She has multiple health issues. She monitors any communication he has, won't allow him to tell us anything, and seems to control his life. She refuses to inform us of any decline in her health - we only know because he broke down and called us when she went to hospital, but he's terrified of her reaction if she finds out. We are thinking of setting up a phone he can access outside the home when he goes on errands, just so he can have a line of communication with us. We just want to provide support and resources for him, and be available if the moment comes when he feels he can't handle it anymore. Merely trying to visit them stresses her out, and she has heart problems, so we are thinking that being up front with her about all this will just give her a heart attack, and/or get dad in trouble too. They have had trust issues in the past (his fault) but he changed and has been a good kind husband for many years. However he has a guilt complex and seems to think it's his penance to accept this treatment from her. We just want to give him the emotional support to stand up for himself and have some aspect of life separate from her. But is it wrong to keep such a secret from her, and play along like we know nothing, even though it is meant to keep from stressing her?
If she has not been declared incompetent she can decide who gets informed as to her status.
I can understand your father NEEDS to talk to someone and vent, voice that he is afraid, he needs comfort and reassurance. And I understand that he wants to keep you informed as well.
all that said..
I would get him a phone that he can use while he is out. I suggest that he keep it someplace where she will not find it. And keep it silent or off unless he is using it so that there will be no way it would ring and she would hear it.
You probably can not change her mind about keeping you informed but tell her that you would probably worry less if you were kept in the loop.
Rights & Respect surround your question.
Mother can keep HER matters secret (as her right) BUT by disclosing to Father, it puts the burdon on him to stay silent too. He will have to choose to respect her wishes regarding her health or not.
I strongly believe Father has a right to support for HIMSELF as well as for his caring role. He has every right to talk about his own life & his struggles as a carer.
So supporting him, helping him find support, helping him to have lines of communication are great ideas. If this includes a secret phone, well.. he is an adult, allowed to own a phone afterall. Allowed to visit others/spend time away from Mother too.
CeCe you could be writing my future life... it's only a step-down from that now. My Dad is succeeding at walking that fine line of respect & rights.
My approach is to put each request through a 'common sense' & safety sieve. Leave the coo-coo out.
Get him a phone one that pays as u go. If he has a car, tell him to hide it in the glove compartment only turning it on when he needs to use it.
They can still seem very bright As to hide the signs, Yet Her secretive and controlling ways, are telling you It is a mental problem!
I am and eldest son At 63 Who has been told by someone close That my mum has instructed the Carers Not to Give me any information About her health, If it wasn't for the cleaner Keeping me up-to-date yet she only visits once a week, I would be in a terrible state of worry as I am anyway ,But most of the time I am left in the dark! I do feel for you And do agree with others who have said about your dad's secret phone would be a big help for you and dad , but also your Mam at the end of the day ! This is just started happening to me, So at least I can plan For what is coming ahead
I pray That you make the right decision As I know it is a fine balance!
Lying to help your mother is called a "therapeutic fib" so there is nothing morally wrong with it. You will need to do this to get her in to a medical exam. Once there (and preferably one of her children should go with her, instead of or with your dad) discretely hand the staff a pre-written note asking for a cognitive/memory test and why you're concerned for her. They will gladly do it -- this is how we got my MIL diagnosed. Once you have a diagnosis your family will be better informed of how to move forward.
And I agree to get your dad a cell phone for his own sanity.
You could call and chat with both mom and Dad, then tell Dad to call you back when mom is taking shower or, go visit yourself to see how things are.
Your mom may be wanting to keep things secret because she has concerns if what you may do when finding out the issues.
Do they think you want them to go into a Nursing Home?
Rather you agree with everything they do or don't do, it's your parents business what they want to share with others.
Im sure they wouldn't agree 100% with your choices either.
If physical health problems are seeming to overwhelm your parents' lives, it may be time for them to have others living with them. Options include: people staying with them during the day (sitters, home health aides, family, friends...), going to an adult day program during the day, moving in with family who are ale to provide caregiving during the day, or moving into assisted living. If this is the problem, please do not delay in helping them to move into a different living situation.
Adult day care or moving out of their home isn't going to happen either. If the parents are mentally competent there really isn't anything anyone can do. They can live their lives as they wish. The only way something can be done about this situation is if the court legally appoints someone to be conservator or guardian to make their decisions.
It's painful to watch one parent "taking" abuse by the other; but I still believe if they are competent, it is ultimately their decision. I supported my mother in other ways the best I could and I would encourage you to do the same with your Dad. But realize you don't ever _know_ what's really going on in their marriage. When I was about 12 years old I went on a road trip with my parents and they were sniping at each other all day. Our hotel room had two double beds and I was shocked that night when right after their latest snipe, they roll over to each other, kissed, exchanged "I love you"s, and went to sleep in each other's arms. And here I thought they were having a difficult time being in the same room... They were married more than 68 years and her devotion never waivered regardless of how outrageous or disrespectful my father became or how the stress came to impact her own health. Don't be surprised if your father displays the same degree of fortitude.
Key here may be "he broke down" and "is terrified." This suggests that one or both of them has a mental health issue. Who does Mom trust? Anyone? Is an abusive situation for Dad? Whether or not he thinks it is his penance is incidental.
Someone needs POA for both of them. If Dad dies, what happens to Mom? Often the caregiver goes first! If you have POA for Dad this also gives you the ability to make decisions about his care including arranging counseling with an appropriate geriatric social worker. Mom can't control this because you will. If she tries to prevent his care APS can be brought in.
Get a care plan in place for both of them. Preface it with long term planning: in case something happens to Dad, you need to be able to help Mom.
Mom may unaware of her own behavior because she is scared about her personal situation and dependence. Someone may have to tell her that if she doesn't take him into consideration she will drive him away; what will happen to her then?
If she insists that she can take care of herself, let her. Dad gets to go out and socialize, have hobbies, spend time online with friends, whatever. If Mom can really be alone then she gets the privacy she seems to want.
Finally, people sometimes revert to childish behaviors as they age and become frail. Is this a "prove that you love me" situation? If so, all of you can play a part to make Mom feel more loved and secure. That takes a lot of pressure off of both of them.
There really isn't much you or anyone else can do about what your father lives with unless he wants change. It certainly sounds like there's dementia because the secretiveness and paranoia are classic signs of it. However unless there's an actual diagnosis and someone has legal conservatorship/guardianship there is really nothing anyone can do.
You could speak to the police department where your parents live and explain to them what your concerns are. They may be willing to do regular wellness checks on them. Your parents don't have to know you had any involvement. The police will not tell them. Wellness checks from the police are not unusual for people who are considered vulnerable. Like handicapped people, mentally ill, and elderly. The police will stop by to check on them regularly if someone talks to them and lets them know what's going on. Please talk to them. Your mother will have no choice but to let the cops in. I'm sure she will not be agreeable and cooperative with them. They will come to their own conclusions because dementia will be obvious to them and that both of your parents are at risk. The police will contact APS and social services. Then they will contact you. It will be easier to get conservatorship/guardianship over both of them appointed to you by the court if APS and social services are involved. Good luck.
She should not be driving the bus.
I think you woukd do well to think of their needs individually right now. Mom needs more care than dad can give. If the present circumstances continues, chances are pretty good that dad will pass first.
Mom is currently hospitalized? Get dad out of the home. Get him into a facility, even temporarily, send him on a trip or have him stay with one of you.
Brother then informs SW at the hospital that there is no care available at home for mom. She needs an approriate placement, rehab, short term psych hold to get meds sorted or LTC.
I would definitely get a cell phone just for dad to use to call out. He can call the kids and at least have a place to 'dump' his worries and feelings.
No doubt he is used to kowtowing to mom. Wow, and she's only mid-70's? That horrifies me as I am only 10 years away from that I worry so much about being a burden on my family.
It's NOT just about your mom. Dad is a 50% part of this equation. If MOM doesn't want to see family, arrange to see dad on your own.
I wouldn't put up cameras, you already know what it's like in the house. A line of communication would be a good start. Take it from there. For dad, knowing you're there for him would go a long way.
Letting dad know you are there and letting him live with his choices is the safest way in situations like these.
Makes you understand his indiscretions though.
They may decide to send her to Rehab so they see how see is over a longer period of time. - it’s usually a few weeks. That wouldn’t be your Dad’s fault.
if you go that route, keep repeating UNSAFE DISCHARGE - those are the magic words.
Your poor Dad needs to catch a break somehow. This could negatively affect his health, at his age. At least he’d get a short rest before she came home.
There are many kinds of lies, not all kinds are wrong
Helping him proved more difficult that you would expect. Although he could see the need for mental health evaluation, he would enable my mother whenever they met with anyone. So everything was downplayed and nothing got done for a very long time. I got very frustrated.
All I could do was support them the degree that I could. Eventually my mother was diagnosed after a hospital stay and then it was easier to deal.
In your case I would get a phone for your dad and at the point where he needs more input from you he has a life line.
Good luck!
No one should expect to be as good at caregiving as trained professionals, and your dad shouldn't expect to be a nurse, doctor, psychiatrist AND a guilt-ridden spouse all at once.
Long held relationship patterns are hard to change - but ARE possible. With support, hopefully your Dad can take over 'driving the bus' as BarbB said. If not 'driving' Mother (if he wants her to stay in control for herself) at least to drive his own life.
Sounds like you are placing yourself as a great advocate.