I feel terrible posting this but have no one else to talk with I need to figure out why an I so angry and feel that everyone looks at me as an idiot possibly because years ago my husband starting calling me names which off and on continues and now with me doing same thing have I become to believe things or what]caregivers for mom when something goes wrong I just right away ask why so many people think they Im just an asshole and easy to mess with could that be because I appear like Im not together which Im not then mad BECAUSE situation Im in oh gee nvmind Im so disgusted with caregiving and myself do not where to turn feel hopeless
Now, being an a**hole is a totally different thing. I reserve my right to be angry, but not to take it out on innocent folks. And I won't take it out on my mother, since that would be unfruitful and destructive. But I'll be darned if I'll deny myself the right to feel angry about bad things that should not have happened to me. I think you fit into the same category, sandy, with all that is going on in your life.
Sometimes I think the two-year-old melting down into a tantrum has it right...I can't stand anymore and I have to get this out....crying & screaming until the tide shifts and the world seems better again...just most of us "adults" don;t do tantrums...and keep that all bottled up. :(
Stress and depression can be the underlying cause of the anger. Make sure you find support group (yes here helps too) and a local therapist...we all need support.
My husband is the poster child for ADHD, and the other day I told him that he was "hogging" all the crankiness -- that I was entitled to be cranky too, dammit! And he needed to let me vent too sometimes, not just be his sounding board whenever something doesn't go his way.
A few days ago, he was out having fun, and I was dealing with another stupid hassle for my mother. Normally I wouldn't have bothered him, but this time, I called him and just ranted. I felt a little guilty after, since in the scheme of things, it was minor. My mother lost her cell phone charger, believes that she "NEEDS!!!" her cell phone when in reality, she never used it, never even knew HOW to use it, even before dementia. In order to prevent her obsessing further, I dropped what I was doing (you know, living my own life), and got to work on replacing her phone.
Anyway, yes it was minor, but obviously I'm still angry...guess I have continuous low-level angery that sometimes just blows up into a tantrum.
To paraphrase a Biblical instruction, don't let a root of bitterness spring up here. And being this uncared for will make you bitter, and you and your marriage as well as your hubby deserve a chance to make things right. Risk it - say something.
But when will I get to retire and see the world? Well, I am afraid that ship has sailed because of all the stress related health issues I now have, I feel I would be lucky to even see next year... my parents just don't understand how their choices for their old age is also affecting me. Even finally setting boundaries such as less running errands and driving them places, the guilt they throw out doesn't help :P
I had a minor epiphany. It didn't hit me in a rational, "pep talk" kind of way -- it was a real, felt sense that I really needed to let go even more. I'm going above and beyond, and have been for a while now. It's ramping up, and will continue to do so for who knows how long, and I will really lose my ability to cope if I don't make some more changes.
One time I asked my parents if in the future they needed to hire a Caregiver would they want a person who had no experience, wasn't trained for that type of work.... didn't know how to read a blood pressure machine... didn't know how to listen to your heart.... wouldn't be able to pick you up if you fell.... was afraid of driving.... hated to cook... and who was pushing 70 years old... would you accept that Caregiver into your home?
Their answer was *no*.... well guess what, that person would have been me. That was an eye opener for my parents.
Now its her and me and she doesn't like that she is dependent on me one bit. I think deep in her mind she seems to expect me to be horrible to her. I do try to be the best I can be but just sometimes I have to walk away because I am so angry. Like when she smiles when she says she needs a soiled pamper changed when I had only suggested 10 minutes earlier she went to the loo - as though I wouldnt be able to smell it. I know she cant help the way she smiles and I know it is the alzheimers or whatever not the person and although I cant explain why that makes me angry it blooming infuriates me. As for siblings well not seen mine for 5 years (a bonus in this instance) daughter is supportive but wants to 'do' stuff all the time - I just want to rest actually what I want to say is why dont YOU take her out you dont need me tagging along - tried that once and she said but I want to help you get out too mummy - bless her (mutters silently to self!)
Every reply was one that showed empathy, sympathy, and how the culture of our parents day is ruling todays young elders. that's is YOU..
I live in a shack of a house, so no one else can live here [ I might keep it that way] I am 'lucky,' that my Ma has dementia that needs a secure rest home situation, cos she can walk, she can talk, but she cant turn around and get back home, she just keeps walking...... and her talking fools everyone that she knows what she is doing. but its all left her after 5sec - 2min.
You are all still, what I call my fellow sisters, and it saddens me, that you are all anchored down, doing a chore [cos that's what it is] that you are not trained in, not paid for, and its not an 8 -4 5xday week job.
Then for extra excitement, either an abusive relationship , or one with added stresses of more illness, and maybe for the cherry on top, children who are your dependants or also abusive.
You don't need a counsellor, or therapist........... you need some relief, like 3mths without a phone, and on an island where someone makes you the cup of coffee. pays your bills, and dinner is out at a restaurant not out of a can.
I can only suggest that as previous poster described her self... write out your KPIs, your job description, your job requirements, and roster... then pin it up where you and anyone can see it........... and refer to it when days are really bad, start finding jobs that can be delegated... can the parent be dropped off at a rest home that has a day care facility [quite a few do in this country]
Don't take protestations from the parents, they are no longer independent, so they need to realise that, show them your detailed job list.
Here the govt pays for 30days respite a year, allowing a few weekends off for the carer, a lady used to drop her husband off for the weekend, at the local rest home,to get away as he had Parkinsons and dementia. It gave her the break she needed.
I send you all a hug and hope you can find a useful relief method
I feel like I was born to clean up after my family. You know those kids who were born so that they could provide an organ for another child, well that's close to how I feel many times. When I was still a small child, I already had some chores, but more upsetting was that I was burdened with their problems from the time I was in grade school. I think that it's the real reason they had a daughter - just to look after things. I automatically jump up when there is a problem. I feel like I have not lived, and this is incredibly sad to me. To think that there would be so many 'if onlys' in my life.
I cannot afford a therapist - and few in this small town, anyway. Plus, you know you have a problem when even the counselor looks sad when you are telling them things.. like they're thinking 'boy I'm glad that my life is not that bad!'
Are there no social services in the USA, to help out ????
Here an elder is allowed $220k about, any other financial status goes towards their resthome care. When they get down to the $220 then the govt subsidise the 'rent' of a rest home care etc. So the family home would be sold, unless the partner is living there, and on some complex workings, the elder needing care gets it either fully paid, subsidised, or is private.
We have the pension here, so when they become a resident of the hospital level, then their pension goes towards the 'rent' and they get $38 /month for incidentals.
True you cannot move here and enjoy our social system, but becoming old before your elder, is just so unjust.