She can't stand my husband even though he mows the grass and cleans the yard. My dad can't see and has trouble getting around (he's 96 and mama's 92 almost 93). Daddy really appreciates the help, but mama thinks we are trying to take over her business and take Daddy away from her. Sometimes she's nice, but it's rare. Daddy really likes the times she laughs and talks nicely to him.
When we take them out to eat, she complains to Daddy and says she is never going out with us again. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I just walk out on her because I try to put up with her but it's too much. Don't know why she dislikes us so much. I know my oldest sister has argued with her too, my mom likes my middle sister (mainly because she took care of her and daddy when my oldest sister and I were out of town for several years). Anyway I just need someplace to vent my frustration and get help from others.
Chances are your parents no longer drive, correct? So there is no hopping into the car to visit friends, run errands, or a pleasant drive in the county. Speaking of friends, chances are most of your parents friends have either passed on or moved away to be closer to their own families. Same with family members, such as siblings that had passed.
Then there are age related issues. Hearing isn't as good, neither is eyesight. Thus, going to the movies is out [even before covid]. As we age we tend to lose our sense of taste so one's favorite food is now bland. Plus, eating out was difficult with mobility. We started using carry-out which worked perfectly. My folks [also were in their 90's] had their favorites from Olive Garden.
My Mom wasn't happy with aging but Dad accepted it. My Mom refused to sell the house and move into senior living into an apartment the same square footage as their house. Dad would have packed in a New York minute. So my hubby and I were running back and forth to their house to help with one thing or another, usually picking Dad up from a fall.
Just food for thought.
They have a need to impress others. They don’t feel as though they have to impress you.
This is extremely common behavior!
The other day she said if I was as mean to my ex girlfriend as I am to her she doesnt blame my ex girlfriend for leaving me. Laughable, but hurt. As i am as good as my mom as can be and even my ex girlfriend would tell you I was never mean to her
A counselor I see explained it this way: People like this do to get what they want:
So to other people, my mom is as nice as can be as my mom wants to be liked by others and she knows in order to be liked she has to be nice. So good she is nice to them butg she is doing it to get something from them, their admiration
To me, she is not interested in being liked by me, she is interested in using me for whatever she can get from me and when I fall short she gets mad.
So as NeedHelp says, not only common but very explainable in a sense
It happens all the time. They have to get a dig in.
We have been through it ourselves and know many others that are having similar experiences.
My caregiver days have ended but trust me, I still remember the feeling of helplessness and intense frustration at times. My therapist helped me get through a lot of painful moments.
What else do you do for your parents besides your H doing yardwork? You mentioned you drive them places.
Right now are your sisters putting in equal time with your parents?
What's the plan when they need more help? Is one of you going to move in with them? Is this a case of mama and daddy never going to a facility?
Who has HCPOA? POA?
Stop allowing this nonsense. You call her out on her crap every time she acts up. If she runs her mouth about 'never going out with you and your husband again' let her run it. Don't take her out anymore. Take your father out and let her know if she's going to be a miserable a$$hole that complains incessantly, she will not be getting taken out to dinner or anywhere else by you and your husband.
My point is, don't put up with her crap. You don't have to. Putting up with her nastiness will not improve or help anything. You and your husband are the ones going out of your way to be nice by helping your parents abd taking them out. If your mother is going to be an ingrate, go 'Gray Rock' and avoid her.
Your mother is what I call a 'senior brat'. Like my mother, she thrives on complaining and making others miserable. She thinks that because she's old that entitles her to behave any way she wants and to treat her family any way she wants.
It doesn't.
The next time she complains about your good husband mowing the lawn, he should stop doing it. Let that grass grow into a hay field. Then let her worry about getting it done.
If she complains when you take them out to eat, the next time oly take your father.
Stop tolerating her crap and playing her games.
And what treasures, you are. You just tell Mom that I am 80 and I am trying to think of how to get you to MY HOUSE.
And if the family refuses to be at her beck and call? She explodes. Tantrums, yells, manipulates, cries. If Mama isn't happy, then no one will be happy. "You're all ganging up on me! I AM YOUR MOTHER, YOU SHOULD DO AS I SAY!". Or the "You're picking on an old lady and you'll be sorry when I'm dead". She of course has NO clue why her family doesn't want to be near her.
I have a friend whose mother is just like this. Likes power, control and has to be the Queen Bee. She has a housekeeper and hairdresser that come by every week, and they marvel how sweet Mama is. What they don't know is as soon as they leave, sweet ol' Mama calls them "trashy" and how they are beneath her. Her daughter is breaking her back trying to help her, but mother refuses help and says "you're just trying to take my money!" and cusses her out. But guess who she calls when she needs something?
It's her world and the rest of you just live in it. Her system has worked all this time and she is not going to change it. Only thing you can change is your approach. You don't have to lash out (though no one would blame you!). Her disrespect of you is unacceptable.
Can present it as "Mom, we seem to just upset you when we do things for you. You don't like us mowing the lawn and don't enjoy it when we take you to dinner. We don't want to keep upsetting you, so we're going to stop doing those things." Then she can hire a lawn service or have meals delivered. When she balks at that, remind her that if she wants you to keep doing for her, then she needs to be pleasant.
Only disadvantage is your father might suffer for it. He is appreciative and she is not. I will never understand how good men end up with such shrews for wives and stick with them.
Be nice or I'm outta here.
Why is it some elders are sweet and wonderful, grateful to be alive and have you helping them out, while others spit in your eye for all you do for them? Don't allow it. Your folks can hire a gardener, treat him like dirt and see where THAT gets them!
If they were nice before, they will be after
If they were mean before, they will be after
If they were nice before and mean after, they were always mean just good at covering it up.
The last one I think would have been my MIL. She always said "you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar" She did live this with friends but I saw the nasty side when she did not get her own way. Filters are gone when Dementia comes into the picture. So that false niceness goes away and the real person emerges.
My SILs father had ALZ. My SIL is a B. Its all about her. When my niece was here a couple of years back, we were shopping SIL called her while we were checking out. Niece said she was checking out and would call her when we got back to the car. She did and SIL did not answer. Niece said "she does this all the time". When SIL returned nieces call it was something that SIL could have told her when she got home. Niece was only here 2 days. I was going to talk to her later and make sure she has set boundries with her Mom because at 71 at the time, it will get worse especially if BIL goes first. There is also a possibility that she could get ALZ and I am sure those filters will drop and she will be hell to live with. Me, I can get along with her but always waiting for that shoe to drop. I did not speak or visit for 10 yrs because of the way I and my husband were treated at one visit. Never an apology.
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