I'm POA of my former husband who is going on 82. He had a mild stroke a year ago but his health has gone downhill. I call him family because I'm all he has other than 2 kids, a daughter living 5 hrs away in another city and a son who works full time. The problem with the x is he's a hoarder and won't bathe, cuts his own hair. When he visits my dining room table has used toothpicks, tissue, small sticks picked up from the yard, his personal items, drives me crazy. He seldom ever showers, but will brush his teeth. The bed he sleeps on stinks as well as his body. My fear is having to take care of him. He's said he'd shoot himself before going into a nursing home. I care for the man but don't like him. What do you do about someone you care about but can't stand to be around more than 2 days? As I am typing this I see how crazy it sounds and how bad I need counseling, no one to confide in. Too many resentments from verbal abuse during the marriage. That's no longer the issue because I quit tolerating that years ago. Forgiven but not forgotten.
So, you need to say "No more visits if your are not cleaned up" Like said, ur Xs for a reason. U can also relinquish your POA. All that POA means is you can carry out his wishes when he no longer can. This means you will be able to pay bills and place him in an AL or LTC when he can no longer care for himself. It does not mean you physically need to care for him. It does not mean u need to be nice to him or take his abuse. You owe this person nothing. Are the children yours too or just his. If they r his, maybe its time to tell him he needs to ask one of them to be POA and revolk yours. If no one wants it, APS can be called in to investigate his situation if someone thinks he can no longer care for himself. The state can become his guardian. Then they make the decisions. He has made his bed, he will then have to lay in it.
Has he always been like this? My Ex always looked presentable. He kept his hair short and his beard trimmed. His cars were his babies. Clean inside and out. He was an organizer and kept his space clean. Until he retired. He died just before his 70th birthday from heart failure, Since he died alone in his home an autopsy was performed. Since my name was given as the person who knew how to contact his sister, the Coroner called me. The condition of my ex was so bad, the man thought he was homeless. When I told him who he had worked for, he was shocked. His/my daughter went to his house with her Aunt and said the smell was awful, beer cans up the walls...she felt he must have had a mental break. She never returned. This is a man who had a nice home and I think wife and daughter. Who missed out so much with a daughter who grew up to be a fun loving compassionate person. His priorities were so messed up but...this is how he wanted to live. He should have never married.
So, if you no longer want this man in ur life, find out how to revolk the POA, stop the visits and take ur life back. I have a friend who is probably killing herself caring for a man who probably doesn't even appreciate what she is doing for him.
As suggested, resign your position as proxy for him, don't let him emotionally manipulate you by threatening to kill himself, and move on.
If you don't, years later you'll look back on this time and ask why you didn't stop the manipulation earlier.
And, BTW, why doesn't he go to live with one of his adult children?
It's your life, enjoy it, w/o him since he's apparently not contributing anything positive.
And, I'm assume you're aware that someone that unclean may already have something of one sort or another that affects his health, and someday he might leave bugs, bacteria or something else in your home.
It is okay to set boundaries, it is your home not his.
I have an issue with house guests that disrespect the host and their home. For me, it means you don't get to come to my home. Sorry if you are having a rough time, but stinking up my house, my bed not okay. Peeing all over my bathroom, go home and don't darken my doorstep again.
You are not making the choice for him to not be welcome, he is. Shower and respect = a welcome to visit. No shower= no welcome, no respect = no welcome.
You are not his wife because he was verbally abusive, now he is being emotionally and mentally abusive by pushing himself on your hospitality. You don't have to accept being abused by him. That behavior is why he has nobody, but that doesn't obligate you to be someone for him.
No excuse for abuse, ever.
Take care of you and give him some brochures for local facilities. If he threatens to kill himself call 911 and tell them that he is a danger to himself and needs to be helped. They will take him to a psychiatric hospital and get him some help.
Telling you that he will kill himself is manipulation and abuse. I would never let him back in my door. He obviously feels comfortable abusing and using you.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but you can tell him no and not be his caregiver, it is okay. It doesn't make you a bad person or any less kind. Hugs and strength to you!
When my mother tells me she's going to jump out the window, I remind her she lives on the first floor so it won't do much damage to jump......I suggest she go up to the roof if she wants to kill herself. Don't agree to play that game, just like I don't agree to it with my mother.
You divorced him for a reason and now he's back in your life, again, and in even worse shape than before you dumped him the first time. Resign your post as POA and wish your EX all the best with his life. You are done. You DO have that right!
Don’t be manipulated by anyone.