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My dad will be 67 next year, has heart and kidney disease, and we recently found out he's been most likely living in his car for the past year. I'm at a loss as what I can do to help.


A little (a lot) background: my mom left my dad almost 8 years ago after 30 years of misery (her words). My dad used to be a very handsome, charismatic man with very little regard for the feelings of those around him. He had multiple affairs throughout my childhood and was generally unpleasant to be around the rare times he was home. He can be quite charming and gives off an air of being a kind, funny, and loving person. Which he is, on his terms and when he needs something.


When my mom left, he started a downward spiral that involved moving around a lot and living with multiple women. Three years ago, he decided to move closer to me to be more involved in my life and to develop a relationship with my son. This involved him moving in with us without asking, under the guise that it was temporary. 10 months later, I asked him to leave because I was having another baby and the room he was occupying was to be her room. He left, visited on occasion, and would go weeks without speaking to me.


It's been a little over 2 years since he moved out and while we had suspicions that he was living in his car, it wasn't confirmed until last Wednesday. He called me from the ER saying he'd been in an accident. Long story short, he had a syncopal episode while driving, blacked out, and hit a pole. He's been sleeping on our couch since then.


My husband is very supportive of whatever I want to do, my children adore their grandfather, and I want my father to be safe. I want him to be taken care of. I want him to have a roof over his head. But I don't think my sanity could handle having him under my roof long term. My house is large enough to accomodate him, we have a second guest room and bathroom on the 3rd floor but it needs some work done. This would also mean he'd have 3 flights of stairs to climb to come down to the kitchen. He will not answer questions regarding his health and situation. Everything I know is from putting pieces together and coming to my own conclusions, but I think they're right. He receives social security but has no other income. We are not in a financial situation to really help him either. My husband works for the government, I work part time to stay home to take care of our daughter, and our son is autistic and has expensive therapies.


I am 1 of 3 children. My younger brother has all but written him off as a lost cause and has very little contact. I have not spoken to my older half-brother in close to 10 years as he is 13 years older and we've never been very close. My dad did go visit him recently and speaks with him often but I'm unsure of what my brother actually knows. My next step is to get in contact with him.


I just....I don't know what to do. Fix up the 3rd floor as a temporary solution? Try to find low income housing? Figure out a way to get him into a retirement community? Run away to Costa Rica and change my name?

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Call Office of Aging and see what resources they can offer or point you into the right direction. Social Services maybe able to find him a place to live.

In hindsight, you should have told the Hospital you could not take him in. That you work and have children, one autistic, that there is no way you can have Dad living with you. Then the Social Worker would have had to work things out. So, if he lands in the hospital again, do not bring him home. If u do you will end up caring for him as his health worsens. You discribed a Narcissistic personality. He will expect so much more out of you as time goes on. Be very firm with the agencies that you talk to that he cannot live with you. You have enough on ur plate with a child with challenges.

With just SS you will not be able to get Dad into a Assisted Living unless ur State pays for it. A NH is out of the question unless he needs 24/7 care. You could have him evaluated and should. He needs a full physical with labs. There is HUD housing where they take 30% of his monthly income for rent. But there is a list. Talk to Social Services and tell them he needs emergency housing. Maybe they will put him up in a motel.

There is Adult Protection services too.
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Stop the problem before it begins. He is young enough to find a solution himself. You should be firm and tell him what you can do and what you can't do for him. Remember that your priority should be your immediate family, husband and children. Refer him to a social agency.
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Please don’t allow your dad to live with you, his pattern of behavior shows that it will go badly and may cost you far more than you know in terms of your own health and well being. Contact social service agencies in your area and find out what may be available. And firmly tell him he can’t live with you
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Run away to Costa Rica & change your name, that's my advice!

Just kidding. But I feel your pain.

My BIL was a drifter of sorts too. So here's what we did: we got him set up to live in a motel room locally that had a tiny kitchenette where he could cook a bit. It was in a busy section of Denver where he could catch a bus to the grocery store quite easily. All he had was SSI or SSDI, I can't remember which, but it was well under $1K a month. The motel was around $550 a month. He made friends there including the woman who ran the place who'd have him over for Thanksgiving dinner (he didn't want anything to do with the family he DID have in town). He wound up living in the motel for about 13 years and he really liked it there, honestly. He died about 8 months ago; he had COPD and continued to smoke cigarettes heavily, so he keeled over in the Wal Mart parking lot one day. I got the call while shopping in another Wal Mart, oddly enough.

Get your father set up in a situation like we did for my BIL. People like your father thrive in such a place, not with family like you who will cramp their style ANYWAY. Plus, you're in no position to take him in! No is a complete sentence, so I suggest you use it. But you can still help him get set up elsewhere, if you'd like to do that.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
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From your description, your dad is a narcissist.
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Yes, I would contact your older half brother, to see what he suggests. I don't think bringing him to your home is a good idea. Is your father a veteran? If so, VA could help.
Otherwise, contact department of aging for help.
Best wishes
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No philosophizing, JUST BASIC FACTS- DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INVITE HIM TO LIVE WITH YOU.

Research “independent living” in your area.

Don’t “try” to find resources, FIND THEM. “try” IS A WORD THAT IMPLIES “delay”. You cannot delay allowing him to encroach on YOUR resources.

If you have a local “office of the aging” GET IN TOUCH WITH THEM.

He is NOT too old to assume some or possibly even ALL responsibility for himself, but that will NOT happen if you allow yourself to be used by him. (By the way, that’s very likely what’s happening every time you shelter him after one of his episodes).

If his contact with your children is a positive part of their lives, by all means encourage that, but at the same time, keep an eye on their interactions, and be prepared to limit them if they appear to be turning problematic.

Probably a good idea to clarify any legal responsibility you may have unwittingly taken on in respect to his care, and be SURE that “temporary” CLEARLY REMAINS TEMPORARY.

NO MORE “moving in without asking”. When you’re being used as a parachute, it’s YOUR JOB to protect yourself and YOUR family.

DO THAT!
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Nothing.

Do not let his problems become your problems, and for the love of God, do NOT take him into your home. Put him back in his car/home and tell him to be on his merry way. Sounds like it's time for him to grow up.
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There are options for placing your Dad under a "roof" other than a NH. There are some AL centers that will get him into a small efficiency apartment. There should be a local housing authority that can get him into a one bedroom apartment based on his income even if its only SS. There is no reason or need for him to be living in a car. Find the number for the housing authority or call social services. He should be more than willing to move into an income adjusted apartment rental. Otherwise, if he's unwilling to pay even a pittance for his own place, I would say he would rather use you for free rent. Moving in a parent is more often than not a bad idea for a family, especially the kids and then the spouse long term. Everyone wants a home to go to after working all day, and everyone is entitled to it. There are options for your Dad. Get busy, make those calls. Forget the third floor. You just need a direction, a starting point. Your first call will help you to focus your efforts.
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Do not feel guilty and obligated to jump in and fix the bed that he has made for himself. When you screw over enough people, eventually you end up alone. If he has the health issues that you think he has, he will decline and need more help. How would you handle that with everything else you have going on? Explain to dad that you've got your hands full and that you think he will need help that you can't provide. Suggest getting a social worker involved to get him where he can live comfortably. Whether that is a government subsidized apartment or senior living situation...I don't know. Think of your marriage and your children first. Support your dad by offering suggestions.
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In the end. You can't do much on Social Security.

You're either lucky enough to have loving family members to take you in or you live in a Nursing Home.

You might check with Adult Protective Services and see if you can find a place he can live on his Social Security.

You can discuss with your Dad what exactly you're willing to do so he'll know his options.

Have a chat with Dad and see what he would like.

Dad deffiently needs to contribute his fair share while living with you.

Charge Dad room and board and tell him he'll be fixing the 3rd floor room where he'll be staying if that is an option.

Check on the price of a small elevator and have Dad make the monthly payments.

He could have access to and from the 3rd floor, maybe from outside.

If you have any property, you could put a small trailer for Dad to live in.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2021
Bad advice again from BevtheGreat. 'Have a chat with Dad (the narcissist who is charming only when he wants something) and see what he would like'? No prizes for guessing. Don't go there!
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Do not sacrifice your sanity for someone who does not consider your feelings and needs at all. We want to help, but we cannot change them into considerate people. You do not want that modeling in front of your children.

Connect him to homeless services in your area. Most communities have homeless outreach teams.
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Help him get qualified for Section 8 housing. Make sure he understands that he will be moving out but you will "help" him. Depending on your state of residence and county there may be a waiting list. If so, see if he can get housing in another county (the farther away from you the better). Help him sign up for aid programs. Once he is moved out, he's on his own. Do not spend any money on getting him set up somewhere else. He's a fully grown man who has a history of mooching off of others. Anyone on this thread who suggests he should/would "contribute" to his living expenses hasn't read the part of your story where he's a proven grifter and also is secretive about himself. It's a hard NO for him to live with you or you to subsidize him outside your home. Nothing more for him except to help him get resettled without paying a dime. You've done plenty already.

What you feel is grief, not guilt. Guilt is for those who have done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong. But he has and still is treating you grievously. Please internalize these facts:
- You cannot want a better life for someone more than they want it themselves.
- You are not responsible for his happiness.
- This is the retirement he planned for -- now he must lie in the bed he made.
- You cannot rescue him as it will be physically, emotionally and financially unsustainable.

Your spouse and children come first. No matter how supportive and patient your spouse is, it will run out at some point and may cost you your marriage. Don't do it.

If/when things get "bad enough" for your father you can call APS. They will acquire guardianship of him and then take care of all his needs. May you receive peace in your heart. Bless you for the unearned grace you are generously giving this man.
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Theres not a person alive that doesn't have some dysfunctional members in his/her family. Your desire for your dad to be safe and cared for is admirable and shows that you still have love in your heart. Please disregard the haters who advise you to turn your back on a human being who clearly needs help. It's not our place to judge.
That said, you clearly do not want him to live with you. Start there and seek alternatives. See what half-brother has to offer. I think if either of you found your father a rented, furnished room in a nice house where maybe Dad has access to the kitchen - that might be the answer. He would be free to come and visit you and the grandkids, but still remain "independent" - plus he would have companionship from other renters living there or with the house owner.
I wish you the best in finding a suitable resolution. Please keep us updated on your journey!
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You have many responsibilties with your family. Although your father is young, it sounds like he is not in good physical condition, and you must be prepared for his health to decline. He may need more care in the future, and at some point may ot be able to handle stairs. Whatever you decide, you should also have an idea about what you'd do if his care got to be too much for you to handle. Talk to him about living in a senior facility. Unfortunately, it sounds like he is not engaged in thinking about or managing his own needs. He may need an assisted living facility if he cannot take care of himself. If you can, get connected to a local social worker who can help advise on his (and your) options, given his financial situation. Maybe he can apply for Medicaid. Has he set up Powers of Attorney for his medical and financial matters, if he becomes incapable of caring for himself? Are you his POA? It makes things easier if he takes care of these things. You also need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to speak on his behalf. You can do that over the phone with him sitting there with you. If he agrees to go to a senior residence, try to find one near you so that you can visit often. You can oversee his care, help out, take him out for outings and doctor visits, and be his advocate more easily if you can visit frequently. From what you said about him, it sounds like he has not been taking care of his health, and he may actually get better care in a senior residence than he is providing for himself. Good luck and best wishes to all of you!
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It's wonderful that you want to help your Dad at this stage in his life. It's also great that he has a good relationship with your children but you know that moving him back in with you is not going to be a good thing for you or your marriage and therefore ultimately your family, including Dad. Three flights of stairs is a lot for someone of his age with medical issues and you have already tried this before. He needs his own space and so do you. If he is a veteran contact the local VA and see if they have any resources. Also as he is over 65, contact your local Office on Aging to get suggestions and resources from them in terms of any section 8 housing available for older citizens. The section 8 housing for older people who meet the income limit (sorry can't remember what it is for single people at the moment) will take only 30% of their income which may leave Dad with enough funds to pay for his car expenses or any social activities he wants to have. Unfortunately, they generally have very long waiting lists but perhaps the VA or the OoA can suggest some interim solutions. Also check with any religious organizations - they may resources also. With his own living space, he can visit you and the children and play doting Grand Pop and leave when you all get tired. Good Luck. This is going to require a lot of work and persistence on your part
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I will be 67 next year. I help my kids, they don't need to help me. My advice? Just say no. You might have the physical space to take care of Dad, but the drain emotionally will be horrible. The kids might love him now but that will change as he takes over. Same with hubby - he deserves your love and attention more than Dad.

If he was living in a car that was his choice. In today's economy there are jobs for all who want them. They may not pay what he thinks he is worth, but if he can drive he can work enough to supplement his social security income. You have a young family and they need your attention and energy. Dad isn't that old. He could live to torment you for a long time. Don't let him.
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I’d suggest that you perhaps don’t follow the advice to investigate all the options and help Dad find somewhere else to live. If you do, it will be all your fault if he doesn’t do well there, and he will expect to come back to your place while you try again.

At 67, he’s young enough to work this out for himself. Give him the contacts to find his own options, and a short time limit to do it. If he’s getting SS and prefers living in a car to searching out cheap accommodation, it’s his choice. In fact he has always done exactly what he wanted to do, from the sound of it. Just make sure that what he wants doesn’t include too much of your time and most importantly doesn’t include living with you.
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I am torn between Costa Rica ...and why is this your problem exactly?

Stop enabling him. These are the consequences of the life he chose to lead. Get him in touch with resources and for the love of all that is holy, get him out of your house.

Next time he has a medical crisis, do not pick him up from the hospital! Explain his situation and see what resources the hospital has to find him a suitable place.

Don't be guilted because your kids like him. They haven't been hurt by him yet. My kids loved my ex...until they saw him through adult eyes. Now they have nothing to do with him.

Get him out before he does any real damage to your life.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2021
Very interesting comment about kids loving the ex until they saw him with adult eyes. It explains a lot to me about my own ex & children. Understanding it might have avoided pain for me when my own kids were little. Thanks
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I think deep down you have answered your question. This has not been a good relationship and as time goes on, it will get worse. DO NOT ALLOW HIM INTO YOUR HOME UNLESS YOU WANT THE BURDENS THAT COME WITH HIM. Apply for Medicaid and place him - or seek help from the pros what to do with him - that does not involve him being in your home. He will destroy you - don't do it.
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Having him move in with you is the WORST possible thing you could do. But it looks like you’re talking yourself into it, or trying to.
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Costa Rica sounds great!
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I would fix up third floor bedroom and give him specific hours to watch autistic child . Not free rent but an exchange of say 20
- 30
hours a week babysitting . See if it works out and in the mean time look for affordable housing . This could be a win / win situation . Especially if the grandchildren like him .
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AliBoBali Dec 2021
The dad would need some special training to look after a child with ASD. It's a possibility, I suppose, but I'm not sure I'd put my 66yo father, who has a history of fainting, in charge of a special needs child.
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My father only gets the fed minimum SSI amount per month and has several chronic conditions. He was able to move into an age-restricted HUD place that is like an independent living facility -- it has some services, such as transportation to local stores and wheelchair access, and has been a good fit for him, for now. There has been someone (my mom) checking on him several times a week, and helping with food and cleaning. He is able -- with his other benefits plus the HUD place -- to live on very little money a month, and even has money left over every month. And, with a little outside help, his basic needs are looked after. It sounds like a place like this could work for your dad.
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Why not find him a “low-income” available apartment in a nearby senior community?

He should be able to easily afford this with his social security income and he would have a lot of fun charming his new neighbors.
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Cover99 Dec 2021
By charming do you mean "getting into their pants"?
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Mikloz18: Imho, perhaps you can see if he would qualify for section 8 living because after all, he is still your father albeit whatever he did in his past.
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Start with the facts - your father is an indigent with limited resources and poor health. If he is mentally competent, he is able to make decisions for himself. You do not have to have him live with you. He needs to know what resources are available for him in the community - and use them.

Make sure he has applied for Medicaid. He most likely will not qualify for Medicare for a couple more years. Once he is approved for Medicaid, help him apply for all the federal and local resources he qualifies for, If he is admitted to the hospital for syncope related to his heart issues, the social services department can help you with these processes. You might call the local authorities to ask who to contact for help if he is staying with you.

Once he has Medicaid, you could look into assisted living facilities that take clients on Medicaid.
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Maryjann Dec 2021
If he's 66, doesn't he qualify for Medicare?
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There is help out there, but he doesn't even try. No matter what you decide, just remember that his health will not get better, and ask yourself if you could handle changing his diapers someday? This honestly looks like a choice between your family or him. Good luck.
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Mikloz: "He will not answer questions regarding his health and situation."

Your father doesn't want to tell you anything. That is one big red flag.

You're not just taking your father into your house, you're taking in ALL his problems, problems that he is not telling you.

So, he was homeless and living in his car. Being homeless is a symptom of the bigger problems. Most often the problems are drugs and alcohol, and mental illness. Not saying these are what cause him to be homeless, just saying these are the most common. Can you deal with those?

He is not telling you his health problems. Besides heart and kidney disease, what else is he hiding? and why? Are you willing to be his caregiver for the next 10-30 years?

Until he comes clean, you don't know what you are in for.
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Have him admitted for a psychiatric assessment and refuse to take him home - put the work on the state. You do NOT want your children growing up around a narcissist with erratic behaviours, and you have enough on your plate with a severely autistic child with their associated difficulties to take on someone who has made their own decisions and now needs to live by what they can get which is NOT in your house. Don't get into the child cycle of having him in your house - he didn't care for you as a child so whatever you see now is an act to get what he wants. Not one you want to be involved in and not one your children should grow up in.
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