What to do for the holidays?

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What to do for the holidays?

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My mother in law is in a nursing home close by her son an only child, she has gotten angry because she hasn’t been to our house since she has been here. My husband said at Christmas time she can come over. The problem is she is on a wheelchair because she falls easily and we live in a stilt home in the FL keys so you have to climb steps. The other problem is she just doesn’t know when to go to the bathroom and I’m sorry but I just don’t feel like cleaning a couch after this☹️ I feel so confused on what to do and my husband and I are fighting because of all of this. Does anyone else have this problem?

Care Decisions Mom Skilled Nursing Facility

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When my mother was in a nursing home and was completely unable to do anything physically we still brought her home for holiday visits. This required someone to transfer her in and out of wheelchair at the car, doing all lifting and placing of her. She wore an adult diaper while home which was changed at some point during the visit, requiring her to be transferred onto a bed and back into wheelchair. If you and your husband can make a plan for safely lifting his mom up the stairs into your home, and she’s either able to go to the bathroom or agree to an adult undergarment for the visit, it’s doable. If she can’t be safely lifted up the stairs, or would feel insecure in this, or you can’t work out a bathroom plan that is good for all then it’s not doable. In our case, my mother loved her home and missed it terribly, so it was worth the hassle to bring her there as often as we could make it happen

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I'm curious, what is your husband's solution to getting her up the stairs and into your home?

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To add to my answer/question:
If your dH actually has a reasonable plan to get her there and into the house then as Daughterof1930 pointed out the toileting issues are not insurmountable, point out that lots of women younger than her use an incontinence pad or brief when they are out for the day and remind her to go in and "freshen up" when she arrives and before the meal.

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I honestly don’t see how you could possibly get a wheelchair bound person into you stilt home. If your husband has a plan I’d love to hear it. Carrying her is just not an option. Even if he were 6’6 and she was 75 lbs.
The incontinence is simple enough as long as she agrees. Have the staff put her in a pull up. Go with him to pick her up and make sure you ask the staff or physically check if she’s in a clean one before you leave with her. Arrive early to ensure time to check this.
Lay a blanket across your car seats and furniture. All of the furniture, so as to look natural. You could put a towel underneath it too just in case it would leak and for your peace of mind.
I understand mother in law issues!! Believe me I do. But ultimately this is his mom and he wants and needs this time with her at Christmas. Be thankful it’s only this one day! It’s just not a battle I would take on with your spouse over this one visit. Surely he feels guilty about her not seeing your place. Sounds like she’s made sure of this. Guilt tripping mothers are extremely effective at this.
I learned a whole lot about my MIL and my husband in two years of living with my MIL.
If your furniture would get soiled, I would calmly and matter of factly buy new furniture.
Maybe all your husband really wants from you is your willingness to try to do this for him. Once he has your blessing he’ll quickly realize this is an impossible request. I’m picturing lots of wooden small stairs at least 6 to 10 feet up to get to your place.
Then what if there was emergency with her? How would the squad get her down? Unless he can build a ramp or install and elevator I just don’t see it happening.
So give your blessing and do try to make it a nice visit for the two of them. Limit the time for her well-being due to the incontinence to no more than 4 hours start to finish. Unless he and she are ok with her being changed by him and you have a bathroom and a door large enough to accommodate the wheelchair too. Good grief, that’s a whole lot of work just for a location.
A better idea would be to find a restaurant or some other place and spend time with her that way. Go to the nursing home and have Christmas there.
One of our families in the nursing home, recently made a day of having their loved one give gifts to the staff with cards with lotto tickets and a large throw to each of us. Lol they’re very wealthy though. But simply giving out chocolates or cookies is a nice gesture that she may enjoy.
Buy her a small Christmas tree for her room and help her decorate it and exchange gifts. Whatever their old tradition was try to simulate it there.
I’m really thinking he’d rather you be the obstacle then for him to have to tell her it just can’t happen because of her wheelchair. I don’t know you two but your posted information has me wondering if that’s the case? Guilt tripping moms are really difficult to deal with directly, perhaps you’re easier to pick a fight with? Hang tight and refuse to be the bad guy here.
Best wishes!
Let us know how it goes.

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Um.....surely MIL did not end up in her current condition overnight.

How often did MIL visit your home (wherever you might have lived) in the past 5 years? Past 2 years? Past 1 year?

This sounds like classic case MAMA DRAMA. The only body part that hasn’t given out is her mouth, and she’s going in for the kill: holiday guilt.

She asks her only son for the almost-impossible, and won’t let it drop.

Why? For the attention.

When? Christmas - of course!

OK - Let’s pretend you have a elevator and a budget to replace your furniture and a handyman on retainer who will widen your bathroom doorway tomorrow.

What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?

Or will MIL enter with a recitation of foods she cannot eat (everything you are serving).... and complain about your dog.... and take issue with the temperature of your house.... and demand to know why some moldy ornament from 1951 isn’t on your tree?

This is a tough one. Maybe say yes, and let the old bird ruin your furniture and ruin your day. Afterwards, you’ll have some leverage for the (much-needed) come-to-Jesus convo with your husband.

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Blackhole,
You said:
"What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?"

That should be the criteria for any guest....coming into our homes.
This crossed my mind over the last 30 days of my suffering and wondering if I could take it from a certain visitor. My mind said: "But they are not a very good guest", and I passed that thought by, continued to suffer.

Outcome: Everyone was on their best behavior out in public, at a restaurant.

I will remember your comment in 2019!

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Remember a mother can never be replaced no matter her state of being. You wouldn't want your husband to resent you if this is the last Christmas with his mother. We really never know. Put her on disposable briefs and enjoy your day with your family. Sometimes we have to sacrifice being uncomfortable for the ones we love. It's just ONE day!

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Not everyone has a loving relationship with their mother and every day could be anyone's last. The husband could far more easily visit his mother elsewhere but as I suggested, get some hired help to attend to her needs with the steps and potential for incontinence. Although it's "just ONE day" it could literally be the last day if someone gets injured with the steps be it the daughter in law or the mother in law or even the son.

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My wife will be 59 this month. She has been hospitalized or in a NH for the past 14 months. She is wheelchair bound, but sometimes transfers herself from wheelchair to bed and or toilet and reverse. However, because she is stubborn and will not call for help, she has fallen on average of 2 times a week since September.

Whenever I visit, she expects me to do all the moving her. ( I injured my back in 1996 and have been on disability since. 3 failed back surgeries I am 64 and limited in what I can lift.

She says she is coming home for an overnight visit Christmas. I don't think I can handle this. I am also afraid that once she is back in the home, she will refuse to leave.

I have missed visiting her less then 10 days since October 2017 and usually spend a minimum of 4 hours with her, When she has been hospitalized or first moved back to the NH sometimes as much as 18 hours. I also have a learning disabled 18 YO boy at home. He visits with her at least 2 times a week.

What to do?

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Your mom sounds like my dad in reading your first paragraph!! Garylee, you should post your question on your own post so you will get lots of help. But your mom can’t force you to bring her and No is an ok answer. Holidays will never be the same. I gave up that illusion after last year when my dad was wheelchair bound in the NH. This year we are going to visit him there and that’s that. Just say No mom, not this year, maybe next. Use a therapeutic fib of some sort and say you’re remodeling the bathroom or kitchen or something. Have plumbing issues. Have dinner with her there or take dinner to her. You actually have control over this not her. You just need to realize it and make a firm decision and be ready with your answer.

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If it’s MIL, tell hubby she’s his to clean up after, if he wants her over. The problem is a complex one which, sometimes, must be handled with a simple answer! Enough of women doing all the world’s dirty (& unpaid) work!!

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Had a very similar situation with Mom in nursing home. Would have been nice to let her visit home but would have faced all of your issues. We used one of the lounge rooms at the nursing home, made all the usual Christmas foods, invited a few other relatives to join us. My aunt was also in same facility, so of course she and some of her immediate family were included. All of us together sort of took some of " the sting" out of the situation. Was my mom's last Christmas, we tried our best. It helps if you bring some " hooch" along. Good luck, it's hard.

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Last Christmas my dad was declining rapidly so instead of bringing him to my house my sister and I went to his AL brought some treats a few small gifts and spent time with him there. He was in a wheelchair which wouldn’t have been an issue at my house but toileting may have been. I’m not sure if he understood it was Christmas to begin with.

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As for protecting the furniture, purchase the disposable pads they sell for the beds and place on the couch/chairs/car seat/ under a blanket incase the disposable underwear leaks. She never has to know. Be accommodating to your husband, but make it clear he must have a plan for getting her in and out of the house that does not involve you (save your back)! Beyond that be as accommodating as possible and he just may realize you have been right all along!

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You've received some truly helpful responses, most of which focus on you being able to say "no"... Please understand that whatever decision you make, you will have uncomfortable feelings... Situations like this have no perfect solution where everyone is happy and satisfied. We have to look at the greater good. As people have mentioned, that even if you could get her into your home... maybe hiring an ambulette and their drivers carry her in, and out, and you hire an aide to be with her all day to help with bathroom needs, etc. there will be stress and tension.
If you decide to bring your Christmas celebration to her NH, there will be upset (on her part) and maybe disappointment and guilt, so you now get to decide which feelings you are willing to deal with and process.
remember, it's not our feelings that get us into trouble, it's our actions... Choose the actions that will be for your greater good and for the greater overall good of your holiday celebrations. Recognize that there is no perfect solution, just the one you and your husband can live with in the best possible way...
I wish you ease, and the ability to enjoy Christmas... and we breathe...

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You don’t say if MIL has dementia, just she is wheelchair bound and incontinent. If she does have dementia, trips outside their comfort zone can have a bad effect and cause more confusion. But if she is of “relatively” sound mind, I might bite the bullet on this one for your hubbys sake.

To me the deciding factor is his plan to get her up the stairs and through the house in the wheelchair safely. Can she actually walk up stairs with people on each side? The nursing home PT department can tell you what is a safe way to do it. Tell them that stairs are involved and they will give you a little training to do it safely. In fact at Moms NH the family has to be trained by PT in transferring and authorized in their records to remove a wheelchair resident in a private vehicle (vs a transport van) This only takes an hour but has to be set up in advance...not as you’re wheeling her out the door. Maybe you could ask DH to check on this now, and then the 2 of you can decide if it’s doable. And of course if PT decides it’s unsafe, they will be the bad guys, not you.

The rest of her issues could be manageable, not fun but manageable, and may help your DH to have his Mom with him at Christmas, before she inevitably declines further. He may decide not to do it again.

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Are your steps open or solid? Open are dangerous. Her foot could slip thru and throw her off balance. My husband always feels if there is a will theres a way. I have been able to prove him wrong after he tries to do something I tell him won't work. He is stubborn.

If Mom doesn't know when she has to go, doesn't the NH have her in Depends? I can't imagine they strip her down all the time and redress her. Maybe they do the every two hour thing and it works. I would stipulate she needs to wear a Depend. Have the staff have her go before you leave. Sometime during her stay, I would have her go. I like the not more than 4 hour thing for the length of her visit. Dementia or not, the elderly tire easily.

I also like Rockets suggestion on talking to the PT and see if its doable then they are the bad guys if they say no. If husband does this, I would suggest getting two strong men to help.

Furniture...put cushions in a black trash bag. Then cover with a blanket. Tucking it in so it looks like part of the couch.

Husband needs to learn not to promise Mom anything. She is a NH for a reason. It should always be, "we will see how you are by then". Because one day she may be OK, the next day not.

I think if husband goes thru with this, he won't do it again. Don't say I told you so.😊 Please get back to us and tell us how things turn out.

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Ah, but she can be angry...well, it sounds like since it is his house as well, she will get to come over. I would let him handle it all then. How is he going to get her up the stairs? Is he prepared to deal with the bathroom issues? My terms if in that situation would be that he makes the arrangements, that I am not risking hurting myself by helping her up/down the stairs, define the time range of the visit, have a protective pad on the couch seating area and cover it with a sheet or something. You might also, if there are resources in your area and you have the finances for it, hire someone to help with it including the bathroom issues. Does she have any cognitive issues? I mean, the reality here is that she is unsteady and falls, and she wants to risk it by coming over....

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We are in a similar situation this year. My mom is wheelchair bound and incontinent. Instead of doing our usual Christmas Day celebration with my parents at my house my siblings and I are each choosing different evenings to go have dinner with them at the memory care facility where they live. We reserved the private dining room for each visit and made the room feel like Christmas. This way my parents have the celebrations spread out over a few different days and we all get to spends quality time with them. It is not about where you celebrate the holiday but more that you are with your loved ones in my opinion.

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I love that your family has worked out a sometimes tricky situation! Spreading it out is perfect as sometimes having the big gang there at once is too overwhelming for them, and the actual day of getting together becomes less and less important. Kudos for getting over the idea it all has to happen on Christmas.

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I would insist that she wear depends or something similar if she comes, also I would put some waterproof pads down for her. So far as getting her in the house your husband can carry her up the stairs with the wheelchair waiting at the top or he can rent a ramp to make it easier on himself.

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Have you seen the stairs on these stilt homes? I would not carry anyone up them.

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I think you can have her join some of the Christmas festivities without having to take the whole burden on yourself, you just need a little preparation and delegation. First she is your husbands mom and I'm sure you can understand his desire to have her around even if it was mainly driven by wanting to make her happy at Christmas (probably more to it than that) but that doesn't mean it's up to you to figure out the obstacles any more than presenting them as barriers to making it happen at all. Let DH arrange for who else should help him get Mom and her wheelchair into the house, this will also help decide what time and event she should join you for. As far as the incontinence, she should be wearing disposable incontinence under garments as well as have a pad or two on the chair under her. My suggestion would be to keep her in her chair while she is there, for her comfort and safety as well as everyone else's, opens up seating for others, no need to make transfers and if you or someone else has this relationship with her to save her any embarrassment from her possible incontinence. Maybe a favorite nurse at her residence even could "suggest" this to her as a tool for keeping things private and controlled. Wherever she is sitting though she should be sitting on pads and is probably used to that at the NH. Even if the incontinence undergarments are an added layer for her if presented well and you offer a comfortable, no show option it shouldn't be a hard sell because of the extra protection it offers so she wont have to worry about remembering and getting herself to the bathroom frequently, she can eat drink and be merry while enjoying her family time. Yes she will need to change the underwear and depending on how self sufficient she is once she get's into the bathroom maybe you can enlist another female family member to be in charge of supervising this if you aren't comfortable doing it or she isn't as comfortable with her DIL doing it, an easy out is that as the hostess you are afraid you will forget or not be available when needed and it would be much better for her if someone else were just in charge of that.

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My initial thought is to take her out to a nice lunch and then a drive just to enjoy the view. I did that before and the couple really enjoyed it. As far as the restroom issue, I’m surprised she’s not in briefs she needs to wear them. If she refuses, I would say treat her with respect but also, As in a stubborn child, hold firm until she does what you need her to do she’s not allowed to come over. I am qualified to say that because I cared for a couple that both had dementia for five years. Occasionally when I was met with stubborn behavior that was completely unreasonable I simply held my ground with loving firmness and I did my best not to embarrass them when I got compliance. We just did it and moved onkeeping my focus positively on other things Good luck!

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Very tough situation and both you & your husband are good people. My parents are gone, but I would find possibly something else to with your mother other than take her home. Maybe a restaurant on Christmas day or something of value. Christmas breakfast or dinner at a restaurant can be memorable. Make it a nice moment for her and help her celebrate the holiday in some way. It's going to take some thought, but It's an act of love, and acts of love go a long, long way.

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I got really ticked yesterday when an aid at my mother's NH asked if I were taking her home for Christmas. Really? When you know she's in a wheelchair, I've been going to PT for months because I hurt my shoulders trying to assist her in the NH, we spent last Christmas, New Years and the next few weeks in the hospital? Take her home where I live alone and couldn't get her in the car or house or ever leave her alone for a few minutes? I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life trying to get some of my life back, and you think I should take her home? We will be starting on the 5th year of this soon and my life has revolved around my mother who was selfish, mean, & vindictive. Fortunately the strokes have left her happier than the last 30-40 years and I'm thankful to God. There was always a good part of mom and I'm glad I have gotten to experience it again. I'm just praying we stay out of the hospital for Christmas!

Visit on Christmas, then go home & chill!!

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Really, that aide should have known better and hopefully didn't say it in front of Mom. They know there r residents who cannot be taken out safely.

I always use the aides to assist Mom. I hated toileting. I guess I could have helped her at the AL but She was paying big bucks for aides to care for her. So I always got an aide when needed, I also tried to make things a little easier for them when I could.

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If you go through with this, make her 100% his problem. He can figure out how to get her in the house, she needs to wear Depends, and he changes her if she needs changing. He doesn't want to do all that? Gee, too bad Mom can't come visit for Christmas. I get that's his mother, but you shouldn't be uncomfortable in your home. There are other options besides trying to carry her up the stairs, like having Christmas somewhere else. I have a guilt-trippy MIL too. Luckily my husband does see it and does shut her down, as do I. The older I get the less tolerance I have for BS. Dealing with the ultimate travel agent for guilt trips will do that to you and I'm only 42 years old.

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Spot on, Spoiledpets.

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Easiest answer....take Christmas to her even if it is only you and she. The important thing is YOU took the time for her.

My husband gets irritated that I don't put him first (men are and always will be children and act like it. He gets worse the older he gets!). I tell him he doesn't have a clue about what and how I feel about having my Mom disappear before my eyes and everything I MUST DO because I am her guardian/conservator. He never had to deal with anything like what I'm going through and my siblings back home don't even really try to visit Mom on a regular basis. They have her, I travel from TX to AZ to take care of everything AND if I'm lucky, I get about an hour with her/step-father.

Eexcuse me as I don't know the inner workings of your relationship, but me, I do not have a problem telling my husband where he can go and what to do when he gets there. UNTIL he walks in my shoes....SHUT UP and go your own way if you need.

Therapy has really helped me to get my voice back that I didn't even realize I had lost.

47 yrs of marriage and still counting because he says it's cheaper to keep me😁.

Make your stand and follow through. You maybe surprised that your husband will just stand against the wall with his jaw on the floor when you walk through that door to visit your Mother!

Merry Christmas!!

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My husband used to say "I worry about you" when I would forget something. Really! We had Mom 24/7 for 20 months. Then an AL/NH for year. Me having to remember what I needed to do for her. Doctor appts for both her and disabled nephew. POA for both. Yes! I forgot. Stress will do that to you. I overwhelm easily.

In all of this, we do make time to do things together. When Mom was with us, after a year, I placed her in daycare. It gave us time to do things for ourselves.

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What about you and your husband (extended family, too if applicable) having lunch or dinner w/MIL in the nursing home. That's what my husband and I plan to do w/my mother who is 100. We will bring in three bottles of beer so we can have a toast and, if she's in a good place, will take her out for a ride. Maybe not traditional, but I want to spend Christmas with my mother. Good luck!

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Hi Nicole0807,
I face the same problem with my brother. It's funny because I live on an Island also. In order to get into my apartment there is a flight of cement stairs, from there it is 3 easy flights. My brother is in a wheelchair. He frequents the bathroom every 10 minutes because of the amount of fluid meds. Soooo, in order for him to come to my home I call the Fire Department. They put him in a special chair, strap him in and carry him up. Mind you, he is no light weight either. When it's time for him to leave, I call them and they take him down. Check with your Fire Department - they may offer this service too. (I always make a ton of cookies and cakes for them.) As far as your Mom's potty issue - if she won't wear depends I would put one of those water proof pads where ever she will be sitting. I am wondering if you slipped a depend into her panties if she would catch on to it...
One of MY issues is feeling guilty not taking him out on Christmas. This year we are going to the nursing home Christmas Eve. I reserved the dining room - so will bring dinner as well. The holidays are a struggle in many ways.
Best of luck. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

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Thank you so much, many don’t understand the dilemma for getting someone up the stairs☹️ And our fire department is way to busy this time of year and short staffed, I couldn’t put that on them right now

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Go visit her in the NH or let hubby figure out how she’s getting up the steps.
Yes, the fire department will come do a “lift assist”... I know because my husband, son, and I are all volunteer members of our town fire company. BUT... for anyone who needs this- I’d suggest calling the non-emergency number. (Otherwise it comes to our house’s “active 911” pager as an emergency and we literally RUN with blue lights to the station and respond with an engine)
as far as your couch, I cover my cushions with plastic, then put a nice blanket over it when my dad comes. He tends to have leaky Depends. It’s not worth the argument at the holidays, which are stressful enough. If hubby is insisting that mom comes for a few hours, let him get her into the house, plan the meal, cook, clean, and refresh the couch after she leaves. It might be less appealing to him once he figures out he’s on his own.
Enjoy the holidays!!!

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I understand the dilemma. I have a similar situation. My mom is 98 and in a nursing home. She is wheelchair-bound. She is aware that Christmas is right around the corner and she has always been part of our celebration in years past. But two years ago she fell and broke her hip and it never healed strong enough for her to stand on it. My house is not wheelchair friendly...especially the bathroom. My mom does not know she has bathroom problems. She is in denial. Yes, she wears depends but incontinence is not the problem. It is her bowls. That is NOT an easy thing to clean up. The past two years we brought the party to her. She seems to have a good time. It is busy, yes, but I have found this is best for me. When she used to come to my house I was so preoccupied in taking care of her and catering to her constantly that no one had a good time. I was a nervous wreck by the time the afternoon was over.
I feel guilty but I know that for my own sanity I just can’t do it. My husband and I have given her 47 years of attention for every holiday and now I feel it is time to take a step back. We are not forgetting her on Christmas....we will visit her at her place.
Your husband has to figure out if it would be worth it if something happened to her and she fell and broke something! Live with that! Enjoy Christmas and visit her at her facility. Make it a party!

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Thank you so much!! The best amazing have found, I appreciate it and Merry Christmas to you!

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If you have the ability to safely transport her to your home, don't you have an area at ground level where you could entertain MIL for a while? It's not like you're all going to be freezing outside in the snow, right? She could stay in her wheelchair, which can be equipped with pads in case she exceeds the capacity of her undergarments.

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I thought the same thing but she wants to see the house, has never seen it.

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visit my DW in rehab. Hold her hand and feed her. Assist in changing her underwear and daily grooming. Cry if I need to.

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You are a good hubby. Deep down she knows your there.

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Many NHs have planned events even on Christmas day. Bring the presents and have a lovely visit there.

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Thank you! We may do this

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