65 year old mother with some memory and dementia problems is in the care daughter only by vulture of the fact that the elder person lives in a house owned by the daughter. There is no guardianship or conservator involved. Daughter is using this living arrangement to deny full access to the elder person by screening calls, intercepting mail, covertly preventing elder person from answering the phone, and openly and blatantly attempting to turn the affections of this mother against one or more of her sons. Yes, there is a sibling rivalry, and the daughter is using the mother, at the mother's emotional, psychological, and possibly physical health to boost her own ego. Phone calls to this mother's private phone line go unanswered, and it is only by calling the daughters phone will you be able to talk to the elder IF the daughter deems you worthy, and are not a friend of, or otherwise associated with, the brother she despises so much that she will do this to her own mother. The son in this case has always had contact with his mother, has for the last 2 and a half years daily communications with his mother, and has for the same period of time had on-person contact no less than once a month, almost always twice a month and frequently more than twice a month. Mother has live in daughters house for over a year and it has only been the last 30 - 90 days the daughter has gone to these extremes.
It's always a shame when brothers and sisters don't get along. Your sister may be doing perfectly well by your mother, and of course, there are expenses involved and she will have to spend some money. That's what your mother's money is for. It's just that you don't like being out of the loop.
It's not picnic caregiving for elders. There are a lot of emotional and physical things going on that your sister is going to have to deal with for her ownself, in addition to the care of your mother. If she is constantly second-guessed and hammered with questions from her brothers, then she may react by withdrawing. That's not proper, but it might be self-defensive. Cut her some slack for a while, play nice and see if things change. It may take a while, time passes at different speeds for some people than for others.
Because Mom isn't in her private home anymore, access may be a little bit more on your sister's terms than you like. It isn't always convenient to have people, even a brother, come and go at will. Sometimes phone calls come at awkward times. There are baths, naps, meals, therapy sessions, all kinds of reasons why Mom can't talk on the phone right now. Ask for her to call you back when it's convenient to talk. Offer to give your sister some respite time. Bet she would love that. Make the offer to be at her choice and she'll appreciate it even more. Call some time just to talk to sis. Ask how mom is, but don't make a big deal out of talking to her. Sometimes we overlook the caregiver and forget that they have feelings too. I was reminded of this a few years ago, when sis would call and I would automatically hand the phone to mom. Sis said "hey, sometimes I just want to talk to you".
Anyway, I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do. There are no winners in the sibling wars. Sorry this is so long, and of course, it is only an opinion.
Here's my take on it: your sister is using her control over access to your mom as a power play over you. Some people can't resist abusing any little bit of power and control they are entrusted with. I think your sister knows you want to be actively involved in your mom's life and so by acting as the self-designated gatekeeper, she is using her control over your mom to squeeze you out. This is how undue influence works...the sibling that has all the access uses every opportunity to alienate you from your mom. It's very covert and insidious...she whispers negative things about you in your mom's ear, eye rolls, snide remarks, intercepts cards and letters you send to your mom, fails to tell your mom you called, tells your mom she is the "only one that cares", reminds your mom that you haven't called in a while, etc. In 1,001 ways, day in and day out, she convinces your mom that you just don't care about her like she does. It's payback for sibling issues from the past I believe. It's desperately wanting to be the favored child. It's usually the one that has accomplished the least in life, so they feel very needing of approval and attached to the parent(s) because they are still dependent on them. But she fails to see how much she is hurting your mom in the process of trying to exclude you. Complicating matters further, if there is a large estate involved, then the sibling steps up her game even more ruthlessly to destroy your relationship with your mother in hopes of hijacking your potential inheritance as well. That way it's a real home-run for the controlling sibling.
So your choices are to 1) Just let your sister have what she wants or 2) fight for your right to be in your mom's life.
After giving my options some serious thought I decided on option #1. I decided that all that would come of a legal battle and/or involving APS would be that my mom might end up in the care of a stranger. She would put the blame for the whole nasty battle squarely on me. I decided since she is happy with this arrangement I would butt out and let my sister "win". I have emotionally detached from my mom enough to have sort of a "take it or leave it" attitude when it comes to contact. I still call her every week or so, but am never surprised if she doesn't answer. Last time I called both her land line and cell phone, she answered neither and I couldn't leave a message because both mailboxes were full. So I went on with my day and tried again a few days later. No problem. If I get concerned that it's been a while I email or call my brother and ask him how she's doing. He keeps loosely in touch with her and lives in the same city. All my siblings live there so I'm not too worried about my mom not getting enough care from me, since I can't do much for her from a state away. I do send her cards and gifts for special occasions. I just took my involvement and emotional attachment to her down a few notches. My sister can deal with it without my unwanted input and that way we're all happy.
I know how torn you must feel between wanting to do all you can for your mother, staying in her life, and not wanting to rock the boat. But the reality is that your sister is in the driver's seat and you are locked in the trunk. If your mother is happy with that arrangement then I would just go with it. Your sister will fight like a badger until you give her what she wants, and then don't be too surprised if she doesn't want it anymore. No difference than toddlers in the playroom...one will fight a toy away from the other, then a minute later the toy is sitting in the corner by itself as the "winner" no longer wants it. Sad that they put their own mother in the middle of a tug-of-war.
Although, I should add that most of the laws that will apply in these situations will be in the state of the person being taken care of.
What are you, GEO123 going to do? Even if you forget you even have a mom because it is not worth the trouble, your mother is still going to be under thumb of this person. Will still be influenced, controlled, manipulated buy this person because this person has the power, and she LIKES it... much the same situation as in a battered wife household.
What do you do geo123? What do you do....
Now, if you're going to ask what I SHOULD do (if I and my family were reasonable and level-headed) would be to step back and calm down. Next, probably stop to think that the person on the other side is as upset as I am and that accusing them of anything isn't making the situation better.
But, as I said, in my family, we usually drive the other person right over the edge. That's just how we roll. That's why we can't get anything done without a lawyer. And, once again, my mother has a pitiful amount of money that she hates spending on the lawyer, but that's where we're at with things.
Why GEO, is your MOM having to spend HER money on lawyers because YOU and other FAMILY members are dysfunctional as a family?
It doesn't help me, nor answer my original question, but my answer to YOU is: You and the rest of your dysfunctional family all pay for your own (insert you're own colorful additive here) lawyer fees. This should reduce but not likely eliminate the family bickering, and give your mother some solace with the fact that, she is not (financially) paying for it.
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