Right now I'm in the middle of a family war because I live with my mother and my grandmother and my grandmother is at an advanced stage of dementia,as I've mentioned in other topics I'm mentally ill and my mother had two small heart attacks and a major one that forced her to get surgery and we can't take care of my grandma anymore.My mother has a brother and a sister but they don't really care,the last time my uncle saw my grandma was during christmas and my aunt visits once a month,they don't even call.Now that my grandma is starting to get worse my mom started calling my aunt in cases of emergency,my grandma falls a lot,gets aggressive,tries to run away (my aunt lives only two streets away from us while my uncle lives in another town) and she was extremely rude to us,saying that we need to stop bothering her because she has a life to live,that my mother is the one who lives here and this means she's the one who has to take care of my grandmother full time,today she said she's going to get a lady to take care of my grandma and basically said that she's going to kick us out now that she no longer needs us.I've cried so much,I can't sleep because of this,her words keep echoing in my head and it feels like someone has stabbed me with a knife right in my heart.Why is she like this to us?We have always been so helpful,we never bothered her,we always took care of my grandma without bothering anyone,now my mother started calling her because things started to get out of hand and something needs to be done but there's no need for her to act like this.I shouldn't be surprised,she was always a mean person and she never loved me and I can't understand why.She has a son and a daughter,they're around my age,we always lived a few streets away,I've lived with my grandparents and my mother since I was born and she was always visiting,inviting us to go to places but she never acted like a real aunt to me,she was always criticizing me without any reason,putting me down,saying her kids were better than me,that my grandparents and my mother were wasting their time on me,I was only a child...Now it's the same thing,unfortunately my grandpa is no longer with us and it got way worse after his death,she spreads lies about me to everyone,I'm even ashamed of appearing in front of other family members because I have no idea of what she says,she even comes to the point of telling me that my mental ilness is a lie even though I've been diagnosed by 5 different doctors and have been on meds for almost 6 years.Why is she like this to me?What have I done to her?Even after all the wrong she has done to me I still look at her and wish she loved me...I'm really sorry about this topic,I know it has nothing to do with the forum,I just needed to get this out of me,I was so hurt by all the words she said to me today,it really hurts physically.
But knowing this about your aunt I have to wonder if you can find a way to see her for the person she is and not take what she says or how she acts to heart. Her behavior says more about her than it does about you.
Can you find a way to let go of the hurt? Your aunt is never going to be the person you'd like her to be so why even bother with her? Her attitude and behavior have so much control over you. Don't let that continue to happen. If you're a praying person you could pray for her. I've found that if I pray for someone I have a resentment against or someone who is just mean and nasty I am the one who ends up feeling better. And if the lies she spreads are really lies then you have no reason to feel ashamed because it's not true. You know that so keep telling yourself that. Don't be her victim anymore. Don't be a victim period.
Try to find your own way, away from your aunt. Volunteer somewhere, get out of the house, have lunch with a friend or family member (who isn't toxic). Get a life outside this house. All we have control over is our own life, we can't control or change other people's behavior but we can change how we deal with it. Good luck to you.
Your mom (and maybe you) should consider getting legal conservatorship and also legal stipulation for you to continue being an in-home caregiver. It is better for somebody to age and die in the home (if there is competent caregiving) than in a conveslescent home. My own father died after six months in hospital and 2 conveslescent homes. Nobody bothered to research in home care with MEdicare (and it existed), including myself. I learned a hard lesson.
Toughen up your outside. People who are toxic like your aunt are old enough to know better. You do not have to be a victim.
Wherever you reside, I am sure your state has an angency for elderly and their caregivers; you can find out about caregiver options and having legal protection for your current caregiving scenario of your grandmother. If I were your grandmother? I would rather have my beloved family caring for me in my home compared to being institutionalized. Home is home. And that is why the legal profession has eldercare lawyers, state legislation and protections for the elderly and disabled.
Without compromising your "shift" in watching over your Gram, do find some ways to have outside contact (school, online college, church, community activism). Your aunt's misconduct is inexcusable and wrongful, but you cannot change her. You can develop yourself and grow - that will be an asset to you, your mother and your grandmother. Good luck. Find out about your state's elderly protections and don't allow your aunt's negativity to disarm your strength
Just going back to your question: it's impossible for anyone to know WHY someone feels as they do. After all, sometimes we don't even know that about ourselves. But if your aunt has been this way towards you for as long as you can remember, the one thing you can be sure of is that it's not your fault. Other than that, who knows what's going on in her head?
Having said that, there is one very noticeable gap in your full post and your profile, and that's your father. Was he never around? - and you're still getting the blame for being the "problem baby"? Did your aunt have some kind of major issue with him? - and maybe sees him when she sees you? It could be it's something to do with that. People develop odd prejudices like that sometimes, it's a sort of 'guilt-by-association' phenomenon. But this is purest guesswork, and in any case you get the same answer: NOT YOUR FAULT.
If you can't step away from the wondering why, remember two things. a) You haven't done anything wrong. b) Your aunt was speaking to you in anger, under stress, feeling defensive and maybe guilty, worrying about your grandmother, and in haste. I'm not saying "aw there there, dear, auntie didn't mean it" - she probably did mean a lot of it at the time - what I'm getting at is that when people blow up at you as she did it's hard to see clearly what their problem is, exactly - so don't take every word to heart.
Seriously, if you want to help your mother and grandmother, take care of yourself. Lots of love x
You have received some wonderful advice from caring people.
I am about three times your age, and I would like to share with you what happened to me when I was middle-aged. Over a period of years, six people (not relatives) in two states told me that two of my relatives were saying bad things about me and spreading lies about me. After ignoring it for a long time, I finally tried two things: I confronted them, and they denied everything, saying they didn't want to talk about it. Some time later, I tried to get them to like me by being very helpful. After a year, I could see that didn't work either, so I kept my distance. My friends told me to just let the situation go, that people who knew me knew better than to believe the lies being told about me. Letting a situation go when you have to see people who have been hurting you is not easy, but it can be done. If you cannot bring yourself to think "forgiveness," you might try the words, "Aunt (her name), I bless you and release you to your highest good." Everytime you think of how she has hurt you, say these words to yourself -- or outloud, if you are alone. Say them everytime the hurt comes to mind. It may take months, even longer, but the hurt will begin to dissolve and you will become immune to the way she treats you.
To say these words, "Aunt (her name), I bless you and release you to your highest good," it doesn't matter that you don't know why she hates you. I was never sure why my relatives spoke so poorly of me, and I could only guess since they refused to discuss it with me. I did not talk about this situation around town because to do so would draw me even further into the situation.
In the past couple years, in speaking with people I had just met, it came up a couple times that I am so-and-so's relative. In both cases, the reaction was, "YOU are so-and-so's relative??? You aren't at all like what they said!"
You too, Hannah, can rise above this situation. Take care of your physical and mental health and get education and training in a field that is in demand by employers, even during the current economic conditions. Contact your nearest junior college and your nearest State Employment Office for advice on how to proceed.
Best of luck! You can do it!
I have a mental illness as well. OCD and anxiety and panic attacks. You know I have found that some of my family members that have OCD as well but maybe not to my degree get upset with me when I mention my illness. I come at my illness head on because, well , I had to. I had a lovely nervous breakdown about 10 years ago and it brought it all to a head. Having a special needs daughter who really needs me and trying to help with my Mom makes it so I just do not have the luxury to ignore my illness as some can. I cannot. I did for 30 years and then BOOOM!
Anyway- my point is --- my family seems to get mad at me for acknowledging my illness and being on meds and such. I often feel like they think they don't need meds so why should I? They can handle their little nervous habits so why not me? ( We all seem to have some level of OCD ). When I have panic attacks it almost offends them. My husband is VERY supportive of me and that makes them mad as well. I don't know. People are so weird about mental illness. But, this made me wonder if your aunt might not be a little mentally ill herself and be jealous ( is that the right word?) that you are able to be self aware enough to know you are ill and seek help. ( I hope you are getting help). Just a thought.
I agree with all the posts here already. Such good advice. I don't have much more for you than what already was given ( again - such good advice!) just (((hugs))) and know you can always vent here. I pop in and out. Holidays were overmwhelming for me so I kinda disappeared but I am hoping to stick around with the forum for a bit.
Ugh - I am out of practice. Sorry if this post is rambling. Again (((( hugs))))
Stupid aunt.