I'm new to this sight and I think divine intervention led me here today! It has been a particularly bad day dealing with my 92 year old father who has mid-stage dementia, diabetes and congestive heart failure. He's become so dependent on me and lately has been asking me to do things that I know he's capable of doing for himself. Tonight I had had enough of his demands and blew up! I even told him if he wasn't happy here to find someplace else to live! I felt horrible after I said it but he's really pushing my buttons lately. My husband was understanding and backed me up because he hates to see my dad make me jump through hoops all the time. Is it wrong to insist that they do things on their own and only offer assistance if I know he can't do it? I don't want dad to feel like I don't want him here but I don't want him to become totally dependent before his time. How do I back this up without feeling so much guilt?
I know its hard not to fee guilty...but we can only take so much. One thing I have realized in the last couple of days....is that when mom begins her ranting and raving (I usually take and take and take until I blow)....I can sit down here and pour my heart out here.
It is not wrong to insist that our parents do as much for themselves as possible.
Hang in there!
Just remember, we are going to make it.
That said...we have made a commitment to help our parents and that means learning to deal with them and what seem to be demands. I don't know the type of things your dad wants you to do for him but at 92 they are pretty helpless. Add in health issues and they become even more helpless. We may think they can do things but often they are really tired of having to do and want to be cared for. I agree they should do as much as possible if only to keep them active but as they decline, they will require more assistance. That is scarey.
Before you get to the end of your fuse, you need to talk to your husband to see if he or someone else can watch your dad while you go for a walk or just take a shower and let it out. There is a lot of relief crying in this group. We all feel better after we get it out. Keeping a journal where you can vent is also helpful.
Consider how you would react to your dad's requests if he wasn't your dad but someone you were taking care of. I have adopted a professional manner in taking care of my 90-year old mother. I give her lots of encouragement when she does something that she says she can't. Sometimes the endless demands just sap your last ounce of patience which is when you need to remove yourself from the situation. For most of us, just having a moment to ourselves is enough to get us back "in the game." When I am exhausted I let my partner or sister know I just need some uninterrupted sleep.
Work on your dad's behaviors and be certain that you aren't asking too much of him for his age and condition. From what I have read on this site, I think too high expectations and denial of our parent's decline are two things that make our lives more stressful.
Take care of yourself. You are a good daughter to help your dad!
Julie Q
Look, I think if we were not good children, we wouldn't be doing this. I take care of my mom because I love her . . . you couldn't pay me enough to put up with some of the insanity. My mother's doctors told me that you have to reverse roles with your parent. You are now the parent and your dad is the child. Would you let your child get away with what your dad is doing? Sometimes you have to be firm. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. The more your dad does the better. The day will come when he won't be able to help. So, make him help while he can. And please don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to all of us.
I've added some to these stories off and on. But I've have not found a story quite like mine. Is there anyone with a similiar situation like mine. My husband is 58. 1 1/2 years ago he was diagnosed with Dementia. The one I think they call MID. He has had a stroke with right side brain damage. He still has most of his memory. He'll forget little things like taking his meds, taking a shower, etc... He started about 6 months ago with loosing control of his bowels. About 2 months ago he started wetting. I have sense then convinced him to wear what we call seat covers. He thinks it's funny. He laughs inappropriately alot, otherwise he really has no emotions. All he will do is sit around alot. He does do alot of starring. Mostly at me. I wonder what he is thinking. A friend of the family has moved in a few months ago to help fix the things around the house my husband cannot remember how to do. (He is a godsend.) His smoking is another big problem. If I don't buy his cigs, he will walk 10 miles to town to get them. He does not get lost and pretty much knows everyone. He will smoke up to 3 packs a day. I've tried giving him only 1 pack a day. It didn't work. The doctor has tried Chantix. It did not work.
I know with him being only 58, I have a long road ahead. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.
Jules, after joining this site Monday, it has already helped me so much...as far as venting....and reading other peoples story. I guess there maybe no answers for everybody...but just being able to vent...and know there are other people who understands.
i apologized to her this a.m and said that im just so dang tired i dont know what to do sometimes. she apologized too and said she was sorry i was so tired and that she was the cause of it. ive been interupted 3 times while i type this. mom just tosses trash on the floor and goes away. i told her i wasnt her maid and theres a trash can right behind her. but i didnt yell. i remained calm. we did the trash together. because i remember(even when she doesnt), i know shes tired and sorry too.
I spend alot of time going back and reading all of the comments. My heart goes out to everyone. Especially caregivers. There are no words that can describe the love and affection that they show to their family and friends in need. Lord knows it is not because of the pay. HA! And then there are the times family and friends are quick to judge you and some get down right nasty about it. They might not like how you do somethings, but they are the last to jump in and help. If they would only spend a day or two with them they would understand more.
I just feel lost most of the time. Physically I can see the man I married. Mentally he fades in and out. It's the (out time) I can't seem to get use to. I have found that if I put a movie in the DVD player, he will sit a watch it forever. Even when the credits are rolling, he will sit and just watch. It's ironic. Parents will play movies to keep kids quiet on a bad day. I do it to keep my adult content.
Well, we're off to the doctor tomorrow to see if he has had another mild stroke. I hope not! But then that would explain the big changes in him this week.
God Bless!
This site has really helped since I joined on Monday!
Maybe no answers....but encouragement...and somewhere to vent!
jules, just remember that he IS the man you married no matter what he might act like or do. he probably laughs because he just doesnt know what else to do. i bet neither of you ever thought it would come to this. he probably feels quilty that you have to do all that for him. but that guilt and the uncomfortablness in his new "bathroom problems" is him telling you without words that its still him and he loves you and doesnt want to put you through this. but you do obviously because you love him. and because of that, tell him you love him too and you all can work together on it. dont feel guilty about the tv. i yell at my mom because she watches so much of it and gets frantic without it. Then i turn around and use it as a "babysitter". ive just learned to calm her down when she gets frantic and let her watch.
Sometimes, I make this dish, that he has taken the liberty to name after me, but it has bell pepper, garlic, onion, mushrooms, chicken, shrimp, in an Alfredo sauce, that sits nicely on some noodles....well he wears as much as he eats, so we decided to blend it up too....that was a whatchamacallit smoothie.
Very minimal to no choking with smoothies, plus he gets it basically chewed up already. I don't do it for everything....I wont blend my cheesecake...thats just sacrilegious
My mom doesn't have the problem eating like you guys problems. However, when dad was still alive (stayed with him and mom during most of that time), when were were eating, dad would get choked and go to the kitchen sink to get it up....well my meal was over...I understand some of what you guys are talking about.
I wish he would listen to books on tape but his hearing is gone so he won't even try. He used to read all the time but now he can't follow a story or a television program. Does anyone have help come in like Comfort Keepers or a homemaking service? How does that work out? Sometimes dad doesn't take too well to someone new in the house. He was downright ugly to a few of his therapists that came. I was thinking if someone could come in a couple of times a week and read to him or maybe play a game with him he might try new things. He won't let me do it.
Just trying to alleviate any extra worry I have.
mom wont listen to books on tape. neither of us ever did. ive got a small case of AADD so books on tape doesnt hold my attention. give me a regular book and im deaf to the world for hours.
If I make a pasta, I use whole wheat noddles vs. the standard variety, and I actually find the taste of them to be better.
Whole wheat bread, is better than bleached white bread.
All Natural is better for anyone.
High Fructose Corn Syrup is bad stuff. Avoid it.