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My 87 year old grandma that is suffering with dementia moved in with us about 5 months ago. It hasn't been bad for the most part...she has good days and bad days but, this past weekend she went completely crazy. She ran out of the house with a safety pin and a pair of fingernail clippers stating I was going to hurt her (I'm the only one who consistently is patient with her outbursts) and that I'm hiding her money upstairs (we live in a single-story home--no attic). I didn't try to argue with her because I've learned that they're beyond the point of reasoning. I chased her down in the rain and begged her to come back inside and eventually had to call 911 to have an ambulance take her to the hospital. She ended up having a UTI and is much better now--even embarrassed about how she acted--but, my gracious, I'm so nervous with her staying with us now. I haven't been able to get a good night's rest since. She was diagnosed about a year or so ago with mild dementia but, it was always forgetting to eat, take her medicine or forgetting what day of the week it was. She is still able to bathe, feed, and toilet herself. She even likes to go get our mail and walk around the yard. We have never had a problem with her. She would have paranoia about her money after the move into our place but, it never made her run away. My husband and I are both working full time and we really try so hard to take good care of her. We are both in our mid-20s and I'm pregnant with my second child and my first is 2.5 years old. I really don't want to put her in a nursing home but, I don't know if I'm doing her justice by keeping her home. I'm always on top of her medicine and doctors appointments but, with work and going on 2 young children...I don't know what the right option is. I would appreciate any and all advice from experienced Alzheimer's/dementia caregivers. Or anyone with experience with putting a loved one in assisted living/nursing home.

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No way is it safe, physically or emotionally, to raise your babies with someone who is suffering from dementia.  And keep in mind that you are only able to postpone the inevitable,  not fix the disease.  Start your research into options before a life/death emergency descends on you.
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There are many wonderful AL facilities with Memory Care Units that would be safer for your grandmother now as she ages and is not in full control of her mental capacities. She would also be happier, even if you don't think so now. And, remember, Spaulding 18,....things will never get better with dementia. You have more than your grandmother to consider in this equation. And protecting your little ones is paramount.
I wish you peace, luck and the ability to not feel guilty. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
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Prayers coming for you and your family.
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Please heed the advice you've been given. It is not safe to have your grandmother around small (infant) children...what if she wants the baby to stop crying? Her mind is broken and will get worse. She is no longer responsible for her actions and a placement should be found for her. Love yourself and your family first! And do what is in the best interests of all and don't let guilt tell you what to do....some accidents cannot be recovered from. My blessings to you! Lindaz.
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I am not dealing with this particular issue, however, just have to say what a wonderful, caring, patient person you are. I don’t know if I could be with all that you have going on. You didn’t ask, but I am going to say that I think it is too much for a young growing family to deal with these challenges as they will only increase with time. Congrats on the baby and best wishes
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Spaulding18,
1. UTIs are just about the #1 cause with elderly. It's amazing that this infection which as maturing adults, we took for granted that the Dr gives us a drug for that and it goes away for years/years, now becomes something that will never go away and it affects them mentally.
2. Talk with her Dr. With my Mother, her Dr told her she only had 5 marbles left in her head and if she had 1 more issue happen HE will place her in a nursing home. She threatened to call the police and he told her to because he has the legal right and that he would have them take her when they get there
3. Mom had her last chance about 3 weeks later. Ended up in the hospital WITH A BAD UTI, so my husband and I did not have the choice other than find a place that I WOULD BE COMFORTABLE
4. You need to have her examined, the Dr tells you no more
5. Have a professional help you look for a suitable place....you'll be comfortable with
6. Buy yourself a quart of your favorite ice cream, watch the Notebook and cry, cry, cry
7. Then prepare yourself for everything that you'll be forced to do should you have to go Court to become her Appointed Guardianship/conservator
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Wow, I have people all around me telling me what an amazing job we are doing with our grandmother who is 92. She has only very minimal signs of dementia. So reading through your post, I can not imagine how you are feeling. My daughter works in a facility that deals with dementia patients and there are so many things that you may not be expecting or ready for. I would say that once you are to the point that this is affecting your ability to care for your own family (the little ones) or you feel that her safety is in jeopardy, then it is time. Once you are to this point, I would look at different assisted living/nursing homes and make your best decision. Good luck and may God bless you in the days ahead!
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Dear Spaulding,

You are my daughter’s age.

We just moved my Mom to a care home after having her with us for one year, preceded by 6 years of caring for her in her own home. 

During the past year, my daughter (a full-time college student) gave up her social life, many nights of sleep, and one of her part time jobs to help me care for Mom.  My husband became our cook and took over care duties when no one else was available.  I can’t begin to tell you how much it affected my health and job security. We ensured 24-hour care for her. And, spent thousands of dollars on in-home care just so we could go to work.

Based on our experience, and of others I’ve met along the way, I would tell you this -

First - love yourself, your children and your husband.  Place these things first in your life.  They should take priority over any care giving responsibilities you accept.

You are a kind, loving granddaughter (like my own daughter).  No one else can take your place in that.  Allow others - professionals - to “care” for your grandmother.  They are trained and equipped.

Next, invest your time and energy now to find the best and affordable long term care placement for your grandmother. 

Dementia is a degenerative disease. There are no cures. Your love will not be enough as the disease, inevitably, progresses.

Lastly, make your Grandmother’s move to a care home or assisted living a high priority. Transitioning to a new home is difficult for elders with dementia. The sooner your Grandmother can move, the sooner she will adjust to the change and learn to be happy there.

Wishing you all the best.
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Julezz gave an option of Adult Daycare for the day. A lot of good responses to help your decision making. I put my wife into adult Daycare while she was still in the early to middle stage of her Dementia. I made arrangements that they needed volunteers to help with adults and the Day care went along with this. She was good for about 1.5 years but then regressed to Memory Care for 19 months before she passed. I also had home health care come in for 4 hours a week to watch. Decisions-Decisons are sometimes hard to say when is it right. You will know but your young family needs to come first. I visited my wife everyday in Memory care where they have activities for them and social interaction. Good luck in your decision.
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You are a great grand daughter, my daughter took her grandmother in. The dementia got worse and the stress started to effect my daughter's health and the morale of everyone in the house. My mother started being a liability, it wasn't safe leaving her home alone, her attitude became very combative. My daughter told her earlier that she wouldn't put her in a nursing home, which she didn't. I had a talk with my daughter and let her know that it would be best if her grandmother went to assistant living. So we found a great place near by and my daughter goes to visit with her once a week.

You are young and have a family to raise and apparently a great love for our grandmother. It maybe best if you can find a wonderful Assistant Living place where she will have 24 hour care where her medication is administered, meals prepared for her and activities where she is interacting with others her age. You could go an visit with your kids and enjoy your time with her and she can spend sometime with your family and you have a peace of mind.

If possible call social services and see about having a Social worker assess your grandmother and also assist with finding the right type of place for your grandmother. It will take some of the pressure off of you and allow you to rest knowing she is well cared for.

Good Luck.
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Since an UTI was responsible for this bizarre behavior, let the medicine runs its course and see if things return to normal. But, keep in mind, that you may have to place her in a facility at some point. If her dementia worsens dramatically, you won’t have much choice. Stay strong and confident that you are in control of the situation, no matter what decision you end of making or when you make it. Hugs.
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Can you use your grandmother's money for round the clock caregivers?

I seems as if her craziness was due to an infection, not full blown dementia.

My uncles wife was completely bedridden due to a muscular disorder and the caregivers took all the stress off of him.

He simply attended to her emotional needs.

Some patients thrive in a nursing home, others go downhill. It all depends on the individual.
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You have your hands full. To be honest it doesn't get any better with time. No one can tell you if and when its time to put your
grandma in a nursing home. Your heart will tell you that. You have to realize that grandma is not doing anything to hurt you, its the disease taking over her mind.
you need to take into consideration the new baby and its needs, the toddlers needs, work, husband, his feelings, etc.
maybe there is other family members who can chip in and help to make it easier for you and your family.
you have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. the only thing I would tell you is DONT feel guilty if your decision is to put grandma into a nursing home. you took grandma in, you took care of her as best you could, and most important you love grandma and she knows that deep inside. you have nothing to feel bad about what ever decision you make.
I wish you the best with your growing family and grandma....
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Start planning now. Tour homes that have memory care services. Depending on how many are in your area, you can visit one or two a day and get a good idea of whether or not they make your short list. Go alone or with a friend, who will remain objective and see things from another perspective. Talk to the residents, if possible. Once you have your short list, take your grandmother for a tour.

I agree that bells and whistles are far less important than the basics of good care.

You love your grandmother. Unfortunately, it is necessary to prepare for the worst because dementia only gets worse. This is a difficult and emotionally draining process. Take care of yourself and your pregnancy because nothing good will happen if you burn yourself out.
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With my situation with my mother, we kept her at home until she was bed ridden. As long as we could get her from her recliner lift chair...to the wheel chair... and then to the toilet, we kept her at home. When she could no longer do that, she needed to go to the nursing home. Mostly because I felt terrible that my husband was the one that had to help me change her, clean her up, and move her in the bed. That also meant to two people had to be here at all times... no more "one person" help.
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With my situation with my mother, we kept her at home until she was bed ridden. As long as we could get her from her recliner lift chair...to the wheel chair... and then to the toilet, we kept her at home. When she could no longer do that, she needed to go to the nursing home. Mostly because I felt terrible that my husband was the one that had to help me change her, clean her up, and move her in the bed. That also meant to two people had to be here at all times... no more "one person" help.
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Hi,

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! That is a lot to take on with you being pregnant & you have another little one & working full time! It is always difficult to make that decision. First, I am guessing your parents are not in the picture, do you have any other siblings? Second, does grandma have the funds for a NH? Just letting you know, it is a LOT of work if Medicaid is needed, it can be a full time job in itself! You can always talk to her doctor and see what they think. My mother was deemed as needing 24 hour care and that is when I had to make the decision to place her. She says she is lonely & bored, but it is better for her & me & my family that she is somewhere safe, gets fed 3 meals and has many activities to fill up her days. (not that she remembers them ) : ) Safety was a big issue for me as well, she wanted me to continue taking care of her at home,but I can't be there 24 hours a day, and you are still young and have a lot going on in your life.

Best of luck - don't let the guilt control any decision you need to make, write down pros & cons and put your emotions aside. : )
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Although placing Mom in NH was a very difficult decision for me to make emotionally, mentally and spiritually...

I knew the moment had already passed when both my husband and I began getting physically sick - him, began having high blood pressure and now is on meds, and me, I could no longer sleep deeply nor rest during the day and I got sick from exhaustion. I then had to choose between giving her constant care and our long term health and ability to work - her needs or our life.
I was also at a point when I knew I could no longer sustain the situation for her benefit nor ours.

That day, although I wisely chose our life and health, was one of the hardest for me to take action upon. A year and a half later I am glad for all our sake, although my heart wishes I could still take care of her. I go visit now 2-3 times a week and can spend quality time with Mom.
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Your first duty is to your children & you being so stressed won't help them at all - secondly if she was some place with others her own age she might blossom doing activities designed for her age group like listening to 40's music - my mom went to at least 1 activity a day & was more social than before because of the extra interaction

I personally wouldn't trust her near a newborn & neither should you as you would be on pins & needles worrying about another UTI

You need rest not stress as this can affect the baby long term - check it out because this type of stress can be as harmful to an unborn baby as drinking while you are pregnant
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Spaulding 18, please have her assessment done by Nurse — I think it’s a PRI or have her stay in hospital for 3 days & then have her placed in SNF. You are PREGNANT!!! & have a small child so your primary responsibility is with them. You will have a miscarriage if you keep her with you! You don’t want that. This demon called dementia gets so much worse; you can’t even imagine. I’m 59 & caring for my 91 yo mom w dementia/Alzheimer’s & even though I’m in pretty good health & shape, I feel the effects...headaches, neck pain & basically no life. She is uncooperative w everything. She can’t walk or stand without the lift machine. She was in nursing home & I discharged her 16.5 months ago. She gets combative w hitting, punching, scratching & hair pulling. She even stabbed me w her fork. The police came & she turned it around & said I tried to kill her..a police report was required to be filed. I had no choice but to call emergency since she was going berserk. I’ve since increased her meds & she’s calmer, but the evil demon can reappear at any time. Please do yourself a favor & have her placed in a nursing home & after Medicare & secondary insurance runs the course, file for Medicaid at the nursing home office. If you use an elder attorney instead, they will rob you blind. So use Medicaid office. That’s my advice to you if you were my daughter. Hugs 🤗 to you.
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It is a very difficult decision to make when our loved onessuffer with dementia but there comes a time when we have to think of our own health both mentally and physically. I have been in this situation also. You should now think of what is best for your health and how is this trying to cope affecting your family. Once you make the decision it will be so much easier to visit Grandma and there are ways to take her out sometimes for a treat. It is hard at first because we are caring people and feel "guilty" that we cant cope but in time I have found it is a new way of life and the most sensible move to make. The Social Service people are very helpful and will come to your home to make an assessment of Grandmas needs etc.and help you along. Hope Ive helped you a bit. Going through all this has given me the understanding of your feelings. I was once told that if we dont look after our own self --we cant be any help to our loved ones.
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The time is now. There is no improvement in dementia, it only gets worse. You will not be able to care for a newborn and a young child and hold down a job AND take care of your grandmother. Kudos to you for your devotion to her wellbeing. She won the lottery in having a granddaughter like you!
If your grandmother's finances permit, call around to assisted living/memory care communities near you. They are MUCH less expensive than a nursing home and your grandmother doesn't sound like she needs medical care. She needs support with activities of daily living, social engagement with peers, and an environment that will keep her safe and set your mind at ease. All that spells AL/MC. She may be able to start off in AL (if that running out of the house episode was entirely due to her UTI).
Expect the initial transition to be a little rough (dementia can make it hard to adapt to new environments for some). Hang in there. It will be OK.
Visit an elder law attorney (not just any attorney) and talk about your grandmother's finances and the best way to plan for her care now and in the future.
You obviously love and respect your grandmother, but you're in charge now.
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I would say that when your LO NEEDS more vigilance and effort than you are able or willing to provide in the circumstances then it is time. But a NH will not solve all of your caring problems. It will solve some and create some new ones. There is no single satisfactory solution to the problems of dementia, sad to say.
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Please put you and your family first. So nice of you to have her for this time, but her condition will only continue to worsen and I believd your priorities need to be your children and your husband.

Best to find that best quality memory care facility she can afford now and relocate her. She will hatd it for a while, but she will be safe and have more professional support than family can provide. If you are not POA for health care and/or property, then work with whoever is to relocate her.

Once she is relocated, you, the kids and hubby can visit frequently and at the same time preserve the joy of living your young family life .

Please do not let her condition keep you and yours hostage to her condition. It will soon feel like that and it will get far,far worse.

You are a loving granddaughter and have been generous.
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My grandmother just had a uti but refusing all types of help in the rehab it was a very hard decision to make being she is not gonna be able to handle the in house caregiver in her house if she was to come home .she is now going to be long term in the facility best thing is to get a elder care lawyer to deal with her finances. And to sort out everything else good luck and keep us updated
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Im taking care of my husband ,and our toughest times of him going downhill [SADLY] is when our three grandsons are here the confusion of change and kids loud playing there 2. 4 7 boys my world would be totally empty without them they are my sunshine . or when they misbehave as much as he loves them hurts him mentally . I agree this is too much to ask of yourself at your age and your husband and trying to balance it all find her a place like the other person said a residence that goes into full time care with people her age she can relate too . Im 62 gave up my job married 43 years but this becomes a full time job ,This happen to my husband after we moved in and took care of his two parents for 5 year;s till they passed at 92 one did have to go to nursing home . Get power of attorney, or does her kids have it . You will be doing her a favor and it doesnt mean grandma cant visit on weekends or have her to dinner or bring her in for holidays you all can still be part of her life.Im sure there are other family that would do the same ,Just my two cents. sue
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It's a personal choice. I'm keeping my mum at home and she's under Palliative/Hospice until she dies. If you can't cope you should put her in a nursing home--especially you have 2 young children.
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Your kindness to your LO is amazing. I am more than twice your your age with college aged kids and I could not do what you are doing and having babies! I took my mother in and after 5 years she did go to a nursing home. Right now it all seems overwhelming, but definately the better choice for care would be a NH. The stress on you and your marriage will be too much. Take one step at a time and start looking and asking agencies who can assist and begin the process. It takes time, so start now. Everyone adjusts, I promise. Your grandmother's symptoms will worsen and UTI's will return and the loving care you want to give is just not enough. Please put your family first and move your grandmother. You will still be able to care for her there without the live in stress of caregiving. God Bless.
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I didn't. I kept my DH ambulatory until the last 3 days when he was finally given home hospice.

Sometimes it's a personal choice.
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just putting my step dad in a NH and my mom I currently in their home . I would say mid stage , I live an hr away , I ck on her , have some family ck on her and that’s the best I can do for now ( she refuses to come stay with me ) til I get her husbands sutuation straightened out . She holds her own , good days / bad days . I’m thinking AL within the year . As with having to move them somewhere - it’s about them getting the care they really need and their safety . I work , I have a 15 yr old , I have little help . I know moving will be hard on my mom but I really believe she would benefit from socialization and activities that I can’t provide . There’s financial hurdles but there are options . Good luck to you and take care of you and your babies
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