Working on my exit plan. How to not feel guilty?
Well, all the pros seem to think Mom is competent.
She told the paramedic who was here assessing her (not formal, just do you know what day it is type crap) that she has a "team" praying that I suffer for 2 months before I die so that I feel guilty about the way I'm treating her.
Obviously, she's not well, but no one seems to see that but me.
SO, now that authorities say she's competent, I am free to leave.
Hubby and I are planning to rent out this half of the house and either rent a new place (which feels like throwing money away) or buying an RV and living in it while fixing up the other [little] house thats on the property.
I'm guessing (hoping?) that someone will realize she can't be home alone and intervene, but if not, we will at least have breathing space.
Then I think of this pitiful, sad old lady and feel like garbage. She has sure done a number on me; I can't even take care of myself without feeling guilty for abandoning her!
Your insistence that she is not is holding you there.
Leave the 911 call number there as you exit.
As to guilt:
DID YOU CAUSE your mom's problems?
No.
Can you FIX her problems?
NO.
Then you aren't guilty.
As to feeling GRIEF? Yes.
You do and you should. This is a sad impossible situation in which you have done what you could and it hasn't been enough. You have a right to your life. But this will be a source of grief, I would imagine, for your entire life. It is impossible to live without grieving.
The things I'm reading remind me of my mother's parents. At 83, they sold their home and moved into a retirement home where they had 3 meals, a nice place, and so on. For the most part, it worked very well. It wasn't perfect in the end for either of them, and it was sad at the end of my grandmother's life in particular, as she moved into extended care, and it was pretty awful. However, it was also necessary, and not many months before she died.
Meanwhile, my own mother, like yours, is pretending she's entirely capable and competent, and I'm finding it very hard on my mental health. Reading responses to you, I can see that my jumping (How high?) to solve things is enabling her when she should be living in a retirement home which she absolutely refuses - basically because she can get me to fill in the voids.
I have an email from her today, asking me to do something for her, and saying that she went to a local retirement home for some event which she said she enjoyed, and admired all the activities available, but stated adamantly, she could never live there and would never consent to it. (I suspect she went to check it out because she knows she just totally pissed me off.)
So here's the thing: These women have made decisions to live "independently" when it's frankly a miserable and nerve-wracking existence in some cases. They resent the daughters they guilt into helping them. And the basic problem is that they have refused to accept that in order to be "independent", they need to be somewhere where the services they need are available to them, and where people are paid to do that work.
Looking at many things I'm reading here, depending on your middle aged (and even senior - as I am) children (usually daughters) is and extremely selfish choice. If they would do the right thing and move to care, maybe we could have a decent experience with them.
Having said all of that, I believe my mother has more money than your mother does. However, perhaps there are subsidies that can help. Perhaps the rent from her side of your duplex. And perhaps your brothers can cough up something. If not, again ... My mother has spent buckets on having a lot of fun (6 marriages (all pretty brief, really), a great deal of travel, expensive vehicles, and other things) while I've worked since I was quite young and still have debt. She made her choices, and I'm working on trying to just let her take her own consequences. I'm not doing very well at it yet. I hope you can step back and step out, and you'd likely hope the same for me.
Maybe if your mom goes to more "activities" there she will start to feel more comfortable, comfortable enough to move there? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I can see how this happens.. I reckon my DH would do the same. He always said no personal-care but happy to drive people anywhere. Would see he was HELPING. Would not see he ENABLED.
I've stepped in that myself which is why I LEARNED.
I picked up a LO from a medical appointment & was told overnight care was required. Um NO I was NOT asked to do that & I will not be. A compromise of staying several hours was made - which I did. I also checked in via phone more. LO found to be jandiced on next visit, unable to manage pain or pain meds. Right.
So NEXT time from the outset I said loud & clear: I will not pick you up as I do not believe you can look after yourself.
So the next time, a different person did pickup & now they learned this lesson too!! 😆
If the brothers haven't lived this - they won't get it. Strongly suggesting they do so will be hard - they may mumble OK but still drive, drop & go & you'll be the one left on checkin duty. Hmm 🤔
Is it possible to have your brothers on the same page?
I'm not sure if they will be on the same page, BUT, with us leaving, they will need to be sure someone is looking after her. I have notified all the authorities (CCAC, Paramedics, her GP, social worker, as well as my brothers) that I am no longer involved. CCAC called me today to set up a visit, I'm like nope, already told you I am no longer involved! and gave them my brother's phone number. I'm sure they think I'm a terrible human, but seriously, I've screamed to the heavens for help and it hasn't happened!
I guess at some point I will explain to them what their responsibility in picking her up might be, and leave it up to them to sort out.
I think I finally understand what MargaretMcken and ZippyZee meant when they told me on my post about continuing to enable my mom's independance
In order to change that, we have to take away all reason for her to continue living here
I’m working on this as well with my mom, so I really can empathize. I’m always reading articles about this, and about adult child relationships with parents at different points through life. The following is the best advice I’ve seen. It was from a therapist who blogs online. (Sorry, I can’t recall her name.)
I’m paraphrasing here;
”You will often feel guilt when you’re setting new boundaries with a close relative. This is normal. Acknowledge the guilt, while knowing that it is not reasonable for the situation. Most importantly do NOT Cave-in, because of it ! CARRY ON (with your own life) DESPITE feeling some guilt, and in time it will be gone.”
Yesterday I went shopping, and when I got home the paramedics were here. Mom has another blockage, the 5th now since November. But this time, she refused to go to the hospital they were bringing her to. She seems to think she can pick and choose. (In Canada! lol) Anyways, I had a chat with the chief guy, and he was PISSED. I mean PISSED! He happened to have already been here for 2 of these calls, and he was also the guy who sent the paramedic out last week to talk with us, so he is well aware of the situation. He told her next time, call a taxi! Stop wasting resources. And he says to me, have you thought about placing her in a home? LMAO Dude, please take her! I'm trying.
They're supposed to send someone this Sunday to do a MoCa. I'll believe it when I see it. In the meantime, I am refusing to cave in, and I am calling all the contractors to get the other place sorted out!
If she's competent, she can figure out how to get home on her own.
You ALL need to stop propping her up.
They do offer to pick her up from the hospital and bring her home, which is a regular occurence.
I did give up a job. No one sees that loss of income is a factor here as well. Now I drive a school bus. Not a lot of money, but the hours are something I can work with in this situation.
I don't do hands on caregiving (I don't change diapers or give showers) but I do literally everything else. She can't even write a grocery list by herself.
I guess that's why I woul feel guilty for stepping back, because I know that she can't even write a grocery list by herself, even though everyone else seems to think she is competent!"
Yes, your 2 brothers have every right to do what they wish with their own lives, but by picking your mother up from the hospital to take her back home, they are interfering in YOUR life. YOU gave up a job -- not them. Realize that they get to do nothing because you do everything. Why are you okay with that?
So you don't do diapers or showers, but everything else? (And what would happen if she did need assistance with those things?)
I don't think you really intend to change anything. You write about how things are sad. I think it's sad that you won't put yourself first. Mama won't die. If you remove yourself from the scene, one or maybe both of your brothers will step up....or not.
Who has POA? No one? HCPOA? If everyone thinks Mama is competent, then let her have control of her own life. Substitute real independence for YOU in place of her "independence"' that you enable.
I guess what is sad about the situation is that the health care system won't step in and do anything. But yes, I am out now. I'm already notifying all the agencies that I am no longer involved and they will have to communicate directly with her.
She has someone come 2x/week to do showers.
"Yes, your 2 brothers have every right to do what they wish with their own lives, but by picking your mother up from the hospital to take her back home, they are interfering in YOUR life. YOU gave up a job -- not them. Realize that they get to do nothing because you do everything. Why are you okay with that?"
WOW, you're so right. I see it now, what you are saying. And no, I'm not ok with it!
I did sign an agreement with mom and a lawyer that she could live here as long as she wishes. Verbatim: "The parties hereto agree that [Mom] shall continue to live at the Property for as long as she wishes, and for as long as her residence there remains safe and in er best interests. [Mom] shall never be asked to vacate the premises for any reason other than her own care requirements as determined by [Mom's] attorney under Power of Attorney for Personal Care, should [Mom] become and remain incapable of making her own accommodation decisions at some point in the future."
I have already met with a lawyer to discuss this and what, exactly, I am responsible for. So now that professionals say she is competent, I am free to leave. It won't be abandonment and I won't be doing anything wrong.
If after 3-4 months of this arrangement she proves capable of being here by herself, then I will have ample income from renting out half this house plus the little house to be able to sign a lease somewhere else, and hopefully spend some time deciding where my life will take me next!
Get out while the getting is good, which is what my friend used to say!
Although, if you are working on the other house on the property with an eye to moving into it, you are still on the property. Suggestion: Do whatever it takes not to be on the property at all. AT ALL. If you're there, you risk getting sucked back in.
A side note: my mom seems very competent too, while sitting on the couch watching TV, knowing her name and that it's a Sunday. Then, as you well know, just wait a few minutes........
I wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation
Guilt is for felons and evil doers. It infers that you CAUSED this and you are for your own evil purposes keeping it going.
The word that pertains for you is Grief.
Grief understands that there is no answer to many things, that not everything can be fixed, and that some things must just be endured.
Endurance doesn't mean you give up your own life on an altar to others. It means that you will have to learn to build your own life despite the grief you feel for others.
You know we all are in your corner.
Guilt seems to be the default, but you are totally right, it's grief.
I tried, and it didn't work, and it's just so sad, but I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't abused her or intentionally hurt her. I really did try. And now I need to work on my own life. Thank you.
Good Luck.
If you do rent out your half of duplex, please be merciful and inform the new tenent to *not* enable your Mom, so that they can avoid being innocent victims that get sucked into the vortex. Tell them to just keep calling 911 if she asks for help.
Now is your chance, take it, fly like a bird.
You have done your duty, you are not powerful enough to make her more than she really is, happiness is an inside job.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck forever.
The only way that she will get the help she needs is by you walking away,
How did you get sucked into this caregiving situation in the beginning? I take it you own the duplex? Is your mother paying rent for her side?
How many brothers do you have? And they do nothing? Do they visit?
How much caregiving do you do? Did you give up a job for her?
Why should YOU feel guilty for stepping back?
I do own the home. It was their home, but I sold mine and bought this and moved here. She pays "rent" but it's very little and just covers some of the bills, she wouldn't have been able to afford to stay here alone with her pension.
I have 2 brothers and they were clear that they weren't going to be caregivers. I was resentful at first, but I totally get it. They had and have every right to do as they wish with their lives.
They do offer to pick her up from the hospital and bring her home, which is a regular occurence.
I did give up a job. No one sees that loss of income is a factor here as well. Now I drive a school bus. Not a lot of money, but the hours are something I can work with in this situation.
I don't do hands on caregiving (I don't change diapers or give showers) but I do literally everything else. She can't even write a grocery list by herself.
I guess that's why I woul feel guilty for stepping back, because I know that she can't even write a grocery list by herself, even though everyone else seems to think she is competent!
Being "there" gives all the professionals the false impression that she needs no further support or treatment because you are there, propping up her charade of independence.
Leave and the facade is gone.
Have you read Never Simple by Liz Scheier?