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hello kb and dh I had to laugh about the not wanting to see them eat. yes a very good thing for losing weight. My dad likes to eat butter every time he goes out to eat he will open the little butter container and then with his knife eat the butter he puts the knife so far in his mouth you would think he would stab him self. GROSS and he drools when he eats. he has been in rehab now for 24 hours i heard that they will make him wear a bib and diapers this is so funny for me becasue he didnt want to use a walker to walk in to church because he "didnt want to look old" but falling down and having 4 men pick him up was ok. he has fallen in church about once every 3 months for the last 2 years he refuses to use a walker or a chair and the church would not tell him to either. go figure and please dont feel sorry for this man he is getting every thing he deserves. I bet about now hes hating it, and hes hating me, he blames me for every thing well better go kids are hungery after school talk to you later. miak
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miak, its how i make my mom do things.. she refuses to wear her depends out of the house. in the docs office today, she had to go to the bathroom , but refused to go since she was about to be called in. i said "this is what you get for not wearing your underpants. you'll have an accident and what happens then? you're not getting in MY car" needless to say, she went.. then got stuck on the toilet since it was too low to get back up again..brings it back to the topic at hand.. i felt guilty.. i laughed
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Miak I laughed when I read about your dad in church! I can't tell you how many times I tried to get dad to use a walker when he was in assisted living. He was so stubborn about it. Same with hearing aids. I guess he'd rather have everyone yell at him and repeat everything 20 million times than wear a tiny little thing that no one would notice. I haven't had to take dad out anywhere yet so haven't faced the accidents in the car. Can't wait!
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dahuser.. today made me realize i needed to buy a diaper bag.. is that too much, i wonder? shes had accidents outside the home before. i wonder if it would embarrass her too much. i think they have more discreet ones now. im thinking though of all she needs on any trip.. and its exactly what you'd find in a diaper bag for a baby. i HATE this on her behalf.
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KelleyBean...I wonder if you could find a pretty tote bag of some kind that zipped across the top so people won't notice what's inside. I've seen some pretty ones at Marshalls and also at Target. I know that you hate it. It's very hard to preserve their dignity and be practical at the same time.
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I dont know what your thoughts on possibly placing your dad in a home, but that might be the best case for you? I dealt with the exact same issue you have, its just a tought situation all around, i wish the governemtn had some program where they can help with the new agining community...but looks like we are all on our own...all i know is that yourseniorcare really helped me, found a place for my parent and although it was the freaking most toughest thing to let go of the person that gave me life....my life is so much easier... hope things work out with you and yoru dad
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roughtimescaregiver I have thought of that option. He was in a nursing home temporarily and he declined fast. He was miserably unhappy although they were very good to him. I think I'm just getting used to this new phase of my life and I think with some compromise and alot of hard work and prayer, I can make it work. I wish there were more services for the elderly and also for the caregivers. We're just left sort of swinging in the wind and not alot of help being offered without it costing an arm and a leg. My dad is not wealthy, but too well off to get any aid. My husband and I are doing good to pay our own bills. So for now, this seems to be our only option.
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I agree with dahuser about placing. My mom has short term memory on many things. makes stories up. thinks she hears things. She happiest HERE though. I have to give it my all to let her keep this as long as possible. until it becomes physically impossible. Yes, i've put my life on hold to take care of her, but it's ON HOLD. after everything she has done for me, this is just a small token. sure there are days where i just want to grab my bags and go back to what i was doing and stick her in a home, but there would be misery all around. maybe it is denial and i'm not as strong as you to let go, roughtimes, but when i see my mom curled up in her favorite chair, reading a book, with her cat in her lap, who else is going to give that to her? we could find a place im sure to place that chair and her cat with her, but it wont be the same. not to her and not me. sometimes the tough decision is to let go and sometimes the toughest is knowing when to stay when you feel youre at the end of your rope. im so glad youre happier, roughtimes, and i know i will be too. but not just yet.
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I feel the same way KelleyBean. I know that toward the end of the dementia, it probably won't be possible for me to keep dad here. I've had 3 back surgeries and I won't be able to give dad the care that he will need. But I'll give you an example of what I mean. Yesterday I noticed dad just sitting with a very blank expression on his face and acting more disoriented than normal. I checked his blood sugar right away and sure enough it had dropped to a dangerous 43! I gave him sugar pills right away and he came out of it. If he was at the nursing home, he may have sat in his room without anyone noticing until he went into seizures or worse. I have had some bad moments to be sure and I'll be honest, I have had thoughts of putting him back in the home, but I think it's the tiredness talking. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and I'm sure it will come soon enough. As long as I can vent on this site, I think I'll be okay.
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We'll all make it...we're strong...until we have to do something else....this is what we choose to do. And yes...ds....this site is wonderful. Thats what I finally figured out, after 2 yrs of doing this....I just need to vent sometimes...and this site already has offered so much information. And reading everyones story....I have it much easier than others....and my prayers to everyone....God bless each and everyone of you.
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I know what you mean bamaellie. I too have it easier than others. Dad may be exasperating at times, but sometimes I catch a glipse of the old dad and that makes it worth it. I think he's dealing with his illness and helplessness by lashing out at me. He must be angry at himself and what he's become and I'm sure is afraid for the future. I have a wonderful family and friends willing to listen when I've had a bad day and that's something I know some people don't have. I count my blessings every day for that. God has blessed me! Let's all remember that this is God's plan for our lives even though we might not understand why right now and wonder "why me". I have read many books by Mother Theresa and draw great strength from this remarkable woman. She cared for the ones nobody else wanted and in my opinion was a saint. If you get a chance, read some of her books and try to work a little of her philosophy into your daily life. Whether you're Catholic or not, you will be inspired and uplifted.
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da...I met with a friend of mine from church last night...and she opened my eyes to a lot of things. Mom is almost blind now and there is still a lot of things she can do with my help. She still cooks sometimes and I'm right there close, getting things for her. And I realized this morning, a lot of times I do things right then for mom, instead of giving her time to do for herself. So, I've got to step back and let her do things that she can still do. She on a walker (we call it her Cadillac walker) and I've done things because I can do them quicker. Mom has worked hard all of her life, and I know she doesn't want to be old now and not do things as she has done in the past. I have changes that I MYSELF need to change. My friend also opened my eyes to the fact that mom has always known how to push my buttons and I have to change that. I need to learn to know react to her behavior. So with the help a counselor I'm going to learn that.
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Guilt is probably the hardest thing to overcome for me. I am an only daughter and it all falls on me. Good and bad times I get it all. Mostly bad these days. It is very difficult to try and reverse rolls because they are adults and they have taken care of things for many years.

I like the idea someone gave on placing yourself as an outsider and being professional. It is just very hard because there are so many personal issues involved as a child to parent.

Don't be afraid to let it loose. I know it is just awesome for me to see that I am not alone and that what is involved in caretaking is a huge responsibility. Remember, you love them and are taking care of them the best you know how.

Keep a chin up and we're here for you!!
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dahuser,I can relate about being the good daughter some times I feel like opening the door and never come back,I would never do that,I was going to plan on trip to Ca.by myself and I dont know if she read my mind or what but know she says she wants to go it is like I cant get away is this bad to feel this way
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Bernardine.. i think its a natural reaction for most of us. was this trip planned originally just for you to get away needing a respite from your mom? if so, then i think thats what it needs to remain. is there something special she likes to do that she hasnt done in a while? can perhaps it be done after you get back or before?

i dont know your situation at all. so sorry if none of what i said fit
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Bernardine, its not bad to feel that way, we feel what we feel. For instance, yesterday afternoon I had made plans the day before to meet a friend of mine for coffee at 5. Mom fell yesterday morning my first thought was "she fell on purpose so I wouldn't go". I did all the right things (thanks to the folks on this site) and I decided I'm not going to be that far away and she has her helpline necklace. So I went on.

Guilt does get us at times and we feel bad about things we think at times.

I am thankful I do have an outlet on here now.
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Bam, i'm following in your lead and getting out tomorrow. I think i mentioned mom has a companion come in a few hours a week. its been hard to plan as its not a set schedule(which it really needs to be). yesterday, when she was here, i put my headphones on a tuned everyone out. listened to alot of my music i havent heard in months. since ive been back with my mom, ive been very ill. my last procedure was new years eve. so, im ALL better now! im going to go see some friends the next town over that i have not seen since i moved away. its only for a couple hours, but im so excited and mom is too for me.

it was so.. sweet.. this morning. i woke up with chills around 3am. mom was awake laying in bed and i went in to get a heavier blanket. she was worried(as this was how it started when i got sick the first time) and she said shed go sleep on the couch and let me spread out. I, of course, said no. but she was watching MASH which we always loved and i crawled on the bottom of the bed to watch with her. she leaned down and brushed my hair off my forehead for a bit which she did when i was little and it always soothed me. i was a little girl again and all was right in the world at that moment.

ive been noticing those lately, the little things. I was telling greyson how she ran from the kitchen thinking i was going to make her test taste something and thought "typical mom". no shes not better and wont ever be. but it helps noticing and cherishing those things.
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Kelley, I think (as far me), is that our parents aren't like the parnets they use to be, we're the parnets now and its hard. I understand about how you would feel like a little girl again. I know in the past, when I was living with mom and would get sick, I was always think...only mom can make me feel better.

And thanks for your advise after mom's fall yesterday morning.
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bamaellie, I understand the being the parent to your parent it is not easy seeing them disapper in front of you you always think of them as strong and now they are so weak Bernardine
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I think we all have to grieve for the parent we lost. They will never be the way they were and we have to accept that as hard as it is. I think I've had every emotion known to man since I took dad in. Then tonight at dinner, we sat and had an intelligent conversation about some old friends and he remembered so many things I had forgotten. I think the hardest part is never knowing if they will be thinking clearly or if they will be off in what I call la la land.
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dahuser, while my mom sat and chatted with her companion yesterday, she was telling stories of when my brother and i were younger. got them totally mixed up, but i didnt make an issue of it. she enjoyed herself immensely. I realize that i get a little irritated sometimes when she does get it mixed up and i tell the stories correctly. i need to let that go.
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I feel like I have gotten myself into a real pickle.. My mother is wheelchair bound and lives with me. She has MS. She makes every effort to do as much for herself as possible. She helps out as much as she can financially. She is not mean and disagreeable. Ideally she really is by far a great person despite this whole caregiving and reverse role situation. I feel guilty because I have nothing left to give. NO more attention, No more adjustments to my schedule to accommodate endless trips to pharmacy, grocery store
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Nemotoo,I know how you feel I have no social life at all my days are consumed with dr appts pharmacy runs hair appts ect. I love it when she tells me at 8pm she is out of medicine after not saying anything all day,My mom is on a walker barely and it takes forever for her to get anywhere,when I go to the store or mall she makes me feel guilty not taking her, Im at witts end I feel so guilty and it tears me apart I walk on egg shells of guilt.
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Bernardine and Nemotoo - I know what you mean about taking them someplace with you. Dad asks me every day to take him someplace. First of all, the weather here is cold and snowy. Not great for taking him out in a wheelchair. My social life consists of my daughter coming over a couple of times a week and hearing about my husbands day. I used to go out to lunch with friends at least once a week but no more. Also I have noticed lately that dad seems jealous of my husband. It's like he wants all my attention all the time. I find this a little creepy! It's almost like I'm a substitute wife! Ewwww!! He calls my husband "what's his name".
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Nemo and Bernadine, can your moms go anywhere on their own? my mom is the same way as yours. shes BORED. but hers is of her own making. she wont go back to the adult day care center. there is a program through aging care with a local cab company here. for $2.00 one-way, they will take her where ever she wants to go. they send all wheelchair accessible vehicles to pick her up at these times.
larger malls and stores normally have power chairs available if you need one. call ahead and if yours provides one, maybe mom could join you "meet in the food court in an hour" or something to that effect. you still get some alone time without the hassle or guilt of having done it in the first place when you get home.

dahuser, WHY dont you go to lunch anymore? perhaps the "bus" system could help you also. you wont have to worry getting him situated and, well the drivers HERE, do so much to help that i just stand back. my mom used to call people "whats their name"(she has issues with my dads family for some reason) i'd ignore it and say "oh LESLIE is just fine today, thanks!". firm rules need to be laid down about your husband. i was talking to someone about our parents daily 'emergencies', if it isnt a real emergency and they just want attention it will have to wait. your dad will have to learn this. you firmly tell your dad that you need to spend time with your husband(stress that). I could say you should have a talk with your dad, but i tried that with my mom and i ended up getting us both upset. im trying different ways these days. ignore the attitude and she sees it doesnt work with me, she stops.
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I hear you KelleyBean! Dad and Rick have never gotten along. I don't think dad ever liked him. Never mind that Rick has been gracious enough to let dad live here and continues to pay the bills. Unfortunately, I live way out in the country and public transportation is unavailable here. It's a small farming community and there are very few resources near me. I tried the talking to dad also and it ended pretty badly with hurt feelings on both sides. It's a problem. I'm trying to learn to just walk away and avoid a confrontation. I'm not a confrontational person but lately (especially when it comes to Rick), I just blow up. This is so frustrating!!
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i bet it is frustrating. i live smack dab in the middle of a big city and I'M frustrated haha. I really miss my home down in TN. so quiet etc. there was more my mom would be willing to do there than here. cant make her move though *sigh*. Getting you upset like that about your husband is something he wants. he wants people to be just as miserable as he is. he needs to know that its not acceptable, but you've tried yelling. that rise he gets out of you makes him angry too. he doesnt feel depresed or lonely or whatever at that point. its just a different emotion. he needs to know there are other ways.
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Kelly Bean I wish I could do that but my mom refuses to use those electric carts,and gets very frustrated if you ask her to,moms hip is gone she is 89 and the dr. said her bones are dead in her hip,but she refuses pain meds thinks she will get addicted,Im sorry I didnt mean to ramble,I wonder if it was this hard raising me as a child.Bernardine
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Bernardine, i often wonder the same thing. i hear stories of how id go into the pantry and take all the labels off the canned fruit and veggies or climb into the kitchen sink and pour a gallon of milk all over myself. is that at all comparable to running after my mom when she refuses to wash herself after shes peed all over herself? shes awake all throughout the night and refuses to respect that the livingroom after 11pm as its my bedroom also. she refuses to go adult day care.. i hated going to school. she has no consideration for anyone(like any teenager) and admitted tonight that i am her maid and should be greatful for allowing me to fix the food i want not what she wants. of course in only fix her favorites and dont let her get away with eating just jello. its hurtful, but at times like that... i dont care when i was at my worst in my childhood.. this is nothing compared... shes a grown woman..

there should be NO guilt on your part, bernardine, for doing anything without your mom is she refuses to use the resources available to her in order to do them too. Id remind her of that next time.
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Amen KelleyBean!! What is it about not wanting to bathe? Today I finally got dad to change his underwear after he had worn them for a week and probably peed in them too. This from a man who used to change his clothes twice a day!! Can they not smell themselves? He told me he only needed a bath once every two weeks. He said he doesn't sweat so he can't smell!! Give me a break!! Dad won't participate in anything either. We have a senior center but he refuses to go unless I go with him. But it doesn't surprise me. He never wanted to do anything unless my mom did it too. I'm feeling less and less guilty. I think this could all have been avoided if dad had made some friends and put himself out a little more. I think the dementia partially came from isolating himself and having no interest in anything. It's sure opened my eyes to how NOT to grow old!
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