My partner and I have been together over a decade. We are engaged-- due to protracted family court issues with my ex and my partner being a main caregiver for his late uncle, we spent the first seven years in turmoil. His uncle did not allow him into appointments, so it was a shock when he went into hospice and passed, leaving everything in such a shambles in 2020 such that we are still trying to handle spreading his ashes across the country, figuring out what to do with his things in storage, etc.
During this time, my partner's father-in-law was of little help and just kept to his long-haul trucking, visiting his brother while he was alive since he would stay there the few days a month he'd be back in town. After my man's uncle passed away, he was of little help and expected his son-- my fiance-- to handle all of this. We had a baby unexpectedly (I have crazy fertility issues) before his uncle got multiple surgeries and passed, and I almost died at the hospital... while still dealing with my ex threatening me. My man would nightly leave us to care for his uncle and worked with his step-cousin to manage care that I now know should have been done in a nursing home.
As soon as my partner's father got the retirement benefits from his late brother, he decided he'd come stay a bit more to ensure that his dental implants got put in and maintained so he could keep a girlfriend out-of-town, that his hearing aids were put in so he could keep driving his truck, and that his cataracts were removed so he could keep driving. The week or so he'd be in town would require my partner doing EVERYTHING for him since my FIL refuses to drive out of fear of losing his CDL. He also, until this month, refused to keep a cell phone, so my man would have to go check and see if his father was in, wait around, and pick him up. This also meant that he had to manage ALL appointments and try to find a way to contact his dad if there was rescheduling.
I mentioned back then that we needed to draw boundaries.As soon as the surgeries were done, he headed back out. About a month and a half later, we find he is in the hospital with a stage three colon cancer and stage two prostate cancer. He demanded my man drive across state to take care of him 2x a week (16 hours of driving). He was talked into moving in with us to help him by a mutual friend.
He had not done taxes in years, so I had to set up SS and Medicare after doing years of back taxes. He demanded multiple FMLA extensions to keep his insurance, screaming anytime I suggested otherwise. Any of his work requirements he demanded his son handle. This all led to his FMLA running out right before his surgery after months of chemo. The paperwork was HORRIBLE.
As far as living with us, he has set up a nest in my daughter's old room. He won't spend time with us and continues to lament not being back in the truck. We have to do all his shopping-- and now as an ileostomy and urostomy patient, I have to handle figuring out what he can eat since he refuses to eat most foods since his palate is that of a small child. He manages the stomas ok, but he can barely walk as he has been putting off rehabbing until his ileostomy is reversed. He will wipe things off but not well enough such that the only bathroom with a bath and shower is all his since I'm not bathing my toddler in there and cleaning an hour before every day.
He fights us on cleaning and appears to shower once every 10-14 days or so. He refuses to let me do laundry until a poop accident then has to be stopped before nearly ruining our washer with wads of poop.
He is now in the hospital with a small bowel obstruction and failure to thrive after vomiting for weeks while refusing any care. He only weighs 108 pounds but seems to think he's going back to work and won't allow his siblings to visit-- he thinks he's ok despite being on TPN for over a week. My man and I both have health issues that are worsening while our lives fall apart.
But the Dad is now in the hospital. It's your opportunity. Do not allow him back into your home no matter what -- it's not about what he wants but about boundaries. And if "your man" keeps orbiting around him then he's not really "yours". Get the Dad into LTC or hospice (NOT in your home). Let professionals take care of him now so that you can have your lives back. Your child needs both parents and you parents need your privacy, health, sanity and rest. You are each other's priority, not the Dad. The Dad needs appropriate care by the appropriate people and that's not you people.
Tell the hospital staff that he is an "unsafe discharge" and refuse to take him back home. Ask to talk to a hospital social worker about discharging him directly into a facility. If you or your man allow him back into your home, that's on you.
I wish you clarity to see boundaries, wisdom, and peace in your hearts going forward.
I will say that somehow despite my protests and boundaries drawn, people find a way to force me into horrible situations where I have to choose between hell and worse-than-hell. I think having a few chronic illnesses since childhood sort of set me up for failure that way-- it can be physically hard to leave when I'm in a flare, and work has been a problem as well over the years. I struggle to take care of myself physically some days.
My fiance has severe ADHD and what appears to be high-functioning autism, so he helps me physically while I help him with planning, scheduling, etc. It works for us... until other people decide to overwhelm us. It can take months and even years to recover. He currently needs to go the doctor for what looks like urticarial vasculitis that is getting out of hand, and I am having my mixed connective tissue disease start to pop up again. My daughter moved in with her father full-time because my doctor said I'm not allowed to drive more than an hour a day (driving to her dad's district while I was primary was 3-4 hours a day of driving); she will not speak to me, and since this happened right before FIL moved in, I haven't been able to do anything about it. And now, my health is going south again-- despite being under 40, I could see a 5-10 year prognosis if I don't get this fixed, as could my partner potentially.
It has all been entirely too much stress, and I think that the chaotic environment my fiance had grown-up in with his dad has spread to our home as adults. His dad left him high and dry after a suicide attempt during my fiance's senior year, costing him his scholarship since he lived alone in a home getting broken into until the bank came and took the home.
His dad has lived extremely irresponsibly-- either from too many childhood TBIs, autism, narcissism, or a combo of those. I stopped caring to try and figure out why as I realized since he was hospitalized that if APS gets called, no one will care how stubborn he is or what happened to his brain or how selfish he is. He can be kind and made a change in his life years ago once he started trucking, and I think that trucking is both his home and a system he can follow that does not ask of him more than he can or wants to do. Being chucked out of it is something he still has not processed-- he still thinks he can fool the doctors and medical examiners into driving again. That's part of what scares me: he won't be honest about his medical history or how he feels or what he needs since he doesn't want anything to get in the way of him trucking again. He won't even take the hydrocodones to thicken his output since he's afraid he'll fail his hair test for work!
As for us, I'm tired of no privacy as you mentioned, and I did keep calling my fiance my man as it does burn quite a lot that all these things keep popping up from people putting demands on us that prevent us doing anything we need, much less what we want. Marriage is out of the picture! Until he saw the mess in hidden in his dad's room, he was in denial of how bad his health and mental status are.
I am going to call the social worker tomorrow. Enough is enough. I am NOT going to be signed up (without any notice, mind you) for giving him heparin shots daily for weeks again while he fights any sort of rehabbing. I'm not going to ever again freak out over him getting chemo sweat and spit everywhere such that his own son lost his hair and got sick over it. Nope!
Thank you again. I am so frustrated. It is nice to hear some reality and truth since I've been made to feel like I'm Cruella DeVille over here!
I suggest tell the hospital there is no one to take care of him , unsafe discharge
And after please get yourself into therapy. You have been through so much your only human. I worry about when things are all said and done, that you won't be able to find your Peace. You have had so much chaos in your life, it is not going to be easy to seperate all that . For you child to have a more peaceful life , you and your partner really need it.
Please take Geaton's good advice in the comments and leave him at the hospital. Both of you need to absolutely refuse to allow him back into your home. The hopsital will keep him admitted until they can find an available bed at a nursing home.
If I'm understanding correctly, you are NOT married to your partner. In that case, his dad isn't yor father-in-law. You have no legal obligation to him nor any moral obligation either. I can see why you'd have wanted to help in the past, but it's gone beyond what you can accomplish. You need to think of yourself and how to stay well.
Stop doing all of this! Your "man" needs to man up and admit that you shouldn't be part of this. Neither should he. Let social services handle this situation with your NOT-FIL. Your toddler should not be living in a home where a mentally ill adult is spreading poop. It's extremely unsanitary and puts your child's health at risk.
That's all I have to say about this. You've been taken advantage of and need to center yourself so you can take care of your child and yourself because that child needs a healthy mom. As for the "man" in your life, I don't see what advantage or help he's offering you. You'd be better off without him, unless perhaps he has sterling qualities that you haven't mentioned. (I doubt that's the case.)
Women's shelters can offer you a temporary home where you can safely stay with your child. There is kindness and goodwill in this world, but it's up to you to find it for the sake of your baby. You don't have it now. Good luck in moving on.
Tell your fiancé that his Dad can not come home . And that if your fiancé attempts to bring him home to your house you will have them both evicted.
Your fiancé can tell the hospital that there is no one to take care of him and he needs to be placed in long term care .
This is not a situation to have in your home with a toddler . You need to get your mama bear claws out and draw a line . Your toddler deserves better.
However, given what you have described above, which honestly is such a mess I can't even begin to comb it all out in my mind, I cannot believe that staying involved with this family brings you and mental health or wholeness with which to address your chronic illness (which you don't tell us the diagnosis of).
You are a grown adult. Apparently, given you are still dealing with it, there were/are already problematic relationships in the past. It seems that chaos has become a habitual now, part of your life.
I would suggest that you leave this family.
In all truth, a shelter sounds to me much preferrable. This chaos isn't sustainable over time and whatever health condition you are dealing with cannot be helped given this level of mess.
Sorry. You can't manage for fiancé himself and his entire family when you are not wholly well in mind and body. Even then, that mess would take down a herd of elephants.
Get help for yourself. This social worker you are calling? Call her/him for YOURSELF, not for the rest of them.