What to do if my stepbrother/sister are sabotaging efforts to sell the house to pay for care for dad/stepmom with dementia and I suspect greed is a motivator?
I'm dealing with a very difficult family issue in trying to provide care for my dad. My dad has been remarried for 40+ years to a woman named Jutta who has 2 children Steven & Debbie. I have always struggled to get along with them because they have a very toxic dysfunctional dynamic which scared me off. No family is perfect, certainly not my own either. But this was really difficult to be around. Debbie struggles w/ a constant cycle of addiction and rehab, and pathological lying. Steven is a malignant narcissist bully with alcohol, marijuana and gambling issues. This is not an exaggeration... people who know him agree. They can be very nasty, vindictive and manipulative. So, I've always steered clear of them as much as possible and spent time with my dad separately.
In Sept. my dad had his first stroke because he refused to take his medications. This caused a mild slur, right side weakness, and the beginnings of Vascular Dementia. Debbie was coming out on weekends long before the stroke to help them take care of their house since they weren't able to any more. No one told me this. My dad & Jutta moved 3 hrs away during Covid, so I didn't see my dad as often. I appreciate that Debbie did do a lot for them, but she also spent an enormous amount of time at the casino gambling. The house was truly horrifically filthy to the point of being a health hazard.... so I'm not sure how much help was really happening, but I still appreciate what she did. Steve never helps with anything, ever, but would come visit so he could gamble. After the stroke, I strongly advocated for them to move into a senior community because I saw that Jutta had full blown dementia, which I didn't know. Dad always said she doing fine. Debbie originally agreed it was needed, but then later denied it to Steven. Steven chewed me out w/ nasty phone calls and many text messages informing me that I wasn't a part of their family, they would take care of them by coming on weekends and I wasn't welcome there. I warned him that my dad would stop taking his meds again, and then he would have a bigger stroke, or die. If he didn't die, he would be so impacted that he would have to go into full Assisted Living and not an independent senior living community, and then we'd have a gun to our heads w/ no time to plan or adjust to the change. They would not listen. My dad would not even discuss it, and got very angry. I'm ashamed to say I gave up, but I had no other choice. My dad is VERY stubborn, and Steve & Debbie were egging him on.
I was right. My dad had a bigger second stroke six months later, which is this month. He stopped taking his meds again, and would lie to me about it every time I called. Jutta stopped taking hers meds too, and her dementia progressed. My dad now has dysphasia (scrambled words), is very weak, and now has significant Vascular Dementia. They absolutely cannot live on their own, and the doctors all recommend Assisted Living. Sadly, my dad opted not to sign up for LTC insurance (his job offered it), has very little savings and a fixed income... not anywhere near enough to hire a Home Care Aide so they can live at home.
So now the only option to pay for their care is to sell their house, which they own outright, thankfully. I have Medical POA for my dad, and Steven's wife Marianne has Financial POA. I was asked to do financial too, but didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie. Given both their history, nobody trusted them w/ anything financial. Marianne is a good, stable person who has their best interests at heart, so it made sense. Steven &Debbie are fighting us at every turn about selling the house, even tho it's the only option. They're very verbally abusive to Marianne and making an overwhelming, bad situation a hundred times worse. Meanwhile they have done zero to help with Jutta & Dad, or even visited him! I think it's about greed. They want to inherit the house. Marianne keeps caving in to keep the peace. I'd be grateful for any advice!
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You probably need to talk to an elder atty to find out what your options are to ensure home is used for care for dad/his wife. Assisted living is usually a self pay facility type place - and it indicates they can pretty much handle day to day living with not much hands on care by staff. If they really need in-home care because of their medical needs, it may be time for NH care for both of them.
Their income and resources (like bank accts) would be considered on a Medicaid application if they don't have enough income to cover cost of NH care. With that application will be a MERP form (right for state to recover cost of NH later on). The house could be excluded as a countable asset when they move in to a NH facility, however at death the state will look at value of home that is listed in probate in order to recover money paid while they were in NH. The state would expect someone in the family to pay market value for the home and remit the money - or - sell the home for market value to reimburse.
So, you don't really have to sell the house right now to get them into a nursing home. If their income is low enough, they may qualify for Medicaid to help with the expense. Or, if they have enough income, they can just self pay the nursing home.
Bottom line is if there is not enough income coming in each month to hire enough help to keep them safe at home and there's no family member willing to take on full time caretaking duties, then they must be moved to some kind of facility care. If they are no longer safe, call adult protective to have them do evaluation of both of them and the living conditions of the house. Perhaps they can make a recommendation legally that gets things moving for Marianne. Elder atty can probably give you more detailed info as it pertains to your state.
Also, as medical POA I HOPE you told the hospital that sending Dad home is an unsafe discharge. Jutta cannot take care of him and you are too far away to do it. Once Dad goes into a SNF he will change his tune about them moving into an AL facility.
Hate to say it, but it looks like you might have to bully Marianne to give you the financial POA. Once you have that, "it's all over but the crying" as the saying goes. Sounds like you wear your Big Girl pants all the time. You'll have to tell Jutta's kids to butt out,, or better yet, ignore them.
I have a close friend with similar situation. Dad has dementia, needs more care; she's disabled. Her brother totally controls her and her dad's money and he will tell you how he wants to take care of his dad, but he really wants the money and the condo for himself. Brother wants to not sell Dad's condo for Dad's care. Bro has been spending dad's money and my friend's money. She's got brain injury and is passive.
Another friend had similar but the step mother turned her dad against all his kids after he developed dememtia. It was for the money.
And never use real names here.
After getting an attorney, see a therapist as this entire situation is very stressful for you and everyone concerned. You need to feel as whole and clear headed as possible in managing all this.
Gena / Touch Matters
Also...check to make sure her house is not a sheltered asset in a trust of some sort. I'm not an attorney, I just know there are ways to protect assets from Medicaid reimbursement.
You also could threaten to contest the POA by applying for guardianship over your father. Then YOU would have the power to place him in AL. You would have to hire a lawyer (or pro bono) and prove to a judge the POA is not acting in the principals best interest. Which sounds like to me would be a piece of cake.
If you are, encourage her to do so, because she's screwed no matter what she does and I'd just let Steven and Debbie blame you while moving on and doing what needs to be done.
If you aren't the designated back-up, then you may have to go for guardianship.
Thank you so, so much for the feedback, and taking the time to write me!! Sometimes you feel like the only person in the world dealing with this kind of craziness.
I definitely do stand up to them, and I'm not the least bit intimidated. I never look for a fight, but will always fight back if someone tries to bully me or someone I love. Problem is, Marianne is a very different personality and is the Financial POA, and she is Steven's wife. She hates him and wants a divorce but can't afford to leave. Also, she is just getting over Covid and was diagnosed with Long Haul Covid, so she is struggling healthwise. She got sick after the POAs were signed. I offered to take over the Financial POA, but so far she wants to keep it. Or is afraid of what Steve will do if she hands it over. I declined it originally because I didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie, or be accused of wrong doing. They tend to be paranoid and vindictive. Marianne is good, kind person and has Dad & Jutta's best interests at heart. However, she hates confrontation and will often waffle when Steve and Debbie bully her, and make her life hell. They know this and use it as leverage. I'm a really strong person, and won't take their crap or cower to their bullying, and this drives Steve crazy. How dare I --- I'm a female and should know my place! LOL They keep fighting selling the house and trying to postpone it despite the fact that my dad will be discharged this week from the rehab facility and has nowhere to go because we have no funds to pay for their care. He is 6'4", 240lbs and not someone we can lift etc. We can sell their car to buy a little time, but they have almost no savings.
Their reasons to not sell the house or postpone selling it are completely illogical. I kept wracking my brain to figure out WHY.... it makes no logical sense. Then it dawned on me.... they are hoping my dad will die first. If that happens (and it could) everything goes to Jutta his wife. I have no problem with that, I want nothing from them. However, Jutta has significant dementia and they can easily manipulate her to stay in her house, even though it isn't safe, and let her continue not to take her medications. etc. until she also dies, Then they inherit the house, and can blow the money on drugs, alcohol and gambling. It's just soooooo dark and disturbing.... maybe that's why it took me 3 weeks to think of it. My brain doesn't think like that, so it never occured to me. But, it's the only thing that makes sense. Can't prove it of course, but it's the only thing that makes sense. For some reason, they feel entitled to inherit the house. They don't want that money they feel entitled to spent on taking care of them when they need it most.
Legally those 2 would get to inherit the house but the FPoA needs to operate in the best interests of the parents, and is not. Maybe threaten them with a guardianship fight in court. Once you have guardianship you'll be able to sell the house and make all decisions. Respectfully, you need to show them you have a spine and aren't afraid of them. Do it through the legal system -- they won't be able to fight back. Your parents' funds can pay for it.