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Mom is at home after 4+ months in rehab hospital. She has a hospital bed at home and she is wheelchair bound. She has a lack of mobility because of her obesity and osteoarthritis in her knees. She needs almost 24/7 care, but refuses to go back to rehab/nursing home because they force her to do physical therapy. She refused to set up home health (paid by Medicare) because she doesn't want to do the physical therapy. She is not getting up out of the hospital bed much at all and has no desire to get up and get going. She has two private pay caregivers/friends (one spends the night) who help her ($10-13/hr), and hired a professional caregiving agency 4-6 hours a day ($22/hr). I have helped her financially in the past, and she is expecting me to help her now also. I DO NOT feel I should help her financially if she is NOT WILLING to TRY to get better. She (nor the daughters) have the money to pay for all this private care. What is Mom thinking? And...I'm trying to keep peace with my marriage while taking care of my mom's needs.

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tbrown, since your Mom is able to think for herself, she is doing this to herself by free choice. Sounds like Mom is no living in the nursing home, and I assume she is back home, either at her house or with you.

Please note that whenever someone hires caregivers who are not part of a caregiving agency, your Mom would need to obtain a "workman's comp" insurance just in case either of the caregiver should get hurt on the job.

Otherwise, Mom would need to sign up for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Home care is limited with Medicaid as Medicaid has found it is not as expensive for them when they have a patient in a nursing home.

And no, no, no, it is not your responsibility to pay for your Mom's care. Any expense comes out of her social security if she receives that, and any other income she might receive. Stand firm on that, say "sorry, Mom, I just cannot possible pay for that". And try to ignore the guilt that comes along with saying "no".
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you do not have to help her financially - nor should you. you have children and your own retirement - if she runs out of money she can apply for Medicaid. As long as she can make bad decisions re PT they are hers to make. tough to watch I know.
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Yep, I agree FF. Mom is making choices that have consequences, they are all hers. Do not pay her consequences and if sibs enable her then inform them that they can step up and pay or be the caregiver. I have a selfish dad who by gum and golly is going to do it his way and then expects me to pay the consequences, if I'm to stupid to help make good choices then I am to stupid to pay the consequences. Sorry mom, you have to live within your means. No guilt, guilt implies that you did something wrong and as we all learned as little kids, if you make bad choices you pay the consequences, no one can pay for you. So please do not feel guilty about placing boundaries and holding them in place. I'm sorry for you that your spouse is not more supportive to you but maybe this is a long term pattern and she is actually giving you helpful, although hard to hear advise. You know the answer. Best of luck getting mom into a facility that can meet her needs.
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tbrown62, thanks for the extra information.... it is great to read where a grown child has all the right information regarding their parent. You are definitely armed with knowledge that will come in handy, even though your Mom disagrees.

To many times grown children unintentionally enable their parent to continue to live at home when, in fact, that parent now needs a village to take care of her. But the parent is in total denial. My own Mom was like that. Thankfully my Dad knew he couldn't manage without outside help.

So for the stubborn parent, we just wait for the next medical emergency where 911 is needed, trip to the ER, and a stay in the hospital. Past history will show your Mom refuses Physical Therapy at home. Chances are she may need to go into Rehab whether she likes it or not, or Medicare/Sub Insurance may decide not to pay for her care regarding this issue.

Here's hoping your Mom eventually starts to see reality that she does need the extra care.
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Oh by the way, she refuses to go because they make her, so she stays at home, not a need a want, just so you know.
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Umm, has your mom ever had a real workup for dementia? Not the "oriented to time, place and person" but an in depth examination of her cognitive and reasoning skills?

You would probably find that she no longer has any planning ability. She doesn't get how much money she needs and is no longer capable of making good choices.

I don't have any solutions, but if I were you, I'd get her on waiting lists for Nursing Homes you deem acceptable. The next time she's hospitalized, they may not let her sign herself out.
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Brown, tough love. If I were the family members caring for mom, I too, would stop. Just as you do not want to continue to pay for mom's supplies because of enablng, other family members do not want to enable her either. Sometimes it takes an emergency to get an elder into permanent facility care, which obviously you mom needs. Stop the anger with other family members and instead become a team to stop enabling mom and instead get her into the care she needs.
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Enabling bad desicions is not helping her. Getting her into a facility that Medicaid is going to pay for where her needs will be met, meds managed, warm, safe and taken care of, that is helping her. Giving into people's harmful, self destructive wants and ignoring the facts of actual needs is an easy out. You don't sound like that kind of person, you sound very concerned and very desirous of doing the right thing, addressing her needs is the right thing IMHO
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Tbrown62 and BarbBrooklyn your comments definitely mirror some aspects of what I think I am facing with my mom. SSI is only income, she spends it with poor judgement (makes car payments on a car that is impounded...for the third time in a year for driving with suspended/revoked license), runs out, does not (now I reckon, cannot) keep track of what is left, and I cannot help her out all the time. She also has a condo that's been reverse mortgaged...and won't get a dime for it. There is definitely now clear signs of dementia, and our only hope is now trying to get set up with some regular in-home care but I am INTIMIDATED by what I've seen about applying for Medicaid or LTC. I am new to this (more honestly, I am new to admitting it and processing it and becoming more active in managing it) and am realizing I need to just plow through it. I didn't want to face it but I just have to start attacking this knot of guilt, worry, anxiety, and confusion. I was kind of pleased to see that folks don't mind talking about it. Thank you and sorry for ranting.
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Sometimes the best help is to hold people accountable and stop enabling.
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