My 92 yo father with with end stage Alzheimer's is still hanging on. He is barely conscious, and not eating more than a bit of ice cream daily. His hospice nurse came today and admitted she was very shocked he is still with us. Thankfully he is peaceful most of the time.
He and my Mom live in apartment near me. I am the only one of 5 kids nearby so I am naturally the one that does most of the caregiving. But in these last few weeks all of my sibs and inlaws have come to visit and take on a lot of care. An aide comes 3x a week, and hospice 2x per week. I read all these forum entries about difficult, dysfunctional families and parents and thank my lucky stars I don't have that added burden! We are a drama-free, loving supportive bunch.
He has seen all his children and many grandchildren this week. I have told him how much everyone loves him, and what a wonderful life he has had. I assured him we would all take care of Mom. I told him we would all understand if he wanted to let go and leave. He has "seen" his brother and parents lately, and I told him he was free to go to them.
But he is still hanging on.
We all just wish he could just finally pass and be at peace.
The last 2 days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. Mom usually said "no, just go to sleep". After reading posts about unfinished business I started answering with saying the bills were all paid, the paperwork was all put away, the checkbook was balanced, his e-mail correspondence was caught up, the lawn was mowed and the Yankees won. He noticeably relaxed and could doze off for a couple hours.
When he finally passed there were 10 of us surrounding his bed, all gently laying a hand on him. We took turns telling Dad our last good byes, thanking him for being such a good father, assuring him we would take care of Mom. He passed in a room bursting with love and respect for him.
In hindsight we can never know why he hung in so long. Maybe it is simply because he was incredibly healthy. He was old, but had no heart disease, kidney trouble, high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes or anything. This time last year he was golfing and driving! Alzheimer's does not take a life in a kindly manner.
Thanks to all of you who offered your personal stories and advice. It was very helpful to know people who had been through it were kind enough to help me go through it as well.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father but, I must say what an inspiring message of what I consider to be a triumphant moment. I mean no disrespect when I say I smiled when during his last two days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. I love that you told him all of the things that were taken care of! Death is never easy but, what a wonderful way for him to leave with all of you in the next room being together as a family, each one spending private time alone at his bedside and then finally all 10 of you surrounding his bed laying a gentle hand on him. He knew and felt all your love and respect - it doesn't get any better than that. And though it is a very sad time for all of you, I'm so glad it was filled with such beautiful moments for him as well as the rest of your family. You will always have those precious memories to reflect on. I know you will be supporting and loving one another as you all begin the grieving process. You are extremely fortunate to having a great family!
God bless you and your family -
You are having a tough time reconciling that he not the person he once was. You may miss that person and feel resentment for the stranger that has hijacked his body. It is painful torture to watch someone slip by.
From your description, your Dad will not likely live long. When he is gone you will miss this person too. You may even long to go back to this time.
Try to enjoy his life and your life now. It is hard to be positive in the face of loss, but look for those silver linings. Accept that he is doing his best. Sit with him and love him for who he is. Play his favorite music of his youth, read him his favorite author, share clips of Johnny Carson, Lawrence Welk, vintage football footage, John Wayne, whatever he liked and whatever relaxed him once. You may experience some “Awakening” moments that will be precious to you someday.
Give your dad as much love as you can because this time will seem fleeting when you later reflect.
Anyway, I dont have anything profound to say but reading your story brings me back to those days and I very much send my best wishes for now and the days and months to follow.
I think you are also being better than I was as you see the end is here an wish he would peacefully move on, whereas I was trying to squeeze out every last day and that was not always to his benefit. (e.g I was getting care workers to fee him even when he didnt seem hungry, as I thought that would keep him around longer. The care workers said if hes not hungry hes not hungry and force feeing him will cause more discomfort.
BUT even 90+ yr old bodies can be stronger than imagined. Has he quit taking water do his jaws seem locked? Are his extremities mottled a wee bit blue in appearance? As to brain dead (life support) you’d look for fingers hands toes curling turning if you will. There are physical signs to look for. Best of all is to be at peace with this (you & them) and let them do what they need to do.
When my dad was near death in 2004 and was no longer able to speak as he was slipping away, I - just like yourself sat beside his bedside and read out loud my favorite passages to him of reassurance of his eternal home to come (I had led him to the Lord just two weeks prior). My husband was with me at the time in my parent's living room where hospice had set up his hospital bed. While I was reading I heard him make this loud groan that not only startled me, but scared me. I whispered to my husband I don't think I should keep reading to him but, my husband signaled to me to keep reading. It was such a strange moment and I always wondered what it meant.
Something similar happened when I was at the hospital when my half-sister was dying and they had just taken her off the ventilator. Her ex-husband who she was friends with and my mom talked to her but as soon as I said something, she did the exact same thing - just sounded a little more scary. I'll never forget those strange moments.
So glad you had that special moment with your dad!
As an RN, I have cared for terminal patients. Some will wait until all the family is gathered to pass. Some prefer the privacy and wait until all are out of the room. Some need to know that "life tasks" are completed or taken care of. I had a Catholic patient that needed last rites before passing, and she was in a coma. All this to say, he will pass when he is ready and God says "Come home."
Our hospice nurse suggested that there was "unfinished business" when my mil lingered much longer than expected. She had stated often she wanted us to go to WDW after she passed, so that day I bought tickets online for WDW. I told her I'd just bought our tickets, she nodded (she had not communicated with us for two weeks except for one day when she verbally relived her entire life), and forty-five minutes after that nod, she passed.
So, if your dad is still lingering, is it possible that there is unfinished business of some sort?
Finally, as my children got ready to go back to their homes, we told mom we were going to go to the dining room for lunch together. Just before we sat down, Dad decided to go check on her. She was gone, we had not been out of the room 5 minutes. She was waiting for us to leave her alone! Mm was leaving on her own terms, and we had been messing those up by staying beside her.
Good luck with your part of this journey with your father. May you both find peace.
She had told us the week before that the train was arriving on Wednesday and sure enough, she passed on Wednesday.
Usually there is something that hinders a soul from moving on. Everyone knows the phrase "unfinished business". Its the need to find an answer to something, Anything we are unclear of. So that brings us to an enigma. If someone suffers from Alzheimers or Dimentia, how will they find clarity. How can they move on. It frustrates them (I think). When my husband was Ill,(God rest him) we talked about letting go. I made him promise to not linger. Because when I pass, I want to be with him. I believe that souls that don't let go of the living world, may get lost in limbo, searching for that answer. If he is still able to speak, or even listen, your family can talk to him. Bring up memories. Good and bad times. Gather everyone and talk about stuff. Reminisce. He will hear you. I've been there before. With my husband, his room full of family and friends, sharing stories. He was not conscious. He passed the next morning.
I am an eldercare provider. I had 3 patients on Hospice. Not all at once, because every single one of them deserved my all. The last one to pass, was asking to see me. She was adamant about it to everyone. "Find Cindy"! I finally got in touch with her neighbor and was able to make it to her bedside. She was not conscious, but her attendants told us she can hear us. Her neighbor and I were the only ones in her room. So we spoke to her. I held her hand and poured out my heart. We both noticed her complexion change. She looked peaceful and happy. 3 minutes went by as we were talking when we noticed she left. TOD 17:36 Feb 4th 2020.
Yes, I do tend to go on and on. Just know that the experiences I've had the past 4 years have taught me a lot. Your family has compassion. A lot of it. Take a family get together to him. Talk. Laugh. Share. He might just find his unfinished business, and go into the light. Blessed be.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful story of your husband's passing. His two regrets were so romantic! He must have been quite the man, and you must have had quite the marriage for him to die with just two regrets from his life.
I hope you can finally fill your empty shell with something worthwhile and come to peace. You made his last days filled with love and comfort and that is such an achievement. Bless you.
Jesus is always right on time! Many times I have been comforted knowing that HIS timing is always the perfect time.
Your dad is very blessed and your family dynamics says a great deal about the man you call dad. No doubt he will be missed, but what a beautiful legacy he has left.
Great big warm hug!🤗💗
I am sorry that you and your family are going through this.
(Funny that the image is so clear to me but Grandfather and Uncle Tom aren't there. Maybe they are polishing the golf clubs for a round of heavenly golf!)
He will finally die, but in his own time. His death will be painless and peaceful. My wife lived in a coma for 14 days before finally taking her last breath. The family was there for her and I was comforted in the fact that her passing was so peaceful.
The Lord bless you.
Thank you for sharing your story of your wife's passing. As difficult as this is, I can't help but feel honored to be such a part of my Dad's final transition. Hearing your story made that even more clear to me.
When my mother passed 16 years ago I too told her that I would take care of my father and that we would be fine. She was mostly unconscious at the time. She passed a couple of days later. Earlier this month my father passed. That week he was visited by several family members. Without saying it out loud we knew we were saying goodbye. The day before he passed I reminded him of all who had visited him and that we were all doing well and would be okay.
It's nice to hear that you have a close loving family. That makes a world of difference dealing with the situation. On a similar note I read a lot of the bad experiences on this site that people have with nursing homes and hospice. But we actually had a very good experience with the NH he was in and ultimately the hospice personnel. That too helped make a big difference.
I'm fine now with his passing because he can be with my mom again. I hope you, your family and your father find peace soon too.
Im sorry for the recent loss of your father. It sounds like his final passing was full of family and love. No one can ask for more.
People tend to believe that people are not "letting go". Dying isn't that easy. It isn't up to our conscious mind.
I am so glad to hear there is such a loving group. Don't be surprised to feel both a gut punch when he is gone AS WELL AS relief that he won't have to suffer anymore, and you won't have to stand helplessly watching it.
I hope peace will come for you all soon. I am so sorry for your grief, and thankful for your support/
I loved the line from Nobodygetsit that "Jesus is never late-He is always on time". I needed to read that today and remember that. So my prayer for you and your family (and myself) is that you enjoy every last moment with your loved one, and when Jesus does come to take them Home, it will be peaceful for all involved. God bless you.
Thank you for taking time from your own ordeal to answer. I pray peace will come to your husband, and to you, quickly. Low doses of morphine administered every 4 hours has kept Dad pain free. Hospice should be able to provide pain relief even at home.
Prayers and hugs to you and yours.
Anyway, I'm going to visit them all today after this response. Just be with your Dad, because every moment is precious and if he's not in pain, I wouldn't cheat anyone out of a single breath of their lifetime. Just not my call to wish for anyone, when he's ready, that passing happens. They will be gone in that moment, forever. And the upside is that your Mom, whether you realize it or not that the parents are quite often a package deal. When one passes, if they are both near the finish line, that may trigger the other's passing. I don't wish losing 2 parents like that on anyone, well, at least anyone that I truly like as even strangers. With the dog & Dad, the dog seemed to decline as rapidly as Dad did, they both knew it was time to join Mom based upon where they both were healthwise. The dog was too much like Mom, even 5 years after her passing, Dad was the same old stubborn old fart he always was and they were both trying to see each other to the finish line and neither backed off from that challenge of which would go first. With pets you have a Euthanasia option, people get hospice. That's the only reason why the dog was 3 weeks earlier than Dad, because it was a dead heat for stubborn and who would go first. I buried the dog with Mom, told Dad what I did and he knew I would ensure that the 3 of them would be buried together before anything else was settled. The 3 are them are in their right sized forever home. No taxes, no money worries, no traffic, no chores, no work to be done. They are truly retired for eternity. There are going to be days and I'm 2 1/2 years in that rearview mirror that you still have the memories of both, all 3 of them in my case.
I love the fact that your parents and their dog are together. As an animal lover. I "get" that. There are probably people who think you are crazy for including the dog, but having their beloved pet with them can be comforting to your parents in their eternal rest.
Thank you.