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HAH! I'm a great cook. No one ever worries if I'm trying something knew. I'm my worst critic, if I don't think its edible, I wont serve it. He's diabetic too. All my meals take that into consideration. However the home health people, at my request are setting me up to speak with a dietitian, just because I want to be 100% sure that I'm feeding him correctly.

Just trying to alleviate any extra worry I have.
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Well what has sort of been working for me is to sit with dad for a few minutes until he's absorbed in his meal. Then I take my plate and eat with my husband. Sometimes he never notices he's alone. I'm slowly learning new "tricks" so that my routine isn't interrupted too much. Dad's new thing now is that he gets somthing on his mind and he obsesses about it! Today he wanted me to light my fireplace but my gas bill is already sky high so I didn't do it. For hours he said "why don't we light a fire" or "we really should have a fire". He goes on and on about something. Guess his mind gets ahold of something and it just plays over and over like a broken record.

I wish he would listen to books on tape but his hearing is gone so he won't even try. He used to read all the time but now he can't follow a story or a television program. Does anyone have help come in like Comfort Keepers or a homemaking service? How does that work out? Sometimes dad doesn't take too well to someone new in the house. He was downright ugly to a few of his therapists that came. I was thinking if someone could come in a couple of times a week and read to him or maybe play a game with him he might try new things. He won't let me do it.
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bam, im glad she didnt hurt herself too bad. besides her butt =)
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a salad smoothie?? brave man your dad. greyson, remember when i said my mother wont even come in the kitchen if she thinks she had to eat something new? i wouldnt see her for hours if i did that.. wont see her for hours.. i think ill try the smoothie..
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Kelley....I've got mom where I can watch her for a few hrs. I did tell her she might want to take some Tylenol just in case she might get a headache. She sits in her recliner in the bedroom to listen to her books on tape....I told her not to do that for a few hrs...just so I can hear here.

My mom doesn't have the problem eating like you guys problems. However, when dad was still alive (stayed with him and mom during most of that time), when were were eating, dad would get choked and go to the kitchen sink to get it up....well my meal was over...I understand some of what you guys are talking about.
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dahuser, you said you and your husband want to have a quiet dinner.. but your dad wants you to eat with him.. dads dinner and your appetizer? after dad is done.. what does he do? is there a chance that afterwards you and your husband could have a quiet main meal? i can definitely say that ive been set in my ways.. but since moving back in here with mom to take care of her, its all gone out the window. a lot of change and compromise. you and your husband can find ways to compromise on your quiet meals. romantic dessert in the kitchen by yourselves?
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He likes a salad....I toss tomato juice, celery, carrots, red bell pepper, a little onion, and some garlic into the blender and make a salad smoothie :)

Sometimes, I make this dish, that he has taken the liberty to name after me, but it has bell pepper, garlic, onion, mushrooms, chicken, shrimp, in an Alfredo sauce, that sits nicely on some noodles....well he wears as much as he eats, so we decided to blend it up too....that was a whatchamacallit smoothie.

Very minimal to no choking with smoothies, plus he gets it basically chewed up already. I don't do it for everything....I wont blend my cheesecake...thats just sacrilegious
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KelleyBean I know what you mean about the sounds! Isn't it funny - when my daughter drooled and spit up as a baby it didn't gross me out like this! Then after he eats, there is food stuck in his dentures and he won't let me clean them. Dad gulps his drink and I'm afraid he'll choke too. He's already had a bout of pneumonia because he aspirated on some food at the nursing home. They had him on pureed food but he was refusing to eat and lost a bunch of weight so I just decided to give him regular food, cut it small and if he choked, he choked. So far, he's done okay. He certainly hasn't missed any meals! In fact, he demands his meals and if they're late he bitches and gripes. My husband and I have always had really relaxed mealtimes since our daughter left home, often eating in front of the television but dad wants us at the table. When Rick gets home I just want to have some alone time with him. So we just turn the tv up too (which he also gripes about) and try to enjoy our dinner.
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im with you on that one, dahuser... ill eat on the couch.. but i can still hear her.. so i eat with my head down and eat quickly.. with the tv turned up really loud..it irritates me just to hear her drink.. but its all a part of the dementia which i didnt know.. they have the tendency to choke evidently.. no wonder with the way they eat.. havent one clue how to fix it besides tell her to shut her mouth or eat slower.. which lasts for 2 seconds...
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Okay, this may seem really odd but is there anyone else out there who can't stand to watch the one they care for eat? I started out eating at the table with dad but the way he slobbers and drools out his food almost makes me nauseated! I can't finish eating after seeing that. Yet if I go in the living room to eat, he yells that he doesn't want to eat by himself. Maybe I should just look at it as a way to lose weight!
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Bam.. what answers are you looking for? seems to me, you've got a right good handle on things even though you might not think so.. was stronger than you thought you were! if she hit her head, do know how to check for cuncussions? did she black out? feeling nauseous? make sure she doesnt fall asleep for a couple hours. can she take some tylenol? she should take something for a headache now. moms hit her head many times =( last time, she was leaning over and hit the joystick on the wheel chair. needless to say she went flying out and hit her head on the bathroom counter. she was fine. i did exactly what i told you to do. her doctors are fine with that since i knew what to look for. but poor mom has got the nastiest black eye.

jules, just remember that he IS the man you married no matter what he might act like or do. he probably laughs because he just doesnt know what else to do. i bet neither of you ever thought it would come to this. he probably feels quilty that you have to do all that for him. but that guilt and the uncomfortablness in his new "bathroom problems" is him telling you without words that its still him and he loves you and doesnt want to put you through this. but you do obviously because you love him. and because of that, tell him you love him too and you all can work together on it. dont feel guilty about the tv. i yell at my mom because she watches so much of it and gets frantic without it. Then i turn around and use it as a "babysitter". ive just learned to calm her down when she gets frantic and let her watch.
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Ok...Kelley....you know I mentioned yesterday...I was getting out more..well mom feeling in the garage a little while ago. She said she's ok...but her butt hurts..she may have broken her tail bone and I know there can't be anything done for that. She said she hit her head...so I've told her to stay out in the living room...not to go to her bedroom in her recliner and listen to her books on take for a few hrs. We have mom set up with the Lifeline necklace. I was in the bathroom changing out toilet seats (lol.....I have found out over the last 2 yrs....I can do ALOT of things that I thought only a man can do) and all of a sudden...someone from Lifeline came on...and said Mrs Phillips are you okay? I told them to hold on.... I looked and there was mom sitting there on her bottom. Got her up....and got her back inside. We smoke in the garage and there is a heater out there. She doesn't want smoking in the house...because it makes the house smell. Anyway....gee rambling here....I was going to meet another one of my friends today at 5....I've called and canceled that. Lifeline did call my baby sister...and she called and asked what was wrong...and I told her what happened. So...here I sit...

This site has really helped since I joined on Monday!

Maybe no answers....but encouragement...and somewhere to vent!
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bamaellie,
I spend alot of time going back and reading all of the comments. My heart goes out to everyone. Especially caregivers. There are no words that can describe the love and affection that they show to their family and friends in need. Lord knows it is not because of the pay. HA! And then there are the times family and friends are quick to judge you and some get down right nasty about it. They might not like how you do somethings, but they are the last to jump in and help. If they would only spend a day or two with them they would understand more.
I just feel lost most of the time. Physically I can see the man I married. Mentally he fades in and out. It's the (out time) I can't seem to get use to. I have found that if I put a movie in the DVD player, he will sit a watch it forever. Even when the credits are rolling, he will sit and just watch. It's ironic. Parents will play movies to keep kids quiet on a bad day. I do it to keep my adult content.
Well, we're off to the doctor tomorrow to see if he has had another mild stroke. I hope not! But then that would explain the big changes in him this week.
God Bless!
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hi everyone! hi, bam*hugs* i think we all need to go a gym and use the punching bag. i blew at my mom cause i wanted to go to bed for once lastnight. she was in the kitchen and i turned the light off with her still in it and left. I sleep in the livingroom on the couch as its a 1 bedroom apt. she finally found the light and yelled she will go to bed when she wants. i said "not in my bedroom, GIT!" she said to go get in her bed and she will sleep on the couch. i felt bad, but i continued. told her i wasnt sleeping in a pee soaked bed. which at one point was my bed. not anymore.

i apologized to her this a.m and said that im just so dang tired i dont know what to do sometimes. she apologized too and said she was sorry i was so tired and that she was the cause of it. ive been interupted 3 times while i type this. mom just tosses trash on the floor and goes away. i told her i wasnt her maid and theres a trash can right behind her. but i didnt yell. i remained calm. we did the trash together. because i remember(even when she doesnt), i know shes tired and sorry too.
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After I had posted my comments to you dahuser and read Julie's comment.... I began to feeling guilty about me getting frustrated with mom at times....and yes I've blown before after taking and taking. I realize now we all do love our parents, not matter what. We're tired, there is so much others things we have to do other than just physical things. Caregiving bears on us emotionally too. Dahuser hang in there...and I'm so glad you have such a supportive husband.

Jules, after joining this site Monday, it has already helped me so much...as far as venting....and reading other peoples story. I guess there maybe no answers for everybody...but just being able to vent...and know there are other people who understands.
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Hi Everyone,

I've added some to these stories off and on. But I've have not found a story quite like mine. Is there anyone with a similiar situation like mine. My husband is 58. 1 1/2 years ago he was diagnosed with Dementia. The one I think they call MID. He has had a stroke with right side brain damage. He still has most of his memory. He'll forget little things like taking his meds, taking a shower, etc... He started about 6 months ago with loosing control of his bowels. About 2 months ago he started wetting. I have sense then convinced him to wear what we call seat covers. He thinks it's funny. He laughs inappropriately alot, otherwise he really has no emotions. All he will do is sit around alot. He does do alot of starring. Mostly at me. I wonder what he is thinking. A friend of the family has moved in a few months ago to help fix the things around the house my husband cannot remember how to do. (He is a godsend.) His smoking is another big problem. If I don't buy his cigs, he will walk 10 miles to town to get them. He does not get lost and pretty much knows everyone. He will smoke up to 3 packs a day. I've tried giving him only 1 pack a day. It didn't work. The doctor has tried Chantix. It did not work.
I know with him being only 58, I have a long road ahead. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.
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Thanks everyone for your words of support and insight. Last night after I went to bed I did some heavy duty praying and alot of soul searching! We have a baby monitor in dads room so we can hear him and I heard him up early this morning rattling around in his room. I suspect he had a wet bed as he usually does even though he wears Depends at night. Anyway, when my husband and I got up at 6:00, dad was sitting on the edge of the bed dressing so I just left him alone to see how he did. When he came out, he had no idea that he had put on the wet pajamas he took off. Oh my gosh!! He really can't take care of his needs anymore! I didn't make a big deal - just took him back in and put clean clothes on him. I've been overestimating his ability to do things and I feel just awful! I guess it was wishful thinking that he could still do some things. He's slipped more than I thought. I guess we all want to think that our parents are still our parents but I realize now that the tables have turned. I have a whole new perspective this morning and getting all your support has helped me tremendously to know that others are dealing with the same issues. Thanks and we can ALL get through this!
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dahuser, you spoke out of frustration to your Dad, not because you are mean spirited. You obviously care enough to be doing what you are doing for your Dad and adjusting to a senior's chronic health issues can be pretty scary. Caregiving is very, very stressful in the situation you describe, and feeling like you have to be at your Dad's beck-and-call would be nerve-wracking. I am glad you were able to cry and feel loved by your husband. Keep running to your husband's supportive arms and keep coming back to share here whenever you feel like pouring your heart out. I would imagine from the little you have shared so far that you are also like many caregivers, including myself, when we become alarmed. It helps me to slow down and focus on one request at-a-time. It also helps me to gently tell my Mom that I only have 2 hands and 2 aging feet. We both get a chuckle out of that. It is also ok to let your Dad know when you are feeling tired and need a little rest. Sometimes we may think we have to hide our feelings as caregivers. I try to share as much as I can when it may be appropriate, especially if I am starting to feel tired. Mom is always understanding. A sense of humor helps, too. When I become frustrated and speak out-of-turn like we all do since we are human, a sincere apology to Mom helps me to keep both of us moving forward. We are only human. Your Dad hurts as much as you do and is probably as scared as you are even though he may no longer know how to express his feelings without making recurring demands. Another strategy might be to ask your Dad to join you when he asks you for something that you think he is able to do for himself. Hold his arm and tell him you would appreciate his help in getting whatever it may be that he wants. There is nothing wrong with pushing that envelope to help him help himself more, unless he is clearly having difficulty. Good luck as you continue to work out your new caregiving responsibilities and remember to be patient with yourself.
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Hey dahuser -- 2 yrs ago I moved in with my mother. As I got older my parents and I became the best of friends. However, now that I live with my mom who is in the last stages of alzheimers . . . I have found myself acting insane. For instance, my mother once thought that I was talking about her. I wasn't I was talking to my sister on the phone about my childrens clothes sizes. Anyway, I asked my mom to join us in the living room to watch White Christmas with Bing Crosby . . . my mom always enjoyed old movies, but now can't even focus on the tv. Anyway, she yelled out, "I heard what you said about me!" I was dumbfounded. I walked in the kitchen and in anger, yelling said what are you talking about. I did not say anything about you. The very next minute she said, I didn't say you were talking about me". I went insane . . . I yelled, shook a chair . . . I blew.

Look, I think if we were not good children, we wouldn't be doing this. I take care of my mom because I love her . . . you couldn't pay me enough to put up with some of the insanity. My mother's doctors told me that you have to reverse roles with your parent. You are now the parent and your dad is the child. Would you let your child get away with what your dad is doing? Sometimes you have to be firm. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. The more your dad does the better. The day will come when he won't be able to help. So, make him help while he can. And please don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to all of us.
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I agree this site has been a great tool and my heart goes out to everyone who is in this boat on stormy seas. This ain't easy folks!

That said...we have made a commitment to help our parents and that means learning to deal with them and what seem to be demands. I don't know the type of things your dad wants you to do for him but at 92 they are pretty helpless. Add in health issues and they become even more helpless. We may think they can do things but often they are really tired of having to do and want to be cared for. I agree they should do as much as possible if only to keep them active but as they decline, they will require more assistance. That is scarey.

Before you get to the end of your fuse, you need to talk to your husband to see if he or someone else can watch your dad while you go for a walk or just take a shower and let it out. There is a lot of relief crying in this group. We all feel better after we get it out. Keeping a journal where you can vent is also helpful.

Consider how you would react to your dad's requests if he wasn't your dad but someone you were taking care of. I have adopted a professional manner in taking care of my 90-year old mother. I give her lots of encouragement when she does something that she says she can't. Sometimes the endless demands just sap your last ounce of patience which is when you need to remove yourself from the situation. For most of us, just having a moment to ourselves is enough to get us back "in the game." When I am exhausted I let my partner or sister know I just need some uninterrupted sleep.

Work on your dad's behaviors and be certain that you aren't asking too much of him for his age and condition. From what I have read on this site, I think too high expectations and denial of our parent's decline are two things that make our lives more stressful.

Take care of yourself. You are a good daughter to help your dad!

Julie Q
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Can you sit down and talk with your dad? Explaining that this is new and going to be difficult for all involved. Set some type of boundaries. Have some "you" time.

Just remember, we are going to make it.
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Hi bamaellie! I think what's bothering me is that I've always been the "good, obedient, daughter". Never talked back to my parents and it's so hard to stand up for myself. I think I really hurt dad by saying what I did. He's only lived here about 3 weeks and we're still in the "adjustment" stage I guess. I'm so glad to be able to talk to others who are going through this! Also, it drives me crazy when I try to go into another room to do something and he's yelling trying to find out where I am. It's like I can't get 2 minutes to myself! I'm lucky to have a helpful, supportive husband and he just held me and let me cry tonight after dad went to bed. I thank God for my blessings every day.
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dhauser...first I found this site yesterday....and it has been wonderful. Welcome!
I know its hard not to fee guilty...but we can only take so much. One thing I have realized in the last couple of days....is that when mom begins her ranting and raving (I usually take and take and take until I blow)....I can sit down here and pour my heart out here.

It is not wrong to insist that our parents do as much for themselves as possible.

Hang in there!
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