My question is this. Caring for her is getting to be a strain with all the needed repeating of directions etc for my Dad. He also chooses her clothes and gives her directions for doing the daily self-care needs. 2 meals a day are provided in the dining room but he is the one who has to do the choosing etc. And keep in mind he is 90 but still very sharp and up on all the current events. They do have housekeeping also. But he does the laundry but it's right there in the bathroom.
My brother thinks they should move to a asst. living facility. This would be quite a bit smaller than their present apt. Meaning Mom would have to give up many of her familiar and comforting surroundings. I know Dad would get some asst. with her but I'm wondering if it wouldn't all fall on him anyway because she'd want it that way and it would be easier to just keep her happy than let someone else do the things. Anyone have any experience with this? How much help would being in asst. living give my Dad. He doesn't need it for himself. Mom would be totally lost without him and he'd never go for moving her into a Dementia type setting as long as he can hack it. He won't even try the day-care options we've suggested.
They are now in a wonderful assisted living! I do not agree with "dechansenching" in all cases. The assisted living, my in-laws are in, take excellent care of both of them. There are adjusted prices for everything, depending on needs. After the first two weeks they lived there, my FIL had to go back to the hospital for another problem and was gone for 3 1/2 weeks. My MIL was well taken care of and I picked her up everyday and took her to see him. The people are very caring of each and every person. We had the advantage of my daughter and niece working there as CNA's before my in-laws moved in and they were able to tell us about all the inner workings that go on, as well.
There are many assisted livings to choose from with very different accomodations, plans and people. I suggest you start doing your homework early so that you are prepared when the day comes that they need to go. One reason why we chose this place was because it had a Memory Care Cottage which my Mother-in-law will need later on. She will still be in familiar surroundings with people that know her and her needs.
Your dad has managed to care for your mother in this retirement community for over a year now, right? In what ways is the strain starting to show on him? What seems to be hardest for him? For example, dinner is in the dining room. Is getting Mom into the elevator, picking out her food, maybe encouraging her to eat, getting to be a strain? If so, is it possible to pay for meals to be delivered to their apartment? On the other hand, that might isolate him more -- perhaps it is good to get to the dining room in spite of the effort it takes. Similarly, if he is running low on energy maybe having someone help with the laundry would be good. But maybe it would sadden him to give up normal household activities.
Carefully evaluate the nature and cause of the strain Dad is under so that you are solving the right problem!
If Dad is unwilling to consider the day care program, it seems unlikely he will be open to moving Mom out of the apartment. I hope you can come up with ways to support him and lessen the strain for him without making things worse for both of them.
Good luck !
If your mother's dementia is so far advanced that your brother cannot be responsible for her for even an hour at a time, I suspect the strain on your dad is greater than he's admitting. As a caregiver for a spouse with dementia I can both understand your father's devotion and desire to stay in charge of her care and also how stressful and wearing 23/7 responsibility is.
My husband attended an adult day health program two or three days a week. This was absolutely critical to my ability to continue to care for him at home. Before I'd worry about assisted living I'd urge Dad to use the nearby dementia day care center. It doesn't have to be full days nor 5 days a week. But a few hours a few days each week would give him a much-needed break, and would allow him to participate in other activities and socialize more. He wants to keep Mother with him and stay in the independent apartment as long as possible. Taking advantage of the day care center may be a good way to meet that goal and extend the time he is able to take care of her.
Just as the move was hard but had to happen, I think arranging some respite for Dad is going to be hard, but not as hard as trying to remedy the situation if he gets totally burned out or run down.
Warm wishes to you as you continue to look out for your parents' best interests.
I must say that it is 3 years later and I left her today at the NH very happy and actually said to myself I am so glad she's here, I did the right thing. She was signing with the crowd "God Bless America" at the top of her lungs. She knew every word and looked at me and said I sang this in school a lot when I was a young girl. They had a singer there for the birthdays for December, they give those December birthday balloons and cake. She also thought it was her birthday, then told me her birthday but couldn't remember the year. It's not December lol don't matter she was happy about a party and cake was yummy. The hardest thing to do in my life besides putting my dog to rest was, putting my Mom in the NH. I have no regrets she's happy and safe and at peace and so am I now. It took a while for her to adjust and for the staff to get to know her personality and my guidance and input about her likes and dislikes and if I see her unstable I am on top of it and meet with staff or Dr's to express my concerns. One thing I do know is it is harder on the caregivers than it is for a person suffering with Dementia. Incontinence wasn't an issue until recently. That's an issue I would not have had a clue about how to adjust. Everyone is different but decline in behavior is going to happen with dementia. Good Luck to you and your folks
first and foremost, have a talk with Dad
as he opens up you will be able to see his needs.
suggest to him just to have a trial bases for a while
to give him and hand and a break at the same time.
give it some period of time for adjustment, this is a stranger
entering your Dad’s home, after the adjustment time
your Dad will be more relaxed. But do let him participate
as much as he wants, it keeps him active, he has a routine
it gives him a feeling of self worth, and independence.
Also if your Dad is a Vet
the VA will pay for services at no cost to your Dad.
Look into the VA. Sound like you’re on the right track.
Take care
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