I am at my wits end with my siblings and asking for their help. Our father passed away 3.5 years ago, and my maternal grandmother a month before him, all during the beginning of COVID. Our mother has not been the same since because she sat for almost 2 years in her home dealing with that grief without many people coming around because she has comorbidities and we were scared to give her COVID. Classic COVID crap huh? Well in that time, she got very deconditioned and had what the docs are calling "grief dementia". Her cognition, mobility (bad knee and head drop) and being able to care for herself have declined quite a bit in the past year and a half. She has now been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have been having to drive about 40 miles round trip every other day to help her bathe and check on her. She has been living off and on with me as well, trying to help her regain strength. I have been running her household, as far as bills are concerned, for the three years in which my father passed. I do all her medical appointments and make sure she has what she needs. I am literally exhausted because I work full time, have two babies (5 months and 2 yo), and now have to care for my mom. I am at the point where I have asked my two sisters for help and they always make excuses as to why they cannot help with this or that. I am not even asking them for much. I am sad because they get to have that mother-daughter relationship with Mom, and I have to have a caregiver role with her. It makes me sad that they do not want to help more, or see that I am swamped and figure out a way they can be of use. I am tired of asking and getting treated the way that I do just for asking. I am so frustrated! I have my own medical issue with my back and neck, which makes it even harder to care for my mother. It is also stressing my marriage because I do not get time with my husband. I do not know what to do. I have put her on assisted living waiting lists, but she will have to sell everything she owns in order to pay for it, then worry that she might not qualify for Medicaid after, yet it is too expensive to have her in assisted living on what she makes alone. All of it is so crazy! Our system is not set up to help the elderly, or help children to help them. I do not know what to do at this point... I am so overwhelmed with my sisters, my mother and her needs, my own family, and my own sanity! Any advice people can give me on how to approach my siblings, or what to do, it will be greatly appreciated! I am my mother's POA as well.
First of all, are you able to do the duties of a POA? Are you aware of the record keeping needed and aware how to arrange her accounts and keep meticulous records?
Secondly, you do not have to sell at least your mom's HOME if she owns one in order to get her on Medicaid. But she does have to spend down her assets, and can do that in care. As you tell us she is already on waiting lists, continue waiting, and look for more immediate placement.
It isn't clear to me if Mom lives with you full time but with a diagnosis of dementia she is no longer safe at home alone I would imagine.
You should see an elder law attorney now to make a care contract with shared living expenses so that your Mom's assets pay for her living expenses at home. This will go to the nursing home when she finds placement, of course, and she will spend down her assets until she qualifies for Medicaid.
The attorney is paid for by your Mom's assets. You as POA have a right for this expert advice. He/she will advise you about applying for medicaid. Enlist the help of your hubby if he is good at this and include him as you search for placement and learn how to be POA for your Mom.
This isn't do-it-yourself stuff. You need initially some help. By that I don't mean your siblings. As to them there is ZERO YOU CAN DO ABOUT THEM. They have made it clear they have no intention of helping you. Take that off your plate so you don't have to waste time thinking about them. Stop contacting them. Fill them in on how mom is briefly when they call. And move on with the work that is there now to be done with expert help.
There will be Medicaid Recovery on the home if Mom keeps it after she is gone. Until then it is a protected asset. Your attorney will explain spending down.
Good luck. Hope you will update us.
I hear you loud and clear because I was my mother’s primary caregiver.
For many years my siblings didn’t help me either.
You are correct in saying that non helping siblings are able to enjoy our parents without the burden of being a caregiver. This naturally causes tension, resentment and misunderstandings between siblings.
I have seen many posts where ‘only’ children complain about not having any siblings to help and I have said to them that it is usually only one child that is caring for the parents.
So, the person who has siblings that aren’t helping don’t have it any better. In fact, it is generally worse due to the tension between the siblings.
I went through all of what you described. It was hard. It got messy before it got better.
The truth of the matter is, neither you or your siblings are responsible for your mother’s care.
Even if your siblings excuses are bogus, they have their reasons for not wanting to be caregivers. You will have to respect their position. Please don’t allow this situation to destroy your relationship with your sisters.
These situations will change family dynamics, which is why I strongly recommend that parents enter a facility. Then the children can oversee their parent’s care. Being an advocate is important and it is a lot less stressful than doing the hands on care yourself.
Keep your mom on the waiting list for a facility! Your first priority is your own family.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult caregiving journey.
I haven’t talked to her in years . Other siblings did next to nothing.
I sold my mother’s house for her to go to assisted living . That’s what you need to do . You have a marriage and children and a job . Those are your first priorities . Before she runs out apply her for Medicaid . Some states Medicaid will pay for assisted living. If not they pay for SNF .
I’m not ever caregiving again. Done. Been there, done that, still have the burn out nearly 30 years later.
Some people can’t handle it and you can’t force them to do what you are doing.
The real issue is that her care is too much for you. With a hubby and two little ones, you have exactly ZERO time to devote to so much caregiving for your mom. It's sad, but you must sell her house and use the proceeds to pay to AL. How long are the waiting lists? Thankfully, I was able to get my mom in quickly. Does she have money to pay for some period of time, depending on how long it takes to sell?
Let siblings know you are putting the house on the market. Maybe they will help with getting the house ready to sell but don't expect it or count on it. Have mom pay someone to help clean it out and do repair work, etc.
If it could take a bit of time to get her into AL, hire someone with her money to help take care of you. It will be best for ALL of you. Do it today!
Best of luck.
So then you’re left with what you can do to make your situation better. Not much. You have your own life to
live, and that’s what you need to do. Your family should be #1, not mom.
This isn’t what you want or expect to hear. But it’s the truth. Find a place where mom will have the care she needs. You’re not a professional caregiver, but in a care facility, that’s what mom will have. She will be better off, and so will you.
Good luck.