Hi everyone. I'm really at a loss. My husband moved my father-in-law in with us after he had a hospital stay for 11 days for a UTI and kidney infection. He was diagnosed with delirium in the hospital and discharged to us. The doctors said it would clear up, but it's been 2 weeks now and his memory is still bad, he still get confused. He forgets where his room is, if he washed his hands after using the bathroom, if he even went to the bathroom that day. He is incontinent. We found poop on the carpet of his room this morning. He then went upstairs in the same clothes and sat all over the couches and chairs upstairs. We made a whole basement apartment for him with a fridge, microwave, bed, TV, recliner, couch, his own bathroom with shower and all the supportive equipment, got him a rollator for walking. He won't use the rollator. I put up signs saying where the bedroom is and where the bathroom is so he wouldn't get lost in the basement. We even put a baby gate up at the bottom of the stairs and a sign saying not to climb the stairs, as he is a falls risk. He just ignores the signs and climbs over the gate to get upstairs 2-3 times a day.
My husband wants to keep him at our home and care for him. I feel like I just can't do it. I am 27 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and we also have a 4 year old son that I am taking care of while my husband gives his father medications 3 times a day, showers him and gives him food. I help as best I can with doing laundry cleaning the upstairs and cooking. However, I can't imagine living like this when the baby comes and having to constantly clean surfaces as I'm not sure if father in law will remember to wash his hands after using the bathroom.
For now I have decided to stay at my parents’ home for a few days to get a break and calm down. My blood pressure is high, my sugar is high, I'm constantly crying from all this stress. My husband is mad at me for leaving and says I don’t care about him and the stress he is under. I always ask him how he is doing, that we need more help and that I'm worried he will burn out. He has not once asked how I'm feeling or how the baby is doing. Am I bad person for wanting a break and leaving for a few days?
As it stands, I just don't see myself going back there like this. Is there any advice on what to do next?
Doctors, nurses, and social workers are taught to lie and do so everyday. They do what's best for the institution that employs them. Maximizing profit is the top priority, not the patient.
I was a caregiver for 25 years. I couldn't even tell you how many times I've heard some social worker or nurse making all kinds of promises of unlimited "resources" and caregiver help in the home if they take the sick, needy elder in or keep them.
Big pack of lies.
You do yourself a favor and stay at your parents house for as long as you can. Have your baby there too if needs be. Your husband has to see for himself what having his father living with him is really like because he doesn't know yet. You have been the one doing it all. You're the one who cleans up the sh*t off the floor, does his disgusting laundry, cooks the meals, and babysits him.
You can't have a newborn living with a demented elder who needs a babysitter themselves 24/7. Or in a home that's a bio-hazzard because there's sh*t all over the place and I'm sure it stinks to he high heavens too. You can't bring a baby into that.
Stay at your parents house until your husband makes another living arrangement for your FIL.
1. Don’t believe them (Discharge, social worker)…no guarantee that they’ll promptly get you help, find placement, etc…the urgent impetus to help your loved one evaporates once they’re no longer taking up strapped hospital resources.
2. Council your family accordingly. If your loved one comes home, you’re back where you started, if not worse, in terms of care needs. And it would be all on you for making/managing appointments, transport, and the many hours/day in between for care (if the person is home with you). Get the critical problems addressed while the person is IN the hospital.
3. Tell the hospital no, absolutely not. Can’t come back because you can’t care for him/her, and it would be a unsafe discharge. No waffling, they can scent weakness ;)
You have to take care of you and the children as your first priority.
If your husband can not get himself to understand the above perhaps going to a marriage counselor together can help him to realize this situation has to change.
Good Luck .
Obviously your FIL's delirium is not improving. He probably has dementia. It will not get better.
Your husband needs to figure out what is more important: his pregnant wife and child or his father. He can't have everyone living in the same house.
He may be mad at the situation, have feelings of obligation to his Father, be fearful of saying No to housing him & now will attempt to guilt his wife into returning.
In other words, to make HIS bad decision work out - for HIM.
The swoop in to be helpful (the hero) is very very common. Comes from a good place - a quick re-action instead of a thought out plan.
A quick-thinking hero man is a good thing! BUT so is a well thought longer term plan that suits the WHOLE household.
The Husband will need to take responsibility that this was HIS offer to help/hero.
Therefore also his reponsibility to either DO it, UNDO it or face the consequences.
Sounds like dementia is involved, since you set up a full area for FIL to use that he ISN'T staying in! You can't have FIL contaminating the rest of your house, where a vulnerable pregnant wife, 4 yr old and new baby will live! FIL may already have dementia before the recent infection, not just delirium. Call the Doctor back to tell him FIL is not any better! Discharge will tell you anything to get him out of hospital.
Your husband is "mad you left and says you don't care about him?" He's blaming YOU now? Tell him his own wife and child come first, not his demented, stubborn Dad! Were you two aware of the disaster that would would happen, before even allowing it? Or did the hospital sucker you into taking him?
Best to stay away until husband wakes up and gets his Dad placed in Rehab.
FIL staying there is major stress for you both. Your husband probably never dealt with senior caregiving issues until this one. His main priority should be his wife, child and new baby on the way! FIL needs to be in a facility, especially being incontinent. It will only get WORSE, not better.
Your intentions were good, but FIL may have been hiding his dementia before he got sick. Where did he live before his hospital visit? I would NOT return home until FIL is out, since husband sounds stubborn and needs a serious wakeup call.
Dawn, couldn't agree more.
I am EXTREMELY thankful that you have left.
Few have the courage to do so.
This gentleman has no diagnosis and no prognosis and yet your husband thinks it is fine for him to stay and for the two of you to care for him in your home. Well, as that is his choice, let him render the care.
Please see an attorney right away to insure division of finances. I greatly fear your husband will withdraw any financial support from you. Get a legal separation rather than throwing your life away on the funeral pyre of your husband's father.
I am sorry to think this is the only advice I can have for you, but your running from this lets me know that there's little other choice.
Stay with your parents as long as you can. There is no way you can live at home with FIL there and your husband insisting that you should accept the conditions FIL creates. Tell husband that you'll come home after he gets rid of FIL. You have to mean it. You can't approach this as if you are the weak one in the relationship, even though husband appears to think you are. Look at it this way: You have the power because you have the kids. You don't need to be at home because you have a place to stay with your parents. This is a position of strength. A way to make it stronger would be to make sure you have some of the marriage assets in your possession - money from bank accounts, for instance.
I'm not saying you need to divorce. I'm saying you have to appear and be stronger than your husband. You're fighting for your children's future, your marriage, your health, your stability, and your home. If those things mean anything to your husband, he will find another place for FIL to live.
I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. It wouldn't hurt to book a consultation with a divorce lawyer. It's usually free, and it would let husband know you mean business. You'd be able to learn what resources exist to help you in this awful situation.
Good luck, and I hope I've given you some things to think about.
You say no.
Your actions say no.
Then you wait.
"My husband wants to keep him at our home and care for him".
Wait until he changes his mind.
Wait until he learns what he needs to;
1. You can CARE about someone without being their personal attendant. There are many ways to show care.
2. Someone OFFERS their help.
You cannot insist or force them.
3. Your spouse is a SEPARATE person. They are free to say no. They can leave if you do not listen or respect their 'no'.
Avm, you leaving for was an excellent choice. For your health, your baby's health, and for your DH to LEARN these things.
A married man who stays unlearned/unchanging may find himself a single man.
A single man, who lost his wife & children yet still has that parent needing round the clock care.
Hands-on experience is the best teacher.
(PS As a teen I watched my own father go through this. It came from a place of caring for his parent. It came from a big sense of family duty - something to admire. He just had to learn that 'respecting one's elder' does not mean being their care-servant above all other responsibilities)
You can not afford health wise to continue the caregiving tasks.
You need to have a sit-down-heart- to-heart talk with your husband and tell him this can not continue.
Your FIL has dementia ..diagnosed as such or not and he will NOT improve.
He can not read signs or reminders, if he does read he probably can not process the meaning.
Your husband needs to accept this fact and begin to make plans to transition him into Memory Care or find another family member that is better equipped to care for him.
OH, I almost forgot the "What do I do" part of your question.
You do what you have done, you go stay with a friend or relative.
If your husband does not see that you can not manage a household, a toddler and an infant then your next step is to consult an attorney. (maybe a therapist before the attorney if your husband is willing to go)
I’d suggest that you consider quitting the sympathy for DH’s stress (it doesn't help either of you) and start being clearer about the future. DH has to work out where FIL will go, because sharing your house with him is not a possibility.
One practical option for DH might be to put FIL into respite care for a month. It provides a chance to see how FIL stablises, and gives you two a chance to calm down and reconsider the whole thing.
Personally, if your husband can't be a responsible husband and FATHER, I'd kick him and his father out of your house and tell both of them to go find a cozy little apartment together somewhere, just the two of them, where HE can clean up the chit show alone and see how HE likes it. You've already got too much to handle as it is.
God bless you and good luck with all of this stress HE is putting on YOU.
I would not go back until your FIL has moved out and is somewhere safe and taken care of 24/7 more than likely assisted living facility or nursing/memory facility.
Right now your top priority has to be yours and your baby's health. Period. End of conversation.
And if your husband is either too stupid or blind to see that, well maybe he's not the man for you.
I'm sorry that your husband has put you in this situation with no forethought about how this would affect you and your unborn baby. It's so very inconsiderate I find it hard to fathom.
Time for a heart to heart with hubby and let him know that this nonsense has to end now, or he will be on his own with his father here on out.
I hope that he will be the man you need him to be and put you and your children before his father.
And if he doesn't, well that tells you all you need to know, and sadly it will be time to move on without him.