What steps can I take to get help?

Start the eviction procedures with a letter to his POA (your daughter). You do not have to put up with this abuse.

Here is what I would do: place a calm and polite call to your daughter. Say, “Are you going to be home for a minute? I have something I need to show you. “. If she says yes, pack Dad up in the car telling him you’re taking him out to eat. Drive to dear daughter’s house, take Dad inside and tell her you’ll drop his things off tomorrow. Say bye and don’t look back.

What a mess.
If he stays in your home I would get cameras. You can get the ones that are wireless and run on batteries.
Tell him you are putting them up so EVERYONE can see what he is up to.

BUT my first choice would be to get him out of your home. You may have to evict him. What happened to his home?

Get an elder attorney if need be. It sounds like the police are treating this more like a domestic squabble. You need help.

Call the local area on aging and tell them he needs an assessment and out of your home.

Do what your daughter threatened you with. Contact elder abuse and tell them she is abusing you and your husband.

How did this crazy setup come to be? Is your daughter paying your rent? Is your husband her father? Give us more information so we can help you with a course of action.

He says he will leave on the 1st...

What, 1st December?

Leave and go where?

Just trying to work out how you can get through the next two or three weeks, assuming that actually is the plan.

We're missing some background.
Why couldn't your father move in to your daughter's house? And if it wasn't possible back then, how is it practical now?
What were the alternative options at the time when your daughter "talked you into" this? Is any of them still possible?

Trouble is, yours is a classic "I wouldn't start from here" problem. But you know that. It's a question of surviving until he moves out without laying your hands on an ax, yes?

Could you and your husband go on impromptu vacation, leaving your daughter to come and stay with your father, get him packed and ship him out?

Daddysgirl,
Can you arrange for temporary respite by admitting your Dad in a facility that accepts two weeks stay for "respite" ?

This from your own daughter? Unbelievable! But it is unfortunately true, I know.

Gather your resources. Test your husband where he is on the team: Throw you under the bus to keep blame on you? Have him drive Dad to the respite facility, have him admitted. It is urgent. Go so far as to lose Dad's cell phone for a day.

I know hiding out in the bedroom, feeling for sure you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. And I hear loud and clear how you have been used up and manipulated by Dad and your own daughter. Calling the police on a burned out, manipulated caregiver is beyond the pale. It removes ALL negotiations from the table. This is war....your own survival is at stake here. Do not relent. Become an immovable force against the steamroller headed your way for your destruction. Know who the enemy is. All of them.

A therapist can help you stay calm, strengthen yourself in the face of all this. Today, you are heard. Today, you are supported. Today, you have taken the first step to save yourself.

It no longer matters that Dad's brain may be broken and cannot be held responsible for his abuses. With your daughter taking sides, coming against you, and calling the police...........you have the enemy living under your roof, and coming in from outside, (daughter as POA) ; with the support of police interpreting laws in favor of Dad.
Yours is an urgent, untenable and dangerous circumstance, even for two weeks.

Hiding in your bedroom is understandable, this is extreme caregiver abuse. If you do nothing...go to therapy tomorow, by making the phone calls today.  Calling APS to say you are a burned out caregiver needing help (respite) may get you some therapy.  You don't have to be that burned out to get help that you deserve so that you won't be burned out.

Keep checking back, sharing with other caregivers here who will understand.

Can you call Dad's doctor, and ask for his help?
Let's figure this out....what will that accomplish, how will that be received? Anyone?

Disclaimer: I understand that my answer appears to be taking the nuclear option, in favor of protecting the caregiver. Maybe others have some more options for this caregiver and her family....

Step 1) Change his address to POA's house.
Step 2) Take away his keys secretly, replacing it with a similar key on his key-ring.
Step 3) Take Dad to DMV (photo ID) and get his address changed on his ID or driver's license, to anywhere that is not yours.
Step 4)  As with any renter, interloper, or moving person, put your letter ending his residnce there legally in writing, with 30 days notice.  "I understand that you will be moving on Nov. 1st.  With that in mind, and accepted as notice, I hereby accept that notice and return 30 days notice."
Sheesh, I don't really know, can you ask an attorney?
Many people do not know if his ID has your address, he can enter with the help of a locksmith or the police.

My sympathies to you, and your relationships with your Dad, and your daughter.

Wow! Thanks for all the imput. I was beginning to believe them and thinking I was in the wrong. When planning on him coming to stay with us my daughter was in the process of moving and couldn't do it.. THEN. My husband is not her father and to be honest if it weren't for him I would have broke a long time ago, my dad doesn't let anyone else see how he does me. Whenever someone else is around it's please and thank you He has been this way to me my entire life. Making everyone else (especially my daughter) think that I'm pulling an "all about me" trip as she put it. Maybe it us time for ME I'm not the one who had a 4 week beach trip, a trip to Colorado, and a trip to Tennessee since he's been here. That was her "me" time. The address change I have seriously already thought about. I said something to my hi about this and he wants me to first make sure it won't get me in trouble. His home is still there, however my daughter and I are the closest family he has. We are actually over an hour away and even though I've come to learn that he isn't AS BAD as he is making out he really doesn't need to be alone. As far as where he is going the last time I spoke to my daughter I informed her that she needs to be finding something's fast. I'm sure he will be staying with her. Then she will really see and that's all I'm going to say. I do have an appointment with a therapist next week, so in the meantime while living in my one room I have sat down and began writing by now it's pretty much a book about the way I grew up and things he has done and said to me all of my life. All I can say is that I've cried from things that are coming back to me but it is helping so much in more ways than I would have thought. One thing for sure it's making me not feel bad about the decision that has to be made

daddysgirl2017, time to tell a "theraputic fib" that you have decided to go back to work to build up your retirement, thus Dad will be home all by himself.... therefore Dad would need to hire caregivers to help him during the day.

If the caregivers don't work out, then he will need to go into Assisted Living. I bet your daughter will quickly say she will take her grandfather into her home. Whew. You are off the hook as she made the final decision. Ask daughter where to send her grandfather's mail.

Who knows, maybe this would work out very well. Dad will be happy, daughter happy, and especially you happy without all the verbal abuse.

I might add a quick call to an attorney. I'm thinking it's your home & you call the shots on who enters. Now I wouldn't want a confrontation with the police, who are seriously just trying to keep peace. So, ask the attorney how you would handle it when law enforcement tells you who can enter your home without your consent.

It sounds like Daddy is playing you and your daughter like a pair of fiddles!

Sorry, my last answer got cut off.

Your daughter doesn't get that your dad is and always has been abusive to you. He's playing the two off you off against each other ("let's you and her fight" it's called).

Set clear boundaries with eviction proceedings that start tomorrow.

Clear the air with your daughter, perhaps with a joint counselling session with your new therapist.

You can and will reclaim your life.

No she doesn't want to see this. With my children he is a totally different person than I myself have ever known. He has been this way from I can first remember. Honestly, she has to see something here due to me having a brother who lives 10 minutes away and hasn't spoken to him in over 5 years. He has always been the type that whatever he says is right and it's his way or no way. I really don't get it for my children I would take my last breath. This man has never once said"I love you" to me. Oh yeah, he has it in him because he tells my daughter all the time

Daddysgirl, I get it. Somehow, you are the "bad kid". It happens to nice folks and it is so NOT YOUR FAULT!

I reminded my dad of his sister. Not in a good way. He wasn't as abusive as your dad, but then, I never had to have him live with me.

It sounds as though your dad is, and has always had some degree of mental illness, and perhaps this is now complicate by vascular dementia from his stroke?

But for your own health, mental and otherwise, you need NOT to be his caregiver. It is downright dangerous to be caregiver to a person who has abused you in the past.

As I said, eviction proceedings start in the AM. " It's not personal, dad. My doctor says that I have to do this."

The POA seems unclear in your writing. Have you not seen the POA documents? Time for a serious talk with your daughter and father about seeking placement in an assisted living arrangement, as the current live-in situation is no longer a healthy environment. Ask that she bring the POA documents so that the three of you can determine duties in this matter. Your family doctor's office and your new counselor's office will have lists of assisted living centers in your area. Your telephone book/internet will also have these listings. Gather these listings prior to your meeting with your daughter and father. While the three of you are together call the listings for prices to determine what he can afford. Make sure both of them understand that your father is responsible to pay for all costs of assisted living and that your daughter will be responsible for all communications with the Medicaid system (if she has 'Durable POA') if his finances are inadequate to pay the costs in full. Request that this meeting take place within a few days, at a time when assisted living centers in your area are taking calls for information. If your daughter does not comply with the meeting or presenting you with the POA documents, you will already have gathered all the information you need to make those calls and make decisions for moving your father to assisted living.

I like the idea of just using whatever means to get him over to daughters house...then walk away.

Be strong. Do not allow him back! Change the locks! Advise the local police that you have removed him and he and daughter may not enter without police present. Make sure you lock the windows too! (No kidding, I once had evicted tenants climb back in thru a window).

daddys, you’re on the right track! You’re journaling, and starting with a counselor, good work! It’s like PTSD with these feelings with our parents, and you can sort and take charge of these feelings. Altho the relationship with your daughter may need healing, I’d focus on only yourself for now at counseling. So glad your DH is so good for you. :) And now he’s seen what you’ve been talking about. 
While you still have to be alone with your father, picture yourself protected by a shield when you bring him or do whatever.  Try to reduce any time that you are alone with him since that goes so much better.  Do you have any friends, or ladies from the neighborhood or church, who can come over periods during the day for support?
I hope you will look for a nice new job, and get back out in the world.
Isn’t this a great site?! Good luck, you will work this out!

Check out the laws in your state as far as tenant/landlord. He is considered a tenant. You may need to serve eviction to the poa agent. You can also check with local nursing homes to check on availability.

Sorry I don't have any better answers than what you have already received. You need to have him out of your house for your own health and wellbeing. You may want to contact your local AAA (Area Agency on Aging) to get some caregiver support for yourself and have them assess Dad for what he truly needs for services.

Oh my! You're in double jeopardy! You've got a narcissistic dad and an equally narcissistic daughter! If the property doesn't belong to your dad, call the elder services or legal aid and proceed with eviction in a legal manner. And, cut off contact with your dad and daughter for good.

It is really bad when a false report is made to an abuse center by an abuser. That happened to me when I was staying with Mother in a rogue facility. Also, similar to your case, my brother took over Mother's Trust fund through a common broker while Mother was and theoretically still is in charge of her own funds - to his benefit and control. When and if she is ever deemed incompetent my brother and I are to be Co-Trustees. He used that as a weapon against me to try to get me out of Mother's life. Like you, I am the 24 x 7 caregiver, brother rarely talks to her and has seen her once in two years. Worse yet is a cousin whose Dixie Land Jazz Group was booked several time a year at the rogue facility. They conspired against me and Mother for money and egotistical cravings that the facility worked on by flirting and false testimony to them.
                 Mother almost lost her eyesight and was on her way to death  from their abuse. The investigator found Mother and I had a great Mother-Daughter relationship. She encouraged me to call if I had any problems. I called and had no return calls. I turned to every other agency I found out about.  No results or support from agencies.  I was dragged through the mud. The Administrator ( daughter  of the owner) bragged that the courts are stacked in their favor. So were the Agencies. My hours were cut way back. My son got Mother out of that craziness. It is almost a year later. We had a great 100th Birthday Party for Mom. Brother and cousin were not there. Mother is in a heavenly facility in the community of my church and home. I stay with Mother full time. When Mom left the rogue facility she could not even balance sitting up. She was sickly, weak, confused and did not make sense. Before the rogue facility butted in, she could walk, she was not in a wheel chair. Her Glaucoma went from stabile to last stages of eyesight from their negligence in administering her eye drops. She has come a long way but has not regained her ability to walk, her eyes are damaged but stabile (not deteriorating any further.) She thinks well and is social. Mother was much like you father was to you when I was a child. She made a big change later in life. She couldn't be nicer to me. We have the loving family I have always wanted with Mother, me and our kitty cat staying together in her new facility with my son stopping in once or twice every day, staying so I can go to Church and otherwise helpful. I am in the choir at church and Praise The Lord.  
      Make plans for your Father to leave your house. What would happen if he is remorseful. What if he was willing to change. If he is willing make sure he is entertained and looks forward to fun times together. Also I have found that advice given that the Caretaker, POA should also be the POA over finances. We have not achieved that but we do get Mother's monthly statements. That is the least you should have been getting. Also, I hope you are being gifted or paid for caring for your Dad. There is a 5 year look back period on any gifts to qualify for future Medicaid should a parent gift a child unless you declare the payment on your Tax returns. Will keep you in prayers for God's intervention in your situation.

I lived with a boyfriend who was abusive in the same way. The time I lived there while looking for a place and packing etc was exceptionally bad. I too tried to avoid contact as much as possible. I finally spent the better part of a month walking around the house with headphones on, playing my favorite tunes, and more often than not, singing out loud.
"Did you say something? Sorry, I can't hear you. "
Saved my sanity until I made the great Escape.

What is happening to you is unacceptable. And shame, shame, shame on your daughter.

Hugs.

Commutergirl is correct. Various states have laws that might apply here. He might be considered a tenant or just someone who lives there. You may have to legally evict him. If that is the case, there are businesses who evict people. I have used them several times for rental units. They know how to do it the correct, legal way. Well worth the money.

Your daughter called the police on you in your house? I wouldn't tolerate that.

daddysgirl2017: You do not have to put up with such abuse! The POA document will be a notarized doc that you need to find. Then move forward with his living at your daughter's before he gives YOU a health crisis.

Daddy’s girl, you say his home is still there. Why don’t you take him back to his home with all his belongings and tell daughter to hire caregivers. Remind her as POA she must do the best for him. I would try to record on your phone of her saying she is the POA. Then don’t bother asking for papers, just take him back home and send her a certified letter stating you brought him back to his house and he is now her responsibility. End of subject. And don’t look back.

Daddysgirl2017;; holy crap!What a stinking mess! Yes old people can be MEAN!! why is he picking on only you?? Leave your daughter to do it for awhile and she'll see how difficult he is.....tell her to let you see the POA papers this is YOUR HOUSE!! does dad pay RENT ?everybody has to pay rent...If not then tell your daughter to have dad live with her ....this is a HOT MESS sorry to hear....but I've seen this before with other family's, maybe a nurseing home is best or assisted liveing...

Daddysgirl; if you never saw a hard copy of POA papers she could be lying !and just to get her hands on his money !anyhow you have TWO separate packets 1 for medical POA &1 for durable POA ,and they must be notarized & signed in front of a witness a attorney prepares this and it's kinda am ordeal! If you think she's not POA then YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER which makes you IN CHARGE!!!

Daddysgirl;sorry I thought of something else...others are right you do NOT have to be abused ,you Do Not have to keep him in your house ,he needs a nurseing Home ! & YOUR DAUGHTER ;SHAME ON HER !!!! you do not turn on family in a time of need it's supposed to pull you all closer!!!calling the police ,cops do not have time for such B.S. !!!SHAME ON HER!!