out, but I did understand that depression played a big part in her behavior. All I can say is try to set good, healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't burn out.
You are fortunate you had years with a mother who did all she did. I have an aunt who was a great cook, always kept a spotless home, raised three children and went to work when extra money was needed. She also helped greatly with her grandchildren. She now cannot do any of that. She lives with a divorced daughter and her son who has brain damage from a terrible car accident. My senseless cousins have allowed her to drive knowing she has severe memory loss. Police have had to get her home. I know I am rambling but I guess my point is that there can come a time when rational thinking is no longer in play. I hope you find the help you need.
But I also hate the fact that I no can no longer drive. I have to do a lot of advance planning to accomplish basic shopping, haircuts, a needed trip to the post-office, getting clothes to the cleaners of even the GoodWill, visit to my attorney, my doctor, the bank etc.
I'm not as quick-thinking as I used to be and if I move at what seems a normal speed for me, the body doesn't always co-operate. Sometimes I fall. Falls didn't used to bother me, but that was because it was easy to get up and keep going. Now it's difficult to get up and I risk breaking a hip like other elderly people I know.
Actually, life is a lot more convenient these days with the internet and credit cards. But I didn't grow up with internet. It's an ever changing world online and I'm not very skilled at handling it. Oh, I used to have pretty good control of things...but nowadays not even my bladder cooperates (now, that's embarrassing). Nor do my arthritic hands that used to easily sew on a button or fasten a necklace behind my neck.
I used to have friends with whom I could commiserate. We would laugh about our difficulties, swap tips for getting things done. But most of them are gone now, dead before I was ready to say goodbye. And I miss them.
Sorry if this sounds like a sob story. I know young people have children, homes to care for and multiple tasks at work... many social obligations, too. Been there, done that.
I hate asking for help, busy as they are, but I just sometime see my life falling away in little pieces and there's not much I can do about it.
I try to express how grateful I am for any help someone can give. It's often a sacrifice for others, but I hope they never feel unappreciated!
Oldest of four daughters, the youngest, by 14 years, is full time caregiver to our folks, as she has always lived with them. Natural order of things. They took care of her, enabling her far more than the older daughters, and now she enables mom, more so than dad. Sometimes one doesn’t realize how young our parent is, when they start giving up, and the youngest two sisters began doing for mom, stuff she could and should, have been doing herself. Mom chose not to move the way one needs to, in order to maintain mobility. Period. And now she is waited on by our sister. Now, dad is plenty mobile, but hard to control, if he wants to do too much, so our sister encourages him “to relax”.
Well, since being relocated to new ranch condo, several years ago, from the huge split level, with all his stuff, yard and garage, dad seems lost, relying on the caregiver to do everything, cause she never fully moved them into the home, and she doesn’t want him messing in things. So dad does 90% less, and we know it frustrates him, but he is not asking us to help him, he just stays with his wife, sitting in their recliners, doing nothing much of anything. That was the first move our sister ever made at age 45, we all helped get them to the new place, but she is still trying to get organized, almost four years later. She wants ZERO help. No thanks. It confuses dad. It is becoming a hoarders home, and he is becoming less and less independent, and inclined to do things on his own.
Mom and dad have different reasons for allowing their daughter to do everything. I have no say, cause so far, she is pulling it off. So while I wish my younger two sisters had not encouraged mom to do nothing, and did whatever she didn’t want to do for her, I have no interest in that lifestyle. But I understand how easily it could sneak up on someone. I watched it happen to my
parents and elders before them. So I am doing my best to stay active, moving and independent, Along with my husband. Teamwork, and the healthier we are, the easier it will be. Our kids have been told not to become our servants, if we lose our minds, in our old age. Get us checked out, and placed, if necessary, and sorry time went too fast, and we did not do it ourselves. I will have less stuff to move, cause I started early!
Life is tough, good luck with your mom, give her grace, and try to help her get back her confidence, if she can indeed stay home. If not, do the tough thing, like my friend right now, and get her in a safe home. Take care.
As for mom, it sounds like she's ready for Assisted Living; she's lived a long life and probably deserves to be assisted each day and not expected to perform duties/chores. Perhaps you can take her to visit some Assisted Living sites to see if she likes them. Life is always changing and the aging process reminds us that the "clock of life is ticking."
If Mom has not been to the doctor for a while, get her there and ask for a full physical. A cognitive test too. Her PCP can do a small one if found Dementia may be involved then see a Neurologist. Labs will show anything physical. Low potassium can slow people down causes depression. B12 effects connectivity so does Cholesterol meds. Thyroid can cause problems. I now 82 yr olds that are still active. At 82 my MIL did everything for herself. Kept up a 6 room house with 2 baths and laundry room.
Not wearing her hearing aids will cause depression. Even though my DH has been wearing them since 4, he gets depressed because even though he wears one still (deaf in damaged ear) he does not hear everything. Her life would be so much better if she heard.
Ask her why she won't wear them. First, you have to go back for adjustments. The first fitting may need to be tweaked. Does her mold fit right. Lose and you get feedback, tight and it rubs the inside of the year and leaves it sore. Lose means it probably has shrunk over time and got brittle. Too tight and it can be shaved down. Digitals work on a baseline. They are adjusted for up and down only so far. If you have lost more of your hearing since last fitted, you may need the baseline adjusted so the up and down in the volume can be louder or softer.
I should have looked at your first post because I hadn't seen your reply to me. The Mormon thing. My GF and her husband are Mormon. She has a beautiful family. Girls independent even though married. Very close knit. Even though miles away from each other seem willing to drop things to help each other. But from your post, it doesn't seem you have lived that close to Mom to be her -go to person. So I don't see where u have spoiled her. Where are ur brothers in all of this? Seems to me since you have not really been there that she would be more independent. Sounds to me that Moms house may be too much for her and she needs to downsize. Maybe time for an AL.
Do tell her that you cannot pick up the slack due to your own life.
Mom may be worrying about a need for help versus spending down money she may be saving for future needs. Just a whole lot of things.
See to it you don't pick up a whole lot of slack. There will be little thanks for it; it more or less just becomes "accepted" that you are doing it because you wish to help her, and that's that.
Good luck. Every relationship, every person in every relationship is as individual as his or her own thumb print, but we CAN adapt when we need to.
Neither has much energy nor desire to do anything. In fact, last week, my MIL refused to go to the funeral of her best friend of 65 years. I wasn't there, (I don't go where she might be as I trigger her temper tantrums)...this was a woman I had known fairly well and had I known my MIL would bail at the last minute, I could have gone.
DH says she doesn't even go outside anymore. She's a total recluse. SIL is wonderful and does everything for her mom. DH has taken a backseat, for the most part (he also triggers his mom) and it really is just, so sad.
My mom also has no interest in life other than gossiping about her friend, Wanda. Mother only leaves the house twice a week, one hour for Bingo on Tuesdays and 1 hour for grocery shopping on Friday. (YB drives to the store, mother sits in the car and reads and he does her weekly shop in 1/2 hr. She doesn't even go in the store.)
It's kind of hard to watch my mom just kind of give up--b/c both of MY grandma's were totally self sufficient until the day they died. Mom has pretty much checked out.
MIL plans to live to 99-1/2. I am pretty sure she's going to make it.
COVID didn't help the situations, but they were both headed toward immobility and pushing people away anyhow.
Neither would see a psych doc--in fact they both proclaim loudly that they have 'never had a depressed day in their lives'.
I dunno, its hard to say without knowing a persons situation, personality, ailments, etc. Getting old can likely be very scary. So many people say "when I get old, or I if get ill with X, Y, Z then I'll do *this*, or I wont mind dying (or various other brazen remarks)" but when the reality arrives they start to think/talk somewhat differently. I definitely think loneliness can be a killer, & "requiring help" would ensure one isnt left alone. That could be way off base as far as your Mother is concerned though.
She may not be ABLE to even figure out how to accomplish tasks on her own, or with others’ help.
As her child, she may still, though, be able to know that you are a helpful person who can get things done.
It’s EXTREMELY frustrating to those around the elder. I’m sorry.
These knock your confidence and make you tired and demoralized. It's just easier to hope that someone else will magically sort all your stuff out.
What's she asking you for that:
a) you believe she could actually manage herself if she put her mind to it;
b) you can't fit comfortably in to your own schedule?
What you aren't happy to do (I stress, happy) she must do herself or pay someone else to do.
I can't blame her for outsourcing her ironing! Good on her. Much better than doing it badly or secretly resenting the shirts' owners; and I wish more working women would hire cleaners.
Is this new behavior? If so she could be depressed. She could have pain that she isn't telling you about. She could possibly have a UTI. She could have some new diagnosis that needs to be explored including dementia or even something else physical.
If it's not new, you may need to explore when the behavior really started. Without too much detail, we've dealt with this with my FIL for a long time due to a personality disorder. He has long believed that he was owed many things. He has been waited on hand and foot by a number of enablers but for most of his life he didn't have pain that went along with it so he still did for himself. As he aged, a number of comorbidities piled up and began to cause him pain and one thing he cannot tolerate in the slightest is pain of any kind (that is not meant to sound insensitive, he can't tolerate so much as a stubbed toe without a trip to the ER, he just doesn't do pain at all) So when doctors, nurses and physical therapists advised movement to alleviate pain and maintain mobility and independence he shut that down and did the opposite and insisted that he be waited on and unfortunately he was in a situation to be obliged. He was warned that this would eventually lead to him losing his mobility entirely and I believe he thought that when he was ready to get back up he just.....would? Now...well it's no longer a matter of won't.. it is a matter of can't.
So that's the long answer. I think for some people, if there are no underlying reasons why they have shut down, they honestly don't think there will be any repercussions to stopping until they can't get back up...they spend all of that time not doing anything thinking that when they decide to get back up and do they will just pop right back up where they left off and go right back to how they were. And part of it is a little bit of denial maybe. And part of it is that it isn't as easy, so it's just easier to NOT do it? But it is better if they can to keep doing anything they can as long as they can. Because once they stop, it's very difficult to get it back and takes twice as much effort.
I don’t like it, but I HAVE to do almost everything. I am TRYING to set up Meals on Wheels and everything else I can think of to give me a break. How about giving your Mother a break and handle some of her load? My son from a prior marriage pays ALL our bills with our $; hubby’s son (about 40 miles away) drives us to medical appointments as needed. Those are wonderful helps, but not enough…..that is WHY I am trying to find more help. Jan
My mother was the most considerate person on the planet, and then she wasn't. In turned out that she'd had a stroke that had taken out most of her executive function and planning ability. So she just kept asking us/telling us to do things. But we had jobs!
She also mis-understood EVERYTHING her doctors said to her.
So maybe this isn't manipulation
Maybe she isn't reasoning/understanding stuff.
I think you'd need to consult a medical person, perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist focusing on aging, to address a declining or loss of self sufficiency.
There's also the blunt and perhaps frightening recognition that age has or is compromising us and we do need to seek help. Or someone could just be tired and worn out from the challenge of aging.
As to "hating to inconvenience people", I think that could be more than just inconvenience, but rather, arises from a survival concept.
This is what my parents did for me as well.
We are all individuals and we are as unique as our own fingerprints.
Good luck out to you.