Why are doctors reluctant to assess my mom's delusional behaviors?
My mom is a great actress. If you talk to her for 10 mins she's normal, but once you've known her for several months you'll learn that she has no grasp on the severity of her disability, she has no idea how bad she is at managing finances, and she will say one thing today and the opposite tomorrow. Doctors say she's a liar, I say she's the definition of deluded.
Her nurses just think she's stubborn and mean. I think she has alcohol related brain damage and general neurological decline from her stroke 10 years ago.
Why won't someone listen when I say that these behaviors ARE NOT NORMAL???
She currently calls me crying saying how she has to leave the nursing home and how she's going to start a business again and take care of my dad and take HIM out of his nursing home, then she posts on Facebook telling everyone this.
She cannot walk, she cannot feed herself right, she hasn't managed finances in 5 years, my dad is in a nursing home because she couldn't take care of him, and she hasn't run a business since her stroke. She is absolutely delusional about all of this.
If she leaves the nursing home, she will be entering an incredibly uncertain and hard and scary future ultimately probably ending back up in a nursing home more broke than before.
This cannot happen. I am her healthcare POA but I don't think it matters if she's still competent. I refuse to deal with her behavior anymore if no doctor will take me seriously.
7 Answers
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You are now the adult, as hard as that is, you are very young to be dealing with these issues. No offense, just fact. Even us in in our 50s feel young to be dealing with this.
You have to set boundaries for yourself, getting burned out and angry from all the craziness will only make it harder for you and God forbid you have harsh words and she dies. Try to avoid going there, not that you are not justified in your feelings, you are. Just think about, this could be the last time you talk to her. That's why the need for boundaries, if you can only handle talking to her 1x daily, weekly, monthly whatever works for you. Do that and be patient and kind with her, this way you will have no regrets.
Does the NH know she drank daily? This could be part of her delusions. Also, diabetes that has not been taken care of can cause mental problems, my dad was in skilled nursing as a diabetic and they were giving him ensure a couple of times a day. WTH? I just assumed they would feed him based on his diagnosis, CNAs are not always aware of things and when the patient is verbal and a good actor, well you know what I'm talking about. Check all of those things and set your boundaries, you are a grown woman now and there is no guilt or shame in handling your parents at arms length.
Best of luck getting your boundaries implemented.
Hugs 2 u for all you do!
This was the only thing that finally got Dad in a safe place where he has structure, regular meals and is safe.
Even had a psychological evaluation when he was in skilled rehab in one nursing home. He passed “with flying colors”
He refused anything from anyone. No one could cook, clean, help him shower, nothing. A nurse said we would just have to let him fail. So we put limits on what we would do-grocery store and bank once every two weeks, etc.
And finally he did fail, the hospital ER had a social worker that actually sat down and had a conversation with him for 20 minutes. She realized how confused and delusional he was. He was admitted to the fourth floor of the hospital for a geriatric capacity evaluation. They kept him for a week, and knew what they were doing. Finally we got the evaluation that determined he did not have the capacity to make his own personal or financial decisions.
That got him into a nursing home because I had DPOA.
But the nursing home said just what they told you. We needed a court determination and guardianship of person to keep him there.
The social worker at the nursing home said plenty of people went to probate and got guardianship without an attorney as long as they had the proper evaluation.
I feel for you-this whole thing took us years, several hospitalizations, skilled rehab stints, verbal abuse, general alcoholic drama, hoarding, APS called 3 or 4 times, threatened by Dad, weapons involved.
There are 6 siblings and I am amazed any of us are able or willing to be his advocate now.
He is 90 and has been in a SNF for 4 months. We are all breathing now because all the phone calls from ER have stopped. So has the harassment by Dad.
My main message to you is: they have to fail, spend all their money if they have that right, keep drinking. Just keep calling APS, refuse to help them at all, if they won’t accept help, don’t let them manipulate you to only help them when they want it.
None of this is your fault. Nor is it up to you to solve. It is very sad but alcoholism destroys brain cells, increases risks of heart disease, kidney failure, strokes, liver failure.
None of this is your fault. None of it.
Insist on an evaluation for your mother. You need a definitive medical and neurological diagnosis that you’d get with testing. The doctors can not deny the proof of their own tests. That would put an end to the denials and arguments on both sides.