Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?
Today's post DOES make me think that she just really needs to TALK to someone about the day.
I have no idea what was so bad about what I wrote that AC felt the need to revise it. I was only speaking the truth.
You tell us this in your last post:
"So we went up there tonight and the minute we walked in she said to my husband - you look so cute and handsome tonight and so good and she said it about 3 times - so, I turned around and couldn't help myself and said - oh - really - that's not what you said an hour ago! Tell him what you really think! She said what do you mean - you're just jealous! What the hell is my mother talking about! I said tell him you called him ugly - and she said quietly to me how dare you say that - I didn't say that and why did you say that I said that and hurt him.
WHAT?????
She didn't like that I said your husband has a big nose. I told her she looked at me and said that's mean. Is she kidding me? She doesn't think what she said about my husband is mean and hurtful? If I bring it up again, she'll turn it around on me and say - you know I was joking and didn't mean that."
It seems to me that you love this bickering. You so often START it. You are always determined to FINISH it. I don't really suggest a therapist anymore. I think you love all this, and are absolutely in your element. I think my sympathy now is completely with your parents. But they aren't writing.
Why not just admit you love to bicker?
My only fear for you is that your parents are aged and will eventually pass; I can't imagine where then you will go for fun.
I won't be reading this particular thread anymore. It's too "stranger than fiction".
I wish you luck. I wish your parents even MORE luck. Take care.
Do you see a pattern here with mom? She cannot be alone and sitting in the car doesn't count.
If your mom wants to pout like a 93 year old child then let her pout. Of course she's going to be moody and upset when you STOP doing what you always do. You aren't being the "good" daughter and by "good" daughter that means as long as you are doing what she wants you are fantastic and when you aren't she gets mean and nasty.
I challenge you to stay in your own home and do not go up there today. Feel all the negative feeling associated with being the "bad" daughter and be OK with that for today.
I wonder how your parents helped you and your husband when you were dealing with your cancer treatments. Did they cook for you, grocery shop for you, clean the house? What exactly did they do for you?
Few of us are interested in this dysfunctional Italian Waltons drama just because it’s so interesting, Furthermore, your “advice seeking” follows a predictive loop in which mommy is mean to you, you then make a face back, and then tell us all about it. You’re even recycling and retelling items. The mistake about them not going into al? The “womb” comment? You’ve said it all before.
At least own it.
Right now, you are pouring gasoline on the flames of your mother's personality disorder.
Make an appointment today, please.
This is a way of life in which different costumes are donned dependent on the situation: "Martyr" or "manager". And basically it's about attention, negative or positive doesn't matter--just so the attention's there.
When Mom was going to interrupt your task of the appt for your Dad , you could have said “ No Mom , we have to do the appt now because I’m not staying here to wait . Dad can do measurements later “.
That is setting a boundary .
Don’t get into any unnecessary discussions , like bringing up the map .
You go in , do what you have to do , shut down Mom’s manipulation with the word “ No” . You state what you are there to do , do it , and leave . Ignore the rest of her BS and finish your task and get out .
You need to stop letting her get under your skin and defensive . Turn the table. . I’m going to say it again BACK OFF . When she gives you crap about why you don’t stay and why you are nasty . You tell her that she doesn’t appreciate all you do and have done for her . Don’t fight , yell , bicker or rehash . Tell her you aren’t putting up with her nonsense , and leave . No discussions , do not respond to whatever she says back to you . And she will try , she always does somethlng childish like mimicking etc . to provoke you .
You are at the end of your rope dealing with them . Any chance you could place them in assisted living and sublet the lease on their current place ?
Don’t get involved with furniture and decorating either. That’s a want not a need . Just give them what the need , food and run . No helping them hang pictures on the wall . “ No I won’t do that “. Practice saying it .
Maybe she will decide she doesn’t want to live in your building anymore if you aren’t fulfilling all her ridiculous demands . Wouldn’t that be a nice New Years . If she decides to move out !!!
Also learn the phrase “ I’m not discussing it “. Shut her down . Take command of the situation .