Is it wrong to give someone false hope?

Hang in there Dana, Someone who has more experience will be here to give you some knowledgeable advice. May God bless you.

Dear DanaLee,

You are very loving and caring daughter. Honestly, I would do the same thing. I would hate to see my mother so distressed. Have you talked to her doctor? Can they change her medications? Counselling? Change in diet? I know its not easy. I know you are only trying to comfort her by saying she will go home soon.

I'm know others with more experience will give more insight.

If her crying and requests to be taken home are increasing then maybe she needs to have her medications readjusted. It is possible that her vascular dementia has become worse and that her current medications are not as effective as they used to be.

I know that it is hard for you to hear your Mom asking to be taken home. My Mom used to cry every time I visited or every time we talked on the telephone. It tore my heart out to hear her cry:( The Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner put Mom on some antidepressants and other mood stabilizing medications and that has helped a lot. Now Mom cries occasionally when I visit and rarely when I talk to her on the phone.

I suggest that you seek some counseling to help you cope with your Mom's health problems and the stress of this situation. Take care of yourself. God Bless!

My mom never asked to go home. But over the course of 4 years with vascular dementia, her agitation would increase every few months and her psych meds would need to be upped to keep her calm.

Definitely get a behavioral health specialist to see her.

Teepa Snow has said that when someone with dementia asks to go home, they are often asking to go to a place in their lives where they knew where they were and when they had a purpose. They sometimes ask to "go home" when they are in their own houses. I don't think answering honestly is going to help. Good advice from other posters.

Thanks, all. We take mom to a psychiatric geriatrician regularly. I will check with the doctor and see if they can alter any meds. I hate to have mom drugged to the point that she is 'out of it', but I also can't stand for her to be crying all the time. I was/am afraid that by my telling her 'soon', it may be causing her anxiety to increase instead of help. Much appreciate your opinions.

Marcia7321 - you are right - I love Teepa Snow and she is so good with this stuff. I forgot about that issue of 'going home'. How true it is. When my mom fell and broke her hip, she was in a facility for 40 days - she wanted to come home then as well, obviously. When we got her home, she started asking me about 'going home - this isn't home'.....Thanks much for the reminder.

Going home may also mean that she wants to be in a place with her other loved ones that have gone before her, maybe your dad. Hope is what keeps us all going...for a better time and place. Taking her to a geriatric psychiatrist is someone who can help her. Maybe she needs her meds adjusted or placed on a mild antidepressant. Maybe when she asks to go home, you can say that you understand . God bless her and you. You are doing a great job by just even visiting because it shows her that you love and care for her. The best to you and your mom. Hang in there...things will get better. And when all is said and done, you will have no regrets because you did all you could.

No, it is not wrong.

I remember so clearly t he day I realized that I needed to simply appease my mother--not be candid or "honest." My mom would not remember anything I said for five minutes. So, why break bad news over and over?

You appease. That is not false hope in this situation. It is kindness. As a friend of mine recently said, with dementia, all the rules change.

Good luck and big hug!

One more thing: YES to the correct meds. My mom mad e a huge recovery on the right meds and she was most certainly not "out of it." She still beat me at cards!!!!!!!!!! Without mercy!!!!!

Check on adjusting the medications. My MIL is 87 and still independent and living at home but right after her daughter died MIL told me she had a thought just pop into her head while watering flowers at home, "I want to go home". She said this was a strong feeling and came out of nowhere....I know she deeply misses the past, her sisters and husband have all died and now her daughter. Sometimes people say they want to be with their deceased loved ones, or definitely wish they could go back to the past.

Watch Naomi Feil on emphatic listening, she has several suggestions on how to answer what your mom is really asking you. I was impressed with the peace she speaks of when you really connect with what your loved one is really saying.

need to tell the home about it!!!!!! tell them .b/c they may only have one reason they do not evaluate her is the in my opinion run & give them medicine to keep there cost down & so they dont have problems.. here a true example my mom was getting rehab for strength ..so the home had prescribe her a pill that will take care of urinary incontinence well her urologist before she even went there said not pills like that should not have them but they the home prescribe anyway but she had a catheter so she did not need them so they had them in case but they do not care about the patient they only care what makes it easy for them ..so if they do not help you then get her out of there & before doing that go talk to other homes & ask them if they will help ..& my mom use to say i want to go home & she was talking about passing away . so might have to take her to a psychiatrist to ....you might have to get her out of that home & take her to a psychiatrist then put her in another home ..but if your gut feeling agrees to what i say then it is true ..good luck

I wasn't totally honest with my MIL. I would ask her if she wanted fruity ice cream and give her yogurt because she would only enjoy eating it if she thought it were ice cream. I adhere to the eight limbs of yoga, which states that the principle of non-harming overrides all other principles, including the principle of truth.

The question then is which is less harming: letting your mother know that she won't be coming home or telling her that she'll be coming home soon, when it's clearly not soon.

She is not remembering that you told her that she could "go home" "soon" or "in a few weeks" she will not remember if you tell her that she is home, this is your home now, a place where people can take care of you.
Many times a person will ask to "go home" it is not home but maybe to a time and place where they felt safe, well, happy.
I agree that the next time you take her to the doctor this needs to be discussed particularly if this is an increased agitation for her.
Just tell her that you want her safe, cared for and that she is safe where she is and cared for by people that know how to care for her. Then give her a hug and a kiss.

You are not wrong to tell fibs to her....You are doing so lovingly. If she is able, you may be able to take her for ride in the car a couple of times a month..Other times you may say the doctor is on vacation for another week and when he/she gets back you will ask when she may go home. Show her a scrapbook of photos of old times at home. Bring her favorite cookbook or recipe and ask her some questions about how to make it. Is there a wedding album? If so, bring it and ask questions about the photos in it. Make up different stories of when she can go home in a few weeks, but not just yet.

Read easy stories to her...Read the religious things she remembers, as for example, Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.)

When she jumps back on the "go home" wagon, listen politely and then say something like, "Guess who I saw at Walmart yesterday...."

To me, the ball is always in the court of the caregiver...Bearing in mind that the burden of the patient is very distressing to the patient, be thankful for the good years and also that God has given you a servant's heart to care for yur love one..

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Tell her she will go home when she is well. It is not a lie. She will get well. It is said that death by natural causes is the ultimate healing. And heaven is our true home.

First, It is very difficult and heartbreaking to go through this. I have been a speech Language Pathologist for 30 years working with patients in varying stages of dementia.
There is something called Validation Therapy that works fairly well with this situation.
You can research it, but if can also find a support group for yourself, others may have excellent things that have worked.
The idea is, first to validate their feelings. Saying things like, “I know you loved your home.” “What is the first thing you would do if you were there? “
“How would you feel if you were home right now”

Then if they respond with any type of positive feeling, go with that. So, if they say “I would feel safe” “Or “I would feel busy”
Then respond to that.
You can say things like “I noticed that when someone (holds your hand, brushes your hair, hugs you, wraps you up in a blanket) you look like you feel safe.
Or you can ask them who her makes you feel safe? What do they do that you like.?
Then you can do those things with them.
If they only say negative things, you can say things like “I noticed when you were home you liked to rock in a rocking chair, or you liked to listen to ____music, or you liked to fix things.” Then you find and do something similar with them.
If you say “This is your home now” that is very distressing as it isn’t their home.
Instead find the emotion(fear, anger, confusion, boredom, restlessness, etc). Then find what activity they used to do they enjoyed, and replicate that.
If you go online you can find things like busy aprons that can keep a person’s hands busy. It is an apron with built in zipper, a Velcro buckle, a large button, etc that a person can fiddle with if they are anxious.
You are the best person to problem solve this, because you know your loved one better than anyone. Look at Melissa and Doug toys-they have wooden fruit to slice with a wooden knife, and a variety of activities like that.
I really hope this helps a little. It is a kind validating way to interact. Memory books with pictures of favorite tools, garden produce etc can also be comforting, but you have to go through it with them. You cannot just hand it to them.

One more thing, the further into the dementia a person gets, the more creative you have to get. If they are restless and can walk,just walk with them holding their hand if they will let you. If they are non responsive, you can use mirroring, music to help them feel safe. No matter what they are doing, they are communicating something.
No matter what please do not discount what they are communicating with things like “You can’t go home@

Dana, "Hope" is never false......telling your Mom that she is coming or 'going' home soon, is not lying......we all are going HOME one day.........I believe giving comfort and love and hope is the same, let your Mom kept her faith and hope that some day, one day she will be Home, and with you too some day.....this is all true. It may sound like semantics, but all the same, it is True.....Take care, sweetheart........

There is nothing wrong with false hope. Why tell her the truth and what will you gain especially if she loses the little hope that she has now. This is so sad for you but it would be worse for your Mom.

As you can see we are validating your response to your mother. It is called a therapeutic fib. My dad has V. Dementia too and since moving to LTC (NH) he is so unhappy and cries a lot as he missed his friends from AL. He feels he is not as out of it as the others and wants us to move him back. We can’t because they won’t let him based on him being in a wheelchair and needing transfers. It breaks my heart. He is now becoming mean to me and saying awful things. In my opinion having dementia is far worse than cancer. And I know because my mom died of a brain tumor.

While reading Kate's post it came to me that HOME could be Heaven too. Those with Church in their lives call it "going home".

Hope is in very short supply for those of us caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's, Parkinsons and advancing dementia of any kind. My wife has Alzheimer's and I have been comforted by a song that speaks to another kind of hope. My wife even sings along. You can find it on any of the online music sites like Spotify, iTunes, GooglePlay or Amazon Music. It is by Phil King and titled " Halfway to Heaven." Here's a link to it on Amazon Music: www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-music&field-keywords=halfway+to+heaven+an+alzheimer%27s

DanaLee, I agree with others who've said it's not wrong to appease your mom. My dad has been asking me to take him home almost every day for the past four years and what works best is for me to tell him it's too late tonight or I'm on my bicycle and can't take him right now and then follow that with "Get a good night's sleep and a good breakfast in the morning and then we'll go." He always tells me that sounds like a good plan. And then we go through it again a minute later, and an hour later, and the next day, over and over. He's 96 with late-stage Alzheimer's and believes his mom and dad are at his childhood home (except when he thinks I'm his dad, but he still wants to go home).

I'm going though the same thing with my Mom. You are definitely not alone! I've tried the I'm looking into alternatives and that her house was sold. That just upsets her. She gets angry and says she didn't give us permission to sell her house. (We actually owned it). I guess telling her soon and that I'm working on it gives her some hope and settles her till the next time. But I understand just how awful that makes you feel. I never would lie to my parents before. We are going on 7 years and she thinks it has been a few weeks or months. I am actually looking into a much nicer place for her that just opened up to Medicaid recipents, but seeing the comments about those that were moved and missing old friends from AL makes me wonder if that would be a good idea.

I think you need to keep listening to your instincts. Your answer may change as her condition changes but since it can often be hard to know how much her condition has changed with dementia and because it will often change for the better and worse from day to day maybe finding little ways to check that out for yourself will help your piece of mind. For instance, asking her what she wants to do or what she pictures filling her time with most when she gets home could both help you figure out where "home" is for her at that time as well as give her something positive to focus on and talk about rather than feeling upset about what she can't do or where she is, focus her on dreams instead of regrets. You could ask her if she is remembering or understanding why she is where she is, does she have a sense of what her issues are or what she could be doing there for herself in a positive way. Is she aware of the "fun" or enjoyable things available to her where she is, is she taking advantage of them? For her who lives with her "at home" is she not feeling at home where she is because someone is missing? Do your visits remind her she isn't home or did you visit when she was home as well? Might changing something about her surroundings, photo's a piece of furniture for instance give her more of a sense of being home? Maybe changing the words used in conversation could help with this? I'm just throwing things out here. Where there discussions about moving to a facility at some point before her dementia reached a point that required it? Was she part of the decision to move her there at the time she did, was she moved there strictly because of the dementia or did, does she have other medical issues? For me all of these things might alter the way I approach my answers and discussions because to me there is likely a difference in her ability to make sense of it all if she was part of the decision at some point rather than having it all happen or there is a physical affliction that makes it up to doctors and tests to determine when she's ready to "go home", the topic and her feelings or resolve about it somewhere in her long term memory as opposed to only part of her shorter term memory since dementia has taken hold might make a difference. One offers the possibility of a conversation that helps her feel a bit more back in control the other might make her feel less in control and I know the sense of control and understanding what is going on in her life, day directly affects my moms anxiety level. It might be similar for yours. Whatever you try or helps you feel more confident in your instincts, because no one knows your mom the way you do in any given moment. So the best thing you can do for her is trust and follow your instincts even if they son't feel right on the money 100% of the time, your heart is obviously in the right place and approaching these things for and with your mom listening to your informed (consulting professionals and others with experience as you are) instincts from your heart is the best anyone can do and far better than many patients get. Your mom is a lucky woman and knows it even if she can't always express it well.

My Mom does that, too (and she is home!). She also "cries" most times without tears. With sundowners, with/or without dementia, you don't know where "home" is.  I usually tell Mom "maybe tomorrow." I have read where you shouldn't tell them that they are home, but it's hard not to. It doesn't click with Mom either way. Sometimes I will take her out and then back home and say, "We are home." My neighbor used to take her dad out the front door, turn him around and say, "Is this home?" and he said, Yes. Then she took him back inside. I don't think it is giving your Mom false hope. She probably doesn't understand. You are trying to keep her calm.

In my opinion, please give her hope. I absolutely don't see anything wrong with that. Please have peace with your decision.

My dad tells me when im leaving he is coming home with me. I have been fighting tooth and nail to get him home.It is the care home and others rub off on him, the min we outside he allmost back to normal. I have to gp through human rights now to get h home, before its to late.

Why are they in a carehome.