Am I crazy for not noticing this sooner?

IMO he complains to you because you are "safe". You won't walk away and I'm sure there's a part of him that doesn't like being there. I don't see how his complaining is taking advantage of you, he just needs a safe place/person to vent to. My Mom does it too. It ain't easy being old. It ain't easy needing help.

LOL I get something similar from my Mom! When I visit it's a long list of things she needs, problems with her room, complaints about laundry or housekeeping. Yesterday she complained that the toilet seat was too tall! Yet when I talk to the staff they tell me all the activities she is involved in, how she watches out for the other residents, etc.

I called her yesterday to arrange a trip to the hair salon and lunch out and she told me she needed to check her calendar to be sure she was free! It took 6 months but she is finally settling in.

I look at things a bit differently as for me, I need to keep MY sanity. I don't care why they do what they do - I didn't make the problem and I can't fix it. For the first few times, I would be kind, sympathetic, diplomatic, etc. But if they kept doing the same crap, I would eventually blow - after all I am human and a sensitive human being - and I would tell them to stop or else. If they keep doing it, I would not say a word, I would just simply excuse myself, get up and walk out. Keep doing that enough - and don't go to see them as often - and they may stop. And if they don't, why do you want their abuse? You don't deserve it. I learned the hard way how extremely difficult and obnoxious mental people can cause for others and I will never suffer like that again for anyone or anything.

Don't take his complaints to heart, easier said than done. It sounds like he is adjusting to his new home and the interaction with others is good for him. His complaining and guilt tripping towards you may stem from years of successfully "dealing" with you to get his own way, kind of like muscle memory. My daughter use to be a director of an AL facility and she would see it all the time, the biggest social butterfly would suddenly become unhappy and dissatisfied with their situation when family members came to visit, wanting to go back to their home. Some had even told her, eh, that's what they expect me to say, I'm not going anywhere. Let him complain, listen to make sure he doesn't have any actual problems at the facility. It sounds like you found a good one. Nurses and aids are a good source of information, ask how he's doing and if there is anything more you can do to make it easier for him to accept his new home. It's not just moving to AL but also into your home. MIL complains to her 2 daughters that we don't take her out enough all the time, I give her too much food, ect. I take her with me 98% of the time when I run out, if I don't, I never hear the end of it, you NEVER take me anywhere, I wanted to go....You are doing a great job, keep visiting, at least you've actually seen him enjoying himself having a good time with others. When he complains validate his feelings, ask him for examples of what happened, it may surprise you that "Joe" was talking to "Sally". Just another road to travel, with plenty of potholes.

It's called passive-aggressive behavior. He is punishing you for putting him (or keeping him) in there. You can still visit him but I would ignore any negative thing he says about that place or his treatment there and redirect the topic to something totally unrelated but pleasant. That's called extinguishing behavior. It may also be true, as someone below posted, that it is attention-getting behavior because of how you react when he does it. Eventually when he sees you aren't taking the bait you may be able to have more pleasant and normal visits together.

He may not be doing this on purpose. But he misses your caring of him. I once dated a fella that I really liked, but he didn't pay much attention to me. One day he shut the car door on my fingers. It broke the skin and was very painful, but he was all over me with attention and I enjoyed it. Your father may crave your attention and the only time he can get it is when you are there. So maybe the solution is to over-care on him. Fuss about his clothes not being warm enough. Get him a blanket. Insist he lie down, Fuss about his medication, you know .... He needs to get enough of you, but his technique is driving you away.

When the words do not match the behavior, go by the behavior.

i put my mom in AL in May and it took awhile to get adjusted but is doing fine now. She has good days and bad. I go and see her 6 out of 7 days a week. EVERY DAY she is I different. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes a little off, and sometimes right on point. I guess I go for her but myself as well. I do want to know if she is being taken care of properly. I go all different times of the day. They are constantly doing something during the day. It’s at night and on weekends that they slow down. My mom participated in everything . I can’t believe it. I couldn’t get her to leave the house to do anything besides go to the dollar store or Walmart! She wouldn’t eat for me either. She’s gained weight since she’s been in there, NEVER. Misses a meal because she wants to be with her friends, and loves to socialize. There’s not one person in that place that doesn’t know her!
Your dad will thrive ! My mom has always made me feel guilty about everything. It’s taken me, and it still bothers me, a long time to to accept this. Our relationship is so much better now because I can walk away and breathe. Appreciate the time you spend with him. Cherish the good days and forget the bad. That’s really all you can do to get through this. ❤️

Nod your head and smile. No need to get in a tiff about this. Let it go.

Laceysterror;

I see that you now realize most/all of this is bogus. Good! You obviously found a good place, where, despite what he tells you, he IS having a good time! Whatever the reason is, many elders do the same thing, complain complain complain, but meanwhile, when you aren't there, they are having a good time, enjoying food and activities, companionship, etc. You are not crazy or stupid. Until you hear the positives from staff or can observe unseen for yourself, how would you know? Previously you only had his "word."

Before even moving to MC, suggestions for Meals on Wheels (wouldn't even consider eating it, because it is crap!) or AL (Paugh! I wouldn't live in one of those places, even though before dementia this WAS part of her plan!!!) were met with disdain. She was convinced that she was "fine, independent and can cook." We tried starting out with 1 hr med/sanity check aides (minimum for service) and planned to increase when needed, but after a few months she refused to let them in, so off to MC mom! We had to come up with a ruse to get her to go (used the cellulitis she got just prior to the move), and she was STILL madder than a wet hen, wanted to know why they don't help people who need it and leave her alone! She IS/WAS the type to complain about whatever to me/us, but not to the outside world so much.

You: "I had already decided not to say anything to him because he wouldn't remember 10 minutes later." 
This IS the right way - saying anything to contradict or correct him will not sit well, won't be remembered and will have to be repeated each and every time (maybe multiple times in one visit!) Best to let it slide.

Since you are now aware of the "game", it will be easier for you to let the guilt roll off, or avoid it altogether. Even non-complainers can fall into this charade. Something you can work on is to deflect his complaints. If he says the food is terrible, reply with a tsk-tsk and say you'll check with the chef about the food, then change the subject to something unrelated to the place, perhaps something he enjoyed doing prior to his dementia? Same thing if he complains about the care provided, activities, etc. Commiserate, say you'll ask about it and change the subject. Very often (not always) redirection or refocusing them onto something else can derail those negative rants. It might take some time and effort, but if you can get him on another more pleasant track, it might help. This is very much like dealing with a toddler who won't comply or behaves like everything is bad!

"... in this new world I'm dealing with." The brave new world, definitely a NEW place for most of us!

((((as for the person who wrote we are seeing more dementia because we are living longer... this may account for some cases, but my paternal grandmother was into her 80's when she died, my maternal grandmother was late 70's, neither with dementia, my dad was about 83 when he passed - he *may* have had dementia, but it was probably related to medical/heart issues he underwent several times, mom was over 90 when her stint with dementia started - and hers can possibly be attributed to long time need for BP meds AND serious hearing loss. The jury is still out on why so many are suffering from this affliction.

"In 2014, there were 72,197 Americans aged 100 or older, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That number is up 44 percent from 2000, when there were only 50,281 centenarians."

MANY of these centenarians are still quite capable and still have their mental acuity. The saddest part is seeing those who are late 50s/early 60s or even early 70s developing some form of dementia. This has NOTHING to do with living longer, as the life expectancy in the US is just under 80! Try telling those family members how their LO is suffering because they lived too long.)

If your see h interacting with others and seaming to be enjoying himself I don't think id worry about it. And I don't mean to sound pesimestic but it's been my experience you can't always believe what the staff will say. They sometimes want you to believe what a great place it is when it might not be.

Well now that you know he’s just fine - leave it - he’s fine! Maybe in time he’ll come around and not play the pretend game ! For now - you know he’s ok ! So feel better

So many things to consider...You're likely going to be re-evaluating every interaction you've experienced with him, . If he's been guilting-you for your entire life, a pattern will likely be recognized, CRAZY nope those who have been guilted usually don't realize that they've been guilted, so, CONGRATULATIONS for noticing. You're not around him as much these days, so you'll notice more about him that you didn't realize, before you experienced your ah-ha moment.

SILENCE, say zero, whilst observing from afar. If you are convinced that you need confirmation, show-up stealthly, with zero announcement etc., to observe what's happening. Maybe talk to other residents, away from staff ears, residents in long-term care tend to have really good information. We have a 50 year-old resident whom we consult, who knows how to separate fact from fiction, that resident is quite valuable, for online sources, etc.

No, you're not crazy! Nor are you stupid! I experience the same thing any time I visit Mom in memory care, i.e. "Woe is me, blah, blah, blah!" I do stay in contact with staff, observe, and make sure Mom is being properly cared for. She is in an excellent facility.

No need to call your father on it; won't do any good. Don't react, as much as you can help it. Take the complaining in stride, be matter-of-fact. Take comfort in knowing he's cared for, happy and doing well in your absence!

just Listen to him. His true feelings are coming out with you. The dominoes and interaction with those at the facility are his mental survival techniques. He is doing good compared to some I have seen.

My tactic with people like this is to act really oblivious and stupid, like I am not picking up on their bad attitude, and I act happy and cheerful. I ignore the nastiness. When they see they're not getting the desired rise/anger/guilt out of me, oftentimes the snarky person backs off. I tell myself in my head, "I'm not going to board their guilt trip bus!"

I wouldn't bring it up as the conversation probably won't get you anywhere and it'd be just a circle of frustration for you both. The important thing is that he is happy there...when you're not there to trigger his petty side (we all have that side). More than the aides telling you he's happy, you have witnessed it for yourself.

Sometimes in life, one finds oneself in a situation they do not like. At all. And as humans, we try our best to improve our situation. The terrible truth is that many elderly find themselves in many situations they don't like. One by one, or sometimes, more than one freedom or enjoyable thing of life is taken away. Aging and illness is not for the faint of heart. You could look at your dad's behavior as manipulative and as someone said "like a 3 year old." But I wouldn't. I would chalk it up to the fact that your loved one is making the best of their difficult chapter of life. The fact that they complain to you means that they feel comfortable admitting their unhappiness to you. That doesn't mean that you take them home and care for them 24/7 or that you should feel guilty. It is highly likely that they are where they need to be. But what they do need from you is your ability to listen and validate their feelings. Don't dismiss their feelings. Read up on how to actively listen so they feel heard. It takes practice. Do be their advocate to identify any problem that might need addressing. After that (each visit) do try to feed their soul in some way. Beyond the basics, try to find ways to brighten their day, something positive for them to focus on. I used to take my dad for rides and car picnics for example. With my mom, we would sing one of her favorite songs. Make sure that the last thing the two of you talk about or do is a positive thing (a joke, a song?) Imagine yourself in their shoes and then, do the best you can sans guilt.

I'd let it ride. Yes, our loved ones do seem to play us, especially if we care with our hearts. However, even though your Dad seems to have adapted and is allowing himself some social pleasure he can and probably does HATE being there for all the same reasons you would hate it too. No one ever wants to lose their independence, their power to make personal choice and to be forced leave their home. So there are several levels of emotion at different levels manifest. As spouses, kids and caregivers we have the opportunity to grow our compassion, for those we love who are now damaged and most importantly to ourselves while dealing with the strain and the emotional drain of this heart wrenching passage.

I would say just let it ride. I had my parents in at least 3 different facilities and they hated everything about all of them.

Same thing with my mom! When I go to the family meetings, I am told she is participating more & having a good time. When I talk to my mom, she hates it, no one talks to her ( not true), nevber goes to activities (not true, I follow them on their Facebook page & I can see her at activities), Food is a whole other issue. She has basically STOPPED eating. Partly from medications, she said she can't taste anything so why bother. They have her on high calorie & protein shakes. I do all of her laundry to make sure she looks nice. The guilt is very overwhelming. At first, I went almost every day to check on her, but it wasn't helping if she did not get a routine going. If I stop by and she is at an activity, I never interrupt. I wait until it is done. Not sure of your dad's situation, by my mom will not remember going anyway, Alzheimer's..... It was tough when I would leave & she would cry, almost like leaving my son for the first day of school. But with the care she needs, it had to happen. If you are comfortable with where your dad is, staff is nice and he seems to be well taken care of, you are doing the right thing. Plenty of people will have their comments, but until they are the one dealing with it ALL, have faith in yourself. Trust your gut and don't let the guilt get you you. It took me a good year to figure that out & work through it... I wish you the best!

If you say anything to him it will start other issues - ignore it but take it as a wake-up call -

It is helpful to remember he is say 83 acting like a 3 year old .... they are all into get what they want [or think they want], when they want but with some added life experiences to help them do their manipulating to a degree that a 3 year couldn't

I felt guilty the first time I was offered respite and took it.... After the 5 days I went to pick mom up and she started asking when she could go back, I explained it to my mother as we both needed the break and she took it as it was more of a vacation for her then for me.........
Now I'm looking forward to my next respite because now I feel like I can actually relax......... Thank God for Hospice.

As far as Nursing Homes, the local ones in my area are terrible, mom hates the nursing homes and personally so do I, If you got into a good one count your blessings, far too many nursing homes are way to overcrowded and understaffed.
Listen to the Nurses they are on the front lines they know whats really going on.

I don't think he is taking advantage of you... He is making the most of the place the best he can. Of course when he sees you he probably tells you in his own way he truly wished he was home but he also understands that he is where he is...
Most elderly want to be back in their homes, luckily for you he is at least getting involved there instead of laying in bed all day.
I's just part of the process...

If you know that he has to be there and you have done your best to find a good place for him, then there is no "guilt." Try not to feel bad as you are leaving him. I'm sure that you visit him as often as you can. Make the visits as joyful as you can. You are there for him and you love him. Being in a senior residence is never as pleasant as life was when your father was younger and in good health and able to take care of himself independently. But situations change, and we all have to adjust.

No point in taking it up with him I tried that with mum didn't change anything as she was too used to making me feel bad.

Try accept the situation you can't change it. Try to change your thought patterns. You know his ok safe and engaging with others, this is all positive. Put your hard hat on, take the guilt trips on visits them put them into a virtual bin in your head when you leave and get on with your life.

I have been dragged down by my mother's manipulation for years and now I'm seriously ill. I wish I could have changed the way I dealt with it and let it affect my health a lot sooner.

Good luck x

How is it stupid not to spot one thread in the whole tangle of emotions?

But I am so glad that you have!

I doubt if your father is consciously or deliberately doing anything to make you feel bad. Maybe, I don't know, the two of you got into a sort of negative feedback loop - your caring about him is important to him, he gives you these little yelps of dissatisfaction, you respond, he continues the yelps. But actually - he's fine! He just wouldn't want you to think he no longer needs you at all, or that he hasn't noticed that *you* have anxieties about how he's doing; and of course he can't admit that you and everyone else were right all along, and he was wrong, and he should have made this move years ago..!

Say nothing to him, just nod and smile or look concerned, as applicable, and be glad to know that (at least when you're not looking) he is thriving. It's all good!

Everyone thank you so very much for all in information and suggestions. Every one of you are correct in all your statements about me, guilt, concern, etc....I had already decided not to say anything to him because he wouldn't remember 10 minutes later. You all have been very helpful in alleviating my grief and explaining to me that I allowed him to use me like that, I did break down before leaving so many times, but not anymore. He's never been a complainer though, even when he was actually sick with a cold or when he broke his arm, he never complained or mentioned it one time.

But thank you all for coming to my aid, it means a lot to have such a group care enough to explain things to me in this new world I'm dealing with.

First of all, it's the LAW that they complain about the food in these places. If it weren't for complaining, they'd be mute 95% of the time, let's face it. As far as the guilt goes, it's also what they DO. My mother is in memory care now, after they wouldn't let her back into the ALF she lived in for 4+ years due to advancing dementia & mobility issues. To hear the aides tell it, she's doing GREAT. To hear her tell it, she's doing HORRIBLY, OMG, she hates it, they're all CRAZY and NUTS and yada yada. She truly DOES have a filthy attitude lots of the time, especially towards the others who REALLY have dementia, she really DOESN'T, she's 'better than', dontcha know? But my point is, don't listen to what Dad is telling you, listen to what the CNAs are telling you. He's doing FINE and laying in on thick for YOU. Who knows why they do this, except to use us as a sounding board. I often wonder what they'd do if we dropped dead? Who would they have to suck the life out of then? If they only knew how difficult OUR lives were with regard to all of this, they may lighten up a bit. Then again, if only WE knew how difficult their lives were, we might lighten up a bit too. Sigh.
I guess we're all doing the best we can, huh?
Good luck!

When my FIL gets that way, and his dementia is still considered mild, I remind him that he has made friends with whom he has dinner and did exercises in the pool that morning, for example. He's in independent living. It's not exactly confrontational but it reorients him to reality and *usually* snaps him out of his pity party. If he continues with his pity party, I make an excuse - "Got to go now and get the groceries" - and I get up, give him a kiss, and leave.

Your dad's dementia is what's making you sad and cry. You would be crying even if he were still living at home. You miss the man your father was just like my husband misses the man his dad used to be.

I agree that you should not interrupt his activities. Get the schedule and visit him when he's not in the dayroom but rather in his room or before a nap.